hotline Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious hotline puns

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

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I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.

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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq...

The dude got all excited and asked me if i could drive a truck

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"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

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I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

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I called the rape advice hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims

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I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

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After weeks of abuse from my parents I finally decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Thank you for calling the constipation hotline...

Please hold.

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My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold

They just left him hangin'

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A frog

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."

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I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

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I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

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My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

They don't let me volunteer for the suicide prevention hotline anymore.

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Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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A frog telephones a psychic hotline

and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

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I called a suicide hotline in saudi arabia

they got excited and asked me if i could fly a plane

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I called a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia

They got excited and asked me if I knew how to fly a plane

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I once called the suicide prevention hotline in Iraq

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.

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I called the child abuse hotline..

Because I found out EA was fucking my kids.

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I called the rape advice hotline the other day...

Turns out, it was meant for victims

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Called the rape advice hotline last night..

Apparently it's only for victims.

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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq

The got excited and asked if i could drive a truck

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So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

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I called a rape advice hotline...

Turns out they only help victim.

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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck

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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

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new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

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I run a suicide hotline.

A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.

He must've confused me with the *anti*-suicide hotline.

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Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline..

If you are obsessive compulsive press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want..stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are a nymphomaniac please stop doing that with the phone..

If you are schizophrenic listen carefully - a small voice will tell you which button to press.

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I got fired from a suicide hotline

Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology.

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I rang the RSPCA hotline...

I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

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I called the rape support hotline last night.

Apparently it is only for victims.

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I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline

They said just do it.

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Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?

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What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

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Why is working a suicide prevention hotline such an uplifting job?

Win or lose, you get no bad customer reviews.

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Answering machine message

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

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Outsourcing is getting ridiculous

I was feeling down and called the suicide hotline, they patched me through to someone in afghanistan, the assholes got all excited and started asking if I could drive a truck!

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I called the paranoia society hotline this morning…

The operator answered and said, "How did you get this number?!"

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So apparently the rape advice hotline

Is for victims......

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I called the suicide prevention hotline in Iran

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck

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The rape advice hotline hung up on me today...

Apparently "How do I stop them from blowing a rape whistle?" wasn't a valid question

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I called the rape advice hotline yesterday

apparently it is only for victims

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Seriously, why put the suicide hotline on the backs of buses?

Put it on the fronts.

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Welcome to the suspense hotline.

Please hold.

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I was about to kill myself yesterday...

Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National Suicide Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".

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Welcome to the physchiatric hotline

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are maniac depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are a depressive, don't press anything. Just sit there and cry.

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I called the sexual abuse hotline for help.

...Apparently it's only for victims

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Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

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This is the psychiatry hotline,

If you are Obsessive- Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly,

If you are co- dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you,

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6,

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on theο»Ώ line so we can trace your call,

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship,

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press,

If you're depressive it doesn't matter which number you'll press no one will answer you,

If you're dyslexic press 69696996966,

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep, please wait for the beep,

If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later
and if you have low self-esteem, hang up, all operators are too busy to talk to you...

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I called the rape advice hotline today...

I had no idea it was for victims

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"Incontinence hotline...

...can you hold?"

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I work on a jaundice support hotline.

The boss was not too pleased I was answering the phone with: yellow.

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Thank you for calling the incontinence hotline,

Please hold.

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Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline:

If at first you don't succeed...

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I called a suicide hotline in Japan.

They were really helpful. It was quick and painless.

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Suicide Hotline

Did you hear the government moved the suicide-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?

I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

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I also called a suicide hotline in Iraq...

They told me to try calling back in a few days because they already had enough volunteers for the week.

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I tried calling the rape advice hotline today...

Apparently it's for the "victims?"

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I dialed the rape hotline

It turns out they only help victims

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The answering protocol for the psychiatric hotline.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will answer.

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I called the rape advice hotline....

.... but they said it was only for victims

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The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.

*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?

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Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline

I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.

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The Suicide Hotline is Unbearable

They always leave people hanging.

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Hi, you're through to the Incontinence Hotline...

Can you hold please?

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Today I got fired from my job as a suicide hotline operator...

Apparently reverse psychology wasn't a good method...

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Middle Eastern suicide hotline

A man living in Iraq calls in the the suicide hotline and he says to the operator " I'm feeling very suicidal and don't feel like living anymore"
The operator replies to him " well sir can you drive a truck".

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A man wanted to commit suicide

But he hesitated and called the suicide prevention hotline.

Suicide prevention: Hello?

Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?

Suicide prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!

*a few minutes pass*

Suicide prevention: Hello?

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I called the abuse hotline and they were so rude to me

They said they only help victims

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I called a suicide hotline today...

they do NOT give the kind of advice I was looking for.

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I called the rape advice hotline...

...Turns out it's only for victims.

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Who is the world's worst suicide hotline operator?

Shia Lebouf.

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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I called the suicide hotline today.

They left me hanging.

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Some guy tried to call me 3 times and when I finally called him back, he didn't answer!

God I hate working for the suicide hotline...

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Alzheimer's is a bitch.

A young man called his father to see if he had gotten any information about his memory problem.

"Hey Dad, did you call the Alzheimer's hotline earlier?"

"Yeah, but after a few minutes I got disconnected, so I couldn't get the information."

"Why didn't you just hit redial?"

"I don't recall."

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[Offensive] A muslim calls a suicide hotline.

H: Whats the problem?

M: I have suicidal thoughts.

H: Great! Can you pilot a plane?

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Come hang with us...

Welcome to the suicide prevention hotline.

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I tried to order some rope on suicide hotline this morning...

Now for some reason they're knocking on my door

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Paranoia Hotline

I phoned the Paranoia Helpline, but I hung up after fifty-nine seconds.

I'm sure they were trying to trace my call.

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I called a suicide hotline in India...

They told me to try turning it off and turning it back on again.

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I called the suicide hotline today

Now homeland security is investigating my ties to ISIS.

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I called the rape hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims

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I called the Incontinence Hotline today...

...they said, "Please Hold."

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I called the Paranoia Hotline: This guy answered and said, "How the hell did you get this number?"

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Incontinence hotline..

Can you hold please?

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Call the suicide hotline the other day...

they put me on hold and "Jump" by Van Halen came on.

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I called into a suicide hotline

And they tried to save my life, talk about misleading.

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What's the phone number for the German Rape Support Hotline?

Nein! Nein! Nein!

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I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline...

Apparently it's only for "victims".

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I lost my job at the Suicide Hotline.

Whenever I put someone on hold, I'd play Van Halen's 'Jump'.

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Psychic Phone Sex Hotline

Hey baby, tell me what I'm wearing.

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A man is set to go hunting, he's supposed to meet his buddy who is already there...

When he gets there he sees that his friends truck door is open and he's laying on the ground right next to the door. As you slowly approaches he notices he's not breathing so in panic stricken state he calls 911...

Operater: "911 hotline, please state your emergency."

Hunter: "My friend, he's laying on the ground! He's dead!"

Operater: "Calm down sir, first we have to make sure your friend is dead"

(Few moments of silence then 2 loud distinct gun shots)

Hunter: "Okay, now what!?"

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I called the Muslim suicide hotline

but they kept asking me if I can fly a plane.

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A man has made up his mind to commit suicide..

..so he tidies all of his documents and cooks one last breakfast. He looked at the clock- 7:03 AM.

*Oh shoot, my shift at the suicide hotline center starts in an hour*

So he picks up the phone to call in sick.

"Suicide hotline cen-"

"OMG I JUST GOT IT". and he laughs, and laughs, and laughs..

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I was in Iran for awhile and got a little bit depressed about something for awhile

so I called the suicide hotline but the rates were expensive so I did it myself.

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Today I called the rape help and advice hotline...

Apparently it's only for victims

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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

Had to ask for direction

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I called the suffocation hotline yesterday...

I was instructed to hold.

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I called the Rape Hotline

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I called the suicide hotline today...

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Someone asked me who wrote Hotline Bling, and I said "ke."

Because I forgot about Dra.

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What do you call a line of diamonds on fire?

Hotline Bling.

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Who answers the Crime Stoppers Hotline?

Stymied Coppers

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Incontinence Hotline

Could you hold, please?

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Rape Hotline

I called the rape advice hotline. I didn't realize it was for victims.

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What do you call a hot girls number?

Hotline Miami 76.

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I called up a psychic hotline the other day

They asked me who I was, so I hung up.

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Why did the guy lose his job at the suicide prevention hotline? v2

He kept leaving them hanging.

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Why did the guy lose his job at the suicide prevention hotline?

He kept putting people on hold.

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Robin Williams tried calling the suicide hotline, but it was useless.

They left him hanging.

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A man calls the suicide hotline and speaks to the operator

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I️ was searching the web the other day and came across the Suicide help hotline

I️ can tie a noose perfectly fine, I️ don't need any help to do it.

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The Eddie Izzard Diabetic Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-CAKRDTH

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Hello, is this the Imodium hotline?

Yes. Please hold.

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Yesterday I called the rape advice hotline...

Apparently it's only for victims.

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I phone the child abuse hotline today

I much prefer abusing in person if I'm honest

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I was seeking advice on how to kill the awesomest person alive

...so I called the Suicide Hotline.

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When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble...

I'm his Hotline Zing!

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I called a suicide hotline in Pakistan

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I called the rape hotline today

But it turns out it is for the victims

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If hotline miami is so good...

Why isn't there a hotline miami 2?

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I like calling the Psychic Hotline...

... and asking them what I'm wearing.

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Called the rape advice hotline.

Turns out they only help victims.

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So I called the rape advice hotline

Apparently it's only for victims..

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A suicide hotline in the United Arab Emirates

Caller: I'm feeling depressed
Hotline Operative: Great can you fly a plane?

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Suicide Hotline

Please hold.

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I called the rape advice hotline

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Was really suicidal, so I called the suicide hotline.

They patched me through to Al-Qaeda.

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I was depressed last night so I called the suicide hotline

Got a call center in Afghanistan and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

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I'd try to recreate hotline miami

But I'd fall in a sink hole.

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Called the rape advice hotline.....

Turns out it's only for the victims

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What do you call the Airplane instructors in Afghanistan?

Suicide Hotline.

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What are the best Hotline puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Hotline? Well, here are the best jokes about Hotline to have fun with.

Joko Jokes