Hotline Jokes
95 hotline jokes and hilarious hotline puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hotline that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these hilarious hotline jokes, inspired by Drake's "Hotline Bling" and popular mental health and immigration hotlines. From helpful dispatchers and agency workers, get ready for some of the funniest jokes out there.
Funniest Hotline Short Jokes
Short hotline jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hotline humour may include short dispatcher jokes also.
- I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
- Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if... Every fifth caller was a winner.
- My crush gave me her phone number!! I didn't know she works at the rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)
- I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please? She said sorry, we only have mediums
- Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.
- Paranoia Hotline I phoned the Paranoia Helpline, but I hung up after fifty-nine seconds.
I'm sure they were trying to trace my call. - If you call one of those psychic hotlines and they don't greet you by your name, you should hang up!
- I found a mouse in my toilet. That's so sad. They have hotlines to prevent that sort of thing you know.
- I'd try to recreate hotline miami But I'd fall in a sink hole.
- Who answers the Crime Stoppers Hotline? Stymied Coppers
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Hotline One Liners
Which hotline one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hotline? I can suggest the ones about agency and immigration.
- I called the tinnitus hotline but it just kept ringing :/
- "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"
- Thank you for calling the constipation hotline... Please hold.
- I just called the paranoia hotline. A guy answered, How did you get this number?!
- So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day I got cut-off.
- Called the tinnitus hotline. 0 stars - never stopped ringing.
- Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline What would you like to report, Peter?
- I wouldn't suggest calling the tinnitus help hotline It just keeps ringing
- Welcome to the suspense hotline. Please hold.
- Thank you for calling the narcissist hotline. How can you help me today?
- "Incontinence hotline... ...can you hold?"
- I think gambling hotlines would be more effective if every fifth caller won a prize.
- A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize All I got was a burnt hand
- I like calling the Psychic Hotline... ... and asking them what I'm wearing.
- Hello, is this the Imodium hotline? Yes. Please hold.
Hotline Bling Jokes
Here is a list of funny hotline bling jokes and even better hotline bling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a line of diamonds on fire? Hotline Bling.
- Someone asked me who wrote Hotline Bling, and I said "ke." Because I forgot about Dra.
Happy Hotline Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about hotline you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean victims jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hotline pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called a s**... hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Depression
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the s**... Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Mental health hotline.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The s**... Hotline is Unbearable
They always leave people hanging.
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I called into a s**... hotline
And they tried to save my life, talk about misleading.
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Seriously, why put the s**... hotline on the backs of buses?
Put it on the fronts.
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I lost my job at the s**... Hotline.
Whenever I put someone on hold, I'd play Van Halen's 'Jump'.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called a s**... hotline today...
they do NOT give the kind of advice I was looking for.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.
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The r**... advice hotline hung up on me today...
Apparently "How do I stop them from blowing a r**... whistle?" wasn't a valid question
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Eddie Izzard Diabetic s**... Prevention Hotline
1-800-CAKRDTH
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...
During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the s**... hotline was looking for.
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new job in call center
I got a new job with the local s**... hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.
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I called the Muslim s**... hotline
but they kept asking me if I can fly a plane.
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I lost my job at the s**... hotline.
Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.
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s**... Hotline
Did you hear the government moved the s**...-hotline call center to the middle east to save money?
I called to talk to someone and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.
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[Offensive] A muslim calls a s**... hotline.
H: Whats the problem?
M: I have suicidal thoughts.
H: Great! Can you pilot a plane?
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My roommate called the s**... hotline and they put him on hold
They just left him hangin'
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Who is the world's worst s**... hotline operator?
Shia Lebouf.
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I accidentally called Nike instead of the s**... hotline
They said just do it.
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Terrible advice for a s**... survival hotline:
If at first you don't succeed...
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I run a s**... hotline.
A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.
He must've confused me with the *anti*-s**... hotline.
I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road
"Are they moving?" asked the operator
"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
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I also called a s**... hotline in Iraq...
They told me to try calling back in a few days because they already had enough volunteers for the week.
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I called a s**... hotline in Japan.
They were really helpful. It was quick and painless.
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I called a s**... hotline in India...
They told me to try turning it off and turning it back on again.
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I was in Iran for awhile and got a little bit depressed about something for awhile
so I called the s**... hotline but the rates were expensive so I did it myself.
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Why is working a s**... prevention hotline such an uplifting job?
Win or lose, you get no bad customer reviews.
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What do you get for calling a s**... hotline in Iraq?
A job offer
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Call the s**... hotline the other day...
they put me on hold and "Jump" by Van Halen came on.
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The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline
*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?
*Caller*: My life s**..., I see no way out.
*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.
*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?
*Hotline*: How close are you to India?
*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.
*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called the a**... hotline and they were so rude to me
They said they only help victims
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I called the s**... hotline today
They left me hanging
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I called the s**... hotline today
Now homeland security is investigating my ties to ISIS.
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Psychic Phone s**... Hotline
Hey baby, tell me what I'm wearing.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called the r**... advice hotline today
Apparently it's only for victims
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was about to kill myself yesterday...
Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National s**... Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".
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A man calls the s**... hotline and speaks to the operator
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I️ was searching the web the other day and came across the s**... help hotline
I️ can tie a noose perfectly fine, I️ don't need any help to do it.
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A man wanted to commit s**...
But he hesitated and called the s**... prevention hotline.
s**... prevention: Hello?
Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?
s**... prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!
*a few minutes pass*
s**... prevention: Hello?
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My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
They don't let me volunteer for the s**... prevention hotline anymore.
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I was being trained as a caller in a s**... prevention hotline...
...On my first day of training, my manager said;
"Let me show you the ropes!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the phone number for the German r**... Support Hotline?
Nein! Nein! Nein!
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Some guy tried to call me 3 times and when I finally called him back, he didn't answer!
God I hate working for the s**... hotline...
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When Drake gets c**..., he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble...
I'm his Hotline Zing!
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Come hang with us...
Welcome to the s**... prevention hotline.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called a s**... hotline in saudi arabia
they got excited and asked me if i could fly a plane
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A s**... hotline in the United Arab Emirates
Caller: I'm feeling depressed
Hotline Operative: Great can you fly a plane?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nike should operate a s**... hotline
And tell every caller to just do it
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you suffer from an addiction to water?
Can you not live without your water?
Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?
Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?
* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry t**...?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker u**...?
* Craving more water?
* Hunger?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, please call the water addiction hotline, 1-5-STOP-WATER.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I went to Iraq for holidays...
And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...
Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.
So I called the s**... hotline...
They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man at his wit's end called the s**... Hotline for help. Unfortunately he was greeted by an automated voice message after waiting for several rings.
"Hello," spoke an artificial sounding voice on the other line "we regret to inform you that the s**... Hotline is no longer in service. If you do require assistance with your s**... please use the emergency number 911 and an officer will be out to assist you shortly."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Hillary Clinton day when she calls the s**... hotline?
Hello, I'd like to place an order
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Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, s**... is a temporary solution to a permanent problem
anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called the s**... prevention hotline
They told me to hang on
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Dark pickup lines
Are you s**...?
Because I think about you every day.
Are you the s**... hotline?
Because I need to get your number.
Are you a noose?
Because I'd love to hang with you.
Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.
Are you a death certificate?
Because I wish you were mine.
Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I'd like to stick my fingers inside you.
Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe the s**... hotline put my cousin on hold.
They left him hanging.
