Housekeeper Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

So I finally got a housekeeper, it's my ex-wife.

She kept the house.

A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.

The husband says to the wife if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper

She laughed and replied if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener

Pastor and the Housekeeper

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in
the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and
his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new
young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely
and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his
heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor
and the housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured
the young priest that everything was purely professional...that
she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor
and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came
for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do
you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write
him a letter."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying
you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you
did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered
it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that
you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying
that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do
know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you
would find the gravy ladle."

Explaining how the parliament works.

One day a boy asks his dad how the parliament works. So his dad tells him,
"Well, i am the working man of the family so think of me as capitalism. Your mom is the government, your baby brother is the future and the housekeeper is the working class. Now ponder over what i've told you and tell me what you understand."
That night, the boy's brother shit his diapers, when he goes to call his mom, she doesn't wake up and his dad isn't there. So he goes to the housekeeper's room and finds it locked. He peeps in and sees his dad banging her.
The next morning the boy says to his dad,
"I finally understood how the parliament works. While the government sleeps and the future is in deep shit, capitalism is screwing the working class."

Heaven vs. Hell

In Heaven, you get a French lover, an English butler, a German housekeeper, and an Italian cook.

In Hell, you get a German lover, a French butler, an Italian housekeeper, and an English cook.

The town busy-body is curious about the local minister and his beautiful young housekeeper...

The talk is that they're having a secret affair, but nobody can prove it.

So Mildred goes to dinner one night to investigate. The house is immaculately clean, and everything seems above board. There is absolutely nothing suspicious going on. The two of them even have separate bedrooms on opposite ends of the house. Mildred goes home disappointed.

A few days later, right in the middle of a blustery Sunday sermon on honesty, the minister addresses Mildred. "I'm not saying you stole the ornate silver serving ladle from the dining room, but the fact remains that it's been missing since you were over for dinner!"

Mildred stands up and says, "Well, I'm not saying you are fucking your housekeeper, but the fact remains, if she'd been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found that goddamn ladle by now."

Father receives a super high phone bill, but he always makes his phone calls at work...

so he asks his wife about it. She replies: "It's not me, you know I always use the telephone on the grocery store I work at". So he asks his son about it: "It's not me, you know I always use the telephone at university." Then he turns at his daughter: "Not me either, I always use the one at school..."

Everybody turns the face to the foreign housekeeper that started last month: "Why are you looking so angry? You guys are also using the phone at work."

I am a marvelous housekeeper.

Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

My first wife was a great housekeeper.

She kept both houses

I quit the mafia to become a housekeeper

Now I'm a maid man.

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

When we got divorced she kept the house

Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

Anybody read the paper this morning

Person one: "Hey, did you read the news this morning?"
Person two: "No, why?"
Person one: "omg it was crazy, this famous actress stabbed her housekeeper like 50 times!"
Person two: "holy shit, what was her name?"
Person one: "uhh, it was like Reese something, umm Reese..."
Person two: "REESE WITHERSPOON?!?!"
Person one: "No dumbshit she used a knife.."

A woman tells her friend: - I'm a perfect housekeeper!

...every time I divorce, I keep the house!

I woke up in the hotel room and the housekeeper was banging on the door, just banging.

Finally, I had to get up and let her out.

At night after a long power outage, the lights finally came back on in Charlize Theron's house.

When the lights returned, her housekeeper exclaimed:

Charlize, they're on!

My wife is an excellent housekeeper!

Kept the house after divorce...

A millionaire is looking for a housekeeper.

Three people showed up for the job. He wants to make sure they have good personal hygiene during work, so he put a camera in his big restroom monitoring the sink and see if they wash their hands after going to the restroom.

The first one finishes, doesn't wash his hands and walked out, the millionaire fires him.

The second one finishes, also doesn't wash his hands, he is fired as well.

The last guy, however, washed his hands before coming out. The owner is delighted, he asked him: " The previous two didn't washed their hands after going to the restroom, why did you wash them?"

The guy replies: "Because the toilet paper ran out".

I'm trying to convince my wife that we should become polygamists.

If we married a housekeeper, baby sitter, and landscaper, we wouldn't have to pay them.

Why did Helen Keller fire her housekeeper?

She left the plunger in the toilet.

I saw on the news Boy George's bearded dragon has attacked and bitten his housekeeper 6 times in the last month

I reckon he needs a calmer chameleon.

Why are wives also called a housekeeper?

Because after the divorce, they keep the house

I'm a really great housekeeper...

I marry men, divorce them, and then keep the house!

I forgot to tell my housekeeper about my guard dogs.

The dog ate my home worker.

Linda is a decent housekeeper.

But, her vacuuming kinda sucks!

In the mornings, after my housekeeper meticulously makes my bed, I like to ride my Peloton bike in the window of my high rise and literally look down my nose at people.

I just had to fire my Korean housekeeper...

...She kept trying to wok the dog.

My house just became a housekeeper

after our divorce. T ^ T

I posted an ad for a housekeeper last week.

Job description: Make my house great again

Nobody's called at all.

I was staying at a hotel when the housekeeper would not stop banging on the door

After a long time, I decided to get up and let her out

I was staying in a hotel when a housekeeper would not stop hanging on my door

After a while, I decided that I better get up and let her out.

What do you call a fish who dresses as a housekeeper?

Mrs. Troutfire

What are the funniest housekeeper jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Housekeeper? Well, here are the best Housekeeper puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Housekeeper pick up lines to share with friends.

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