Silly Horses Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?
Grass stations
A new Zealand joke
Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses?
They saw what happened to the sheep
A real cowboy?
An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".
She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".
The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
A conversation with my 7 year old brother.
"Look at all of these beautiful horse"
"Horses"
"Horse is already plural, isn't it?"
"You're thinking of elk"
"Holy mooses, you're right"
Why don't Amish people water ski?
Because their horses would drown.
h**... use among horses have grown
But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
I heard we like Native American jokes.
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
Some people say Ketamine is just for animals...
They need to get off their high horses.
A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart...
...so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
Indian with his ear to the ground.
A man walking down a road happens upon an Indian with his ear to the ground.
"do you hear something?" the man asks.
The Indian says "a red wagon, two horses, family of five, heading north"
"you can tell all of that just putting your ear to the ground!? " the man asked.
"No, they just ran me over"
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?
Because they're all in *stable* relationships!
You can explore horses neigh reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean horses gallop dad jokes. There are also horses puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Married farmer driving home on horses
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
What kind of wine do horses drink?
Chardonneigh.
"Five Horses Is Her Name"
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
Vets aren't doctors:
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help?
Mom: My son broke his leg!
Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
The lone Ranger and Tonto
The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.
What do you call hay for Catholic horses?
Christian Bale
Working with horses is hard
but it's stable work.
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to get up on his high horse and another to chastise the first about oppressing horses.
Why can't horses vote?
'Cause their answer is always 'nay'.
I'm sorry, I'll leave...
Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
I Recently Got a Job Circumsizing Horses...
The pay isn't good but the tips are huge.
Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life?
He had a stable job.
I guess uh.. I'll just leave
What do Dothraki use to count their horses?
A Khalculator
Studies have shown horses exposed to m**... are less stable and unsafe to ride.
So get off your high horse.
A Texan cowboy was walking down the road
When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."
Two cowboys were riding their horses through the plains when they saw an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
See that Indian? One of the Cowboys said. "He can hear everything that's going on for miles around."
They rode up to him, and the Indian said, "white pickup. Four people in the front, six in the back. Big party."
"Wow" the other cowboy said. "You can tell all that from just listening to the ground?"
"Nah, I fell off the back."
My friend told me shes s**... attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside
Literally
So I was in the emergency room
and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.
Horseshoes look more like sandals than shoes...
They should be called Clip Clops.
Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals
Due to their stable environment
What happens to horses when the get hurt?
They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.
Which armed forces do horses join?
The neigh-vy
Do your horses smoke?
No.
Well, then I think your stable is burning.
So what do you call a street where sheep and horses are fighting over turf?
A baaad neigh-borhood.
...
I'm glad none of you are close enough to punch me.
Back in the day...
Back in the day, everyone had a horse and only rich people owned cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich own horses. I guess you could say, the stables have turned
What kind of wine do horses drink?
Caberneigh
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horse-pital.
Just kidding, they get shot.
Earlier today, a man was admitted to hospital due to 8 plastic horses found in his stomach
His condition is now stable.
Why are horses so pessimistic?
Because they're Naysayers
For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment.
Man, horses must really hate us.
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses
Oh how the stables have turned
100 years ago, most people had horses but only the rich had cars. Now, most people have cars but only the rich have horses
The stables have turned
Did you ever wonder...
how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?
A cowboy is riding on his horse in a desert. Suddenly he sees a man lying down with his ear to the ground.
The man says: 'A carriage. 6 horses. 3 black, 2 brown and 1 white.'
The cowboy says: 'Wow! You can hear all of that?!'
'No,' says the man. 'They just ran me over.'
My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I'm bad at it.
No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.
Tried translating a joke from Latvian.
John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.
"Well, I saw a giraffe."
"What's a giraffe?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but really tall and with a long neck."
"Okay, what else?"
"Zebra."
"Zebra?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but with stripes."
"Okay, what else then?"
"I saw a hippo. "
"What's that?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Like a horse, but big and fat."
"Hm. Okay. Anything else?"
"Yes... a crocodile."
"What's a crocodile?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing like one."
Why don't horses use the internet?
They can't find stable connections.
Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi
My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:
Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses f**....
Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, the Queen apologizes to Indira Gandhi, "I'm sorry," she said.
Indira Gandhi replied, "Oh that's okay. But I thought it was the horse!"
A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his a**......
The doctors describe his condition as stable.
If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses
Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
I'll show myself out
A horse walks into a bar
And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.
BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his a**......
Doctors say that his condition is stable.
How do you keep a horses a**... from talking?
Suspend his Twitter account
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night
She's my worst night mare
Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalized for swallowing six of his plastic toy horses?
The doctor described his condition as stable.
4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train
They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".
The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous f**....
The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"
"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"
I had $100 on a horse yesterday.
He came home at 20 to 1.
Unfortunately, all the other horses came home at 12:30.
The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry! apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"
100 years ago everyone owned horses
And only the rich owned cars
Now everyone has a car,and only the rich own horses
The stables have turned
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaay
Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.
Sorry, but I'm a vet, I specialize in horses.
Come on, please, it can't be that big of a difference?
Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.
Husbands are like horses
If you're not riding them, they're running off.
i told someone to hold his horses
after that he pretty much stabilized
A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics
His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.
I stayed up all night trying to think of something that would refute his claim, and then it dawned on me.
Three racehorses were standing in a field.
One says, you know, I've won ten races in my life.
And I've won twenty races! Brags the second horse.
The third horse is much older then them both. He says, That's nothing! I've won fifty races!
Suddenly they all hear laughing, and they turn their heads to see a greyhound trotting through the field.
Amateurs! The dog laughs. I've been in a thousand races, and I've won all of them!
The horses are all shocked. As the dog strolls past them, they stare in silence. Then the old horse says, Holy s**...! a talking dog!
100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars
Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses
Oh how the stables have turned
Horses are awesome during the day.
But then, they become night-mares.
A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but
Doctors have described his condition as stable
(Edit): yeah I s**... up the spelling, it's supposed to say b**...
"I'm sorry, Your Highness, but we can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!" said the King's man.
The King, who was drunk, replied, "Let the horses try."
One day while a cowboy was building a barn.....
he lost his favorite book. A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth. The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, It's a miracle!
Not exactly, said the horse. Your name is written inside.
A toddler was recently hospitalized after swallowing several plastic horses
Doctors now describe his condition as stable.
My girlfriend said my obsession with Only Fools And Horses was too much and asked me to go.
I said, I'll get the suitcase from the van...
What breed of horses are nocturnal?
Nightmares.
Back in the day…..
The poor had horses and the rich had cars
Nowadays the poor have cars and the rich have horses
How the stables have turned
Two cowboys had been separated from their horses, their herd, and their fellow cowboys.
They hadn't eaten much for two days and they were getting hungry. All of a sudden, the first cowboy saw what looked to be a tree covered in bacon. "A bacon tree!" he shouted, "we're saved!". Both of the cowboy ran to the tree and gazed adoringly and in hunger at the branches. All of a sudden they were surrounded by Indians and shot dead.
Turns out it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
What do horses do when they are not eating?
They are horsing around
Made up by my 5 year old daughter…
Why do the buildings that shelter horses never run into any problems ?
Because they're stable
What do gay horses eat?
They eat haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!
I can't stand all these negative horses
I've got no time for neigh sayers
