Hotline Jokes

Following is our collection of immigration humor and lifeline one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Hotline puns for adults, dirty telecom jokes or clean victims gags for kids.

There is an abundance of call jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on hotline. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any phone witze you can hear about hotline.

The Best jokes about Hotline

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

I called the rape advice hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims


I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

Thank you for calling the constipation hotline...

Please hold.

My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold

They just left him hangin'

A frog

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."

I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"


My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

They don't let me volunteer for the suicide prevention hotline anymore.

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

I called a suicide hotline in saudi arabia

they got excited and asked me if i could fly a plane

I called the rape advice hotline the other day...

Turns out, it was meant for victims

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.


I run a suicide hotline.

A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.

He must've confused me with the *anti*-suicide hotline.

Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline..

If you are obsessive compulsive press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want..stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are a nymphomaniac please stop doing that with the phone..

If you are schizophrenic listen carefully - a small voice will tell you which button to press.

I got fired from a suicide hotline

Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology.

I called the rape support hotline last night.

Apparently it is only for victims.

What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline

They said just do it.

Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?

Why is working a suicide prevention hotline such an uplifting job?

Win or lose, you get no bad customer reviews.

Answering machine message

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

I called the paranoia society hotline this morning…

The operator answered and said, "How did you get this number?!"

The rape advice hotline hung up on me today...

Apparently "How do I stop them from blowing a rape whistle?" wasn't a valid question

Seriously, why put the suicide hotline on the backs of buses?

Put it on the fronts.

Welcome to the suspense hotline.

Please hold.

Welcome to the physchiatric hotline

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are maniac depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are a depressive, don't press anything. Just sit there and cry.

I was about to kill myself yesterday...

Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National Suicide Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".

This is the psychiatry hotline,

If you are Obsessive- Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly,

If you are co- dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you,

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6,

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on theο»Ώ line so we can trace your call,

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship,

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press,

If you're depressive it doesn't matter which number you'll press no one will answer you,

If you're dyslexic press 69696996966,

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep, please wait for the beep,

If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later
and if you have low self-esteem, hang up, all operators are too busy to talk to you...

I called the sexual abuse hotline for help.

...Apparently it's only for victims

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn't know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

"Incontinence hotline...

...can you hold?"

I work on a jaundice support hotline.

The boss was not too pleased I was answering the phone with: yellow.

Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline:

If at first you don't succeed...

I called a suicide hotline in Japan.

They were really helpful. It was quick and painless.

Don't bother calling the tinnitus hotline

It just keeps ringing and ringing

The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.

*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?

Suicide Hotline

Did you hear the government moved the suicide-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?

I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

I also called a suicide hotline in Iraq...

They told me to try calling back in a few days because they already had enough volunteers for the week.

I dialed the rape hotline

It turns out they only help victims

Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline

I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.

A young man at his wit's end called the Suicide Hotline for help. Unfortunately he was greeted by an automated voice message after waiting for several rings.

"Hello," spoke an artificial sounding voice on the other line "we regret to inform you that the Suicide Hotline is no longer in service. If you do require assistance with your suicide please use the emergency number 911 and an officer will be out to assist you shortly."

Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

The answering protocol for the psychiatric hotline.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will answer.

Nike should operate a suicide hotline

And tell every caller to just do it

The Suicide Hotline is Unbearable

They always leave people hanging.

Today I got fired from my job as a suicide hotline operator...

Apparently reverse psychology wasn't a good method...

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water?
* Hunger?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please call the water addiction hotline, 1-5-STOP-WATER.

Middle Eastern suicide hotline

A man living in Iraq calls in the the suicide hotline and he says to the operator " I'm feeling very suicidal and don't feel like living anymore"
The operator replies to him " well sir can you drive a truck".

A man wanted to commit suicide

But he hesitated and called the suicide prevention hotline.

Suicide prevention: Hello?

Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?

Suicide prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!

*a few minutes pass*

Suicide prevention: Hello?

I called the abuse hotline and they were so rude to me

They said they only help victims

I called a suicide hotline today...

they do NOT give the kind of advice I was looking for.

Who is the world's worst suicide hotline operator?

Shia Lebouf.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes