Hospital Coma Jokes
36 hospital coma jokes and hilarious hospital coma puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hospital coma that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Hospital Coma Short Jokes
Short hospital coma jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hospital coma humour may include short waking coma jokes also.
- A woman lost so much menstrual blood she ended up unconscious for several weeks in a hospital. I hate it when I intend a period but end up with a coma.
- A gay teenager gets put into a coma in car accident At the hospital the father says "Well, he was a fruit now he's a vegetable. He's still in the produce isle"
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Hospital Coma One Liners
Which hospital coma one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hospital coma? I can suggest the ones about hospital bed and hospital stay.
- They had to put my handgun under at the hospital He's in a glock coma
- What's the best thing about hospitals? If you find a girl in a coma, she can't say no.
Hospital Coma Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hospital coma you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hospital discharge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hospital coma pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man's wife is in a coma in the hospital
The man, exhausted, sleeps in the waiting room as the nurse gives his wife a towel bath. As the nurse does this, she notices a slight movement from the comatose woman as she runs the washcloth over the woman's private parts.
The nurse gently wakes the man up, and as he rubs sleep from his eyes, she tells him, "I noticed something when bathing your wife, and it makes me think she might respond to o**... s**...."
The man thinks a moment, then says, "OK, I'll give it a try." He goes into the room while the nurse watches the woman's vital signs from the monitor at the nurse's station.
Suddenly, the heart monitor goes flat with a loud "BEEEEP". The nurse charges off and almost crashes into the man as he exits the door of the woman's room. "What happened!?" she shouts.
"She choked."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Magic
So there is this man, lets call him John, who just took a magic course. Convinced that he was a magician, he went up to his friend called Rob. John then requested Rob to hit his head with a hammer. "why would I do that?" asked his friend. "because I am a magician. I'll be alright. It's really cool! Hit me as hard as you can. I'll live. I really will! I promise I will live. Just hit me." So Rob takes the hammer, and reluctantly smashes John on the head. To his dismay, John crumples to the ground. Rob rushes him to the hospital and explained what happened to the doctors. The doctors take Rob in, and try everything they could do to get him out of the coma he fell into, but nothing worked, so they put John on life support. Rob felt so guilty and s**... that he smashed John with a hammer, believing he was a magician,that he stayed by his side all year through, until he awoke from his coma. "John! You promised me you would live if I smashed you with that hammer! I should have known you weren't a magician." John then gestured to himself, and said "tadaaaa"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a nurse is giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath
and notices the heartbeat change slightly when the sponge was in her c**....
Excitedly, she goes to the phone and calls the woman's husband and tells him to come to the hospital.
When he gets there the nurse tells him that she thinks that his wife could be helped perhaps by a little bit of o**... s**..., that maybe it is crazy but it just might work.
The man goes into his wife's booth. A couple of minutes later her heartbeat flat-lines. The man walks out, and the nurse stunned asks "What happened?"
The man replies "I think she choked"
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a
car accident...
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's not so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men are riding in an airplane over their city
3 guys were in a Cessna Airplane flying over the city they lived in. The first man said "I love my city so much, I'm gonna drop this 50 cent coin out the window for someone to find. That will make their day!" So he threw it out.
The second man pulled out a roll of coins and said "I love my city so much that I'll throw this whole roll of coins out the window! And he threw it out.
The third man hated his city, so he pulled out an incendiary grenade and said "I hate my city so much I'm dropping this out the window!" So he pulled the pin and pitched it.
Later that day, the third man was walking through the streets when he saw a little girl crying, so he asked her what was wrong. She said "both my dad and grandpa were hit by coins that fell out of the sky! Now my dads in the hospital with a coma and my grandpa got startled and had a heart attack!"
After the man consoled the little girl, he kept walking until he saw a boy rolling around laughing on the sidewalk in front of a pile of charred wood. When the man asked him what was so funny, the kid said
"I f**... and my house burst into flames!"
An old favorite for this festive day
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him, Where is my son? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."
The doctor replies, I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won't be able to kick a soccer ball any more.
The woman asks about her daughter. Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at the US Open.
The doctor says, Sorry but in the accident she lost her arm and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more.
She begins to cry.
Doctor, asks the woman, how long have I been in this coma?
The doctor replies, Six months.
So what's the date? asks the woman.
April 1st, says the doctor.
The woman begins to laugh So you were joking then, were you?
Doctor: YES… they both died on impact.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in a hospital, holding vigil at his wife's bedside...
...she has been in a coma for 3 weeks, the result of a terrible car accident. He is staring lovingly at her, lost in fleeting glimpses of the past, when a nurse enters the room carrying a pan of water, a sponge tucked under her arm. The man nods, kisses his wife on the forehead, and leaves the room. Several minutes have passed. He is alone in the hallway when the door opens and the nurse approaches him excitedly. Embarrassed now, she tells the man that when she tended to his wife's private parts during the sponge bath, his wife had moaned. She whispers that perhaps o**... s**... can bring her out of her coma! Puzzled, but willing to try anything, the man agrees and enters his wife's room while the nurse now waits in the hall. Minutes later, an alarm sounds from the equipment monitoring his wife. The nurse rushes into the room and sees the man at the head of his wife's bed, zipping up his pants. "I think she choked.'", he exclaims.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in a coma...
Desperate for ways to wake her up, the husband frantically asks the hospital staff what can be done. No one had an answer. Later that night as he sit by her side, a nurse from earlier in day is finishing her shift and pops in the room to give some last minute advice. "You know, it may not help, but I've heard of instances where o**... s**... has pulled a woman out of a coma"
Twenty minute later the woman's vital sign monitor alarm goes off. The doctors and nurses rush into the room to find the husband zipping up his pants and buckling his belt.
"I don't think it helped her, but I sure feel better"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm no Doctor
A husband and wife are at the hospital.. the wife is in a coma.
The doctor pulls the husband to the side and says "we have tried everything in the realms of medicine to revive your wife., but we have no progress.
Th last option I can suggest which will sometimes work is to perform o**... s**... with her - would you be willing?"
Husband says yes and the nurses slide the curtains closed for privacy.
A few minutes later the machine that goes beep flatlines and the nurses and doctor race in to help.
When they ask the husband what happened he replies -
"Well, I'm no doctor - but I think she choked to death"
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident.
She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, "Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."
The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."
Getting anxious, the woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She's a tennis prodigy, and will likely win the US Open one day!"
The doctor says, "Sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm and will not be able to pick up a racket ever again."
The woman begins to cry.
"Doctor, how long have I been in this coma?"
"About a month," he replies.
"So what's the date?" asks the woman.
"April 1st," the doctor says, grinning.
The woman begins to laugh. "Ha, so you were joking all along, weren't you?"
Chuckling, the doctor says, "Yep! They both died on impact!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The realistic magician
A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to s**... the side of my head with this sledgehammer." The magician kneels carefully, positions his head on the block, and says, "Abra-cadabra!" And the guy from the audience winds up and smacks him on the side of the head with the hammer. The magician crumples to the stage, unconscious, and goes into a deep coma.
Ten years later, he wakes up in the hospital, looks at the nurse, and says, "TA - DAA!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How Men Think...
A nurse was giving a female coma patient a sponge bath, when she accidently brushed up on the womans private parts. Suddenly, the patients vital signs jumped up. So the nurse tried it again, and once again, the vital signs jumped up...so she called the Doctor, and showed him what had happened.
The Doctor grew excited, and called the womans husband. He explained what had happened, and said "I think it's worth trying for you to try o**... s**... with her, and that might be enough to wake her up."
So the husband agreed, and came over to the hospital, where they left him alone with his wife to get going....
a few minutes later, however, the alarms began to ring, and the Doctor found the woman to be dead.
He turned to the husband and asked him "What happened? Didn't you try o**... with her?"
"Yeah... I guess she must have choked on it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes for 1/24
SkyMall Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. SkyMall blamed the decline in sales on the fact that s**... people have run out of money.
Scientists have proved that hearing jokes and the voices of family members helps coma patients wake up faster. One family started doing a comedy show, and the coma patient sprinted out of the hospital.
In New Hampshire, four bears died after they overdosed on chocolate bait. Even more tragic, one of the bear's New Year's Resolutions was to eat better.
A study has revealed that sitting for long periods increases your risk of death. It's especially lethal if you sit for a period longer than 100 years.
Cubans hope that improved relations with the US will also bring better internet access. To give you an idea of how slow Cuba's internet is, they're still waiting for Gangnam Style to load.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in a coma
and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.' so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ' i think that o**... s**... will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.' so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, 'I don't know, I think that she started choking.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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So an Australian wakes up from his coma in a hospital after a brutal car c**......
...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!
So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."
:D
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A magician calls a man onstage...
and he gives the man a sledgehammer, and he says, "I want you to take this sledgehammer and hit me as hard as you can in the head." The guy says, "Alright." The magician puts his head down on a block a wood and the guy hauls back and BAM! Pops this magician in the temple. Ten years later, the magician wakes up out of a coma in the hospital and goes, "TADAAA!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman is hit by a car....
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a m**...! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
After hearing about how her son was involved in a tragic accident, the mother rushes to the hospital
There she sees her son lying in a coma in bed with a doctor watching over him.
Completely disheartened, she asks the doctor:
"What state is my son in?"
To which the doctor replies:
"Err, Oregon?"
A cop gets shot while on duty
He goes into surgery, and falls into a coma.
His grieving wife is billed a few weeks later. She is confused to find part of her bill includes "a service from an ophthalmologist." She then decides to visit the hospital to see why they needed one.
Wife: Why did you need an ophthalmologist for my husband? Are you scamming me?!
Doctor: Ma'am, we suspected your husband was suffering from glockcoma.
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident.
The impact is so bad, the woman goes into a coma for 6 months. When she wakes up in the hospital, her first thought is, "oh, God, where are my babies?" This is the first thing she asks the doctor when he comes to see her.
"Oh, your babies are just fine," the doctor tells her assuredly. "One's a boy, one's a girl. But since you were unconscious when you had them, your brother named them for you."
The woman becomes slightly nervous, knowing her brother is a bit of a showoff, a little out there. "So, what did he name them?"
"Well, he named the girl Denise."
Denise. Not a bad name. Good going, bro. "And the boy? What did he name the boy?", she asks.
"Denephew."
Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.
A little confused he asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"
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A pregnant woman is hit by a private car....!
She is sent into a coma for 2 years. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a m**...! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
A man ends up in a 30-year coma.
After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.
The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that o**... s**... may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.
30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says I don't know, maybe she choked.
One day Brock Lee fell off stage during filming.
He bumped his head pretty hard, and fell into a coma.
After a while, the director and other actors urgently went to the hospital to check up on him. The doctor who was overseeing Brock came out and said
"We hope he gets better soon, but as of now, he is in a vegetative state."
After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
What did the cannibal mother say as her family entered the coma ward of the hospital.
Eat your vegetables.
I know its bad but everytime i hear the vegan teacher say that sentece its all i can think about.
A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident
He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."