Hotel Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

A family walks into a hotel... NSFW

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no 99.

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

She rang my room and said,
What the fuck are you doing
with your life?

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

Why do gay dudes always check out of their hotel on time?

Because they had their shit packed the night before. ..

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

A family walks into a hotel. The father walks up to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The desk clerk says, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby?

He didn't have a reservation.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

A family goes to a hotel...

The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled..."

The guy at the desk replies "It's just normal porn you sick fuck."

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.


Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop says "can I take your bags?"

"No," she answers, "I'm traveling light."

*(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*

a young man walking down the street gets approached by a hooker....

She asked him...

"Want to have a good time?"...

"Sure"... he says....

They head off to the nearest hotel...

She takes off her clothes...all the while he's staring at her.....
The hooker says...."is this the first time you've seen a pussy since you crawled out of one?"

"Nope..just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into!"

A soon-to-be bride asks her fiancΓ©

"Honey what exactly is a penis?"
"That baby, you'll see the night after our wedding."
Then comes their wedding night and the new husband and wife go to their hotel room. The husband takes his pants off and proudly shows his organ to his wife.
"That honey, is what we call a penis."
To what the wife answers, "Oh I know, it's like a dick but much smaller."

Plot Twist

A hotel receptionist gets a call*

Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.

Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.

Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.

A photon walks into a hotel.....

..... And is asked if he needs help with his luggage.

The photon replies, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

Jesus walks into a hotel...

He places 3 long nails on the counter and asks - can you put me up for the night?

A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

Guy: What's he doing with your wife?

Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.

So a photon checks into a hotel...

Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?"
Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"

On a recent business trip...

I was checking-in to my hotel and I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Girls pants are like a cheap hotel...

... no ballroom.

Bumping into People

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Physics Joke

A photon walks into a hotel and the bellman says "can I help you with your bags?" And the photon replies, "no it's ok, I'm traveling light."

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

A Priest walks in to a hotel to check in...

And he asks the clerk at the front desk, "Is the pornography disabled in my room?"
The clerk responds, "No, it's regular porn you sick fuck!"

Wifi password

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What's the WiFi password?"

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molson's Canadian on tap.

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $8.00.

Me: Okay, here you go. What's the WiFi password?

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.

A minister registers at a hotel and says, "I hope the porn in my room is disabled."

The clerk looks up and responds, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"

Checking into the hotel

I was checking into the hotel and I asked the woman behind the counter if the porn channel was disabled. She gave me a nasty look and said 'It's regular porn you sick pervert!'

A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...

The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"

The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bell hop asks "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies "No I'm traveling light."

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

A Hotel guest calls the front desk

and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.

You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.



The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."

A woman was standing in a crowded lift

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

So Jesus walks into a hotel...

he puts three nails on the counter and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"

Username walks into a hotel...

And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves.

I guess you could say,

Username checks out.

Hotel guest to desk clerk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

Desk clerk: "No, it's regular porn you sick fuck."

Photon

A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk man asks if he has any luggage. The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."

Jesus walks into a hotel...

He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

Hotel Indian.

Did you hear about the Indian who had to sleep in the hotel lobby because he didn't have a reservation?

These pants fit like a cheap hotel...

No ballroom.

The husband calls the hotel reception: "Hello, can you send someone over? I'm arguing with my wife..."

"...And she says she's going to throw herself out the window!"
Receptionist: "Sir...that...that is a personal matter"
Husband: "Yes, I get it... but the window does not open...and that's is a hotel maintenance problem...!"

A priest checks into a hotel

So he would not be tempted to sin, the priest goes to the front desk and says "Excuse me but, I was wondering if the porn on the tv could be disabled."
The lady looks back in disgust and screams "NO YOU SICK BASTARD WE ONLY HAVE NORMAL!"

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

A maintenance matter

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."

The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

I went to a hotel that had continental breakfast

Unfortunately the continent was Africa so all I got was an empty plate

Jesus walks into a hotel

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails onto the counter and says "hey buddy, can you put me up for the night?"

Frenchman in a hotel.

A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper".

"Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist.

"Toilet pepper."

I phoned my wife today and said...

"Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."

"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.

I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"

"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

Did you hear about the hotel that's only for guys with big dicks?

It's called the Halfway Inn.

What are the funniest hotel jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hotel? Well, here are the best Hotel puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hotel pick up lines to share with friends.

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