Charming Humor Host Jokes with Loads of Fun
Scientists and spiders.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
An American, an Australian and an Irishman are all on a quiz show...
The host asks; "Old MacDonald had a what, and then spell it for me."
The American says; "Old MacDonald had a ranch, R-A-N-C-H," he was incorrect.
The Australian buzzes in and answers; "Old MacDonald had a property, P-R-O-P-E-R-T-Y," he was incorrect.
The Irishman thinks for a a little and finally answers, "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O,"
Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees?
In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology.
Who hosts the Late Night Show in North Korea?
Jimmy Kim-il
A man heard a talk show was looking for people with unusual talents
When he showed up to audition for the segment the talk show host asked him what talent he was going to perform. The man explained "I imitate birds." The talk show host laughed, waving him away saying "thousands of people can imitate birds. We want something nobody has ever seen before." The man shrugged, flapped his arms, and flew away.
I tried hosting a b**... party last night...
It was awful, nobody came.
What did the host of an o**... say to his guests?
I'm glad you all came!
I hosted my very first o**... last night and it was a total disaster
Nobody came.
Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.
It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.
Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.
Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."
Halloween Joke
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!
You're a snail?
Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.
You can explore host emcee reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean host emotion dad jokes. There are also host puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My friend told me this joke about a party host who made his guests line up for juice...
I can't seem to remember the entire joke, but all I know is that there was a long punch line.
Congratulations to Ukraine to winning the Eurovision Song Contest.
Can't wait for Russia to host it next year.
A r**... walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin
He walks up to the host and says table for two please
How do you host an amnesia support group on a budget?
The moment they show up, tell them the meeting went great and their speech was inspiring.
Costume party
A man is having a costume party and notices a guy wearing nothing but red pants. The host marches up to the guy and says "Hey, this is a costume party. I can't let you stay without a costume on." The guy replies "But I am wearing a costume. I am a p**... ejaculator" The host is confused and asks "Then where is your costume?" The guy replies "Well... I just came in my pants."
Why can't a fish be a radio host?
Because if he goes on air, he'll die.
They say being a hostage is hard
But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea?
Thanks, it's my special tea.
Jesus walks into a restaurant with his Apostles...
and says to the host, "Table for 26 please". The host, confused said, "but Jesus, it's just you and your 12 Apostles, that only makes 13". To this Jesus replied, "Yeah, but we're only going to sit on one side of the table."
I am hosting a charity event for people who fail to reach c**... during s**...
If you can't come, let me know
Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm
The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"
The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"
A dangerous parasite walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
The parasite replies, "Well, you're not a very good **host**."
A guy goes to a halloween party with a g**... his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"
I hosted an o**... for the socially anxious.
Nobody came.
A n**... lady enters the costume party behind the turtle
She has nothing but a monkey covering her p**... area.
The host takes one puzzled look.
"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"
"I'm an Italian boy!"
"What's with the monkey?"
"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"
Went to a costume party last night
The host asked what I was supposed to be, so I told him I dressed up as a harp. "But your costume is too small to be a harp," he said.
"Are you calling me a lyre?"
I hosted a sad o**... the other night...
Nobody came.
So I was arrested for showing my e**... to an NPR host...
I don't get it. She SAID she wanted to see more sustaining members.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp
The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
A husband calls a men's help line.
Host: "Hello caller, how can I help you."
Hus: "I think my wife is cheating on me, so last night I hid behind my boat and waited for her to come home. Soon a strange car pulled up. As she got out of the passenger side she was buttoning her blouse."
Host: "I see... so what's your question?"
Hus: "When I was behind the boat, I noticed a crack in the outboard bracket...can that be welded?"
God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a Pirate, the host said where are your buccaneers? I replied.
Under my buckinghat.
I hosted an Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting
Nobody came
North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...
Between the United States and Canada.
Guy calls in on radio show
**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan
I went to a costume party
Host: What are you supposed to be?
Me: I'm a harp!
Host: No Way! Your costume is way to small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling my a lyre????
I hosted the worst possible o**....
Nobody came.
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?
All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.
A guy arrives at a music-themed costume party and the host asks him what he is supposed to be. The guy happily shouts 'A harp'. The host pauses and then says 'I think that costume seems a little small to be a harp'.
The guy replies 'Are you calling me a lyre?'.
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
Theresa May to host new game show!
Neither Deal Nor No Deal
A man walks into a 5-star restaurant...
A man walks into a fancy 5-star restaurant.
The host says to him: " Good evening sir. Do you have a reservation?"
The man replies : "Yes, actually."
The host asks: "Name?"
And the man replies: " Nah, the name is ok. It's just the atmosphere."
Still my funniest joke
A man is hosting a radio program and he wants to call a random person to ask for their favourite song in order to play it on the radio. So the random guy says " well I just want to say that I found a person's wallet on the street" and the host tells him " well do you want to share the owner's name so we can return the wallet?" And the random guy responds " no I just want to dedicate him a song" (sorry for my English I'm Spanish) :)
A man was late to a cannibal party
the host gave him a cold shoulder.
Why didn't Stephen hawking host a talk show?
because he can't do stand-up comedy
I was invited to a dinner the other night.
The host warned me ahead of time, "Just so you know, we only serve vegetarian dishes. I hope you're alright with that."
I told him, "Of course! I have no problem with vegetarian dishes. In fact, I prefer them. But for the sake of conscience I do prefer it if the vegetarians were free range and locally sourced."
My son's team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
Final question on who wants to be a millionaire.
Host: When your wife goes to sleep, what does she wear?
1. Under garments.
2. Pyjama suit.
3. She sleeps n**....
4. Something s**....
Contestant: I would like to phone a friend.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires
So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.
The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
Two tapeworms are chilling wherever it is tapeworms chill at.
One of them says, "So I found this host the other day. Man, you should have seen him! Fat as a blimp, ate more food in one day than most people eat in a week. He was roomy and comfy and spent most of his time sitting or laying down, so I didn't even NOTICE the outside world!"
The other says, "Hot d**...! Sounds like a paradise! Then why did you leave? Did he die or something?"
"Nope," answers the first. "But he reaaaaaaally loved Mexican food."
I hosted a huge event for gingers last week
Sadly not a single soul showed up.
Boy with Phenomenal Memory
A host enters the circus and announces:
"Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena."
A boy enters the stage, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.
The audience begins to scream and express their displeasure.
Then again the host comes out and says: "And now a boy with a phenomenal memory will p**... on everyone who sits in the second row."
Everyone sitting in the second row jump up and start to run away.
Host: "Hiding is useless! The boy has a PHENOMENAL MEMORY!"
What's the name of the Cuban cooking show host?
Fidel Gastro
My American Clock
A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal p**... next to one of the walls.
What is that for? he asks.
His host says That is my talking American clock.
Really?...How does it work?
I will show you.
The host takes the metal p**..., places it next to the wall and bangs on it with the hammer till the next door neighbor yells: It's three o'clock in the morning you idiot!
A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.
The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"
Before I got my life in order I used to host i**... parties and DJ at Stonehenge
But I no longer mix in those circles
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German log on to a zoom call
The host wants to check if his video is working, so he says: Can you all see me?
The Englishman says Yes . The Frenchman says Oui . The Spaniard says Si . The German says Ja .
Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show...
Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.
So I went to this Vietnamese Resturaunt
...when I saw some patrons stomp out angrily muttering about someone being rude. It smelled so good I was undeterred. There was a soup station where they put it all together in front of you. I asked the host how.it worked and he pointed and said "pho queue over there"
Heard at a wake
"Here's a toast to the host, who is , at most, a ghost ".
Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.
He finally arrived apologizing profusely.
Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."
Host: "It's about time."
Einstein: "And space!"
After my son's team won the championship, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.
It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie Host.
i hosted a party for snails that don't have shells
it was a slugfest
Svengoolie
Q: How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A: >!A tractor!<
Q: What's the difference between Sven (the host) and a savings bond?
A.1: >!One's appreciated.!<
A.2: >!A savings bond matures.!<
Q: What part of the hospital is off-limits to The Invisible Man?
A: >!The ICU.!<
A man was proudly showing his new apartment to some friends, he had invited over last night.
They go to the bedroom and there is a big brass gong in the corner.
One of the guests asks, "What is that gong for?"
The host replies, "That is the talking clock."
Impressed, the guest asks again, "How does it work?"
The host says, "Watch", and hits the gong hard with a hammer.
From the other side of the wall, someone screams, "For gods sake, you idiot, it's 2 am in the morning."
I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.
I said, "My legs."
Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.
The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.
The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."
Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor where it shatters and spills the ashes everywhere. "Oh no! OH NO!! I'm SO sorry!" they exclaim.
"Don't worry about it. We'll just clean it up, my Dad can tap his cigarettes into a mug until he buys another jar from Walmart."
My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
I got to a party and the host said, Make yourself at home , so I got comfortable.
Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
Jerry Springer passed away.
The cause of death was a rare parasite…
…..Jerry was the perfect host.
