House Guest Jokes
18 house guest jokes and hilarious house guest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about house guest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest House Guest Short Jokes
Short house guest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The house guest humour may include short dinner guest jokes also.
- Yo mama's so ugly, Sonic.exe doesn't want to play with her.
Yo mama's so ugly, her mirror says "VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED".
Yo mama's so ugly, Unwanted House Guest doesn't go to her house. - I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their c**.... Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.
- Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to s**... on his chauffeur
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House Guest One Liners
Which house guest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with house guest? I can suggest the ones about guest and hostess.
- I once knew a guy who would pole vault for his house guests It was over the top.
- When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.
House Guest Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about house guest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean house husband jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make house guest pranks.
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House
One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.
A woman and her daughter are hosting a dinner party.
When all the guests arrive, the woman asks the little girl to say grace. She says, "But Mommy, I don't know what to say?" The mother says, "You've heard me pray. Just say you've heard me say." So the girl says, "Jesus, what was I thinking inviting all these people over to my house?"
I made a joke in my dream last night and I still think it's funny.
I was staying at my grandmother's house, and there were wasps in my guest room. Went to the kitchen and informed her. "Are there a lot of them?" She asked.
"There's so many wasps that they're starting a country club!"
Wanna know something interesting about Roland Emmerich?
He owns one of those antique steamboats, the kind with the giant wheel on the back, and he actually sails with it. In rivers of course, the open ocean is far too choppy, and would damage the antique boat. Anyway, he's got an entire house set up on the boat, complete with living quarters, entertainment rooms, and even a workout room. Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat, once there was this fat chick named Mary, she spent her whole time in the exercise room burning fat, she was pretty proud of herself for it too.
Roland still takes the boat up and down various rivers to this day,
with the big wheel keep on turning,
Proud Mary keep on burning,
Roland,
Roland,
Roland on the River!
Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.
Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.
A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.
"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"
"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"
Trump replies: " We're going to kill 14 million muslims and a dentist"
"Huh, why are you killing a dentist?"
Pence taps Trump on the back: "See, I told you no one would ask about the muslims"
t**...?
A guy in his mid twenties is in a bar when he notices an atractive m**.... He decides to try his luck and goes over to talk with her.
She seems interested and after a few drinks she asks him if he has ever considered taking part in a mother / daughter t**.... Seeing as the m**... is so attractive he figures why not? Surely with such an attractive m**... the daughter must be attractive as well.
They get a cab to her house and as she unlocks the door she shouts; "Mom, put in your teeth, we have a guest!"
A fine country lady is hosting a dinner party
and she wants to serve her famous Mushroom Soup. She invites over the whole neighborhood for dinner. The day of her big event she runs out of mushrooms and the small country store is sold out. She panics! "What evah shall I do??" she pleads to her husband.
"Well" he says "There are lots of mushrooms growing back in the cow pasture. We could use those." "Absolutely not!" she yells. "Those might be poisonous!"
He replies "Tell ya what, I'll go back and pick some and you make a small batch of soup. We'll feed it to the dog, Jack. If he is OK in an hour or so, we'll know they're OK". With no other options, she agrees. He goes and gets the mushrooms, she makes up some soup and old Jack just LOVES it. He horfs it right down and is just happy as a clam.
Few hours go by and old Jack is just dandy. The lady of the house goes into full Dinner Party mode. She is running behind schedule now so she calls the neighbor girl over to help her prepare. The lady figures she should warn the girl about Jack but doesn't want to confess the whole story. She tells the girl to just keep a CLOSE EYE on Jack, that he is very special to the family, and to let her know if anything comes up.
A few hours later the guests start to arrive and they all sit down for an absolutely wonderful presentation of Mushroom Soup. The guests are raving about it. They can't get enough. Everyone is just having a wonderful evening,..
When all the sudden the neighbor girl bursts into the room in hysterics! "OLD JACK IS DEAD!!!!" she cries. "HE'S DEAD, JUST.. DEAD!!"
The country lady immediately jumps into action. She calls the paramedics, the hospital and the police! They all arrive quickly and begin pumping stomaches and administering anti-poison medicines. People are puking in the yard, screaming, and crying. Ambulance after Ambulance comes and goes with guest after guest for what seems like hours.
Finally.. at 5am an exhausted lady and her helpful neighbor girl are setting in the kitchen trying to take stock in what happened. The neighbor girl looks over at the lady and says
"It really is a shame. The guy that ran over old Jack didn't even stop."
A guy really loved beans...
...so much that he had to stop eating them because they gave him horrible gas. After a couple of months, he went out to eat and decided to cave in just this one time since he'd been doing so well. He ended up eating 3 bowls of beans before his girlfriend called to make dinner plans. He knew he was going to be gassy, but he figured he could work it out. So that night, he goes over to his girlfriend's house. When he gets there, she tells him that she has a surprise for him but wants to blindfold him. She does, and leads him through the house and to the dining room table. She says she'll be right back, and he hears her leave. After just a few seconds, he gets a familiar rumble in his stomach. The urge to f**... is so great, but knowing his girlfriend is not in the room, he leans all the way to one side and lets it rip. Then the smell. He almost gagged himself, it was horrible. He waved his arms trying to dissipate the smell, and it seemed to go away just before his girlfriend came back in. "Ready?" She asked. He nodded, so she took off the blindfold. She yells, "surprise!" All of the other guests just stood there looking horrified.
First Jewish President
The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida.
A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House.
The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest is, exclaims to the mother, "Wow! you must know somebody very important to get special treatment like this!"
"Well of course", the mother replies, "the president is brother to my son, the Doctor!"
Incognito
Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
The Bats' Competition
Three Bats were talking about who was the best at s**... blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.
The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."
Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."
Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."