The Best 60 Hotline Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Hotline jokes. There are some hotline lifeline jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hotline victims puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Hotline Jokes and Puns

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

jokes about hotline

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.


The Suicide Hotline is Unbearable

They always leave people hanging.

I called the sexual abuse hotline for help.

...Apparently it's only for victims

Hotline joke, I called the sexual abuse hotline for help.

Seriously, why put the suicide hotline on the backs of buses?

Put it on the fronts.

I called the rape support hotline last night.

Apparently it is only for victims.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

The rape advice hotline hung up on me today...

Apparently "How do I stop them from blowing a rape whistle?" wasn't a valid question

You can explore hotline immigration reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hotline telecom dad jokes. There are also hotline puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline

I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.

Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

"Incontinence hotline...

...can you hold?"

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

Hotline joke, "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

I got fired from a suicide hotline

Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology.

Suicide Hotline

Did you hear the government moved the suicide-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?

I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.


My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold

They just left him hangin'

Thank you for calling the constipation hotline...

Please hold.

I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline

They said just do it.

Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline:

If at first you don't succeed...

I run a suicide hotline.

A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.

He must've confused me with the *anti*-suicide hotline.

I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

I also called a suicide hotline in Iraq...

They told me to try calling back in a few days because they already had enough volunteers for the week.

Hotline joke, I also called a suicide hotline in Iraq...

I called a suicide hotline in Japan.

They were really helpful. It was quick and painless.

Why is working a suicide prevention hotline such an uplifting job?

Win or lose, you get no bad customer reviews.

Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?


I called the paranoia society hotline this morning…

The operator answered and said, "How did you get this number?!"

What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

Welcome to the suspense hotline.

Please hold.

The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.

*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?

Today I got fired from my job as a suicide hotline operator...

Apparently reverse psychology wasn't a good method...


I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

I called the rape advice hotline the other day...

Turns out, it was meant for victims

I called the rape advice hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims

I was about to kill myself yesterday...

Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National Suicide Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".

My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

They don't let me volunteer for the suicide prevention hotline anymore.

I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

I dialed the rape hotline

It turns out they only help victims

A frog

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."

I called a suicide hotline in saudi arabia

they got excited and asked me if i could fly a plane

Nike should operate a suicide hotline

And tell every caller to just do it

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water?
* Hunger?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please call the water addiction hotline, 1-5-STOP-WATER.

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn't know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

Don't bother calling the tinnitus hotline

It just keeps ringing and ringing

A young man at his wit's end called the Suicide Hotline for help. Unfortunately he was greeted by an automated voice message after waiting for several rings.

"Hello," spoke an artificial sounding voice on the other line "we regret to inform you that the Suicide Hotline is no longer in service. If you do require assistance with your suicide please use the emergency number 911 and an officer will be out to assist you shortly."

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

I called the suicide prevention hotline

They told me to hang on

A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize

All I got was a burnt hand

Dark pickup lines

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.

Are you a noose?
Because I'd love to hang with you.

Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.

Are you a death certificate?
Because I wish you were mine.

Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I'd like to stick my fingers inside you.

Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, How did you get this number?!

Thank you for calling the narcissist hotline.

How can you help me today?

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

Called the tinnitus hotline.

0 stars - never stopped ringing.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.

They left him hanging.

I tried calling the tinnitus hotline last night

It just kept ringing……..

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hotline call puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working hotline phone piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes