How Government Works Jokes
48 how government works jokes and hilarious how government works puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about how government works that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest How Government Works Short Jokes
Short how government works jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The how government works humour may include short government officials jokes also.
- It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
- I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boot. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought... "A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."
- City officials required all their male employees to socialize with male coworkers after work once a week. They issued a government mandate.
- My Son asked me to explain how Government work So I told him. They measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk and cut with Axe.
- What's the difference between Dracula and a government worker? Dracula does more work during the day
- My government isn't working Phone Agent: Okay, have you tried turning it off and then back on?
Schumer: It didn't work - What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee? Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...
- Republicans run for office by saying the government doesn't work... Then they get elected and prove it.
- Does anyone know how the Russians feel about their government? I know my friend Pavlik got really worked up over Crimea, but that's pretty annexdotal...
- What do you can an aquatic invertebrate that works for the government? Anemone of the state.
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How Government Works One Liners
Which how government works one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with how government works? I can suggest the ones about government jobs and government workers.
- Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot: It worked.
- How do we know 9/11 wasn't a government plot? Because it worked.
- What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil Serpent
- How do government employees wink when they're at work? They briefly open one eye.
- Which branch of local government do pigs work at? Porks and Recreation.
- There are 20 IT Professionals working on a government server 18 of them are Chinese
- What if... Obama was secretly working for the government?
- What do you call your former "significant other" who works for the government? Fed-ex.
- What species of ant works in all 3 branches of the government? The Ignorant.
Howlingly Hilarious How Government Works Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about how government works you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean federal government jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make how government works pranks.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and p**... the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And p**..., he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and p**... ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.
The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...
The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I work for a Top Secret Government Organization, that does not exist.
IRS
International r**... Station
My dad is a government worker, working for the government .
Specifically the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.
What do you call an openly tyrannical government wherein all the female public officials identify as future mothers even though they've been sterilized?
A trans-parent government.
(this is my best work yet)
Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....
If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.
TIL Before Edward Snowden worked for the government, he worked for the railroad.
He blew the whistle.
A government worker complains...
- With my new team leader, it's impossible to sleep at work.
- Why? Does he watch you?
- No, he snores.
(I thought it was at least good for a chuckle...)
Three boys were talking after school...
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
An angel walks into a bar
He walks up to a blind patron and heals him. The formerly blind man stands up shouting "I can see! It's a miracle!"
The angel smiles and walks up to a crippled man and restores his legs. The man does a dance of joy and hugs the angel, who tells him to go in peace.
The angel then walks among some government workers celebrating after work. One of them, a one-legged man with severe diabetes, lupus, and one eye looks at the approaching angel and says "don't touch me - I'm on disability"
If a pirate had a government job, what department would they work in?
The department of treasury!
Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys
were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walks by and asked what they are doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole said Bob, But we don't have a ladder.
The woman said, Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox. She loosened a few bolts and then laid the flagpole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, Eighteen feet and three inches and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, Well ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman? he said, We need the height and she gives us the length!
Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they're congressmen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The US government are now forcing all under 25 year old fit and healthy American males to work for the Bank of America immediately or face criminal detention.
They've decided to become a BoA Conscripter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's nothing wrong with having s**... with minors
Just because she works in the coal industry doesn't mean the government should be able to stop me from filing her!
I work as a spy for the US government.
One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming hot carbs around me, I knew that for now, escape would have to be my mission.
Mission in pasta bowl.
3 Kids are arguing about who's dad is the fastest...
At lunch, the first boy says his dad is the faster because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits...
Not bad says the 2nd boy, but my dad is faster.
He is a professional archer. When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does...
That's pretty fast, says the 3rd boy, but not as fast as my old man.
My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work a 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man throws up a cow pat and goes to the doctor
Doctor: "I can't seem to figure out the issue so I'll give you some shots just be on the safe side"
Man: "No! Those things make you sick and allow the government to insert tracking chips!"
Doctor: "Who told you this?"
Man: "My wife"
Doctor: "Tell me, does your wife make all your meals?"
Man: "Yeah, she does"
Doctor: "I've worked out your problem. Someones been feeding you b**..."
The fastest dad alive
Three kids were on a school playground bragging about their fathers.
The first kid said, My dad is the fastest man alive. He can shoot an arrow at a target and run and catch it before it hits the target!
The second kid said, That's nothing! My dad can shoot a gun and catch the bullet before it hits the ground!
The third kid had them all beat. He said, Thats nothing! My dad is clearly the fastest man alive! He works for the government and gets off work at 5 but he's home by 3!
