Hose Jokes

Following is our collection of piped humor and nozzle one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Hose puns for adults, dirty firemen jokes or clean hoes gags for kids.

There is an abundance of duct jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on hose. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ablaze witze you can hear about hose.

The Best jokes about Hose

So my wife said "take off my shirt".

So I did as she said and took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.

"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."

Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter?

Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.

Why wouldn't the pimp water his lawn?

He couldn't trust his hose.

What do you call a mermaid prostitutes?

Water Hose.


My girlfriend came home from work last night and immediately said, "Claud, take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

What kind of girls date firefighters?

Hose.

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?

Bros before hose.

An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

English is not first language want to try joke from my country

Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?

Because he don't love no hose.

Cats and ladders

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


The mathematician's interview

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"

The mathematician responds:

"People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office."

The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure:

"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?"

The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:

"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved."

A house isn't a home without you...

It's a hose

What do you call two mexican firefighters?

Hose A and Hose B.

Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?

Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!

What did the mexican fireman name his 2 children?

Jose and Hose B

Did you hear about the hose that was into BDSM?

It had a few kinks.

A man went to water his garden...

He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.

Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!


Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.

I met a Mexican with two dicks

He called one Jose and the other Hose B

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hall, for it has reignited. He finds a fire hose, and, after calculating velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., he extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Satisfied, he goes to bed. Even later, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He goes into the hall and sees the fire and hose. He thinks for a moment, then exclaims, "Ah! A solution exists!", and then goes back to bed.

I once met a guy who asked me aren't you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?

I then replied No, I'm the guy with the longest garden hose in the county. 1

Peeing !

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?

How do you put out a fire at a strip club?

You use the hose.

Two Mexicans

What do you call two Mexicans in the back of a fire truck? José and Hose B

What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning strip club?

Where my hose at?

Did you hear about the Spanish Fire Brigade

jose and hose b

Why isn't snoop dogs lawn green?

Cuz he don't love no hose

I used my opposite hand with the kitchen sink sprayer hose

felt like someone else was doing the dishes

What is the best job in the world?

Gardener. They get all them hose.

Why couldn't the retired pimp water his lawn?

He no longer had any hose!

He Tries To Give A Little Girl Some Advice. But Didn't Expect This Reply.

One afternoon, firefighter Rick was working on the engine outside the Fire Station, when he noticed a little Susan nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The Susan was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

So firefighter Rick walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter said with admiration to Susan.

Thanks, the little Susan replied.

Then firefighter Rick looked a little closer, The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

Little partner, firefighter Rick said, I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a lot faster.

The little Susan replied thoughtfully, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

Was told to turn on the water hose

I was told to turn on the water hose.

Responded
"I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality"

A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.

I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

(This one is better when spoken) Did you hear about the man with two penises?

Yep. First one he named Jose. Second one he named hose B.(again, better spoken)

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman?

He named his first son Jose.

And the second one Hose B.

What kind of women do firemen get?

only Hose

Why are fire trucks red?

You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.

What did the firefighter pimp say when he walked into the club?

Where my hose at?

A fireman has two sons. He named the first one Jose. What did he name the second?

Hose B

What's the difference between a hipster and a fire hose?

It takes more than one hipster to push the black people out of a neighborhood.

What kind of women are attracted to firefighters?

Hose!

What did the empty watering can say to his plant friends at the strip club?

Where dem hose at

A Mexican man has two penises. What did he name them?

José and Hose B.

Jose went to the urologist for an exam...

When he removed his pants the doctor was surprised at what he saw.

"You have two penises!" Said the doctor.

"Yeah, I know." Jose replies, "I call the one on the left 'Little Jose.'"

The doctor smiles at the joke, "What about the other one?"

"I call that one 'Little Hose B.'

Why is a fire engine red?

You'd be red too if your hose was showing.

What do prostitutes drink?

Hose water.

Fire fighters throw the best parties.

They've got a lot of hose with smoking hot bodies.

What do you call slutty mermaids?

Water hose

What do you call a Mexican garden hose in Canada?

Joseh

Did here about the Mexican fireman who had twins?

He named them Jose and Hose B

A hoser is lying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a beer while his wife mows the lawn.

His neighbour leans over the fence and says, "That's disgusting. You let your wife do all the work while you just lie there and drink beer. You should be damn-well hung!"

"I am," replies the hoser. "That's why she mows the lawn for me."

Why do pimps make good gardeners

Because they are used to garden hose

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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