Hotel Jokes

Following is our collection of concierge puns and lobby one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Hotel jokes for adults, dirty suite jokes and clean hostel dad gags for kids.

The Best Hotel Puns

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk.

Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician


Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby?

He didn't have a reservation.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.


Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.


Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.


A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop says "can I take your bags?"

"No," she answers, "I'm traveling light."

*(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*

Plot Twist

A hotel receptionist gets a call*

Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.

Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.

Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.

Bigger in Texas

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!

Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!

The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!

A photon walks into a hotel.....

..... And is asked if he needs help with his luggage.

The photon replies, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

Jesus walks into a hotel...

He places 3 long nails on the counter and asks - can you put me up for the night?

A man is staying in a hotel.

He walks up to the front desk and says, Sorry ma'am, I forgot what room I'm in, can you help me?

The receptionist replies, No problem, sir. This is the lobby.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

Guy: What's he doing with your wife?

Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.


So a photon checks into a hotel...

Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?"
Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"

Girls pants are like a cheap hotel...

... no ballroom.

Physics Joke

A photon walks into a hotel and the bellman says "can I help you with your bags?" And the photon replies, "no it's ok, I'm traveling light."

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.

Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."

Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "

Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

Wifi password

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What's the WiFi password?"

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molson's Canadian on tap.

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $8.00.

Me: Okay, here you go. What's the WiFi password?

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.

A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...

The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"

The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bell hop asks "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies "No I'm traveling light."

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

A Hotel guest calls the front desk

and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.

You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.



The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."

Username walks into a hotel...

And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves.

I guess you could say,

Username checks out.

Photon

A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk man asks if he has any luggage. The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."

Jesus walks into a hotel...

He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

Hotel Indian.

Did you hear about the Indian who had to sleep in the hotel lobby because he didn't have a reservation?

These pants fit like a cheap hotel...

No ballroom.

The husband calls the hotel reception: "Hello, can you send someone over? I'm arguing with my wife..."

"...And she says she's going to throw herself out the window!"
Receptionist: "Sir...that...that is a personal matter"
Husband: "Yes, I get it... but the window does not open...and that's is a hotel maintenance problem...!"

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

A maintenance matter

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."

The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

I went to a hotel that had continental breakfast

Unfortunately the continent was Africa so all I got was an empty plate

Jesus walks into a hotel

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails onto the counter and says "hey buddy, can you put me up for the night?"

Frenchman in a hotel.

A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper".

"Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist.

"Toilet pepper."

I phoned my wife today and said...

"Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."

"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.

I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"

"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

Did you hear about the hotel that's only for guys with big dicks?

It's called the Halfway Inn.

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks, "May I help you with your luggage?"

The photon responds, "No thank you. I'm traveling light."

I caught the flu in Madrid.

While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.



"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"



The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:



"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

What do a man's thong and a cheap hotel have in common?

No Ballroom

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

A man enters an elevator of a fine hotel and says "Ballroom please"

To which the lady standing in front of him replies "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

Tight pants are like a cheap hotel...

No ball room

Daffy Duck was in a hotel room, he called room service and asks for a condom, receptionist says shall we put it on your bill? Daffy replied.

Are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.

Kanye West

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he'll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His neighbor stole it, what a Kanye Pest.

A photon walks into a hotel

The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?"

Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband funeral.

When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:

"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.

She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.

"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.

"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.

"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"

Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"

Pretty woman sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.

They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.

So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.

An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"

"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."

The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"

"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."

"And where was He born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a manger."

"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent him a room!"

An Englishman went on a business trip to Japan...

When he got there, he stayed in a nice hotel and decided to call a prostitution service. Not knowing a single word of Japanese, it was he struggled with the ordering process.

When the girl finally arrived, they stripped down and get down to business... They were having a blast and the girl kept screaming **"Machigatta ana, Machigatta ana..!!"** Deciding that it was a sign that the girl was pleasantly satisfied, he thought nothing of it and continued all night long.

The next morning, the Englishman went and have a round of golf with his Japanese business partner. His business partner swung first.... **BAM!** **Hole in one!**

"Nice shot my friend, machigatta ana..." said the Englishman

Looking puzzled, his business partner replied

"That shot was perfect... but what do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

There is an abundance of resort jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 61 funniest jokes and hotel puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bellhop witze you can hear about hotel.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes