Hose Jokes
109 hose jokes and hilarious hose puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hose that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Hose Short Jokes
Short hose jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hose humour may include short rope jokes also.
- Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter? Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.
- Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins? He named one José.
He named the other one hose B. - Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water? Bros before hose.
- English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?
Because he don't love no hose. - Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire? Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!
- I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car... He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!
- I once met a guy who asked me aren't you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff? I then replied No, I'm the guy with the longest garden hose in the county. 1
- How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico? With the help of a hose eh.
- There was a firefighter who always recited a poetry verse before extinguishing a blaze. He was a real prose before hose kinda guy.
- I used my opposite hand with the kitchen sink sprayer hose felt like someone else was doing the dishes
Share These Hose Jokes With Friends
Hose One Liners
Which hose one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hose? I can suggest the ones about pipe and cable.
- What do you call a mermaid prostitutes? Water Hose.
- What kind of girls date firefighters? Hose.
- A house isn't a home without you... It's a hose
- Why isn't snoop dogs lawn green? Cuz he don't love no hose
- What is the best job in the world? Gardener. They get all them hose.
- A fireman has two sons. He named the first one Jose. What did he name the second? Hose B
- Why are fire trucks red? You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.
- What do prostitutes drink? Hose water.
- Fire fighters throw the best parties. They've got a lot of hose with smoking hot bodies.
- What did the Mexican fire department name their hose? Hose A and Hose B.
- What do you call a Mexican garden hose in Canada? Joseh
- Why did Chris Brown get a lawn sprinkler system installed? His hose ain't loyal
- Why did Snoop Dogs grass die? Cuz he don't love no hose.
- What makes firefighters such great pimps? They have a handle on their hose.
- Why should you go out with the lads before you water the garden? Bros before hose.
Water Hose Jokes
Here is a list of funny water hose jokes and even better water hose puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Was told to turn on the water hose I was told to turn on the water hose.
Responded
"I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality" - After much debate comparing early black communities to modern during all these officer related shootings They have decided water hoses weren't so bad
- My mom wanted me to water the plants and my friends wanted me to get on Fortnite... I got on Forntite because bros before hose.
- What did the strong water hose say to the week water hose during their shoot out? You mist.
- My girlfriend got me a water hose for Christmas I asked her why? and she said it's the only way you can get me wet
- Water hose, something you use on your lawn or What Aquaman refers to as his one night stands.
- What does Congress use when they water the Capitol lawn? The Hose of Representatives!
Comical & Quirky Hose Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about hose you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean plumber pipe jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hose pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Mexicans
What do you call two Mexicans in the back of a fire truck? José and Hose B
An old snake
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met a Mexican with two d**...
He called one Jose and the other Hose B
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cats and ladders
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's t**....
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The mathematician's interview
A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:
"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"
The mathematician responds:
"People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office."
The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure:
"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?"
The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:
"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(This one is better when spoken) Did you hear about the man with two p**...?
Yep. First one he named Jose. Second one he named hose B.(again, better spoken)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the guy with two p**...' name name his p**...'?
Jose and Hose B.
Peeing !
A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a gardener and a p**...?
A gardener doesn't want his hose to have kinks.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hall, for it has reignited. He finds a fire hose, and, after calculating velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., he extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Satisfied, he goes to bed. Even later, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He goes into the hall and sees the fire and hose. He thinks for a moment, then exclaims, "Ah! A solution exists!", and then goes back to bed.
What did the Canadian pick up at Home Depot to help him in his garden?
A Hose, eh
Inside the News - 65th edition Don't let 'em hose ya, here's what's really happening!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
He Tries To Give A Little Girl Some Advice. But Didn't Expect This Reply.
One afternoon, firefighter Rick was working on the engine outside the Fire Station, when he noticed a little Susan nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The Susan was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
So firefighter Rick walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter said with admiration to Susan.
Thanks, the little Susan replied.
Then firefighter Rick looked a little closer, The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's t**....
Little partner, firefighter Rick said, I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a lot faster.
The little Susan replied thoughtfully, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did her toes keep curling and uncurling during s**...?
He didn't give her time to take off her p**... hose.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a k**... and a f**...?
A k**... is something put in a hose, a f**... is something she wants to put in your hose.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you ever hear about the Mexican born with two wieners.
He named them Jose and hose b
Why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend?
Because...bros before hose!
Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter?
Prose before Hose
What's the difference between a garden hose and a the male prostate?
Well, there is a vas deferens.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the p**...'s garden dry up and die?
Because all of his hose had kinks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.
I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.
A Mathematician is given a psychological test.
The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why wouldn't the p**... water his lawn?
He couldn't trust his hose.
Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?
Because the they have an excuse to buy hose
What do you call a Spanish elephant?
Hose
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday I took l**... and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.
On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A h**... is lying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a beer while his wife mows the lawn.
His neighbour leans over the fence and says, "That's disgusting. You let your wife do all the work while you just lie there and drink beer. You should be d**...-well hung!"
"I am," replies the h**.... "That's why she mows the lawn for me."
A man went to water his garden...
He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.
Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a hose that likes to get t**...?
k**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My k**... hose was leaking
I told them to go get it checked out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A p**... walks into a hardware store...
... and tells the clerk, "I need some more hose."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like I like my garden hose,
I like my women like I like my garden hose.
No kinks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a car and a woman?
A car doesn't mind when you shove a hose in its gas hole.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you put out a fire at a s**... club?
You use the hose.
Horse back riding
Went hose back riding today until I ran out of quarters.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why'd the blind Canadian think he had a gardener?
He kept hearing his wife ask, Where's that hose, eh?
Why did the Mexican get fired from the firestation?
He couldn't tell the difference between Jose and Hose 'B'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the empty watering can say to his plant friends at the s**... club?
Where dem hose at
Dad Joke: What are the names of two son of a maxican gardener?
Hose A and Hose B
Cr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the hose that was into b**...?
It had a few kinks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When buying a race car bed...
Always upgrade the tail pipe to a Fleshlight so when you hookup your hose, you only die a little.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning s**... club?
Where my hose at?
Remember that movie with the hot firefighter and his big muscles?
You look like his hose.
My friend said he's tired from carrying around a concrete hose all day.
I said is that what you call them these days?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What has four legs, a tail and runs?
A cow in p**... hose.
What has four legs, a tale and smells?
A cow with the runs
What has four legs, a tail and walks?
A cow batting 400
What has four legs, a tail and flies?
A dirty cow
What has four legs, a tailand charges?
A cow with a USB port
What has four legs, a tail and leaves?
A dining cow
What has four legs, a tailand berries
A cow with a shovel (spoken joke only)
What has four legs, a tail, and drives?
A cowputer
What has four legs, a tail and feels
Emooooos
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jose went to the urologist for an exam...
When he removed his pants the doctor was surprised at what he saw.
"You have two p**...!" Said the doctor.
"Yeah, I know." Jose replies, "I call the one on the left 'Little Jose.'"
The doctor smiles at the joke, "What about the other one?"
"I call that one 'Little Hose B.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do pimps make good gardeners
Because they are used to garden hose
My neighbor's been working hard during this hot summer day, so I decided to cool him off with my garden hose
I appreciate the thankful little dances his body has been making but I really wish he'd get back to repairing my power line.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is the shower hose pansexual?
Because every n**... person it sees turns it on
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife pulled into the driveway and excitedly told me "Honey, you'll never guess who I ran into at the protest today!"
I said I couldn't possibly guess, who?
"I don't know either, we'll have to watch the news to find out. Now please help me hose the blood off our truck!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Never have s**... with a garden hose...
They're too k**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: I know p**... hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
**Bank Teller:** So— is this not a robbery?
**Me:** No, It is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the hose always unsatisfied?
It could never find anyone into its k**....
