Hot And Cold Jokes
98 hot and cold jokes and hilarious hot and cold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hot and cold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Hot And Cold Short Jokes
Short hot and cold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hot and cold humour may include short hot stuff jokes also.
- I always wondered how in Goldilocks, the same serving of porridge could be too hot, too cold and just right at the same time. Then I remembered Hot Pockets
- My sister keeps using up all the hot water in the shower But jokes on her, I'm using up all the cold water
- browsing craigslist Saw a post for a hot water heater for sale. I responded and asked if it worked on cold water as well.
- Cold turkey Alcoholic 1: Do you think I should quit cold turkey?
Alcoholic 2: You should! I quit cold turkey 10 years ago, from that time I only eat it hot or at least warm! - My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska. Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.
- Yesterday I Found A Very Hot Girl And I recommended her to drink some cold drinks or get a shower.
- What's the difference between depression and drinking hot cocoa on a cold winter night... One's an internal struggle while the other is an internal snuggle.
- My brother and I both like our women like our coffee... He likes them hot and black. I like them cold and bitter.
- Chris: this water isn't warm, or cold Luke: what should we call it?
Chris: how about Chriswarm
Luke: I have a better idea
- What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.
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Hot And Cold One Liners
Which hot and cold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hot and cold? I can suggest the ones about hot blooded and heating cooling.
- Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.
- What is hot and cold at the same time? A dead body.
- For being 75% hot... ...Hoth sure is pretty cold.
- How does a detective stay cool in hot summer? He works on a cold case.
- What happens when you add Cold hot sauce on Hot food? you Chili things up.
- PSA: If you have been a cold drink on a hot day… …you may be entitled to condensation
- What can be incredibly hot and also incredibly cold at the same time? My mom...
- Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat It could be really hot or stone cold.
- Today I quit smoking cold turkey Turns out hot turkey is much better for smoking.
- Was Alexander Hamilton Cold or Hot when he died? He was cold. Because Burrr.
- I have an unpredictable connection with my tap. It's a hot and cold relationship.
- I cold brewed my coffee for the first time this morning. It didn't come out so hot...
- Why is hot friendlier than cold? Because heat waves but cold snaps.
- If the sun is so hot... How come space is so cold? Start the sun is cold movement.
- What's small, hot, and cold? A little chili!
Cheerful Fun Hot And Cold Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about hot and cold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ice cold jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hot and cold pranks.
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful!
It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Nagging Wife
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over n**..., drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vacation
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the f**... of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.
Wayne Rooney walks into a shop
He sees a shiny silver thermos flask that he has never seen before, so he finds a shop assistant and asks him, "what is this used for?" the shop assistant replies, "it is used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". Wayne Rooney buys it and takes it to training the next day. Alex Ferguson sees Rooney carrying his thermos flask and asks, "what you got there Rooney". to which Rooney replies, "Oh this, it's brilliant; it's used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
"well what you got in it then?" Alex Ferguson replies, "Two cups of coffee and a chock ice"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...
...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)
...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.
...50% alcohol.
...all over my g**... while I'm trying to drive.
...I don't like coffee.
...imported from micronesia.
...free, fresh and in the breakroom.
...huge and cheap with room for cream.
...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.
...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)
...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.
Taste the soup
A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.
The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...
-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.
-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!
The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!
3 guys get stranded in the desert after the car runs out of gas...
With no one and nothing in sight, the three men decided to each get one thing to carry and start walking to the next town over.
The first guy gets a jug of water and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get thirsty he says"
The second guy opens the trunk and gets out a blanket and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get cold at night"
The third guy unhinges the car door and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get hot, we can just roll down the window"
-This is an old joke I remember from elemetary, had to fill in a few.
A young man starts a new job at a construction site
During his lunch break, he asks an older man what he's carrying in his lunch box.
"It's a thermos, it keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."
"Oh wow, I have to get me one of those!" Said the young man
The next day, the older man sees the younger man carrying a thermos.
"I see you got a thermos. What do you got in it?" He asks.
The young man replies, "Ice tea and hot bean soup!"
Why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub?
So that the bride wouldn't get cold feet.
A blond goes to Target
A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blonde replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
The greatest invention
One day the teacher asked her 2nd grade class what the greatest invention was. Several kids responded with answers like "The light bulb" and "The gas-powered engine".
When it was Little Cedric's turn to answer, he proudly declared "The THERMOS."
The amused teacher asked Little Cedric to explain.
Little Cedric said "The THERMOS is the greatest invention ever because it keeps hot liquids *hot* and it also keeps cold liquids *cold*."
The teacher asked why that qualifies as *the* greatest invention of *all time*.
Little Cedric bellowed "HOW DOES IT *KNOW!?*"
Hot and Cold
An old man goes into a shop one day to look around. He goes to the counter and sees an item up on shelf he's never seen before. He's asks the girl who's running the cash register, "What's that new item there on the shelf?"
"It's a thermos," she said. "It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold."
"I'll take one to try then!" The old man says.
The next day, the old man brings the thermos to work, and his buddy comes up to him and asks, "Whatcha got there?"
The old man responds, "It's a thermos."
"Well, what does it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold," the old man chimes back.
Finally, his friend asks, "So, what do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."
Thermos
A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. "Why, it's a thermos." The clerk replies. "What does it do?" The man asks. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The clerk replies. "By golly, that's amazing!" The man replies. So he buys the thermos.
The next day he's walking down the street when he sees his friends. "What's that?" They ask. "Why, it's a thermos." The man replies. "What does it do?" The friends ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The man replies. "By golly that's amazing!" The friends exclaim, "what do you have in it?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.
Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"
Bartender says "coming right up"
Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"
After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.
The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"
Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"
Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"
Vampire 3 takes a used t**... out of his coat pocket and responds
"I'm having tea"
Women are like pizza...
They're better hot, but still good when they are cold.
What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe?
Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you
I only like two kinds of pie
Hot and cold
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to reheat the leftover turkey from last night's NYE dinner.
I told her I quit hot food, cold turkey
Marriage is like a fire.
If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart.
And every once in a while you have to use your poker.
Poor Grandma
I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.
I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"
She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between hot blooded manslaughter and cold blooded premeditated m**...
A few degrees.
Is a lightsaber's blade hot or cold?
Neither. Its warm.
*picks up lightsaber
*warm warm warm*
You're so hot...
You could make hot water come out of a cold faucet
scorpin and subzero walk into a bar
the bar gets hot from scorpin and cold from subzero!!
My dog is in the kitchen making herself a hot dog
Sitting in front of the heater vent, its cold out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fire is hot
And ISIS cold
Winter in Poland is like my ex...
...it doesn't know whether to be cold or hot
In Australia, there are only three types of weather:
Too hot, too cold, too wet or a combination.
^(alternate: Total Fire Ban, Totally Flooded and Totally not gonna look outside; mate.)
Popular scientific opinion about food is like sunshine
Cold today, super hot tomorrow, known to the state of California to cause cancer and/or birth defects the day after tomorrow.
Sometimes it gets so hot outside that I like to rub a cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon across myself to cool down...
I call it a Pabst Smear.
My house is too hot at 71, and too cold at 69.
I can't even.
David Beckham is out shopping one day.. (Old)
He spots a tall, cylindrical silver thing. He asks a shop assistant what it is; "It's a Thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant.
So David buys it. On arriving home, Victoria asks what he's
got there. "It's a Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an cold fings cold."
"Great," replies Victoria, " you can take that to training with you, show the lads."
So David takes it along to the England Camp the next day.
The players ask him what he has there, "A Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an cold fings cold"
"Zo vot have you got in it David?" asks Sven.
"A cup of coffee an a choc ice" he replies.
What's cold but also hot?
A necrophiliacs first date.
A blonde saw a thermos at the department store
and asked the clerk what it was. The clerk said "Well, that's a thermos!" The blonde asked "What does it do?" The clerk replied "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!" so the blonde bought it.
The next day the blonde's boss, also blonde, walked by her office and saw the thermos on her desk. "What is that?" the boss asked. "Well, that's a thermos!" she replied. Her boss asked "What does it do??" The blonde said "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
"That's amazing!" said the boss. "What do you have in it?", to which the blonde replied "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"
The thermos. [Long]
A guy (MAN A) walks into a diner, sits down, and pulls a thermos from his backpack. Across the room, a man at the counter, (MAN B) noticed the man.
MAN B: "Hey you! What you got there?"
MAN A: "It's called a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold!"
MAN B: "Wow! I gotta get me one of those!!!"
The next day, the same to men, (A and B) walk into the same diner.
MAN B: "Hey look! I picked me up one of those thermos things!"
MAN A: "Great! What did you bring for lunch?"
MAN B: "2 hotdogs and a popsicle for dessert!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two necrophiliacs talk during a hot summer day.
*Sweating*, it's way too hot outside!
Let's go in and crack open a cold one.
A blonde notices her coworker has a thermos.
She walks up to him and asks it what it is for. The coworker replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself, and proudly displays it the next day at work.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
"Soup and ice cream," the blonde replies.
Which is faster hot or cold?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats cold in Africa even during the hot summers?
.
.
.
.
**FOOD**
I hope it's not too hot today
or too cold. I just want to wear a light jacket.
Walrus is driving down the street when suddenly.....
His car breaks down in the hot dessert. He calls a towing service and takes it to the nearest shop in some small town he's never been in.
Mechanic tells him it's going to be awhile. Walrus says, no problem. I'll just go across the street and treat myself to something cold at that restuarant to burn time.
About and hour later the walrus comes back and the mechanic tells him. Well, It looks like you blew a seal. Walrus quickly rubs his face and says. Oh... No that's just vanilla ice cream I just had.
A man went to see his doctor
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia".
A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos
A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos and becomes perplexed.
"What is that? "
"A thermos."
"What does it do?"
"It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."
"I don't understand."
"If I put coffee in here, the coffee stays hot. If I put ice cream in here, it stays cold."
The blonde is amazed and buys one for herself. The following day, one of her friends spots her with her brand new thermos.
"What is that? "
"A thermos."
"What does it do?"
"It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."
"So what did you put in it?"
"Coffee and ice cream."
My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito
Smoking hot on the outside
Ice cold on the inside
Hey son, it's hot outside! Why don't we play catch?
Don't worry, you won't catch a cold.
I think my thermos is broken
It says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold but I put in 3 cups of coffee and a popsicle and now they're both ruined
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was asked if I'd rather have my head chopped off or be burned on a stake.
I answered being burned at the stake, and when asked why, I said Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop .
The breakdown of what to do in all seasons
Summer:too hot to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Winter:too cold to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Autumn:too much pollen outside so you stay in playing video games
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest."Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boyfriend is ending it up with his girlfriend on the phone......
Him: Babe, I'm breaking off with you. Your father threatened me yesterday.
Her: oh no! What did he say to you?
Him: he said "If you see my daughter ever again, I'll get a 12 inch iron rod and heat up half of it red hot and put the cold half up your a**..."
Her: why the cold half??
Him: so I won't be able to take it out!!
A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...
"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Wow that's awesome," his boss asks, "What do you have in there?" The guy answers, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
The hot farmer
A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in frustration." "Wait!" the bartender exclaims before reaching under the bar and grabbing a bottle of Windex and spraying the farmer down. "There. That should stop you from streaking."
Let's go way back ...
A salesman really sold me on the their new product. I bought one immediately.
The next day at lunch the guys were admiring my new purchase. "What is it?", they asked.
"It's called a "thermos". The salesman told me that it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, so of course I bought it."
"Wow. What do you have in it?"
"Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."
A blonde and a brunette are taking a break
The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what's up with the funny looking flask. "It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!" the blonde is enthused, and decides right away to get one herself.
The next day the blonde walks in the breakroom with a brand new thermos and shows it to the brunette. "Oh," the brunette remarks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two coffee and an ice cream!"
A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos.
The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos!"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"
"It's a thermos"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"So whatcha got in it?"
"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."
Real story from this morning
It's super hot where we live so my 8 year old daughter filled up a spray bottle with cold water to cool herself down. She walked up to me and asked if I wanted a spray. I said "sure."
She gave me a good couple of spritzes with the spray bottle and asked, "how was that?"
I responded, "You mist."
Her eye roll when she got it was soooooooo worth it.
