Hospital Jokes

181 hospital jokes and hilarious hospital puns to laugh out loud. Read places jokes about hospital that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of hospital jokes. From doctors and nurses to patients and visitors, we've got jokes for everyone.

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Funniest Hospital Short Jokes

Short hospital jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hospital humour may include short hotel jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital? I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
  2. Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs Step 1:
    Step 2:
    Step 4:
    Step 7:
    Step 12:
    Step 18:
    Step 25:
  3. What's the most common operation in a lego hospital? Plastic surgery.
    [Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]
  4. Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good. Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.
  5. "Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
  6. Where is the worst place to hide if you are having a game of hide and seek in a hospital ? The ICU
  7. Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital? I dunno, I just fly the drone...
  8. If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable.... I would visit you every day in the hospital.
  9. A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
    The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
  10. Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero. I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

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Hospital One Liners

Which hospital one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hospital? I can suggest the ones about medical and hospice.

  1. Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital? In the ICU.
  2. Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital? He kept watering the vegetables.
  3. Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital? Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.
  4. My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.
  5. A dark sense of humor is like a hospital. Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.
  6. My Dad was in the hospital from being electrocuted When he left he was discharged
  7. A guy using Apple map walks into a bar ...or maybe a hospital....or possibly a church
  8. I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive
  9. What's the worst place to hide in a hospital? The ICU
  10. Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital? The hip doctor.
  11. Hillary Clinton is in the hospital... She is being treated for third degree Berns.
  12. The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital.. He's in fair condition.
  13. What ward does Sauron visit in the hospital? ICU
  14. What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital? Do you see what I see?
  15. Why are hospitals allways so cold? To keep the vegetables fresh.

Hospital Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny hospital patient jokes and even better hospital patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!" "I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.
  • Two ladies meet up for coffee... The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
    (I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
  • Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
    [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
  • There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
    Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
    Doctor: I know... that's my name.
  • I heard laughter is the best medicine I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
  • A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital. He finished with a cheerful greeting:
    -Bye-bye , and hope you get better!
    -Thanks, you too! replied the patients.
  • I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now
  • A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients Nobody know what she sees in him
  • What's the difference between an angry mother and a bad hospital? One is losing their patience. The other is losing their patients
  • Hospital When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."

Hospital Bed Jokes

Here is a list of funny hospital bed jokes and even better hospital bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
  • A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs! The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.
  • I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, "Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?" I said, "Yes. The doctor."
  • Did you know, anti-vaxxers don't last as long in bed? …especially if the bed is in a hospital.
  • A man is lying in a hospital bed. "Doctor, how long do I have to live?" asks the man.
    "10," replies the doctor.
    "10 what?"
  • A man's in the hospital bed When the doctor came in, so he asks:
    Doctor, how did my tests went? I'm dying of curiosity
    Which he answers:
    Well, not just of curiosity
  • I once fell down 2 flights of stairs and hit my head I quickly realized it was a dream when I woke up safely in my hospital bed.
  • What do they announce overhead when a patient poops in the bed in the hospital? I Heard they call a Code Amber.
  • The local hospital hired a Roman nurse! Complications arose when the IV was issued to bed #4.
  • Told my son to live every day like it was his last. Nobody can pull him out of that hospital bed.
Hospital joke, Told my son to live every day like it was his last.

Mental Hospital Jokes

Here is a list of funny mental hospital jokes and even better mental hospital puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If mental hospitals had walkways... They'd be called psychopaths.
  • Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine? A mental hospital
  • A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital. Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.
  • What's the best way to get to the mental hospital? Take the psychopath!!
  • A man walks into a mental hospital wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The clerk says to him, "You definitely belong here, I can clearly see your nuts!"
  • Whats the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at a mental hospital? The patients are the ones who eventually get better and get to go home.
  • A police officer arrested a man who was in a mental hospital. The officer busted a nut.
  • What Christmas song is banned from playing at mental hospitals? 🎤Do you hear what I hear? 🎤
  • What person shows you around a mental hospital? Tour-ettes :)
  • What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety? Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

Hospital Waiting Room Jokes

Here is a list of funny hospital waiting room jokes and even better hospital waiting room puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Waiting in hospital's waiting room makes You patient.
  • What do you call a midget in a hospital waiting room constantly complaining about how long he's been waiting? Imp-Patient!
  • Heard in a hospital waiting room. I only read the paper to look at the obituaries. If I am not there. I read the divorces and check for my name. I can then start my day.
  • Notice in a hospital waiting room. "Thanks for being Patient.'

Hospital Food Jokes

Here is a list of funny hospital food jokes and even better hospital food puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A joke told to me by a doctor in a hospital elevator What are the three rules of proctology?
    >!1) Don't shake hands!<
    >!2) No finger foods!<
    >!3) Don't pick your nose!<
  • How do you know when a British person is demonstrating great hospitality? You visit their house and they don't offer you their food.
  • What take out food should you avoid at all costs in Hospital? Donor Kebab
  • I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.
    They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
  • What's the only type of food hospitals stock? Vegetables
Hospital joke, What's the only type of food hospitals stock?

Entertaining Hospital Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What funny jokes about hospital you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hospital pranks.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.

The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's s**...! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!

I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo accident

They put me in the ICU

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

s**... after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **

John Travolta Coronavirus joke

As see on the CNN John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected Coronavirus. But doctors soon realised that it was only a Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.

A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable
(Edit): yeah I s**... up the spelling, it's supposed to say b**...

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

If There's h**... Below …

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.


A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "s**... patients here" meant something totally different.

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?
P : my dad is still in the hospital.
T : wow, this must be serious.
*1 month later*
T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.
P : Indeed.
T: well, how come?
P : he's a doctor.

An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...

The nurse comes in and says
"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

As a Canadian..

Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

An old woman stopped me and asked

"Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

A construction worker calls his wife in the middle of the day.

Honey, I'm in the hospital, I lost a finger.
Oh my goodness, she exclaims, The whole finger? No, no. He replies, The one next to it.

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said I'm sorry— your wife didn't make it.

I said, Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?

Kanye West was hospitalized...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?

If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"
The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a u**... sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your u**.... You're diabetic." She says.
Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."
"Sure thing, sweet pee."

What's the difference between a Taliban Base and a hospital?

I don't know, I just fly the drone

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"...

Me: "...How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".
Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

She told me "You're the g**... doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

A man claiming he is Jesus is brought into a mental hospital...

He is asked, "Why do you think you are Jesus?"
He replies, "God told me so!"
Immediately, the patient behind him stands up and shouts, "No I didn't!"

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

I told my wife when I first met her that I play a LOT of golf

I told her …
If it's a beautiful sunny day I'm gonna play golf
If it's windy I'll play golf
If it's rainy I'll play golf
If we're in a minor car accident, I'll drop her off at the hospital and go play golf…
She said she's a hooker…
I said you're probably not holding the club right!

My son called me saying he's in the hospital

"Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."

There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.

The guy said, d**... i cant feel my legs. The doctor said to him, well thats because we amputated your arms.

A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"
She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

A bedridden hospital patient takes a turn for the worse and a doctor comes to check on them.

The doctor does a quick examination, then releases the brakes on the bed's wheels and rolls them out of the room. "Alright, it's time to move you down to the East Wing."
"What's the East Wing?" asks the patient.
"The morgue." replies the doctor.
"W-wait, the morgue?! But I'm not dead yet!"
"It's a long hallway."

My 4 year old is a comedian and loves jokes.. this is her favorite one...

Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because he wasn't peeling very well.

A politician visited a village in India..

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.

I lost my job at the hospital today for s**... assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here"
"Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the b**... shop" yells the father

Hospital joke, An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

jokes about hospital