The Best 64 House Jokes
Following is our collection of funny House jokes. There are some house neighbor jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these house house of cards puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest House Jokes and Puns
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry
I'll return.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding
I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...
Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
Give a man a jacket
He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?
Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
You can explore house home reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean house valuables dad jokes. There are also house puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Wives are like grenades...
Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
My girlfriends parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
"The neighbors hate us."
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
"Uniformed police eat free you say?"
"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."
How much does Santa's sleigh cost?
$0, it's on the house.
A house of cards is really fragile
One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down
A robber broke into my house last night looking for money
So I woke up to look with him.
The pub is ten minutes from my house...
However, my house is two hours from the pub...
My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.
And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
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Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?
Because it was 2 squared
I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...
"I'll be returning"
Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.
Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.
One guy wrote on his FB status:
"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?
They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."
The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?
Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.
My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?
I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.
Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked
I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!
Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?
I replied Nah she's not your size
What's the cheapest part of a house?
The roof tiles, because they're on the house.
My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.
Dirty bastards.
My wife asked me, Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents' house.
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
If this year has taught us anything, it's that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen
He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?
Pardon me, please.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Quarantine has turned us into dogs.
We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
The genie of the lamp
Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »
A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mushrooms
Did you hear about the house the lesbians built?
Not a stud in the place, it's all tongue 'n' groove
My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don't worry...
I'll return
A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.
A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party
Now I'm homeless
A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book
An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"
The end is near
Every time a little boy went to his friend's house, he found the that his grandmother was always deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.
Why does your grandmother read the Bible so much? he asked.
I don't know, said his friend, but I think she's cramming for her finals.
A lawyer walks into a doctor's office with a huge tumor on his face.
Why didn't you come sooner? asks the doctor.
To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house, the tumor says.
Aman comes home from work and his wife greats him at the door wearing a sexy French maid outfit.
He smiles as he is looking her up and down. High heels and fishnet stockings. Then he says Thanks for cleaning the house today honey.
This Halloween, I stopped the pranksters before they covered my house with eggs again.
We met up for negotiations and signed a trick or treaty.
I gave my children a warning about using their whistle in the house, they had one last chance…
Unfortunately… they blew it
We do do windows.
A young woman had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.
The woman replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
The other day my house caught fire.
The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning down.
A man came home from work
He walked in the door and his wife said "Honey- pack your bags! I won the Powerball!"
"Wow; this is amazing!" he said, "Do I pack for the beach; a cruise, a new house- what?!"
She replied- "I don't care, just get the hell out!"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the house cleaning house puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working house dr house piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.