Hose Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

So my wife said "take off my shirt".

So I did as she said and took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.

"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."

Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter?

Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.

Why wouldn't the pimp water his lawn?

He couldn't trust his hose.

What do you call a mermaid prostitutes?

Water Hose.

My girlfriend came home from work last night and immediately said, "Claud, take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

What kind of girls date firefighters?

Hose.

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?

Bros before hose.

An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Cats and ladders

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

JosΓ© and Hose B

What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?

Hose A and Hose B

What did the Mexican firefighter name his sons?

Jose and Hose B

The mathematician's interview

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"

The mathematician responds:

"People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office."

The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure:

"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?"

The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:

"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved."

A house isn't a home without you...

It's a hose

What do you call two mexican firefighters?

Hose A and Hose B.

Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?

Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!

What did the mexican fireman name his 2 children?

Jose and Hose B

Did you hear about the hose that was into BDSM?

It had a few kinks.

A man went to water his garden...

He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.

Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"

What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?

Hose A and Hose B

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hall, for it has reignited. He finds a fire hose, and, after calculating velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., he extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Satisfied, he goes to bed. Even later, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He goes into the hall and sees the fire and hose. He thinks for a moment, then exclaims, "Ah! A solution exists!", and then goes back to bed.

I met a Mexican with two dicks

He called one Jose and the other Hose B

I once met a guy who asked me aren't you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?

I then replied No, I'm the guy with the longest garden hose in the county. 1

What did the Mexican Firefighter name his two children?

Jose and Hose B

How do you put out a fire at a strip club?

You use the hose.

Peeing !

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?

A jewish couple from Israel moves to the US...

... And their neighbours (an american family) start noticing that the couple do everything that the family does because they want to fit in.
If they start trimming the hedges, the couple start trimming the hedges.
If they eat dinner outside, the couple eats dinner outside.
The family doesn't think much of it since the neighbours are friendly and are just trying to fit in.

Then one day the dad in the family decides to go out and wash their car with the hose.
And as expected not long after the jewish man comes out to his car.
Except he has a saw and he starts sawing in the front end of the car.
"What the hell are you doing?" the dad asks.
"Hey! You baptise your car. I circumcise mine!"

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

Adam, Eve and God's bag of parts

One day Adam and Eve were enjoying the garden and it's many luxuries, when they heard the voice of God.

"Alright you two, I have new parts for you, only have two for now."

He explained, approaching the two.

"First is a hose, I think I will call it a penis."

He explained, pulling a part from the bag.

Adam shot up waving his hand.

"I'll have it! Just think of how effective I will be when working, if I need to pee I can do it standing without worry."

God shrugged, and handed Adam the first penis. He then turned to Eve and said.

"Well, I guess you will get the multiple orgasms."

A farmer had a constipated cow... NSFW

Fearing for the cow's health, the farmer enlisted the help of his friend. His friend said, "we just need to put a hose up the cow's butt and blow into it."

So they shove the hose into place and the friend blows and blows until his mouth is too tired. Finally he tells the farmer, "I'm too tired, it's your turn."

So the farmer pulls the hose out of the cow's butt. When the friend asks, "why did you do that?" The farmer responds, "well I'm not gonna put my mouth on the same side as you!"

Two Mexicans

What do you call two Mexicans in the back of a fire truck? JosΓ© and Hose B

What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning strip club?

Where my hose at?

Did you hear about the Spanish Fire Brigade

jose and hose b

What do you call two Mexicans on the back of a firetruck?

Jose and Hose B

For real now, how many animals can you fit into one single pair of panty hose

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, an assload of hares, 1 cameltoe and 1 fish Noone can find

I used my opposite hand with the kitchen sink sprayer hose

felt like someone else was doing the dishes

He Tries To Give A Little Girl Some Advice. But Didn't Expect This Reply.

One afternoon, firefighter Rick was working on the engine outside the Fire Station, when he noticed a little Susan nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The Susan was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

So firefighter Rick walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter said with admiration to Susan.

Thanks, the little Susan replied.

Then firefighter Rick looked a little closer, The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

Little partner, firefighter Rick said, I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a lot faster.

The little Susan replied thoughtfully, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.

I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

Was told to turn on the water hose

I was told to turn on the water hose.

Responded
"I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality"

There were three friends: Shit, Shut-Up and Manners...

One sunny day, Shit was watering his garden when he tripped on his hose and fell into his garbage bin. Now he was quite stuck so he called his friend Manners who lived down the road, just around the corner. Upon arriving, Manners realised he would need some help to get Shit unstuck so he called his friend Shut-Up.

Now Shut-Up lived on the other side of town, so he hopped in his car and raced off. Just before he passed Manners' house, a policeman pulled him over for speeding.

The Policeman came over and asked Shut-Up what his name was, to which he replied "Shut-Up".

Offended, the Policeman asked again, and again Shut-Up replied "Shut-Up".

Furious now, the Policeman asked a third time. Shut-Up, who was no doubt confused by the Policeman's anger, replied again saying, "I've already told you. Shut-Up."

Lividly, the Policeman retorted, "Where are your manners!"

Speeding off in confusion, Shut-Up replied "Around the corner picking up Shit"

What kind of women do firemen get?

only Hose

A fireman has two sons. He named the first one Jose. What did he name the second?

Hose B

What did the firefighter pimp say when he walked into the club?

Where my hose at?

(This one is better when spoken) Did you hear about the man with two penises?

Yep. First one he named Jose. Second one he named hose B.(again, better spoken)

Why are fire trucks red?

You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman?

He named his first son Jose.

And the second one Hose B.

A Mexican man has two penises. What did he name them?

JosΓ© and Hose B.

What kind of women are attracted to firefighters?

Hose!

What's the difference between a hipster and a fire hose?

It takes more than one hipster to push the black people out of a neighborhood.

What did the empty watering can say to his plant friends at the strip club?

Where dem hose at

What are the funniest hose jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hose? Well, here are the best Hose puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hose pick up lines to share with friends.

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