The Best 35 House Of God Jokes

Following is our collection of funny House Of God jokes. There are some house of god husband jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these house of god jesus puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest House Of God Jokes and Puns

The church is struck by lightning.

The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.

The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church.

One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"

As someone died, Saint. Peter gave him a tour to the new place.

While wandering he sees an old familiar guy who was accompanied by a very ugly woman.

He asks Saint Peter: "But how does the man walks around with a woman like that when he spent his life with the most beautiful women?"

"Oh my child, he killed a pigeon when he was alive and now he is being punished."

They walk further down, and meets another friend with a frighteningly ugly women.

"Holy God but he was circulated only by models when he was alive, how come he withstands this now?"

"O my child that man killed two pigeons when he was alive."

They continued wandering and suddenly he sees someone who was so ugly and stupid and never had any woman when he lived.

But he was accompanied by THE WOMAN!

Extra tall and hotty.

The man lost his mind.

"Holy God, but such an ugly face with such a gorgeous woman?"

"Yes my son, but this hotty burned the whole pigeon house, when she was alive!"

The difference between cats and dogs

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me ... THEY MUST BE GODS!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me ... I MUST BE A GOD!

House Of God joke, The difference between cats and dogs

A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor

A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"

God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

Yokel Logic

Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.

He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'

The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'

The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'

The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'

'Okay then.'

'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'

'Yep'

'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'

'Arr'

'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'

'Wow, incredible, go on!'

'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'

'Moi god...'

'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'

'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'

'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.

The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.

''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.

'Alroight then', says the friend

'So, do you have a tract'r?'

'No'

'Then you're Gay!'


Legs Up

Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"

i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith

thank god i was dragged out by the smiths

House Of God joke, i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr an

Oh my god! there was a kidnapping right outside my house today...

So weird to see a kid sleeping on the sidewalk in the middle of the day.

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"

The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."

"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.

"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.

They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"

God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"

Sophie walks into the church wearing a very low cut blouse.

The parish priest went up to her " you must not enter the house of God unless properly dressed"
" Oh, but I have a divine right"
"You also have a divine left" sighed the clergyman,"but I still have to insist that you should cover up"

You can explore house of god flood reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean house of god faithful dad jokes. There are also house of god puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

An old russian joke I heard a long time ago

In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"

The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"

I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM...

...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.

A kid is leaving his house to school

His mom tells him "May God be with you". When the kid is walking down the stairs he trips and falls.

He turns back and says, 'You can come with me, but you don't have to push'

Where does a beaver priest live?

In a God Dam House!

House Of God joke, Where does a beaver priest live?

Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee

It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit

"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked

"I have no job" he replied

"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"

"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended

"And how exactly will he do that then?"

"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity

"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"

"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"

"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"

"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"

At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,

"What's up friend? You seem troubled"

"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancΓ©"

"Oh man, bad news?"

"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."

Grandma asks her grandson:

"Sonny, for the love of God I can't remember what's the name of that German fellow who keeps hiding stuff around the house?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma. It's Alzheimer."

My friends say I'm like a candle.

If you forget I exist, so help me God, I'll burn your house down.


Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

I don't understand...

...how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and yet my wife can have 152 just for our house.

A Christian man and his children are talking..

Girl: Dad, I have some bad news.

Dad: What?

Girl: I'm a lesbian.

Dad: Okay.

Sister: Dad, I have some bad news too.

Dad: What?

Sister: I'm a lesbian too.

Dad: God, does anyone in this house like boys?

Son: I do.

Car Crash

I crashed my car between two houses today. Mr and Mrs Ball live in the left house and Mr and Mrs Smith live in the right house....

Thank God I was dragged out by the Smiths!!

An old Minnesota farmer found out the Minnesota and Iowa state border had been surveyed incorrectly.

When they told him his house was actually in Iowa by 10 feet He said, "Thank god. No more Minnesota Winters!"

Why is it so easy to break into God's house?

When God closes a door he opens a window.

A daughter walks up to her dad and confesses that she's lesbian.

"Ok," the dad says. The second daughter also confesses that she is lesbian.

"God dammit, is there anyone in this house who loves men?"

"I do," the son says.

God, this summer has been...

hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

Christianity is a simple religion, God only asks 2 things from you...

Go to his house once a week and eat his son

My lesbian neighbors invited me to their house for Christmas night

I swear to God, all I ever asked for was a new Rolex

You donate to God's house as a sign of faith and

you buy insurance as a sign of lack of it.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags.

I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God!

What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

A wife approaches her husband - fuming.

She says to him "I've done the dishes, done the laundry, ironed ALL the clothes and cleaned the house. Meanwhile, you've done NOTHING but wait for me to bring you a GOD DAMNED BEER! What does that say about you??"

The husband replies: "It says I am very patient".

This guy's out hunting with his buddy.

He's got his scope up and says, "Oh my God, I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on you with another guy!"

His buddy says, "I've had it with her. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts."

And his buddy replies, "Cool I can hit that with one shot!"

Ever since becoming paralyzed in a car crash, my wife has had to do everything for me.

Including wiping my ass, feeding me and all of the house work.

But still, we just thank god she survived the crash.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the house of god bedroom jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working house of god divine piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes