Hours Jokes
114 hours jokes and hilarious hours puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hours that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hours Short Jokes
Short hours jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hours humour may include short minutes jokes also.
- Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
- C and C++ walk into a bar... After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
- "Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour." - What's the difference between Brazil and the USA? About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.
- After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day." - Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
- After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin 12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth
- Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter? Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds! - I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is." - Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.
^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.
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Hours One Liners
Which hours one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hours? I can suggest the ones about daytime and seconds.
- The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...
- I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours. We just clicked.
- I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
- Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
- Scientists watched the earth rotate for 24 hours and got tired, So they called it a day
- Just lasted over an hour in bed... Thank you day light savings
- A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.
- Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard? The barber
- Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
- I grilled a chicken for 2 hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.
- What's the difference between Florida and the Lost City of Atlantis? A few hours.
- How to get laid?? 1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense. - Why did the emo kid leave the bar? It was happy hour.
- I was tired of watching the moon rotate for 24 hours So I decided to call it a day
- Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet... in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
24 Hours Jokes
Here is a list of funny 24 hours jokes and even better 24 hours puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday.
- If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all - Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day. I'm sorry.
- A clearly exhausted Pao walks into a pub and orders a drink.... The bartender asks "long day?"
"No, all days are 24 hours long" Pao replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is. - Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
- The human brain is amazing It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
- In ancient times, people watched the earth spin for 24 hours. They got bored though, so they called it a day
- America is in the labor room right now... Within 24 hours we will know if it's a boy or a girl.
- I've found a great 24-hour Indian restaurant It's my favorite nonstop naan-stop
- I'd like to congratulate Whitney Houston... ...on being 24 hours sober!
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Hours Jokes
What funny jokes about hours you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean months jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hours pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I ordered an Asian h**..., she arrived 2 hours late
She loves me wrong time.
I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
He still won't tell me who's a good boy.
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
I bought my dog a new toy...
...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".
A man goes to his Rabbi
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
The other day a girl asked me if I like b**... or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed p**... with thin lips...
So I got kicked out of KFC.
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.
They've been sizing each other up for hours.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
g**... in the military
If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
I was having dinner ..
.. .. with Garry Kasporov
and on the table was a checkered tablecloth.
It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
There were 2 blondes...
So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".
A gangster asks his son how his exam went
"They questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing, dad."
My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.
I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."
Girls say I'm an animal in bed.
More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.
I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The brain
The brain is a amazing o**... it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman n**....
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper
looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
Hey girl, are you the SAT?
Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..
Getting 8 hours of sleep
If you watch 127 Hours backwards
It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.
My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.
His record is 20 years and still counting.
I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..
Took me hours to finish my meal.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I f**... in a room full of hipsters.
They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.
I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...
...they hired me.
I can't remember the name of my favorite joke on here
It's fine though. I'm sure I'll see it in a couple hours.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had s**... for 3 hours last night...
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.
Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.
The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.
The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.
The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.
I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.
Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.
They still got in.
Longest Drum Solo
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...
...and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the h**... have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"
A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine.
No congestion for hours!
I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.
The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'
Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids
Let's make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....
Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates
Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift
A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice
It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.
A Russian worker standing in a liquor line says: I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.
Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.
His friends ask, Did you get him?
No, the line there was even longer than the line here.
A guy dies, goes to the gates of heaven, and starts telling Saint Peter a joke.
8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."
The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...
So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.
I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours
And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They're appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.
The boy leaves and the girl's mom remarks, Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy.
* Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service? *
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.
Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.
Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,
grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.
Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"
He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''
he said ''no the queue was too long''
I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station
I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.
I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.
After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.
After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass...
Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!
Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him That's it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin. They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him Well, did you do it? The worker says, No, the line there was much longer than the line here.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
A lawyer goes to heaven
St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"
St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."
The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"
St Peter says "Well, we just added up all of the hours you've billed to your clients."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Finnish guys are sitting in a ferry, drinking v**.....
After a few hours of drinking one of the Finns says This was fun
The other one replies:
Are we here to drink, or are we here to talk?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chuck Norris got ambushed by terrorists with a $5,000,000 ransom
If the money wasn't paid within 24 hours, the terrorists would be beheaded
The chick I picked up wanted to play doctor
So i sat her on a chair in the hallway and let her wait for 2 hours
Have you seen the difference 12 hours can make?
It's night and day!
