The Best 31 Hostage Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Hostage jokes. There are some hostage captivity jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hostage iceis puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Hostage Jokes and Puns

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.

Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.

Policeman: About a gallon.

They say being a hostage is hard

But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

Hostage joke, I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save

Worst way to hold a baby?


A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

Guy robs a bank...

While holding all of the customers hostage, he asks one guy, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer says that he did and the robber shoots him in the head.

He then asks another customer, "did you see me rob this bank?" and the guy says, "no, but my wife did."

ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Hostage joke, ISIS takes Congress hostage

A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.

The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.

The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.

The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"

Then the woman replied..

"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"

Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!

Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...

My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.

"I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you."

And that was how I lost my job as a hostage negotiator on the first day.

Donald Trump is being held hostage...

Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"

Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"

Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.

You can explore hostage robberies reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hostage ransom dad jokes. There are also hostage puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Yesterday I was held hostage by a mime.

He performed unspeakable acts on me.

Movie idea

There should be a hostage movie where instead of holding up a bank or skyscraper, the bad guy is a coworker who keeps asking questions at the end of a meeting.

What does the bowling ball who was taken hostage say?

Please spare me

The artist named Feat has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breaking the law somehow, and must face his crimes. #DeathToFeat

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide...

is it a hostage situation?

Hostage joke, If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide...

Did you hear about the hostage standoff with the campers?

It was in tents.

Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory?

They used a cumin shield.

I was held hostage at a barber shop once.

It was a hairy situation.

On a high traffic road...

"Excuse me sir, could I have a moment"

Guy, driving a car "Yes, how can I help you?"

"There's a terrorist attack recently, and they have held hostage many of our country's leaders. They demand 1 billion by the end of today or they will shower our leaders with gasoline and burn them"

"oh, ok then. How much do other people usually gave you?"

"1 litre"

A terrorist group has taken Donald Trump hostage.

They are threatening to release him if their demands are not met.

Why did Theon Greyjoy become Reek as Ramsay Bolton's hostage?

He was suffering from Starkhome syndrome

Why aren't Superheroes ever married in movies?

Because if the hostage in the final battle scene is their wife, they're probably not going to save her.

What did the cherry picker say to his hostage?

Never gonna giiiive you up.
Never gonna let you dooown.

What do you call an expert hostage negotiator?

A master debater.

Hostage Escape

A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.

When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"

I took a hostage.

It is an ongoing situation.

There was a hostage situation earlier today

Until help arrived, I and some work colleagues had been held for three hours at power point.

How do you rile up an electrician but calm down a hostage?

Blow a fuse.

I was taken hostage the other day. My captors taped me up.

I got away scotch free!

Two english men

Two english men discover a forbidden island and come across a tribe of big masculine men.

The tribe takes the english men hostage and offer them one of two options; death or bullar.

The english men ask "what is bullar?"

The leader of the tribe states "each of us get to take turns raping you. So what'll it be?"

The first english man goes "well i dont want to die, so i guess i choose bullar" and each member of the tribe has a go at him.

The second english man says "well that looked terrible so i guess i choose death"

The tribes people yell "okay, death by bullar"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hostage hold jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working hostage held piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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