Hostage Jokes
45 hostage jokes and hilarious hostage puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hostage that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will explore the surprisingly dark humor of hostage negotiators. Through a look at funny anecdotes, stories and even jokes, this article will discuss what makes hostage negotiator humor unique and why they can find comedy in tough situations involving pistol toting robbers. Discover the lighthearted side of this serious job.
Funniest Hostage Short Jokes
Short hostage jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hostage humour may include short prisoner jokes also.
- Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.
- "I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you." And that was how I lost my job as a hostage negotiator on the first day.
- Movie idea There should be a hostage movie where instead of holding up a bank or skyscraper, the bad guy is a coworker who keeps asking questions at the end of a meeting.
- What did the comedian turned kidnapper say to his hostages? It's nice to have a captive audience.
- I can't believe this society Everyone always asks me "Where are the hostages?", never, "How are the hostages?"
- What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists? Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...
- Why did Theon Greyjoy become Reek as Ramsay Bolton's hostage? He was suffering from Starkhome syndrome
- Why aren't Superheroes ever married in movies? Because if the hostage in the final battle scene is their wife, they're probably not going to save her.
- What did the cherry picker say to his hostage? Never gonna giiiive you up.
Never gonna let you dooown. - Was reading about that shooting at a bowling alley today. Luckily some of the hostages managed to escape... They waited until 7/10, then they split...
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Hostage One Liners
Which hostage one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hostage? I can suggest the ones about captive and kidnapper.
- They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
- Worst way to hold a baby? Hostage.
- Yesterday I was held hostage by a mime. He performed unspeakable acts on me.
- What does the bowling ball who was taken hostage say? Please spare me
- why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down? cause it's a fell-on-knee
- Did you hear about the hostage standoff with the campers? It was in tents.
- Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory? They used a cumin shield.
- I was held hostage at a barber shop once. It was a hairy situation.
- What was the last thing that went through the hostages head? A bullet.
- What do you call an expert hostage negotiator? A master debater.
- I scream, you scream- Fine, I'll put down the flare gun and let the hostages go.
- I took a hostage. It is an ongoing situation.
- How do you rile up an electrician but calm down a hostage? Blow a fuse.
- I was taken hostage the other day. My captors taped me up. I got away scotch free!
- Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
Hostage Negotiator Jokes
Here is a list of funny hostage negotiator jokes and even better hostage negotiator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- ISIS has a new site to discuss cheap hostage negotiations.. They call it "Infa-Deals"
Humorous Hostage Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about hostage you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean inmate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hostage pranks.
Putin is held hostage by a t**....
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.
He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."
Guy robs a bank...
While holding all of the customers hostage, he asks o**..., "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer says that he did and the robber shoots him in the head.
He then asks another customer, "did you see me rob this bank?" and the guy says, "no, but my wife did."
ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
A prisoner escaped..
And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for s**.... I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"
Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!
Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...
My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
The artist named Feat has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.
Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breaking the law somehow, and must face his crimes. #DeathToFeat
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit s**......
is it a hostage situation?
On a high traffic road...
"Excuse me sir, could I have a moment"
Guy, driving a car "Yes, how can I help you?"
"There's a t**... attack recently, and they have held hostage many of our country's leaders. They demand 1 billion by the end of today or they will shower our leaders with gasoline and burn them"
"oh, ok then. How much do other people usually gave you?"
"1 litre"
A t**... group has taken Donald Trump hostage.
They are threatening to release him if their demands are not met.
Hostage Escape
A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.
When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"
There was a hostage situation earlier today
Until help arrived, I and some work colleagues had been held for three hours at power point.
