House Jokes
172 house jokes and hilarious house puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about house that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From haunted house gags to jokes about moving house, this article has a wide selection of house-related jokes to tickle your funny bone. Read on for witty one-liners about waffle houses, new homes, cottages, and farmhouses. You'll be sure to find the perfect joke to bring a smile to your face – or to share with family and friends when you next return home.
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Funniest House Short Jokes
Short house jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The house humour may include short hotel jokes also.
- My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
- My housemates are convinced our house is haunted I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
- If this year has taught us anything, it's that donald trump is a regular American citizen He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
- It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
- I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB That was a trip down memory lane
- Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
- Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
- My wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you. - How many apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
- A house of cards is really fragile One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down
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House One Liners
Which house one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with house? I can suggest the ones about building and villa.
- What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house? Pardon me, please.
- An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery Slaves are given food and housing.
- The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...
- A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
- How much does santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.
- 90's kids won't get this 😂😂 Affordable housing prices
- What's the cheapest part of a house? The roof tiles, because they're on the house.
- Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house? Because it was 2 squared
- When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party Now I'm homeless
- Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch
- Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick.. How low can you get?
- A wife is like a hand grenade... Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
- I redid my entire house with mirrors... You could say it really reflects who I am.
- How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants
- I've just purchased a house in Liverpool. It's a 2 up, 5 down.
House Of Leaves Jokes
Here is a list of funny house of leaves jokes and even better house of leaves puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
- 75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
- I don't always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house... But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!
- Why are hurricanes named with female names? Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.
- Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house? Because he was Snowden
- Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming? Crackers always leave crumbs.
- I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween. I won't be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.) - Give a man a jacket Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.
Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house. - I told a poltergeist that I'd give him $10,000 to leave my home forever But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
- Baby, I'm gonna love you like a snowstorm... I'm gonna give you 10" and you won't be able to leave the house for three days.
New House Jokes
Here is a list of funny new house jokes and even better new house puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door. That way, I always make a grand entrance.
- I was disappointed to have to pay for my new roof they promised me it would be on the house
- Seeing as it's almost time for New Years Celebrations for myself Tonight I am an exorcist, as I shall be ridding the house of all Spirits.
- Orange is the new Black. in the white house.
- There's a new restaurant made out of a life-sized gingerbread house in town. I wonder if they serve children there.
- If Trump replaces Obama in the white house, then we can all say... Orange is the new Black.
Thanks, ~~I'll see myself out.~~ Apparently, I don't need to. - A man was walking through town when he noticed a guy working on a fence by their house. "Making a new fence?" the man asked. The guy responded "Nah." "Just a repost."
- TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House. Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.
- I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is. She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
- I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House He said, "So nothing new then"
House Husband Jokes
Here is a list of funny house husband jokes and even better house husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President? She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation. "The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.
"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles" - It was close to our anniversary and my wife was leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I took the hint and did what any astute husband would do. I got her a magazine rack.
- I'm so glad my wife took the car and the house from her first husband.
- My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn't stop running around the house. He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells stop resisting a rest!
- I can't believe that my cheating girlfriend kicked me out of the house. All because her husband came back from the army.
- A woman gives birth to a boy... Husband: I know what we should name him.
Wife: What?
Husband: 'Setting a house on fire'
Wife: What? Why?
Husband: Because he is arson. - A husband and wife moved from one sand castle house to another The wife divorced him the next day. She was furious he had another beach.
- The husband runs into the house yelling: "FIRE, FIRE!!!, Wifey... the house is on FIRE!!!" A voice from the bedroom closet says:" SAVE THE FURNITURE...SAVE THE FURNITURE!!!!"
- I told my husband See? I can fit all my craft supplies into one box. He said Stop calling our house a box.
White House Jokes
Here is a list of funny white house jokes and even better white house puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country The White House seems to always be hiring.
- Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.
Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?
Walter: It's on the house. - Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house. After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"
Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11." - Roses are red Congress is red
The Senate is red
The White House is red
welp - What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference? One is The Taming of the Shrew.
The other is the shaming of the true. - How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh? A Washington.
- Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy... Lives in the White House.
- Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn't want to go anywhere he doesn't feel welcome... So what's he still doing in the white house?
- Does anyone else remember seeing the Annoying Orange on YouTube? I sure do.
He was in the white house for four years. - If the blue man lives in the blue house, the green man lives in the green house, and the red man lives in the red house, then who lives in the white house? The orange man
Haunted House Jokes
Here is a list of funny haunted house jokes and even better haunted house puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house? Because the ghosts will bring the boos
- I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music. At first I was afraid, I was petrified
- Haunted House Idea: A room full of women saying "I'm fine."
- Why did the accordion player turn down a chance to play at a haunted house? He didn’t want to become a squeeze ghoul.
- "Whenever one door closes, another opens." "Wow, you must be very optimistic about life."
"No, I live in a haunted house." - The tenants said the house was haunted. You'd think I would've noticed after 200 years.
- To the many people out there who live in haunted houses... YOU ARE NOT ALONE
- Honestly 2017 should be recreated as a haunted house attraction. But instead of being scared, You get angry and offended.
- What do you use to plan a haunted house? Boo prints. :)
- I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties... but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?
Happy House Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about house you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hospital jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make house pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation s**......
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've never understood how the n**... couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding
I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
So the painters finish painting my home...
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"
I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"
I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bros v. h**...
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife is like a hand grenade...
remove the ring and your house is gone!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.
"To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?
Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wives are like grenades...
Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
My girlfriends parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....
.....and it was delicious
"The neighbors hate us."
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
"Uniformed police eat free you say?"
"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."
Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
The bro code
Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college?
You're the man of the house now
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their c**....
Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.
I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...
"I'll be returning"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... wrote on his FB status:
"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"
Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed
I was really angry because he is actually really handsome
What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?
Remove the ring and your house is gone
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?
They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the s**... club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?
I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.
Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked
I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!
Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?
I replied Nah she's not your size
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.
Dirty b**....
My wife asked me, Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents' house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
The genie of the lamp
Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »
Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.
They still got in.
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."
My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...
...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."
That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.
A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mushrooms
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having dinner at my boss's house.
His wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"
I said "Just one please."
She said "Oh come on, don't be so polite!"
I said "Ok. Just one, you ugly cow."
I rang my brothers house....
...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.
"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?
"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."
"What about your Mum?" I said
"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.
"What are they doing?" I asked
"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.
"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked
"Looking for me" he whispered
