Horse Jokes
143 horse jokes and hilarious horse puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about horse that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Welcome to our splendid collection of Jokes about Horse. Horses, with their splendid grace, playfulness and a knack for capturing hearts, seem to be the perfect fodder for humor.
Whether you're a horse enthusiast looking to share a laugh with your equestrian pals, a trainer aiming to lighten-up the early morning stable duties, or just a fan of good old-fashioned animal humor seeking to enliven a gathering, our compilation of horse jokes is sure to leave you laughing.
These horse-themed jests are not only fun to trot out at any events and parties, but they also serve to reinforce our shared love for these magnificent creatures. So saddle up, prepare your funniest neighs, and get ready to gallop into the humorous side of the paddock with our collection made to amuse horse-lovers of all ages.
Need a chuckle? Look no further! This article is filled with hilarious horse jokes perfect for any equestrian or birthday party. With jokes about paso finos and ponies, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. Saddle up and enjoy!
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Funniest Horse Short Jokes
Short horse jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The horse humour may include short hunter jokes also.
- My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing. I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
- Where do horses go when they get sick? To the horse-pital.
Just kidding, they get shot. - I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
- You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do? You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.
- If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
- - Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face? Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don't have stable income.
- A horse walks into a bar. Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!" - 100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses Oh how the stables have turned
- A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"
- A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
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Horse One Liners
Which horse one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with horse? I can suggest the ones about pony and tractor.
- A horse walked into a bar
Bartender: Hey
Horse: Yes please - I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.
- Mayo is a horse Mayo Neighs
- What's a horse's primary concern when voting? A stable economy.
- You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead.
- What do you call a homeless horse? Unstable
- So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse So a man comes into a horse
- My horse was way more aggressive than usual today it threw me off
- I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus. He said nope.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin And giraffes were born
- What's a vegan's favorite animal? A high horse
- Which horse runs the city? The mare, of course
- What do you feed a gay horse? Haaaaaaayyy
- What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often? Half a horse.
- Not knowing Greek mythology is my biggest weakness It's my achilles horse
A Horse Walks Into A Bar Jokes
Here is a list of funny a horse walks into a bar jokes and even better a horse walks into a bar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A White Horse Walks Into a Bar A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a cocktail named after you!". "What?", says the horse, "Steve?".
\-heard from Alan Davies on Q.I. - A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family." - A horse walks into a bar Oh, sorry it was a woman. Let me start over.
A horse walks into a woman. - A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar. Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
- A horse walks into a bar and orders a glass of coke. The bartender asks: "Would you like a straw"
"Yeah, straw, lots of straw". - A Centaur walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him "So, why the long face?" I'm half horse...the wrong half.
- A young horse walks into a bar Bartender says, Can I get you a drink? Horse replies, Neigh, I'm foal.
- A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, Are you singing karoake tonight?
Horse replies, Neigh, I don't like being the centaur of attention. - A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" "Because alcoholism has destroyed my life and my family. Let me get your rail whiskey."
- A horse walks into a bar. The bartender confuses jokes with idioms, and offers the horse water but can't make it drink.
Riding Horse Jokes
Here is a list of funny riding horse jokes and even better riding horse puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night She's my worst night mare
- I recently bought a female Horse that I was hoping to ride daily, but she only sleeps during the day. She's turning out to be such a Nightmare.
- Husbands are like horses If you're not riding them, they're running off.
- to ride a horse or not to ride a horse that is equestrian
- My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it. Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.
- I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once. It had its ups and downs.
- My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
- A farmer was riding his horse: The farmer says "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse."
The horse comes to a quick stop and looks at the farmer and says, "Moooooo." - Riding horses is fun and all, but... ...let's be on a steer.
- If the President rides equestrian without a saddle, what do you call the animal he's on? Bare Horse One.
Horse Riding Jokes
Here is a list of funny horse riding jokes and even better horse riding puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why are the cops riding horses? Well, someone has to do the thinking.
- I was absolutely devastated when my horse died. I had a lot of money riding on that race.
- My Dad's favorite sports are horse racing, bike racing, and women... ... basically anything where you can put a leg over something and ride it.
- A church father was riding a horse... Or was it the child?
A church father was riding a child... - When I was a kid I wanted to stop riding horses and start playing baseball, but my dad wouldn't let me. I had too many foals.
- What's green and laughs at you while riding away? A Leprechaun on a race horse!
- What do you call a horse riding a surfboard? A Seahorse
- What animal likes to give a pig a ride on his back? A police horse.
- What's the difference between a someone from Texas and someone from Louisiana? One rides horses the other rides their cousins
- Some people asked why I love my horse more than I love my husband My horse don't say no when I want to ride him
Horse Stable Jokes
Here is a list of funny horse stable jokes and even better horse stable puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.
Sorry I'm high and it just came to me. - If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
I'll show myself out - Working with horses is hard but it's stable work.
- A toddler was recently hospitalized after swallowing several plastic horses Doctors now describe his condition as stable.
- Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in *stable* relationships!
- My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark It's becoming a night mare.
- Horse trainers have stable jobs.
- Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life? He had a stable job.
I guess uh.. I'll just leave - Do your horses smoke? No.
Well, then I think your stable is burning. - I divorced my wife and bought a horse... I'm finally in a stable relationship.
Uproarious Horse Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about horse you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean unicorn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make horse pranks.
It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive..
Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...
The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".
*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*
Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking?
He kept beating a dead horse.
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a balloon animal made out of a c**...?
A t**... horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thor
Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Studies have shown horses exposed to m**... are less stable and unsafe to ride.
So get off your high horse.
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
A Horse Walks into a Bar...
He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."
There is no reason to beat a dead horse
Unless it is flying United.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to be a necrophiliac z**... into b**....
Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
What happens to horses when the get hurt?
They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dear people who don't write capital letters,
We're the difference between helping your uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle j**... a horse" and "i helped my uncle j**... a horse".
Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
Stop with the Logan Paul jokes...
It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.
My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.
A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.
God asked Adam to name the animals
Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…
Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too
Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…
A blonde was touring a farm...
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm f**......'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're f**......''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He t**... his horse and entered a saloon
When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.
As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,
"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded,
"I had to walk home."
P.S. Sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Surgeons meet in a bar...
Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys a**... and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw
His child drew a horse.
The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."
The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"
The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"
The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"
The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wings."
The child replied, "Then why did you call it a horse?"
Tried translating a joke from Latvian.
John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.
"Well, I saw a giraffe."
"What's a giraffe?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but really tall and with a long neck."
"Okay, what else?"
"Zebra."
"Zebra?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but with stripes."
"Okay, what else then?"
"I saw a hippo. "
"What's that?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Like a horse, but big and fat."
"Hm. Okay. Anything else?"
"Yes... a crocodile."
"What's a crocodile?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing like one."
Where do you find a horse with no legs?
Where you left him.
Told to me today by a first grader.
A horse walks into a bar
And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
t**... isn't a good name for a c**....
Didn't the real t**... horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?
The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry! apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took ivermectin for a sore t**...
Because my doctor said only take it if I'm a little horse.
The Story of Creation as told by Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the a**..., and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the a**... before coming in? You got s**... all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achiless' Horse.
Uh oh, I've really opened a Pandora's Labyrinth here
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the a**... goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.
There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
A cowboy walks into a bar
"I'd like twenty martinis in a bucket."
"Why?"
"My horse likes them."
"This I've got to see."
The bartender mixes them up and they walk out to the horse. The horse puts his muzzle in and slurps them down.
The bartender says, "That's the damnest thing I ever saw. Come back in and I'll give you one on the house."
The cowboy says, "Nah. Thanks, but I've got to drive."
One of my mom's favorite jokes.
My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.
I said, You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.
Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.
This makes him the centaur for disease control.
The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.
"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.
As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom one last time.... only to see his most trusted knight, chasing after him, shouting.....
"IT'S THE WRONG KEY! IT'S THE WRONG KEY!"
A horse walks into a bar...
and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.
See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
*I'll fetch my coat of arms*
Dude 1 and his two friends are talking at a bar - talking about their wives..
Dude 1 says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
Dude 2, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine."
Dude 3, says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Pull
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
A man woke up at 5:55 AM.
He opened the front door to get his morning paper and found a nickel next to it.
He opened the paper to the sports section, and noticed that the fifth horse in the fifth race was named Nickel.
He went to the track and put $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race…
...and watched him finish fifth.
What do you call a horse with good mental health?
Stable
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your father in law is so bad at chess...
he traded a queen for a horse.
