House Of Cards Jokes
59 house of cards jokes and hilarious house of cards puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about house of cards that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest House Of Cards Short Jokes
Short house of cards jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The house of cards humour may include short house of leaves jokes also.
- A house of cards is really fragile One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- I found the rulebook for an old card game at my grandfather's house. "Draw a card, if it's black, take a shot."
Oh wait, that's just the LAPD guidebook. - I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, "This is where the magic happens, babe." She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now!"
So I said, "Yes. Pick a card..." - Always use a proper deck of cards A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died... - I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower.. It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe) - The only thing that blows over easier than that Kevin Spacey scandal... is a house of cards.
- So what do you all think of the new House of Cards? I have to say that whole plot twist with Trump becoming the new president was quite unexpected.
- What does Barack say to Michelle when they're getting adventurous with their House of Cards roleplay? "Let me be Claire."
- Looking back at Kevin Spacey, his role in 'House of Cards' now seems fitting You touch one, and it all comes falling down
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House Of Cards One Liners
Which house of cards one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with house of cards? I can suggest the ones about house of god and deck of cards.
- I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire... I've only got Ash now.
- How do you make a house of cards collapse? Just give it time and Spacey
- I was playing poker with tarot cards last night. I got a full house and 3 people died...
- Warning: Never play poker with Tarot cards... I got a full house once and 4 people died
- Where does one watch the House of Cards? C-SPAN
- I gave up on building a house of cards. I couldn't stand it.
- My house is full of Valentines cards. I'm not a legend though Just a lazy postman
- It looks like Kevin Spacey's career is falling apart Like a House of Cards.
- What was on the kids' menu on the set of House of Cards? Franks
Cheeky House Of Cards Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about house of cards you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean house of lords jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make house of cards pranks.
A mom is driving her 6 year old daughter to her friend's house when...
the daughter asks "Mom, how old are you?
The mother replies "That's not a polite question to ask a lady, dear."
Undaunted, the daughter asks "Okay, but how much do you weight?"
Again the mother replies "Honey, that's a very impolite question!"
Persistently, the daughter asks "Okay mom, one last question. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is a very rude questions!" Says the mom, exacerbated, "That's enough from you, young lady!"
Later, the daughter tells her friend about the conversation she had with her mom and the friend has a suggestion:
"Take a look at her driver's license," says the friend, "It's like a report card for adults. It has all that stuff on it!"
Later that night, the daughter says to her mom "I know how old you are. You are 34! And you weigh 140 pounds!"
"How in the world did you know that?" The mother says, shocked.
"I also know why daddy divorced you!" says the daughter, triumphantly.
"And why's that?!" says the mother.
"You got an F in s**..."
A Preacher
A preacher is making his weekly rounds to people's houses, trying to get them to convert. He reaches one home in the afternoon, and rings the doorbell. He distinctively hears someone inside, but no one comes to answer the door, so after waiting a few minutes of knocking and asking if anyone was home, he takes out his business card and writes "Revelations 3:20" down and puts it on the doormat.
A few weeks later, after church service, an usher hands him the same business card, only this time, under "Revelations 3:20," there is another verse, "Genesis 3:10."
Here is what each of them says:
Revelations 3:20: "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10: "I heard you in the garden and I did not answer, for I was n**...."
A funny joke indeed
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**...."
A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years
He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement.
He arrives at the third house where he is greeted by a gorgeous blonde with see through l**... on. She leads him upstairs where they make love for an hour. When they're done she takes him downstairs where she cooks him a breakfast of pancakes,eggs and squeezed orange juice. As he's eating she gives him a card with $20 in it.
He's overwhelmed by all this and asks why. The blonde tells him You've been an amazing mailman over the years and when I heard you were retiring I asked my husband what we should do for you. He replied"f**... him. Give him $20" The Breakfast was my idea
A new bishop was visiting the homes in the ward
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "revelation 3:20" on the back of the card and stuck it in the door.
The following Sunday he found that his card had been returned under his office door. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Edit, jokes are hard when i am drinking
The mailman's last day
A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds.
The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing s**... the mailman had ever had in his life.
As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked.
"Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"
Two girls move into a dorm, one from Georgia and the other from Connecticut...
The girl from GA arrives to the dorm room and finds the CT girl with her parents hanging drapes. The GA girl says "Hi, y'all! Where y'all from?" The CT girl, in a snobbish northeast attitude replies, "We're from a place where we don't end sentences in prepositions." The GA smiles politely and responds, "Beg my pardon. Where y'all from...c**...?"
Props to House of Cards for this joke, although I'm sure it's been done before.
My kid has slept over at Jared Fogle's house plenty of times and there's never been a problem.
And as long as Jared keeps my Subway card full of points he will continue not having any problems.
A married couple is driving...
down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
70 mph.
"I want the house as well."
75 mph.
"I want the kids."
80 mph.
"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."
85 mph.
"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"
"I've got all I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."
Went to my mates house and she had a big open fire in the garden where she was burning her phone bill, gas bill and credit card bill.
I said: "flipping heck what are you doing Bernadette?!"
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
A postman is on his last day at work.
The people on his route all know and like him, and as he does his rounds on his last day people give him cards and little gifts.
When he gets to one house, the door opens and the lady of the house invites him in. She takes him to the table and serves him a beautiful breakfast. Afterwards, she invites him upstairs where she does her all to please him in bed. On his way out, she kisses him goodbye and slips him a dollar.
He says, "Thank you for the breakfast and the amazing s**..., but what's this dollar for?"
She says, "When we found out you were retiring, I asked my husband what we should do. He said, 'fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
The new season of House of Cards is AMAZING!
The screenwriters from NYT and WaPo have really outdone themselves this year!
I hear they're airing the next episode of House of Cards on CBS, 6:30PM eastern.
Might be able to catch it on NBC or ABC at the same time too.
Hearts, diamonds, clubs, s**...... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.
s**... harassment suit.
You know what would have been a good name for Kevin Spacey in House of Cards?
Frank Underagewood
What happened to the cast of House of Cards after shooting their last episode?
Kevin Spacey held a Rapp party.
It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards
It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of s**... misconduct.
What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?
The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious b**....
I can't wait to see the next season of *House of Cards* . . .
. . . Starring Chris Hansen.
My whole career is like a house of cards...
One blow from a kid and it all comes toppling down
Re-watching House of Cards after the whole Kevin Spacey controversy is a better experience for me.
It makes him seems more relatable.
It's crazy to think that people would break into houses by swiping their credit card.
Nowadays, you have to use the chip to break in.
Donald Trump built a house of cards out of his Magic the Gathering collection.
It was a little house, but it had multiple floors, and was even sturdy enough for a sitting room on the second floor. Donald loved to go up there and draw in his coloring books. One day he thought something might be wrong with it, which frustrated him, since he had worked so hard on it. Angrily, he stomped around trying to find any defects. He stomped so hard it collapsed on top of him, burying him forever! He had put so much faith in that mana fort, only to have it fold under cross examination, taking him down with it.
Have you ever tried making a house of cards with credit cards?
You have to use ones with outstanding balances.
The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.
Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**....
home invader
A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."
"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."
A bee got in our house and I my wife freaked...
She yelled, "get it out but don't harm it". So I got a shot glass and a playing card and carefully trapped and released the little guy out back. When I returned my wife said, "well, what happened? And I replied...
Don't worry. Bee Happy.
I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.
We walked through the door and I handed him our card:
"Barney. Talking dog."
The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."
"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"
"Rough."
"What goes on top of a house?"
"Roof."
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth."
Just then the agent grabbed us both and tossed us out into the street.
Barney was just sitting there, looking forlornly at the ground and shaking his head.
"Knew I should have said Hank Aaron."
3 brothers in their 90s lived in the same house.
While the 92yo and 94yo were playing cards in the dining room, the 96yo calls down, "Guys, the bathtub is full, but I can't remember if I was about to get in, or if I just got out."
The 94yo shakes his head and starts up the stairs to help him out. Halfway up, he calls out, "Hey, guys? Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs?"
The 92yo shakes his head and mutters "I hope my memory never gets that bad, knock on wood," as he knocks on the dining table. Then he calls, "I'll be with you guys in a second. Let me check who's at the door first."
