hostess Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hostess puns

What are the options?

Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"

Passenger: "What are the options?"

Air Hostess: "Yes and No."

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A man is jacking off on a plane

There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed.
"Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!"
"No way woman! I'm right about to ejaculate on this plane and you can't stop me!"
Distressed, the hostess walks into the Captain's cabin and says,
"Sir! We have a high jacker, and he's about to shoot!"

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I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?"

I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"

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So a kid gets on a plane for the first time

and he is really excited about it. He is sitting inside the plane mid-flight when he finds out the plane's a Boeing. So he starts saying "Boeing.. Boeing.. Boeing.."

After a while when he doesn't stop the passengers start getting irritated, and the hostess comes along and tells the boy "Be Silent". So the boy starts "Oeing.. Oeing.. Oeing.. "

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A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.

She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."

"And what if I miss?"

"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"

He looks up again.

"No, the steaks are too high."

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"Yes, I have reservations, but I'll eat here anyway."

- my dad to every hostess ever

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Air Hostess : Can i offer you free head phones?

Guy : Definitely but how do you know my name is Phones???

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A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry, we still have 80 dinners available".

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A pilot forgets his mic open

And goes: "Oh man, I'm gonna take a huge shit and bang that hostess."

Everybody hears it. The hostess runs to the cockpit to warn the pilot about the mic, chucks down. A passenger says: "Don't rush sweetie, he's gonna take a huge shit first."

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10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.

To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

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American Businessman's First Visit to Japan

A successful American businessman heads to Japan to meet with a big supplier. Naturally, the Japanese are going to set him up with a good time and loads of entertainment. The first night, they go to Karaoke and a gorgeous young Karaoke hostess is sent back to the man's hotel room to entertain him further.

Despite her willingness, she still wants everything done with the lights off. As he is going at it, she is crying out "Oshimigaso, Oshimigaso", over and over.

When it is all said and done, he asks her, "What does Oshimigaso mean?"

"Oh," she says blushing, "it means 'fantastic' or 'incredible'."

The next morning, the businessman joins his Japanese hosts for a round of golf. Naturally.

On the fifth hole, the CEO of the Japanese company hits a hole-in-one.

Aiming to impress, the American cries out, "Oshimigaso, OSHIMIGASO!!".

The Japanese CEO replies, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

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A rich society hostess gives a dinner for a number of businessmen.

Unfortunately she suffers from flatulence. The first time she 'toots' one of the gentlemen gets up and says pardon me ma'am and leaves the room. The next time she 'toots' another gentleman does the same. An American turns to his British colleague and says 'What gives - she keeps farting and guys leave the room'. His colleague says 'this is British politeness - the gentlemen are taking the blame for the lady'. The next time she 'toots' the American stands up and says 'have this one on me, ma'am' and leaves the room.

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The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...

flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.

She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.

The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."

The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:

"...underwater".

--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest

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A woman is having a party and tells all the guests to dress as a feeling.

The first person shows up all dressed in green with his face painted green. The hostess says, "I see you are green with envy. Come on in."

The second guest is a woman who is dressed in blue with a blue wig. The hostess says, "I see you're blue - you're sad. Come in!"

Later, the hostess answers the door to a completely naked man with a bowl of custard strapped to his waist and his penis is inserted into the custard. The hostess says, "My god! I think you misunderstood me. You were supposed to dress as a feeling."

The man says, "I am dressed as a feeling. I'm fucking disgusted."

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I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said...

Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?

I said, What are the options?

She said, Yes and No.

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United Air hostess: Is there a doctor on-board ??

Passengers : There was.

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I went to a dinner and when I came back my friend asked me how it was.

"It would have been great if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, the fish as fresh as the maid, and the maid as willing as the Hostess!

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I wish restaurant food

looked like the pictures on the menu.
A hostess asked me how everything was.
I said, "My compliments to the photographer."

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The excited blonde .

A blonde went to Brisbane for first time.. She was very excited and as soon as the plane landed in brisbane, she began shouting ''Brisbane Brisbane''

The air hostess being annoyed said '' Please mam , Be silent''

The blonde then shouted ''Risane Risane''

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The hostess said my name wasn't on the list

but I had my reservations

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Air Hostess with a tag.

Air Hostess had name tag on her chest, naming her Mia.

Guy: Beautiful name.

Air hostess: Thanks.

Guy: Didn't you name the other one?

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Mr. Smith found a doppelganger of his wife.

Mr smith to Air hostess - you look exactly like my wife.

*Air hostess feeling a bit agitated by that remark slapped him.

Mr. Smith - what sheer coincidence, even the habits match too.

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The air hostess has just told me if I don't put my phone away, she's going to slam my head into it.

But I'm pretty sure she's just jokiNjdk$48('$76)?;;

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The owner of hostess just brought the playboy mansion

Guess he really liked ho-hos and ding dongs

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A Native American walks into a busy restaurant.

The hostess asks, "Do you have a reservation?"

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Jesus and his apostles go to a restaurant...

"Table for 26, please," Jesus tells the hostess.

"But there are only 13 of you."

"Yeah, but we're all going to sit on one side of the table."

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Political bar joke

A liberal, conservative, and moderate walks into a bar.

The hostess says "Hi, Mitt!"

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A proctologist walks into a bar

Hostess: Would you like to take a stool or grab a seat?

Doctor: Hell no, just a beer, I do that all day.

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People always ask why my foreign confectionary looks 2 mini Hostess treats...

No one expects my Spanish Twinkie fission.

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Man to very beautiful airhostess:-

"What's your name?"

Air hostess:- "Eva Benz.."

Man :- "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

Air hostess:- (smiling) "maintenance cost is same" :D

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We're waiting for a table at a restaurant...

The hostess call out, "Donner family of 8, your table is ready." She looks back at the book. "Correction, Donner party of 7"

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What do you call a pregnant air hostess

Pilot error

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Jesus walks into a tavern...

And asks for a table for 26. The hostess says but there are only 13 of you . Jesus replies yeah, but we're all gonna sit on the same side

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What hostess gift should you bring to a brothel?

Hohos.

What hostess gift should you bring to a gay brothel?

Twinkies.

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A man walks into a bar with a politician, a liar, and a con-artist.

Approaching the hostess, the man then announced "Table for two!"

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What are the best Hostess jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hostess? Well, here are the best Hostess dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hostess pick up lines to share with friends.

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