House Keeping Jokes
136 house keeping jokes and hilarious house keeping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about house keeping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest House Keeping Short Jokes
Short house keeping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The house keeping humour may include short housekeeper jokes also.
- My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
- How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
- How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? We wouldn't know, the women always get to keep the house.
- I love throwing house warming parties But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.
- Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife. Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.
- My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch.... So I say to her, look Mum, my house, my prices!
- My girlfriend said that if I keep pointing out features of our house to her, she'd leave me. "Well," I said to her, "there's the door..."
- Keep that spark alive My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we started dating?"
So I took her out to a nice dinner and then dropped her off at her parents' house. - My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because I'm always cold, but he gave me a suggestion. He said to stand in the corner since it's usually 90 degrees over there.
- [Original] Some food has been in my house for so long that even the freezer could not save it from expiration. I keep putting off throwing the items away, which is only delaying the inedible.
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House Keeping One Liners
Which house keeping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with house keeping? I can suggest the ones about house cleaning and house husband.
- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Why does paint keep your house warmer? Because it's a coat.
- If you do not keep up repayments to your exorcist... ...your house may be repossessed
- I childproofed the house. But they keep getting in anyway.
- Why did Ed Gein keep his house so hot? To prevent the furniture from getting goose bumps.
- I keep finding 2 dimensional objects all over the house... I think they're my flat mates.
- Son, who is that German guy who keeps hiding things in our house? Alzheimer, granpa.
- I keep my house in strict military order. My kitchen is always a mess.
- I was mis-sold a house. The wife was so upset she didn't even let me keep the saddle.
- Why does Hillary keep bumping into people at the White House? So she can be pardoned.
- Always keep your cool when painting the house. No need to get emulsional.
- Who keeps Canada's House of Parliament clean? Dustin' Trudeau
- If you don't keep paying your exorcist... ...your house will eventually be reposessed.
- A communist walks into a bar He buys a round for the house, but keeps it all for himself.
- A guy keeps throwing milk and yogurt at my house. How dairy!!!
House Keeping Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about house keeping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean boarding house jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make house keeping pranks.
Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift.
The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.
A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.
He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt.
He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day.
They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon.
They notice she isn't wearing any p**....
"Is it cooler without p**...?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
Alex an Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?"
The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer.
Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
My girlfriend...
... invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably s**..., she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have s**..." , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car
... Or was it Hank Aaron.
A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man walks up to the bartender and bets him $20.00 that his dog can talk. The bartender is interested so he takes the bet. The man turns to the dog and asks what the top of a house is called. "Roof!" barks the dog. "How does sandpaper feel?" asks the man. "Rough!" responds the dog. "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" the man asks. "Ruth!" the dog says. At this point the bartender is livid so he kicks both of them out and keeps the twenty dollars. Later they're both sitting on the corner and the dog turns to his master and says "Was it Mantle?"
An elderly couple goes into a doctors office
and the man asks the doctor, "There's nothing specifically wrong with us, but we were wondering if you would be so kind as to watch us have s**..., to make sure there's nothing wrong."
The doctor obliges, and the couple make love in the small room, while he looks on. After they finish, he tells them that he sees nothing wrong with them, that they are very healthy, and to feel free to come by any time if they need anymore help.
A week later, the couple show up again and go through the same process. The doctor again tells them that they are fine, and they leave. This happens over and over again, over the course of several months, and finally the doctors says, "Look, there's obviously nothing wrong with ether of you or your s**... life. Why do you keep coming here?"
The old man says, "Well, my wife's at home, her grand kids are at her house, a hotel costs upwards of $70 a night, and this place is covered by my HMO."
"Dog Sitting"
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise from the ringing will make the male dog lose his e**... and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Well, it just worked for me." he replied.
My girlfriend invited me to her house...
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat their waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably s**... sister was waiting their with me. A few minutes go by, then she comes up next to me and whispers in my ear "we should have s**... before my sister comes home." I immediately got up turned around and walked to my car when I found my girlfriend standing by the door at which point she hugged me and said "you've earned my trust" Moral of the story, always keep your condoms in your car.
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
Wife's Duties
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
A man goes over to his girlfriend's house..
But when he arrives her friend answers the door, she tells him to sit down, he does, she then starts talking about s**..., how much she likes him, and finally, that they should cheat on the girlfriend. The man stands up, and with a blank face, walks outside. At his car is his girlfriend, who runs up to him and tells him, "I trust you." He smiles as they drive off.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :
Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :
They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.
Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 wish for myself.
Tom: I want a billion dollars!
Wife: I want a house in every country of the world. ??
Genie: Done. Done.
Tom : And what is your wish genie?
Genie: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.
Tom said: Emm Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind. ??
The genie took the wife upstairs and slept with her for two hours.
After it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?
Wife answers: 35.
Genie: Really? And he still believes in genie stories
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)
Yokel Logic
Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'
My friends still haunt me with this one my dad told us back in the day.
A coffin is chasing a man down the street. The man runs into his house, closes his door and locks it, but the coffin breaks through, he hides in the kitchen, but the coffin finds him and keeps chasing after. The man runs upstairs into his room, locks the door and barricades it, it isn't safe there either, the coffin busts through. He runs into his bathroom, cornered, frantically searching for a weapon, but all he can find is a bottle of Robitussin in his medicine cabinet, he splashes it on the coffin and the coffin stops.
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?
Paint a goal line on your driveway.
Hygienic!
Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day. They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice that she wasn`t wearing any p**.... So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any p**....
She said, "I don't know if it's cooler but sure keeps the flies off the watermelon.
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Angry Neighbor [90's kids will remember]
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in.
A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is!" the neighbor replied. "My s**... computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Wanna know something interesting about Roland Emmerich?
He owns one of those antique steamboats, the kind with the giant wheel on the back, and he actually sails with it. In rivers of course, the open ocean is far too choppy, and would damage the antique boat. Anyway, he's got an entire house set up on the boat, complete with living quarters, entertainment rooms, and even a workout room. Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat, once there was this fat chick named Mary, she spent her whole time in the exercise room burning fat, she was pretty proud of herself for it too.
Roland still takes the boat up and down various rivers to this day,
with the big wheel keep on turning,
Proud Mary keep on burning,
Roland,
Roland,
Roland on the River!
Prisoners actually have a lot in common with Presidents...
They're both fed and housed by tax payers, surrounded by armed guards 24/7, neither can leave the gates without attracting attention, and both are often hated by the general public. It seems to me that the only difference between them is that we often catch the criminal that's responsible, but we keep putting the wrong guy in office.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house
An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags...
An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags, and one of them has a hole with lots of money being dropped. A policeman notices it and lets her know. Then, he asks:
"May I ask how you have that insanely big amount of money?"
"Of course! It's a nice story!"
The lady tells him her the story:
"A few years ago, a football stadium was built next to my house. This is very annoying because when there's a match, lots of people are shouting at the streets, and also, when the match finishes, some of them come to pee at my garden! That's why I started to do something: when there's a match, I hide in a bush, waiting for someone to come and pee. When they are ready, I show up with my big secaturs and I tell them: if you want to keep you manly parts, you'll have to give me all the money you have!"
The policeman then asks:
"Oh, ok, and... what do you have in the other bag?"
The old lady, with a big smile, says:
"Well, not everyone had enough money!"
You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.
That's why I own ten guns. In case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder!
^(Source: Gravity Falls. Can't find a good clip of the moment)
An elderly woman was driving through thick fog...
... and could barely see more than one car in front of her and couldn't see the road anywhere after. She already had slow reflexes, so she decided that to be safe, she would stay close to the car in front of her and use their taillights to stay on the road.
She does this for a little while, and eventually the car in front of her stops. A young man gets out of the car and comes up to the woman's window.
"Ma'am, can I help you?"
"Oh no, I'm fine. I was just driving close to you so I don't veer of the road."
"Well, it looks like you've been following me."
"I'm sorry that it looks that way, but I need something to help me stay on the road! So if you don't mind, can you please keep driving?"
"Hmm.. I don't think I can help you with that ."
"Why not?"
"For one, you're in my driveway. This is my house!"
(Based on a true story from my English teacher).
My wife convinced me to try some roleplay.
She said she wanted to be a s**... mail-carrier.
She's so good at it, she even keeps delivering to the neighbor's house on accident.
lately my house has been a bit drafty...
not because its' poorly insulated, but because my wife keeps bringing home marines...
How do you keep a Blonde from leaving the house?
You build him a circle driveway!
A few Helen Keller jokes. Feel free to add your own!
1. "Did you know Helen Keller had a really fancy doll house?"
"Neither did she.
2. "Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?"
"You would too if your name was BALLRUGEKLHEBSKLH!"
3. "How do you punish Helen Keller?"
"Rearrange the furniture and keep a plunger in the toilet."
How long before I can get a haircut?
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
My house cleaner is getting really annoying and she keeps asking me to move out.
Now she says she wants a divorce.
My kid has slept over at Jared Fogle's house plenty of times and there's never been a problem.
And as long as Jared keeps my Subway card full of points he will continue not having any problems.
I hate moving house...
It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the s**... offenders register again.
I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard.
What's the name of that German guy that keeps hiding my stuff around the house?
Alzheimer, Grandma.
A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.
Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.
The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should live a long life."
"What do we need to do?" says the wife.
"Well, you are going to have to keep him calm and relaxed at all times. Don't make him do anything around the house. Message him if he feels stressed. Cook his favorite meals. Let him watch what he wants on TV. Anything you can do to keep him happy and relaxed."
The wife leaves the office and her and her husband get in the car.
"I'm dying to know, what did he want to say to you?" says the husband.
"You have two weeks to live."
How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.
Grandma asks her grandson:
"Sonny, for the love of God I can't remember what's the name of that German fellow who keeps hiding stuff around the house?"
"It's Alzheimer, grandma. It's Alzheimer."
A new Supermarket opened near me.....
A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
And, just before the mister turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying on the stove.
The veggie department features the smell of freshly buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore
I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister
My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister. She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have s**... right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back". I immediately throw her off and start walking out. My girlfriend is waiting outside the room and kisses me, saying I won her trust.
Lesson learned: always keep c**... in the car
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone.
So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable s**... sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me:
"We should have s**... while my sister isn't home."
I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I find my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said:
"You've just won my trust honey!"
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
I just paid to have my house exorcised...
But I couldn't keep up with the repayments - so my house got Repossessed.
A woman wants to test her boyfriend
She thinks he may be unfaithful, so she asks her sister to help her with something.
As the boyfriend pulls up to the house and enters to find a trail of roses leading up to a closed door. He opens the door to find his girlfriends sister, laying on the bed.
"So, do you fancy it? You know you want to", she asks.
The boyfriend spins round immediately and heads back down stairs towards the front door only to find his girlfriend beaming, "I knew you would never do it!"
She runs over to hug him.
The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in your car.
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
I got arrested today for not opening the door for my neighbour....
Apparently it's i**... to keep him locked inside my house
I hate it when I'm at someone's house and they keep asking s**... questions like...
"Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
I bought a haunted house...
sadly i couldn't keep up with the repayments so the house is now repossessed...
Honest Husband
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside...
A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole.
"I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole," the grandfather said.
The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole.
The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy keeps playing.
A while later, the grandfather returns outside and gives the boy $10.
"But grandpa, you already gave me the money for the bet," the boy told him.
"Yeah, I know. *That* money is from grandma."
Where does the White House keep the broken, old and dirty crockery that is not suitable for public display?
Trump's Cabinet.
Wife asks husband, if she dies will he remarry?
I don't know... yeah I probably would i guess.
What about the house? would you sell it?
No he says, I like our house.
What about our bed, would you buy a new one?
No I like our bed and would keep it.
Ok, the wife now asks, what about my golf clubs?
Would you let your new wife use them?
No way he says, she's left handed.
I stop and rest on a park bench....
After a while a blind old black man come and sits next to me with his guard dog, he keeps cursing and grunting so i ask him whats wrong "ahh my blasted wife has been cheating on me with my neighbour and shes taking half the house in the divorce, i didnt see it coming" he says, i chuckle a little at his bad taste joke, then he says "yeah you right son, it could be worse, i could be black"
Everytime I leave the house...
I keep getting followed by this really tall bird, I think I'm being storked.
At the amusement park's Haunted House, the toilets are three inches taller than normal.
They like to keep visitors on their toes.
My wife shouted at me...
You're so useless! You never tidy up or help with the housework, you're lazy and s**... and I bet you don't even know how to keep a house tidy!
I decided to prove her wrong so I did the washing up, ha! You should have seen her face when I showed her I knew how to load the dishes into the tumble dryer...
I'm a really great housekeeper...
I marry men, divorce them, and then keep the house!
A woman tells her friend: - I'm a perfect housekeeper!
...every time I divorce, I keep the house!
How to get to heaven
A Sunday school teacher asked her class the question how do we get to heaven?
She then asked, Can I be nice to my neighbors and go to church every Sunday and get into heaven?
The class replied, No.
She said, Okay, can I keep my house clean and help the poor then get into heaven?
The class again replied, No.
She asked, Then how do we get to heaven?
A boy stood up a said, You need to be dead!
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.
This man keeps calling my house asking about the Weather.
How does he think i will know if the coast is clear or not?
I've got a lot of black widows at my house
They keep asking for food.
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...
They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...
They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the watch and says:
"We've been here for three hours, and he still ain't showed up."
"Jeez," the other hitman says, "I hope nothing happened to him."
Trump And The Vending Machine
In a calm White House, Trump finds no one to serve him a coke.
Embarrassed and outraged, he walks until he finds a vending machine. Trump has never seen a vending machine.
Bigly has some change in his pocket; touching money gives him luck.
Trump puts a coin into the machine and this one delivers a can.
Then he inserts another coin which delivers another can.
Trump goes on until he's spent all his change.
Lucky for him, an intern passes in a hurry, looking down. He stops her and embarrassed, he asks her for some change.
Confused at the all scene, she asks why?
"I keep on winning!" trump says.
George R.R. martins House words should be "Book is coming"
because he keeps saying it but it never seems to actually happens.
I'm pretty sure my dog ate all the letters to my game of Scrabble.
He keeps leaving me little messages around the house.
A lot of gay people hang around my house
Keeps the living ones away