Hospital Waiting Room Jokes
45 hospital waiting room jokes and hilarious hospital waiting room puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hospital waiting room that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hospital Waiting Room Short Jokes
Short hospital waiting room jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hospital waiting room humour may include short waiting room jokes also.
- What do you call a midget in a hospital waiting room constantly complaining about how long he's been waiting? Imp-Patient!
- Heard in a hospital waiting room. I only read the paper to look at the obituaries. If I am not there. I read the divorces and check for my name. I can then start my day.
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Hospital Waiting Room One Liners
Which hospital waiting room one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hospital waiting room? I can suggest the ones about hospital patient and comfort room.
- Waiting in hospital's waiting room makes You patient.
- Notice in a hospital waiting room. "Thanks for being Patient.'
Hospital Waiting Room Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hospital waiting room you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hospital bed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hospital waiting room pranks.
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and b**... his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and b**... his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and b**... his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
A man's wife is in a coma in the hospital
The man, exhausted, sleeps in the waiting room as the nurse gives his wife a towel bath. As the nurse does this, she notices a slight movement from the comatose woman as she runs the washcloth over the woman's private parts.
The nurse gently wakes the man up, and as he rubs sleep from his eyes, she tells him, "I noticed something when bathing your wife, and it makes me think she might respond to o**... s**...."
The man thinks a moment, then says, "OK, I'll give it a try." He goes into the room while the nurse watches the woman's vital signs from the monitor at the nurse's station.
Suddenly, the heart monitor goes flat with a loud "BEEEEP". The nurse charges off and almost crashes into the man as he exits the door of the woman's room. "What happened!?" she shouts.
"She choked."
Bad News
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces, The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The Doctor quickly responded, $5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more?
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used.
Missing some parts (not for the easily offended)
A couple are in a hospital waiting to see their newly born child for the first time, when the doctor comes in and says; "I'm afraid I've got some bad news." The couple look shocked. "Your baby seems to be missing some parts; follow me." The couple follow the doctor down the hall into a room of newly born babies. First, they approach a baby with no arms. The wife screams, "Oh God! Is this my baby?" The doctor says, "no, keep following". Next the couple approach a baby with no arms or legs. The husband asks, "Please doc, is this our baby?". Again, the doctor says, "no. Follow me" Next they get to a baby that is just a head. The wife, almost hysterical now, proclaims, "I can't take this; how am I supposed to look after a head?" The doctor, beginning to anger, says, "Please Mrs Smith. This baby is not yours; I'll tell you when it is your child." Finally the doctor reaches the last baby. He announces, "This, is your child." The baby is just an eye. The couple immediately break down crying. The doctor then says, "And I'm afraid I've got some more bad news;
he's blind."
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man...
are waiting in a hospital for each of their respective wives to give birth. Obviously they are quite nervous, pacing up and down etc when a rather red faced doctor comes out. he turns to the three men and says "I'm afraid we an issue, there's been a bit of a mix up with your newborns and we aren't sure whose is whose."
As this is a joke, instead of calling their lawyers immediately the three men decide between themselves that they will go into the room with the babies one by one to see if they feel any connection with any of them to get an idea as to which baby is which. The Englishman goes in first, as is his right, and is in there for quite a while. After 15 minutes he comes out with a child who is for various reasons, clearly the Pakistani's child. The Pakistani turns to him and says "I'm not being funny but I'm pretty sure that baby is mine."
The Englishman turns to him, looks him in the eye and replies "I know mate, but one of the others is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances"
The old Priest
In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near.
Yes, Father?" said the Nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse.
The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the Priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.
Reid agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?"
The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Reid.
The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."
An Englishman, an Indian and an American...
...are in the hospital waiting room together, all three of their wives about to give birth (for free, viva la NHS). When the doctor comes out and says "I'm terribly sorry, but we've had a mix up and we don't know which baby is which.".
As this is a joke, rather than immediately contacting their lawyers, they agreed amongst themselves that they'd go and see if they could tell, if they felt a special connection to one, for example.
The Englishman entered the room first, as is his right, and was in there for 15 minutes, before emerging with what was, for various reasons, clearly the Indian man's son. The Indian pointed this out immediately and the Englishman replied "I know, but one of the others is American and I'm not taking the risk".
*Feel free to insert other nationalities as fits your own nation's whipping boy*.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.
A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"
The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!"
And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."
A man is in a hospital, holding vigil at his wife's bedside...
...she has been in a coma for 3 weeks, the result of a terrible car accident. He is staring lovingly at her, lost in fleeting glimpses of the past, when a nurse enters the room carrying a pan of water, a sponge tucked under her arm. The man nods, kisses his wife on the forehead, and leaves the room. Several minutes have passed. He is alone in the hallway when the door opens and the nurse approaches him excitedly. Embarrassed now, she tells the man that when she tended to his wife's private parts during the sponge bath, his wife had moaned. She whispers that perhaps o**... s**... can bring her out of her coma! Puzzled, but willing to try anything, the man agrees and enters his wife's room while the nurse now waits in the hall. Minutes later, an alarm sounds from the equipment monitoring his wife. The nurse rushes into the room and sees the man at the head of his wife's bed, zipping up his pants. "I think she choked.'", he exclaims.
A black man, an italian and a Jew are at a hospital.
They are all waiting for their wives in the delivery room.
The doctor comes out and tells them that they accidentally got the 3 babies mixed up and that the three men will have to go in and decide which one is theirs.
The Italian man immediately says "I'll go in first," and rushes into the delivery room. He comes out with a black baby.
The black man stands up and says "Now I KNOW that's my baby." The Italian man responds "There's a chance that either of those other babies could be Jewish and I'm not taking that chance."
The three fathers
A jew, a turkish and a german guy are all waiting in the hospital, while their wifes are giving birth to their sons.
Through a mistake in the hospital, the three babies get confused and none of them knows which one is his.
The german guy says: "No problem dudes, I got this" and walks into the room with the babies.
Three minutes later, every father is holding his son in hands. The other two ask: "How did you do that!?"
"Easy", said the german, "I came in and yelled 'Heil h**...!'. My son raised his arm, the jew s**... himself and the turk cleaned it up."
Cricket Joke
I remember this joke from years ago, It might not be totally accurate but I tried my best to repeat it:
A man is sitting in the waiting room of the hospital while his wife is giving birth. After a while, the doctor comes out and says "You have a beautiful baby boy, but we think there may be another one on the way". So the man sits back down and continues waiting. Some time later, the doctor comes out again and says "It's a girl, but there looks like there's another one in there", so the man gets another coffee and continues waiting.
This repeats three times over, and the man eventually goes down the street to the bar. Between drinks, he calls the hospital where they confirm more and more babies.
At one point, people in the bar hear a scream of horror before the man collapses on the floor. Another patron grabs the man's phone to hear the cricket commentator saying:
"And the final score is 99 all out. And the last one was a duck"
A carrot and a celery are walking down the street.
A car comes by and runs over the celery. The carrot picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. After waiting a long time the doctor comes out of the emergency room and the carrot jumps up and asks "Is he going to be okay?"
The doctor replies "Well... he's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Two carrots are out for a drive in the country
And they're having the time of their lives. They're going fast around the curves and letting the wind in their stalks, just loving it. All of a sudden, they get in a pretty horrific c**... and are then rushed to the hospital. One of the carrots is ok, just minor cuts and scrapes, but the other is in pretty bad shape and is rushed into the OR.
After hours of operating, the doctor comes out to the other carrot in the waiting room and says, "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
At the hospital
I went to the hospital today for a Gastroscopy test.
In the waiting room the doctor came through and explained the situation to the four of us sat waiting there.
He explained that I was having the Gastroscopy, which is the camera down the t**....
Whilst the other three were there for a Colonoscopy, which is the camera up the a**.... The doctor asked if we had any questions.
I said: "Yes. Can I go first?"
Three guys are in a hospital waiting room
Each of them has a wife in labor and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their bundle of joy. The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations...your wife has given birth to twins!" The man says, "Wow, that is such a blessing. Twins! Imagine that! You know what's funny, though? I work for the Minnesota Twins, so that's kind of a coincidence!"
Five minutes later the nurse returns and says to the second guy, "Congratulations! Your wife was carrying triplets, and they are all healthy...two boys and a girl!" The man is thrilled. "Triplets! Imagine that! Wow, two boys and a girl! You know what's funny, though; I work for 3M, so that's kind of a coincidence!"
The third man then suddenly reaches for his coat and starts to head for the exit. Confused, the nurse says, "Wait a minute! Your wife is in labor...don't you want to stay and be with her??" The guy replies, "No way. Forget it. I'm outta here. I'm a truck driver for 7up!"
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
One day, two carrots were walking down the street...
They were the best of friends.
Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.
The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.
He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hospital.
After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out.
He slowly walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that for the rest of his life, he's going to be a vegetable."
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
A man is at the hospital..
....waiting for his son to be born. The doctor calls the man in. He enters the room and the doctor is holding the baby, doctor says "Sir, this is gonna seem odd but your baby can fly."
Before the man can say anything the Doctor drops the baby, and hits the floor, the mans jaw drops.
Doctor says "he was doing it a minute ago, let's try again" and throws the baby at the wall, again hitting it.
Man now in tears begs him to stop, doc says "one more try" and throws the baby out the window.
The man is now crying hysterically and yelling, doctor laughs and says "Relax, kid was dead when you walked in".
Four men in a hospital
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" A nurse then yells to the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse goes up to the third man saying, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man begins groaning and b**... his head on the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"
Four men are in the hospital waiting room!
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, Congratulations! You're the father of twins.
That's odd, answers the man. I work for the Minnesota Twins!
A nurse says to the second guy, Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!
That's weird, answers the second man. I work for the 3M company!
A nurse tells the third man, Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!
That's strange, he answers. I work for the Four Seasons hotel!
The last man is groaning and b**... his head against the wall. What's wrong? the others ask.
I work for 7 Up!
A son went into the hospital to visit his dad.
When he arrived at his dad's room, his dad was sleeping. As he sat waiting he noticed there was a bowl of peanuts next to his dad's bed. He had a few peanuts, then a few more. Before he knew it, he had eaten all the peanuts. When his dad woke up, he told him he had eaten all his peanuts, he would have to get him more. His dad looked at the empty bowl and told his son not to worry about it, that he really did not care for the peanuts, it was the chocolate he s**... off of them that he liked better.
A father is waiting for his newborn child outside a hospital
A doctor comes out holding the child by the leg, and walks over to the man. The father asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?". But the doctor smashes the baby on the concrete wall, and the father faints. The father wakes up on a hospital bed in a room, and the doctor is staring at him with a grin. The doctor says: "Alright alright i was joking, the baby was dead before it was even born".
A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital
Man: What happened and why am I here?
Nurse: hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.
Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?
Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room
Man: That is great news. So where am I?
Nurse: Nagasaki
Four Man
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, Congratulations! You're the father of twins. That's odd, answers the man. I work for the Minnesota Twins! A nurse then yells the second man, Congratulations! You're the father of triplets! That's weird, answers the second man. I work for the 3M company! A nurse goes up to the third man saying, Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." That's strange, he answers. I work for the Four Seasons hotel! The last man begins groaning and b**... his head against the wall. What's wrong? the others ask. I work for 7 Up!
An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.
The nurse comes out of the opperating room as say "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "
The old man stands up excitedly takes off his hat and says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the roof you can still have a fire in the furnace!"
The nurse replied: "Well you better change your filter because the babies are black"
A man struggled into the animal hospital ...
A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"
"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.
The doctor motioned to his assistants, who gently took the dog and exited through another door. "Wait here, sir. We'll be right back."
15 minutes later, the doctor re-entered the room carrying a collar and a beautiful porcelain urn.
The man, now relaxed and refreshed, jumped up and said "Oh, Doctor, hello! Now we can discuss my dog's flea problem!"
A man loses his toe in an unfortunate accident and calls 911.
They rush him to the hospital, where he is brought to the operating room for surgical reattachment.
He wakes up some hours later in the recovery room and sees the doctor waiting at the foot of his bed, looking uncomfortable.
Doctor? How'd it go? he asked.
Well... I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we confused your toe with a piece of candy. The good news is that the surgery was successful.
What are you saying, doctor?
You have a Tic-Tac toe.
Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.
I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"
He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".
Four expectant fathers.
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"
When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
Three fathers were in the hospital waiting room for news about their new born children.
The nurse comes out and congratulates the first father for getting twins, the father is both happy over the news and also amazed that it's twins because he works at the "two hands hardware store".
After a while the nurse comes back out and congratulates the second father for getting triplets, he too is amazed because he works for "the three fathers of mining solutions".
After a while the nurse comes out to congratulate the third father but sees him standing in front of the open window, ready to jump out. She asks "what is his issue?". One of the fathers reply: "he works at seven eleven..."
An 8 year old (Billy) and a 9 year old (Tommy) are sitting in a waiting room with their moms at a hospital
Billy asks Tommy why he's there.
Tommy says, To get my tonsils removed.
Billy says, Oh don't worry, it's not so bad. You get to stay home from school and eat all the ice cream you want.
Tommy then asks Billy, Why are you here?
Billy says, For a circumcision.
Tommy says, Oh boy, that's s**..., I had one when I was first born and I couldn't walk for about a year!
I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.
While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.
I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.
After a few minutes, his mother came and saw him finishing the burger.
She got real angry and started shouting.
"Who is the s**... person who gave him this burger. I drove 20 miles to get him tested on an empty stomach."
I
JUST
RAN.
A bedridden hospital patient takes a turn for the worse and a doctor comes to check on them.
The doctor does a quick examination, then releases the brakes on the bed's wheels and rolls them out of the room. "Alright, it's time to move you down to the East Wing."
"What's the East Wing?" asks the patient.
"The morgue." replies the doctor.
"W-wait, the morgue?! But I'm not dead yet!"
"It's a long hallway."