Horse Race Jokes
98 horse race jokes and hilarious horse race puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about horse race that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Horse Race Short Jokes
Short horse race jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The horse race humour may include short horse racing jokes also.
- My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with horse Racing. I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
- If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
- - My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing... "And they're off!"
- My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing She's at the gate... and she's off
- A new Zealand joke Why do New zealand race horses run faster than other race horses?
They saw what happened to the sheep - I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face. Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, Come on, My Face!!
- My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I'm bad at it. No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.
- At the race track and saw a 100-1 horse win a race. I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that.
- Race Horse Joke/tongue twister One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too. - I tried horse racing once, but I fell at the first fence. I might have done better if I had a horse
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Horse Race One Liners
Which horse race one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with horse race? I can suggest the ones about horse track and racehorse.
- If horse racing is the "sport of kings" is drag racing the sport of queens?
- I am very racist... ...horse races are far superior to all other races
- I lost all my money betting on horse races. Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can.
- Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race They have twice the horsepower
- 1 1 was a race horse 2 2 was 1 2
1 1 1 1 race
2 2 1 1 2 - I was absolutely devastated when my horse died. I had a lot of money riding on that race.
- How did the sea horse win the race? He scalloped.
- Did you hear about the race between the horses with broken legs? It was lame.
- What's the best way to fix a horse race? Evolution.
- What's green and laughs at you while riding away? A Leprechaun on a race horse!
- What do you say to a horse before a race? I mean, you can't exactly tell it "Break a Leg"
- What do you see at a South American horse race? A Guyana horse
- What do you call a racing horse that's never been groomed? Furlong
- I love racing horses even though i have no chance of beating them
- What do you call an Italian who fixes horse races? A Rigatoni
Horse Race Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about horse race you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean horse racing betting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make horse race pranks.
A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.
Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"
Will I ever be able to race my horse again the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly will, and you ll probably beat her too!"
Did you hear about the aristocratic horse?
He was the last of his race!
Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in?
They had to pay the jockey overtime!
Q: Why is horse racing so romantic?
A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
The woman comes with her husband to the psychiatrist and tells the psychiatrist:
"
Please, do something with my man, because he thinks of himself that he is a horse."
The psychiatrist says: "Oh, it will be a long and expensive therapy."
The woman: "Ok, don´t worry, we can enough money because my husband has already won three times the horse racings."
The psychiatrist asks his patient: "
Do you really think that you are a horse?"
The patient: "Yes."
The Doctor: "Ok, it will be a long and expensive therapy."
The patient: "It's ok, I have enough money."
Doctor: "And how it is possible?"
The patient: "Because I have won three times horse races."
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the u**....
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their 'pp' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th.'
'No, ma'am,' he replied, 'I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift.'
High Urinals
High Urinals
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon) - but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, helping them to hold on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Tom and Larry go to the movies
Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Larry responds, "No way. I'll take that bet any day." Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, "you don't have to pay me. I'd already seen this movie, and now I feel bad about making the bet." Larry, looking very confused, replies, "well, so had I, but I didn't think he could do it again."
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
The husband and the horse.
The husband seated, reading his newspaper when his wife, furious, came from the kitchen and hits him in the head with a skillet .
Startled, he gets up and asks:
- Why did you do that? She responds: - I found this is the piece of paper in your pants with Mary's name and number. - Honey, remember the day I went to the horse racing? Yeah ... Mary was the horse I bet on, and the number was how much they were paying for the bet. The woman then left asking for apologies...
Days later, there he was again seated when he receives a new punch, this time with a pressure cooker.
Even more surprised (and dizzy), he asks: - What happened now, my love? She replies: - Your horse just called ...
Physics joke
A man is interested in placing a bet on a horse race; only he's a smart, educated guy and doesn't want to blow his money on the wrong horse. He decides to consult a vet, a statistician an a physicist.
He goes to the vet. The vet examines the horses for a few minutes, then points to a horse and says: "this is the healthiest, strongest, horse. He'll probably win".
He then goes to the statistician. The statistician takes a couple of hours to analyze all the previous races of all contending horses. He takes into account the horse's nutrition, the weather, the day of the week, the number of spectators and many other factors. In the end, he points to a horse and says that, based on past performance, it has the highest probability of winning the race.
Finally, the man goes to a physicist. The physicist thinks for a few minutes and tells him he needs a few days to think it over. A day passes, then two days, then three. It's finally a day before the race and the bets have to be placed. But still there's no word from the physicist. The man decides he has to get an answer so he angrily calls the physicist himself. His reply? "listen, the problem you've given me was harder than I anticipated. By now, I only managed to solve it for a spherical horse in vacuum".
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
A man sits at the bar drinking and looking upset.
The bartender asks him what's wrong. The man looks up and says
"I lost it all playing the ponies. A million dollars. I had it and I lost it all."
The bartender is taken aback. "If you don't mind me prying, a million dollars is a lot of money. How'd you end up losing it?"
The man downs his drink. "Pour me another and I'll tell you. I went to the track with five dollars. That's it. I was only gonna spend five and go home. So I gets a good feeling about this horse named Fedora. He had incredible odds so I went for it. Turns out he won. So I makes a five into a hundred. I'm on a roll now, so in the next race I bets on a horse named Top Hat. Again, the odds are in my favour. He wins, and I turns a hundred into six thousand. It continues all day, every race. Beret made 6000 into 120,000. And Trilby makes 120,000 into 1,200,000. That's no small potatoes. I shoulda known hat names wouldn't work forever, but I thought I had a winner with Cowboy. He lost. I lost."
The bartender is invested in the story by this point. He waits with bated breath. "So who won?"
"Some d**... horse named Yarmulke."
Marylou
One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race
But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks
A religious horse
So, a man decides that he wants to buy a fine horse to get around with and race. He looks around town but can't find one for sale anywhere. At last, he finds an underground shop with a beautiful white horse.
He negotiates the price for the fine steed, but the owner warns him, "This is a special, religious horse. To get her to go, say 'praise the lord!' instead of giddy up. To get her to stop, say "Amen"
So he buys the horse and tests it. He gets on it and forgets what the man said. Then he remembers and says, "Praise the lord!" and it takes off. It runs and runs till he's at the edge of a cliff. He panics and says, "Halt! Stop! " but then remembers and says, "Amen!" and it stops, right on the edge. He says, "Oh, praise the lord..."
Frying pan..
A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? "
The man asked.
The wife replied:
"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man said:
"Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "
The wife apologized & went on with the housework.
3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan.
The man shouted in pain. .
"What was that for? "
Wife replied:
"Your horse phoned. "
A racehorse once smoked some w**... just before the race was about to start.
Once it started, the jockey couldn't control it as it veered off track. So the crowd started calling him arrogant as he couldn't get off his high horse..
Racehorse
An old race horse, a race horse in his prime, and a young colt are in the stables at a race track.
The old horse says "Man, when I was in my prime, I could have beat all you fools."
The prime horse says "Please old man, I could smoke you in your prime. Look at me!"
The colt scoffs at both, and says "You two don't know what you're talking about. When I get to my prime, I'm going to be setting records everywhere!"
As they continue arguing, a greyhound walks by the stables and exclaims,
"Holy s***! Talking horses!"
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it
Husband: I took part in a race last week
and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.
A wife slapped her husband...
A wife slapped her husband, and demanded to know who "Marilyn" was.
"Who is this woman?" The wife asked crossly, "I found this note in your pocket with her name on it."
"My dear wife, you are mistaken." The husband replied, with an innocent look,"Marilyn is the name of the horse in horse racing! My friend persuaded me to bet on her, because he believe that she will win in horse racing tomorrow." On the next morning, the wife slapped his husband again.
"What is it this time?" The husband asked, giving her a perplexed look.
"You horse named Marilyn has just called you."
What race of horses is the most popular on Pandora?
Neightiri.
The Queen and the Chastity Belt
One day, King Arthur had to leave the kingdom for an extended period. He took his most trusted knight, Lancelot, aside for a moment.
"Lancelot, I fear Guinevere is not entirely faithful to me. Therefore, I have placed a chastity belt upon her. Now I entrust you alone with the key", and with that, placed the key in his hand.
Soon Arthur was on his way. Before he left behind sight of the castle, however, he heard a galloping horse racing up to him. It was Lancelot.
"King Arthur! King Arthur! You've given me the wrong key!"
I'm going to to start a horse peeing race,
The award will be called the trickle crown.
I'm starting a new sport where people race on sea horses.
I call it, "Aquastrianism."
Why was the Mexican horse jockey so worried?
Hispanic was his race.
Why don't gelding horses like to race?
Because every time they go to the starting gate they're reminded "They're Off!".
I went to the races yesterday.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
So I was talking to a race horse jockey...
So I was talking to a race horse jockey who said he weighed 92 pounds soaking wet. I told him, that's what you get when you stand under your horse.
"watch me whip. watch me nay nay"
- a race horse that's turned the tables on his jockey
What do you call a race horse that always wins?
Sherbet!
My Dad's favorite sports are horse racing, bike racing, and women...
... basically anything where you can put a leg over something and ride it.
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
7
I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o'clock. I thought this was strange but didn't think too much into it, that was until I hailed a taxi and, of course it was number seven as well. I got to thinking, how can I use this to my advantage? So I went to the local horse track, and in the seventh race of the day, there was a horse named Lucky Number Seven, so I placed my bet and wouldn't you know it,
He came in seventh.
The owner of a racehorse is angry
The owner of a racehorse is angry because the horse he paid so much money for has yet to win a race.
Listen to me, the man says, grabbing the horse by the harness. You'd better win this race or you'll be working the farm tomorrow.
The horses line up in the gates, the starting gun sounds, and the gate is removed. All of the horses take off for the finish line, except the owner's horse. He is fast asleep in his starting pen.
What the heck do you think you're doing? the owner yells at the horse.
I'm grabbing some rest, says the horse. I've got to work the farm early tomorrow morning.
Horse race
A man has a racehorse who never won a race.
Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."
The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING"
The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."
A race steward noticed a horse trainer giving his horse something.
He confronts the man, "What are you giving that horse?" the steward demands. "Just some sugar cubes to give him a little energy" the trainer replies, popping one into his own mouth. "Here, try one", the trainer offers. The steward slips one of the sweet cubes past his lips. "Very well, carry on", says the trainer as he walks away.
A bettor walks up to the trainer: "Is your horse fast?", he asks. "Oh yeah, he's fast. In fact, I'd say the only thing that can keep up with him today is me and that race steward".
Barry likes the number five.
He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.
One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.
It finished fifth.
Day at the Races
A priest is out at his congregation's Day at the Races annual event. Dressed in his collar, he was looking very Priestly.
Prior to Race 7, a track regular stops the priest as they are viewing the horses in the paddock.
Here we go again, he wants my blessing on his bet, the father predicts in his head.
Father, who -, the gamblers starts but is cut off by the priest.
My son, I can offer you a prayer to live by - God's will be done.
The man shot back, Godswillbedone, is that the name of the horse?
What's a bad name for a race horse?
Paraplegic.
In honor of the Kentucky Derby:
Horse Racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money goodbye.
I'm not racist... I like all races!
F1 racing, horse races, go karts, street racing!
A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.
He looks at his watch '7:07'. Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!
He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence .
He then drives back home and parks his car, only to realize his mileage is now at 77,777km. Ok this is it, it is my lucky day, I'm going to pick a horse and bet 7777$ on it in tonight's race. Easy money!
The horse finishes 7th.
A guy bought a horse and named him 'My Face'.
He trained this horse and entered him into races.
When asked why he called it 'my face' he replied,
So when the girls are cheering on the horses they are screaming "Come on My face come on my face"
A man was sitting reading his Sunday newspaper
when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the horse races yesterday Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
I breed some of the worlds best thoroughbred race horses
They are absolutely outstanding in their field
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
A man wins a horse race
A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.
However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it's no fun beating a dead horse!
Lucky Number 7
I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it's number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in through gate 7 and the only booth open is the 7th. I look at the board and in the 7th race there's a horse named Lucky Number 7 and his odds are 77/1. So I put $700 on him... and believe it not... he came in 7th.
(Cr
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
Two farmers were betting on a horse race.
They put up some of their grain crops for the gamble. One of the farmers is better at math and so kept a tally. At the end of the day, the other farmer asked the first one if overall they had won or lost anything. The other one responded: "we lost, but just barley."
Three racehorses were standing in a field.
One says, you know, I've won ten races in my life.
And I've won twenty races! Brags the second horse.
The third horse is much older then them both. He says, That's nothing! I've won fifty races!
Suddenly they all hear laughing, and they turn their heads to see a greyhound trotting through the field.
Amateurs! The dog laughs. I've been in a thousand races, and I've won all of them!
The horses are all shocked. As the dog strolls past them, they stare in silence. Then the old horse says, Holy s**...! a talking dog!
On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.
At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.
5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.
After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's that day. So, I hopped on the number 5 bus again and went to the race tracks.
I paid $55 for my seat at the race tracks, which was seat 5, row E, section 5 of the stadium.
I bet $500 on the number five horse in race 5 (which happened at 5:00 PM). And you know what happened?
>!He came in 5th.!<
A physicist tries betting on horse races
The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical horses of uniform density applying a uniform force in a closed system and a vacuum."
A man woke up at 5:55 AM.
He opened the front door to get his morning paper and found a nickel next to it.
He opened the paper to the sports section, and noticed that the fifth horse in the fifth race was named Nickel.
He went to the track and put $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race…
...and watched him finish fifth.