House Jokes

Following is our collection of home humor and neighbor one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include House puns for adults, dirty valuables jokes or clean neighborhood gags for kids.

There is an abundance of white house jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 56 funniest jokes on house. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any yo mama house is so small witze you can hear about house.

The Best jokes about House

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?

Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.


My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.







The difference is staggering.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

The pub is ten minutes from my house...

However, my house is two hours from the pub...


Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."

The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
-

My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.


How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

My wife asked me, Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents' house.

My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?

I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.

Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked

I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!

Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?

I replied Nah she's not your size

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

What's the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they're on the house.

Wives are like grenades...

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...

"I'll be returning"

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared

"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.

"To fight the Decepticons," I said.

She laughed. I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

A wife is like a hand grenade...

remove the ring and your house is gone!

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can


"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!


Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit.

The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.

The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes