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Hospital Patient Jokes

104 hospital patient jokes and hilarious hospital patient puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hospital patient that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Hospital Patient Short Jokes

Short hospital patient jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hospital patient humour may include short hospital bed jokes also.

  1. At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!" "I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.
  2. Two ladies meet up for coffee... The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
    (I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
  3. Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
    [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
  4. There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
    Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
    Doctor: I know... that's my name.
  5. I heard laughter is the best medicine I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
  6. A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital. He finished with a cheerful greeting:
    -Bye-bye , and hope you get better!
    -Thanks, you too! replied the patients.
  7. I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now
  8. A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients Nobody know what she sees in him
  9. What's the difference between an angry mother and a bad hospital? One is losing their patience. The other is losing their patients
  10. Hospital When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."

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Hospital Patient One Liners

Which hospital patient one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hospital patient? I can suggest the ones about hospital stay and hospital discharge.

  1. I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive
  2. I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient.. Stay positive
  3. Where are doctors most observant of their patients in the hospital? In the ICU.
  4. I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital Just to test their patients
  5. What part of a hospital does an abortion patient avoid? The right wing
  6. Waiting in hospital's waiting room makes You patient.
  7. What's the key to running a successful hospital? Patients
  8. Notice in a hospital waiting room. "Thanks for being Patient.'
  9. What do you call a Buddhist hospital? Patient, centered.
  10. I brought a quiz to my local hospital To test the doctors' patients.
  11. Brian, a patient at the hospital, got tested for hepatitis... He was appositive.

Hilarious Fun Hospital Patient Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about hospital patient you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cancer patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hospital patient pranks.

Place:mental hospital
Doctor:what is wrong with you?
Patient:I wrote a 500 page book
Doctor:what did you write about?
Patient:I wrote a king started going to the jungle with his horse and in the last page he arrived at the jungle
Doctor:what did you write in the other 498 page
Patient:tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik and so on the other 493 pages
Doctor:you idiot.who will read it
Patient:I will put it on watazapp and some idiot will read it

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.
The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don’t see why not," replies the doctor.
"That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."

Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

A simple operation

A patient is caught running down the hospital halls before his operation by an employee.
"What's the matter?" the employee asked.
The man said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's going to be a very simple operation, don't worry, it will be fine.'"
"Well what's the matter? She was just trying to comfort you." the employee said.
The man replied, "She wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the doctor."

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call

A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

Observation

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.
Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

Dr joke I just made up

A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."

In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor

How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....
Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39

"Fourteen!"

a man walks by a mental hospital and over the wall he can hear the patients saying,"Fourteen" over and over again. The wall is too high to see over and as he walks along it he sees a small hole. Bending down to look through and see why they are chanting "Fourteen", he can see some movement.
All of a sudden a stick pushes through into his eye!

Then he hears...Fifteen!...Fifteen!...Fifteen!!!

Jim and Mary.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

A long day at the hospital

After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:
- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist

After experiencing weeks of pain, a man finally decides to go to the hospital...

The doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?"
The man replies, "It hurts here (touches his thigh), it hurts here (touches his wrist), it hurts here (touches his hip). It hurts everywhere!"
After a few seconds of examining the patient, the doctor realizes whats wrong with the man.
The doctor grabs his hand and says, "Sir, you have a broken finger."

A man walks by a mental hospital and hears a group of patients yelling 12! 12! 12!

A man walks by a mental hospital and hears a group of patients yelling 12! 12! 12! behind an old wooden fence. Curious about the commotion, the man walks up and peaks threw a hole in the fence to get a better view and gets poked in the eye. The group yells 13! 13! 13!

During a visit to the mental hospital....

..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Mental patients

Two mental patients escaped from the mental hospital but had to cross a river to continue there journey. One patient said to the other: I have a Flashlight as he pointed it across the river and said: you run across the beam of light! the other patient said: Do you think I am s**......I will get half way across and you will turn the flashlight off.

What do you call a midget in a hospital waiting room constantly complaining about how long he's been waiting?

Imp-Patient!

A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a r**... thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "d**...! Some a**...'s got my pencil!"

Whats the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at a mental hospital?

The patients are the ones who eventually get better and get to go home.

What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

When you ask the patients "what's the problem?" They'll say "nothing"

Request for a months worth of jokes for a cancer patient.

A friend of mine will be in the hospital for a month because of her cancer treatments. We are telling her jokes to cheer her up and were hoping you could help, Thanks.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy...

"What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks.
"Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

A patient on his hospital bed asks the doctor...

Patient: Doctor, how much time do I have left to live...?
Doctor: Ten
Patient: Ten what...?
Doctor: Nine...

A Doctor and A Chemist

A doctor and a chemist are chatting in a hospital. The doctor talks about how he's having trouble with a patient, to which the chemist replies,"Well, if you can't Curium and you can't Helium, then you might as well Barium."

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

An American guy ends up in the hospital with an Australian doctor

Feeling very weak and dizzy, the patient asked:
-Did I come here to die?
-No, you came here yesterday.

A doctor was checking up on his Patient at the psychiatric hospital

Doctor: How are you feeling?
Patient: I keep fantasizing about baboons playing soccer.
Doctor: Ok, I will give you medicine today, you'll stop fantasizing...
Patient: Give me the medicine tomorrow, today it's the finals!

An electrician gets to the ICU part of a hospital....

He sees the patients all connected to life support machines and say :
" You guys better take a deep breath, i'm going to change the fuse. "

A man is rushed into the hospital after an accident.

Doctor, Doctor! I've broken my arm in several places."
The Doctor examines the patient's arm, and after a few moments of staring with intensity, he looked at the patient.
Doctor: lol, well don't go to those places.

I lost my job at the hospital today for s**... assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

A man visits a mental hospital.

He sees a patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting "Julie !! Julie !!"
He asks the assistant about the reason for the patient's  behavior. Asst says the patient used to love a girl called Julie but couldn't marry her. So he became mad.
The man visits the next ward. There also he sees another patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting
"Julie !! Julie !!"
The man looks at the assistant.
The assistant says "This one married Julie"

So what happened to the doctor?

Good news, he made it to his hospital.
Bad news, he was the patient.

I got banned from the hospital this morning

Apparently "s**... Patients Here:" Is not what your supposed to do!

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

I took an hour long break when working at the hospital.

Luckily enough, my patron was very patient

Doctor's Discussion

Two surgeons are conferring in the hospital corridor outside a patient's room...
"We found a large lump in his wallet but I think we got it all."

A hospital patient became violent when told he needed to have all his toes amputated.

It turns out he was lack-toes intolerant.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "s**... patients here" meant something totally different.

Mental hospital...

A man is brought into a mental hospital late one night, who claims to be Napoleon Bonaparte. Turns out, there is another patient there who also believes he is Napoleon, but is also flamboyantly gay. The director thinks it will be interesting to House them together overnight and see what happens.
In the morning, the director approached the gay Napoleon:
Who are you, Sir?
(Heavy French accent) How do you not know that I am the great, Napoleon Bonaparte?!?
OK.
He then asks the new patient- And who are you?
Sacre' bleu! You do not recognize Josephine, zee queen?!?

Why was the hospital patient feeling so self-conscious?

She overheard the doctors keep saying ICU.

Thirteen

A guy goes for a walk and when he passes by the mental hospital, he hears a patient inside yelling "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
The guy moves along and later when he's returning home and walks by the same hospital, he hears the same voice again yelling "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
And then he sees a small hole in the wall. The curiosity was too strong and when he takes a peek the patient pokes him in the eye with a stick and starts yelling "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.
"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."
The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

A psychiatrist starts working in a hospital

He is checking on the patients when he comes across a man locked in a private room and hitting himself with a shoe
"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks
"He was in love with a girl for 10 years and then she married somone else" the nurse answers
They then walk up to another private room with a man hitting himself with 2 shoes
"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks
"This is the man who married her"

I got arrested at a hospital yesterday.

Apparently, the s**... patient sign is not a request one.

I bought a clock that was made by the patients at a psychiatric hospital

It's the beautiful cuckoo clock I've ever seen.

A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building

Why did escape from the operating room? said the director
Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."
So what? she was just trying to reassure you...
She was talking to the surgeon!

At the mental hospital

Doc: what are you doing? Patient: writing a letter I'll send to myself tomorrow. Doc: so, what does it say? Patient: are you crazy? How would I know? I haven't received it yet.

I told a joke about hemorrhoids in a hospital the other day.

It didn't sit well with some of the patients.

I was walking around the hospital...

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nan. When I got to the correct area in the hospital I saw a sign saying s**... Patients Here .
I never did get to visit my Nan, thanks to hospital security.

In a hospital room

Doctor: *Im sorry sir, but the virus will continue to spread throughout your body. There's nothing we can do. *
Patient: *but what about the treatment you injected into me?
Doctor: *Turns out, that was the wrong medicine. It was all done in vein.*

Mental hospital

A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.
- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.
- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.
The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to find him m**....
- Heavens, Gary! What are you doing?!
Asked the nurse.
- I am having s**... with Bob's wife while he's in Canada.
Gary replied.

What's the difference between an o**... and a r**... thermometer?

The taste.
(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)
Bonus joke:
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister, have you got a pen?"
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh no," she says, "some a**...'s got my pen."

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

I just got fired on the first day of my job as a nurse at the hospital

Apparently the sign "s**... PATIENTS" doesn't mean what I thought it meant

A famous Hindi joke! Let's see if the translation works!

Once, Mahatma Gandhi was on a visit to the Mental Hospital. He bumped in a patient who had recovered by then
Gandhiji asked him, "So, how are you now?"
"I feel better. Tell me what's your name?"
"Mohandas Gandhi."
"I, too, was saying this before getting admitted to the hospital!"

Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some w**... eat that want it!"
She turns a puzzled face upon her doctor e**... and says "Is this the psychiatric ward, then?"
And he replies, "Och, no...
"It's the Burns Unit!"

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.
First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"
"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.
"So what?" said the first patient.
"So, one of them must have told a great joke."

I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.

I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spread much quicker!

Guy goes into the hospital with a bad case of gangrene on his foot ...

... doctor says we're going to need to amputate this foot immediately before it spreads .
He goes through surgery and as he wakes up from his slumber the doctor says well sir, I have some good news and bad news, what do you want first?
I'll take the bad news first
Okay, well unfortunately we amputated the wrong foot so we had to amputate both feet due to the mistake and gangrene .
And what the h**... is the good news?!
The patient beside you wants to buy your slippers .

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"

A hospital surgeon told his patient : "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

The patient said, "Give me the bad news." The doctor said, " We are going to have to amputate both of your feet." The patient said, "Oh, that's terrible! What's the good news? The doctor said, "The patient in next bed wants to buy your slippers."

A man is in a hospital and waits for a nurse to come. After a long time, the nurse comes in and says Sorry I kept you waiting

He replies No worries. I'm patient

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day.
And the patients were shouting 13, 13, 13.. the fence was too high high to see over. But there was a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what's going on….

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick
And the next thing I hear from over the fence is all the patients chanting 14……14…..14….

A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him 'we've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news' the patient replies 'Oh no, best tell me please?'

'The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live' says the Doctor 'The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday'

jokes about hospital patient