Uproarious Horse Jokes to Share with Friends
A horse walked into a bar
Bartender: Hey
Horse: Yes please
It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive..
Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...
The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".
*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*
Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking?
He kept beating a dead horse.
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" p**...! The horse disappears.
Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?
In a stable environment.
Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.
I dreamt about a horse last night.
It turned out to be a night mare.
You can lead a horse to water,
but in Flint the water will be lead.
You can explore horse paso reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean horse snout dad jokes. There are also horse puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."
a man comes into a bar...
or was it a horse?
yeah i think it was a horse.
so a man comes into a horse....
What do you call a balloon animal made out of a c**...?
A t**... horse.
A horse walks into a bar...
"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from s**... in the City."
My horse was way more aggressive than usual today
it threw me off
So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse
So a man comes into a horse
Thor
Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
Which horse runs the city?
The mare, of course
What's worse than beating a dead horse?
Shooting a live gorilla
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
A Horse Walks into a Bar...
He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."
What do you call a homeless horse?
Unstable
If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face
Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
-
What's a vegan's favorite animal?
A high horse
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
What happens to horses when the get hurt?
They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.
A Horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.
The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.
See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I had a dream last night about an armored horse.
It was a Knight mare.
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
Dear people who don't write capital letters,
We're the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle j**... a horse" and "i helped my uncle j**... a horse".
Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
Stop with the Logan Paul jokes...
It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.
I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horse-pital.
Just kidding, they get shot.
A horse walks into a bar...
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.
If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.
I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...
But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!
A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please"
The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"
What does a s**... horse wear on its hooves?
Whoreshoes.
What do you feed a gay horse?
Haaaaaaayyy
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses
Oh how the stables have turned
A horse walks into a barn
A horse walks into a barn
The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"
God asked Adam to name the animals
Adam began to invent names, Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…
Then God said, You must name the sea animals, too
Adam was tired already, so he said, Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm f**......'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're f**......''
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He t**... his horse and entered a saloon
When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.
As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,
"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded,
"I had to walk home."
P.S. Sorry
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*p**...*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
A horse walks into a bar...
... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw
His child drew a horse.
The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."
The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"
The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"
The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"
The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wings."
The child replied, "Then why did you call it a horse?"
Mayo is a horse
Mayo Neighs
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The bartender says You know, you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don't think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.
See this was a joke about Descarte's famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus.
He said nope.
A horse walks into a bar
And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.
Not knowing Greek mythology is my biggest weakness
It's my Achilles horse
A horse walks into a bar.
Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!"
A horse went into a pub every night for a week.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
t**... isn't a good name for a c**....
Didn't the real t**... horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?
You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?
You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.
The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry! apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
I took ivermectin for a sore t**...
Because my doctor said only take it if I'm a little horse.
Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?
A: Get your drunk a**... off the merry-go-round!
Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face?
Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don't have stable income.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
A horse walks into a bar...
... the bartender said "You're in here a lot, I think you may be an alcoholic." The horse replied, "I don't think I am", and vanished.
See, this is a play on Descartes famous line "I think, therefore I am". I would have explained this before the joke, but that would have been putting Descarte before the horse.
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the a**..., and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the a**... before coming in? You got s**... all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achiless' Horse.
Uh oh, I've really opened a Pandora's Labyrinth here
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the a**... goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.
I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.
I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.
I said, You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.
Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.
This makes him the centaur for disease control.
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d\*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.
"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.
As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom one last time.... only to see his most trusted knight, chasing after him, shouting.....
"IT'S THE WRONG KEY! IT'S THE WRONG KEY!"
A horse walks into a bar...
and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.
See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
*I'll fetch my coat of arms*
Dude 1 and his two friends are talking at a bar - talking about their wives..
Dude 1 says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
Dude 2, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine."
Dude 3, says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often?
Half a horse.
People say horse girls are crazy…
…but I've always found them rather stable.
Pull
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
A man woke up at 5:55 AM.
He opened the front door to get his morning paper and found a nickel next to it.
He opened the paper to the sports section, and noticed that the fifth horse in the fifth race was named Nickel.
He went to the track and put $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race…
...and watched him finish fifth.
What do you call a castrated horse?
A Eunuchorn.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a glass of coke.
The bartender asks: "Would you like a straw"
"Yeah, straw, lots of straw".
What do you call a horse with the horn? A unicorn. What do you call a horse without the horn?
A eunuchorn.
A horse walks into a bar.......
The bartender asks "hey, why the long face? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" and promptly disappears.
You see, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement "I think, therefore I am" and I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but *that would be putting Descartes before the horse*.
A White Horse Walks Into a Bar
A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a cocktail named after you!". "What?", says the horse, "Steve?".
\-heard from Alan Davies on Q.I.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin
And giraffes were born
What do horses do when they are not eating?
They are horsing around
Made up by my 5 year old daughter…
What do you get when you cross a female horse with a medieval warrior?
A Knightmare
