Hot And Cold Jokes

A blonde sees a thermos in a store. She asks a clerk, "What is that and what's it for?" The clerk answers, "It's a thermos that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde says, "I'll take it." When she gets to work, her blonde boss asks, "What is that?" The blonde worker says, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot." "Whatcha got in it?" "A cup of coffee and a Popsicle."

Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"

Chris: this water isn't warm, or cold

Luke: what should we call it?
Chris: how about Chriswarm
Luke: I have a better idea

A woman is mowing the lawn on a hot summer afternoon...

Her husband sits on the patio, cheerfully drinking a cold beer. Their elderly neighbor looks upon the scene, outraged, and says to the husband "How disgraceful! You ought to be hung!"
"I am," he said, "that's why she's mowing the lawn."

Why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub?

So that the bride wouldn't get cold feet.

Women are like pizza...

They're better hot, but still good when they are cold.

What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe?

Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you

What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common?

The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to reheat the leftover turkey from last night's NYE dinner.

I told her I quit hot food, cold turkey

Three vampires walk into a vampire bar.

The first vampire orders a cup of hot blood. The second vampire orders a cup of cold blood. The third vampire orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks the third "Why don't you drink blood? You're a vampire, man." The third vampire takes a used t**... from his pocket and answers: "I like mine bagged."

My brother and I both like our women like our coffee...

He likes them hot and black. I like them cold and bitter.

Marriage is like a fire.

If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart.
And every once in a while you have to use your poker.

A blonde is at work and asks...

A blonde is at work and asks her friend what her new thermos is.
She replies "It is to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
The next day the blonde comes into work with a new thermos.
Her friend asks what is in it and she replies "Ice cream and soup".

Poor Grandma

I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.
I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"
She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'

What's the difference between hot blooded manslaughter and cold blooded premeditated m**...

A few degrees.

Is a lightsaber's blade hot or cold?

Neither. Its warm.
*picks up lightsaber
*warm warm warm*

I cold brewed my coffee for the first time this morning.

It didn't come out so hot...

Today I quit smoking cold turkey

Turns out hot turkey is much better for smoking.

My dog is in the kitchen making herself a hot dog

Sitting in front of the heater vent, its cold out.

Fire is hot

And ISIS cold

In Australia, there are only three types of weather:

Too hot, too cold, too wet or a combination.
^(alternate: Total Fire Ban, Totally Flooded and Totally not gonna look outside; mate.)

Popular scientific opinion about food is like sunshine

Cold today, super hot tomorrow, known to the state of California to cause cancer and/or birth defects the day after tomorrow.

Sometimes it gets so hot outside that I like to rub a cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon across myself to cool down...

I call it a Pabst Smear.

Two necrophiliacs talk during a hot summer day.

*Sweating*, it's way too hot outside!
Let's go in and crack open a cold one.

A blonde notices her coworker has a thermos.

She walks up to him and asks it what it is for. The coworker replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself, and proudly displays it the next day at work.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
"Soup and ice cream," the blonde replies.

Which is faster hot or cold?

Whats cold in Africa even during the hot summers?

.
.
.
.
**FOOD**

What's small, hot, and cold?

A little chili!

I have an unpredictable connection with my tap.

It's a hot and cold relationship.

Was Alexander Hamilton Cold or Hot when he died?

He was cold. Because Burrr.

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside
Ice cold on the inside

Why is hot friendlier than cold?

Because heat waves but cold snaps.

Hey son, it's hot outside! Why don't we play catch?

Don't worry, you won't catch a cold.

I think my thermos is broken

It says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold but I put in 3 cups of coffee and a popsicle and now they're both ruined

I was asked if I'd rather have my head chopped off or be burned on a stake.

I answered being burned at the stake, and when asked why, I said Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop .

A man wins the lottery

He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick . The woman all excited replied should I pack for cold or hot weather? To which the man said I don't care as long as you are out of my house by noon

An oldie but a goodie (from Coming to America)

A man is at a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. The waitress brings him the soup. A couple minutes later, he calls the waitress over.
"Ma'am, something is wrong, can you t**... soup?"
"What's wrong, is it too hot?"
"Just taste the soup."
"What? Is it too cold? Too salty?"
"Please just taste the soup"
"Fine! Alright, I'll taste it. Where's the spoon?"
"A ha!"

The breakdown of what to do in all seasons

Summer:too hot to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Winter:too cold to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Autumn:too much pollen outside so you stay in playing video games

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest."Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

A boyfriend is ending it up with his girlfriend on the phone......

Him: Babe, I'm breaking off with you. Your father threatened me yesterday.

Her: oh no! What did he say to you?
Him: he said "If you see my daughter ever again, I'll get a 12 inch iron rod and heat up half of it red hot and put the cold half up your a**..."
Her: why the cold half??
Him: so I won't be able to take it out!!

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Wow that's awesome," his boss asks, "What do you have in there?" The guy answers, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**

God wants to go on vacation

So he asks his angels for suggestions. Venus? asks one, god says no too hot. Another says Mars; no too cold. What about earth? Earth! No way, god says. 2000 years ago I hooked up with some girl there and they're still talking about it!

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

The hot farmer

A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in frustration." "Wait!" the bartender exclaims before reaching under the bar and grabbing a bottle of Windex and spraying the farmer down. "There. That should stop you from streaking."

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "
I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "
After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "

Let's go way back ...

A salesman really sold me on the their new product. I bought one immediately.
The next day at lunch the guys were admiring my new purchase. "What is it?", they asked.
"It's called a "thermos". The salesman told me that it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, so of course I bought it."
"Wow. What do you have in it?"
"Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

A blonde and a brunette are taking a break

The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what's up with the funny looking flask. "It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!" the blonde is enthused, and decides right away to get one herself.
The next day the blonde walks in the breakroom with a brand new thermos and shows it to the brunette. "Oh," the brunette remarks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two coffee and an ice cream!"

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos.

The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos!"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"
"It's a thermos"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"So whatcha got in it?"
"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

A man goes into a restaurant.

He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter, 'Waiter, come taste the soup.'
Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup?'
He says, 'Taste the soup.'
Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?'
The man says, 'Will you taste the soup?'
'What's wrong? Is the soup too cold?'
'Will you just taste the soup?'
'All right, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?'
'Ah-ha!'"

Real story from this morning

It's super hot where we live so my 8 year old daughter filled up a spray bottle with cold water to cool herself down. She walked up to me and asked if I wanted a spray. I said "sure."
She gave me a good couple of spritzes with the spray bottle and asked, "how was that?"
I responded, "You mist."
Her eye roll when she got it was soooooooo worth it.