The Best 82 Hours Jokes
Following is our collection of Hours jokes which are very funny. There are some hours months jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hours weekday puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Hours Jokes and Puns
A gay deer goes into a bar.....
A gay deer goes into a bar, hangs out for a couple of hours, blows 42 bucks.
I ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late
She loves me wrong time.
I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
He still won't tell me who's a good boy.
My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I
couldn't help but admire it.
"Nice car," I said as he got out.
"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."
My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln
As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."
A guy gets a call from his Doctor...
The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
I bought my dog a new toy...
...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".
A man goes to his Rabbi
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours.
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.
They've been sizing each other up for hours.
You can explore hours wife reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hours finally dad jokes. There are also hours puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Gays in the military
If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
I was having dinner ..
.. .. with Garry Kasporov
and on the table was a checkered tablecloth.
It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
There were 2 blondes...
So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".
A gangster asks his son how his exam went
"They questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing, dad."
My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.
I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."
Girls say I'm an animal in bed.
More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.
I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab.
This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.
Chinese Sick Day
Ho Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?
For the watch
A clearly exhausted Pao walks into a pub and orders a drink....
The bartender asks "long day?"
"No, all days are 24 hours long" Pao replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
Why are there no transvestites in space?
Because there is zero drag.
^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
I had a job interview...
...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"
The brain
The brain is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked.
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.
I'm sorry.
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The urine belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper
looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom...
I've just been fired from the clock making factory
after all those extra hours I put in.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"
Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."
Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."
[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]
Hey girl, are you the SAT?
Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."
A lot of people don't like Mondays
But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.
Chinese man calls in sick
Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..
Getting 8 hours of sleep
If you watch 127 Hours backwards
It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.
My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.
His record is 20 years and still counting.
I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..
Took me hours to finish my meal.
My dad and I play hide and seek all the time. My record was 3 hours until my dad found me.
His record is 20 years and still counting.
The Pope and an atheist are having an argument
After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."
C and C++ walk into a bar...
After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!
After all the extra hours I put into it!
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year
Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all
I farted in a room full of hipsters.
They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.
A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?
The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'
So I got fired from the clock factory yesterday
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough hours
I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.
We just clicked.
How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.
The pub is ten minutes from my house...
However, my house is two hours from the pub...
I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.
She thinks I'm digging a pond.
I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...
...they hired me.
I can't remember the name of my favorite joke on here
It's fine though. I'm sure I'll see it in a couple hours.
I had sex for 3 hours last night...
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.
How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees? he asks himself.
Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly.
Hmm, it looks okay, says the server, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, What's that noise?
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
A kid falls into a well.
After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"
"Yes, please help me!"
"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way. How old are you? What's it like down there?"
"I'm 14 and this is deep!"
So they made a documentary on Netflix about Madeline McCann....
8 episodes, roughly 8 hours, and if you watched it you watched her more than her parents did.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...
Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it's a local call."
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in October! Playing along, I laughed, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...
The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.
Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.
The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.
The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.
The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.
I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.
If you drink that fluorescent liquid there's inside those party bracelets you can predict the future
My friend just drank 5 of them and said he was going to die, 2 hours later he was dead.
An American, a Chinese and an Indian went on a world tour by Air.
The American proudly declared "we have reached my homeland USA" pointing at the Statue of Liberty.
After some hours, the Chinese pointed at the Great Wall of China and exclaimed "friends, we have reached China".
More hours went by and all eyes were on the Indian. He calmly opened the window and put his hand outside. When he pulled his arm back, his wristwatch was gone. Unconcerned, he announced "Guys, welcome to India."
The wife and I were getting frisky this morning and I asked her to use her hand to make me feel good
...so she counted out the number of hours left until Trump is no longer President.
A man was sitting in the couch when his wife came in
The wife told him their son needs 200 dollars for school donation so he gave it to her.
Later that day his son hugged him and thanked him for the 50 he gave to school.
And few hours later the principal messaged him to thank him for the 10 dollars donation.
Pete goes to a masturbation addiction meeting
The meeting had been going on for hours and he really had to pee.
He raised his hand and asked "May I use the restroom?"
The host said that it was alright, once Pete had turned around he heard a voice saying "Ya need a hand?"
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.
"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.
"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.
My Grandad was the best drummer in the world
He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He was still playing right up till the moment he died aged 86 when my grandmother stabbed him in the neck with a fork.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hours midnight jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working hours foreman piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.