House Lords Jokes

Yokel Logic

Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'

A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor

A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"
God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

Jesus is on the cross..

..fading fast he yells to his disciple Paul.
"Paul come to me my child. Come to me!"
Paul musters all his strength to break through the crowd.
"Yes my lord, I am coming to you"
Jesus continues to yell for Paul. Paul now crying falls at Jesus feet....
"Yes my lord!!!?"
"Paul, I can see your house from here".

Peter is staring up at Jesus on the cross.

Suddenly their eyes meet and Jesus calls out, "Peter! Peter!"
Peter runs to the foot of the cross but he is beaten and forced back by the Roman guards. Once again he looks up when he hears his savior cry, "Peter. Peter."
Jesus's voice is much weaker now and that spurs Peter up the hill to the foot of the cross where he is again beaten and forced back down the hill.
"Peter... Peter." The voice is very weak now and in desperation Peter fights his way to the cross, climbs up near Jesus's head and says, "Yes, My Lord?"
"Peter, I can see your house from here..."

A well dressed gentlemen walks into a bar...

"I would like a 12 year old brandy, please" The barkeep pours him a drink, he takes a sip, and immediately spits it out. "This brandy is only 10 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior brandy!"
The barman apologizes and offers another drink, on the house of course. "I'll have a 15 year old Scotch." He takes a sip, spits out, and proclaims "This Scotch is only 12 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior Scotch! I'll give you one more chance: I would like a 30 year old port wine."
Before the barman can react, a man at the end of the bar asks him to give a drink he has to the well-dressed man. The man takes a sip, spits it out, and proclaims "my lord, this tastes like u**...!" The man at the end says, "It is, now tell me how old I am."

Christ is on the cross

He's calling out to Peter. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Peter hears him and tries to get closer, but a Roman guard cuts off his arm and sends him packing. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Again Peter tries to get closer but is again stopped by the Roman guard, who cuts off his other arm. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' Peter tries once more to get to the foot of the cross. This time the Roman guard swipes at his left leg and chops that off too. 'Peter! Peter!' calls Christ. Peter makes one last desperate effort. He hops up to the guard, evades his hacking sword and knocks him out with a head-but. He then hops to the top of the hill and stands panting at the bottom of the cross. 'Yes, Lord!' shouts Peter. 'I am here!'. Christ says,'Peter, I can see your house from here.'

A religious lady is in her house when a flood is approaching...

Her neighbor came by with his pick up truck and said "hey myrna, i have room for you you and your chair, the flood is coming, lets go!"
She answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
When the water had forced her to the second floor, a policeman in a boat came by and said Ma'am, c'mon, it's time to go."
She again answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
When the water had forced her onto her roof, the coast guard lowered a man down to her who said "ma'am i'm here to rescue you, put this rope under your arms"
She again answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
After she drowned, she met St. Peter and insisted on speaking to the Big Guy, whom she asked "Why didn't you come to save me?"
God replied "look lady, I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter ..."
(heh)

A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...

A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had s**.... Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have s**... if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner."
John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much s**... he's planning to have, how k**... it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases.
John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal.
As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

A lawyer and a priest die and go to heaven...

When arriving at the Pearly Gates, they're let in by St. Peter. The saint leads them to their heavenly quarters. The priest receives a tiny hut, a cot, a sink, and a toilet. The lawyer receives a stately mansion, with land and cars and riches. The priest is, of course, confused by this. He goes to St. Peter and says "I devote my life to the Lord and receive this hut and the lawyer gets an entire estate! While I am grateful, I must ask why our houses are so different?" St. Peter replies," Well, we get priests in here every day, but we want to treat the lawyer special, he's our first one!"

First time

A boy gets a call from his girlfriend. She tells him her parents are going out for the night so they will have the house to them selves. She then tells him she thinks ready to do it for the first time and that he should get some condoms. The boy is elated and runs over to the pharmacy to get the condoms. It's his first time so he has no idea which sort he has to get. The pharmacist notices the boys inexperience and proceeds to lecture him on the art of putting on condoms, of making love and advices him to buy a pack of twenty condoms. The boy thanks the man for the advice, buys the condoms and leaves. That evening he arrives at his girlfriends house just as her parents are leaving. The girlfriens introduces him to her parents and takes him inside where the boy immediately starts to pray. After ten minutes of fervently beseeching the lord the gril stops him. "I never knew you were so religious." The boy looks at her with fear in his eyes, "I never knew your dad whas a pharmacist."

Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, "As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God." The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat taken aback. The tiny home is more a shack with a faded Patriots flag flying over it. Still, Tom Brady tells God how thankful he is for such a special blessing.
After the Father gives Brady a short tour of his new home, Tom notices a three story mansion just around the block. The enormous home is painted in orange and blue, even down to the driveway and sidewalks. A huge Denver Broncos flag flies off a 50 ft flagpole above the house and a Tim Tebow jersey hangs over the front door.
Brady, a little perplexed, turns to God and asks, "I don't mean to be ungrateful Lord, but I was an all-pro quarterback, I won three Super Bowls, and I was inducted into the Hall of Fame last year." "What are you trying to say, my son?" Brady responds, "Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?" God chortles and replies, "That's not Tim's house. That's my house!"

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety.
She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don’t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin’ out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"