House Arrest Jokes
40 house arrest jokes and hilarious house arrest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about house arrest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest House Arrest Short Jokes
Short house arrest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The house arrest humour may include short arrested jokes also.
- When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he's a hero and a amazingly kind man When I do it I get arrested for trespassing and being a child predator
- The police break into Abraham Lincolns house... When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"
- What is house arrest for grown-ups? "Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM."
- Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's lecture during the siege has been arrested. His lawyer said that at the trial he won't be taking the stand.
- What did the imposter clown say when he was arrested at the House of Lords? "The real joker's in the Commons."
- You heard about the guy who had a heart-attack when the police entered his house? He had a cardiac arrest
- Did you hear about the guy who left his phone charging overnight? It overcharged, caught fire and burned the house down.
He was arrested on charges of battery. - Why do middle aged white executives not have a problem with quarantine? Because they're under house arrest anyway
- The house from UP was arrested for being high and kidnapping a child. in its defense, the house said "I was framed!"
- I have no problem following these stay at home and social distancing orders... ...after being on house arrest and being ordered to stay 500 feet away from someone, it's a piece of cake!
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House Arrest One Liners
Which house arrest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with house arrest? I can suggest the ones about escape from jail and jail.
- In 2019, school was prison. Now it's house arrest.
- Hugh Laurie was confronted by a police officer at his door. It was a House arrest.
- What did the policeman say to the man in the basement? "You're under house arrest."
- My lad got arrested for setting a house on fire... the police told me it was arson.
- What do you call an ex on house arrest? Out of Stalk
- A burglar was arrested after entering my house. He claimed it was consensual.
- A man was arrested when his house was found to be full of crows. He was a m**....
House Arrest Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about house arrest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean detention jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make house arrest pranks.
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots
Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Officer: "the floor is still wet."
Real happiness
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness
The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"
The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make love to her, then you go your separate ways never meeting again"
The Russian : "no you are both wrong, real happiness is when secret police come to your house in middle of night and tell you: Ivan Ivanovich you arrested for conspiracing against the state and you tell them : sorry Ivan Ivanovich lives next door."
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
Adam Johnson, the man pictured carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's lectern during the Capitol riot, has been arrested in Florida
His lawyer has confirmed that at trial he will not be taking the stand.
Police bursts into a man's house.
They put him on the floor, handcuff him and all that shabang.
One of the officers says to him: "You are arrested for illegally downloading the whole Wikipedia!"
The man says: "I'm sorry officer.
I can explain everything."
A woman shot her husband.
A woman shot her husband for walking on her freshly mopped floor.
When the police arrived at the house the sergeant contacted one of the officers over the radio:
"Have you arrested her yet?" The sergeant asked.
"Not yet" replied the officer, "the floor's still wet"
m**... Jagger and Keith Richards were arrested for allegedly breaking into a Spanish man's house
They reportedly took some of his belongings (only what they could carry). When the police asked the homeowner about it, he said "They took what they could, but then.... The Rolling Stones gathered no más."
An American and a Chinese were arguing about which government was better
The American boasts, "clearly the American government is better. You can go to the white house with a megaphone and yell 'Trump s**...!' and you wouldn't even be arrested."
The Chinese replied, "what of it? You can go to Tiananmen square and yell 'Trump s**...!' and you still wouldn't be arrested."
A man robs a bank to get away from his wife...
As he sat on the steps of the bank waiting for the police to come he was relieved with thoughts of never having to see his wife again.
Later In the court room waiting for his ruling, he was excited to finally be somewhere far far away from her.
Seeing this the judge thought of the worst possible sentence that he can give him.
He was given 2 years house arrest.
I got arrested today for not opening the door for my neighbour....
Apparently it's i**... to keep him locked inside my house
A protester who shouted "Donald Trump is a m**...!" in front of the White House was arrested by the secret service and given 25 years in prison.
5 years for defamation, the court had announced, and an additional 20 years for leaking top-secret information.
Today is the 13th day of Christmas. My house is over-run with noisy birds and a crowd of hungry and confused pipers, drummers, lords and ladies. On top of all that...
...my true love was arrested for human trafficking.
Did you hear about the homeless person who broke into someone's home and slept in their bed.
The police like to say he's under house arrest.
How are relatable things, and alcholic fathers under house arrest, alike?
They both hit really close to home
My ex got me arrested cause i used to sit outside her house all day.
She thought i was stalking her but i wasn't, i just had her WiFi code.
USSR Joke Adapted For 2018
On a tour of Washington D.C. a young man lags behind the tour group to take a longer look at the White House. However, he was quite upset with the President and in a moment of anger he shouts across the lawn "The President is a disgusting pig". As he turns to walk away the D.C. police quickly arrest the man and he is taken before a judge. The Judge takes a cursory glance at the charges and sentences the man to 4 years in prison. In disbelief he yells to the judge "I didn't know insulting the President was a crime". The Judge lowers his glasses and says "Insulting the President isn't a crime, but revealing state secrets is".