Horse Betting Jokes
39 horse betting jokes and hilarious horse betting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about horse betting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Horse Betting Short Jokes
Short horse betting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The horse betting humour may include short horse racing betting jokes also.
- I lost 25 pounds. Just want to say I lost 25 pounds and I'm proud of myself. The last time I was betting on horses I lost £ 100,-.
- I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'. Turns out it was a rubbish tip.
- My friend asked me to bet all my money on a horse called 'Landfill.' Turned out to be a rubbish tip.
- I went to the races yesterday. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
- Just went to the bookies to put a bet on a horse called "Dirty Carpet" it's never been beaten
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Horse Betting One Liners
Which horse betting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with horse betting? I can suggest the ones about horse racing and horse track.
- I lost all my money betting on horse races. Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can.
- What's the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet on it.
- Tesco reported a £6.4bn loss.. I guess that's what you get for betting on horses!
Cheerful Fun Horse Betting Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about horse betting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean horse races jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make horse betting pranks.
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
Tom and Larry go to the movies
Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Larry responds, "No way. I'll take that bet any day." Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, "you don't have to pay me. I'd already seen this movie, and now I feel bad about making the bet." Larry, looking very confused, replies, "well, so had I, but I didn't think he could do it again."
Physics joke
A man is interested in placing a bet on a horse race; only he's a smart, educated guy and doesn't want to blow his money on the wrong horse. He decides to consult a vet, a statistician an a physicist.
He goes to the vet. The vet examines the horses for a few minutes, then points to a horse and says: "this is the healthiest, strongest, horse. He'll probably win".
He then goes to the statistician. The statistician takes a couple of hours to analyze all the previous races of all contending horses. He takes into account the horse's nutrition, the weather, the day of the week, the number of spectators and many other factors. In the end, he points to a horse and says that, based on past performance, it has the highest probability of winning the race.
Finally, the man goes to a physicist. The physicist thinks for a few minutes and tells him he needs a few days to think it over. A day passes, then two days, then three. It's finally a day before the race and the bets have to be placed. But still there's no word from the physicist. The man decides he has to get an answer so he angrily calls the physicist himself. His reply? "listen, the problem you've given me was harder than I anticipated. By now, I only managed to solve it for a spherical horse in vacuum".
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
A husband was sitting at the table when his wife banged him over the head with a frying pan...
"What did you do that for?" He asked. The wife said, "I found this peace of paper with the name Mary Lou on it." He said, "Oh that's just the name of the horse I put a bet on."
The next day she banged him over the head again, this time with an even bigger frying pan. He said, "Good Lord, why did you do that again?" "Your horse just called." She said.
Marylou
One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
Frying pan..
A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? "
The man asked.
The wife replied:
"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man said:
"Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "
The wife apologized & went on with the housework.
3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan.
The man shouted in pain. .
"What was that for? "
Wife replied:
"Your horse phoned. "
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse...
He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
A horse enters a deli...
... and says "Give me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."
Without a word, the deli owner, standing behind the counter, gets to work on the grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish.
A while later, she presents him his meal. "Here's your grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."
The horse smiles, accepts the food, and asks her, "I bet you were surprised when you saw a horse enter the deli and order a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."
"Not really," she said. "I like it that way myself."
A wife slapped her husband...
A wife slapped her husband, and demanded to know who "Marilyn" was.
"Who is this woman?" The wife asked crossly, "I found this note in your pocket with her name on it."
"My dear wife, you are mistaken." The husband replied, with an innocent look,"Marilyn is the name of the horse in horse racing! My friend persuaded me to bet on her, because he believe that she will win in horse racing tomorrow." On the next morning, the wife slapped his husband again.
"What is it this time?" The husband asked, giving her a perplexed look.
"You horse named Marilyn has just called you."
So a farmer walks into a bar with a horse...
He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
7
I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o'clock. I thought this was strange but didn't think too much into it, that was until I hailed a taxi and, of course it was number seven as well. I got to thinking, how can I use this to my advantage? So I went to the local horse track, and in the seventh race of the day, there was a horse named Lucky Number Seven, so I placed my bet and wouldn't you know it,
He came in seventh.
Barry likes the number five.
He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.
One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.
It finished fifth.
Day at the Races
A priest is out at his congregation's Day at the Races annual event. Dressed in his collar, he was looking very Priestly.
Prior to Race 7, a track regular stops the priest as they are viewing the horses in the paddock.
Here we go again, he wants my blessing on his bet, the father predicts in his head.
Father, who -, the gamblers starts but is cut off by the priest.
My son, I can offer you a prayer to live by - God's will be done.
The man shot back, Godswillbedone, is that the name of the horse?
A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan
He clutches his head in pain asking her, Honey why? Why did you do that? She answers, When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman's name on it. He responds, That's why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that's the receipt for my bet. She accepts that and apologizes and they make up.
Next week the same thing happens, he comes home and is struck in the back of his head with a frying pan, the husband asks, AGAIN? You hit me in the head with a frying pan again, why?!
The wife looks at him and says, Your horse called.
A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.
He looks at his watch '7:07'. Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!
He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence .
He then drives back home and parks his car, only to realize his mileage is now at 77,777km. Ok this is it, it is my lucky day, I'm going to pick a horse and bet 7777$ on it in tonight's race. Easy money!
The horse finishes 7th.
A guy is relaxing on his chair watching TV when his wife comes up and smacks him over the head with a frying pan
A guy is relaxing on his chair watching TV when his wife comes up and smacks him over the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked
"I was doing your laundry and found piece of paper in your pocket with the name 'Dorothy' on it"
"I was at the track. That was to remind me what horse to bet on"
The next night, she hits him over the head again while he's watching TV.
"What was that for?" he asked
"Your horse just called"
7
One night I was dreaming the number 7, over an over. To my amazement, when I woke up it was 7 o'clock, on July the 7th. So I took the bus on line 7 straight to the racetrack and bet 7777$ on the 7th horse from the 7th round. It finished on 7th.
A man was sitting reading his Sunday newspaper
when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the horse races yesterday Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
A man is sitting in his easy chair watching the football game when his wife comes in and slaps him in the face.
He says, What was that for!
She says, I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket with the name Dorothy written on it!
The man says, oh that's just the name of the horse I was going to bet on
A week passes and the man is back in his easy chair watching another football game.
Wife walks into the living room and slaps him in the face again.
The man yells, what was that for!
She says, your horse just called...
A Genius
A British and an Irish were watching a movie. The hero of the film was riding on a galloping horse.
British, "It will fall off the horse ". But the Irish said it would never fall. Thy bet. Soon, the hero fell. British, didn't I say. But why were you so confident it wouldn't fall? Irish replied: Last night I watched this movie. I thought that the hero would not repeat the same mistake.
A wife his her husband with a rolling pin
A wife hits her Husband with a rolling pin, the husband says ouch! What was that for?
The wife then tells him I found a piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
The husband then tells her that Jenny was the name of the horse he put a bet on last week.
The wife apologises to him.
The next the wife hits her husband with a rolling pin.
The husband says ouch! What was that for?
The wife then says your horse is on the phone
4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train
They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".
Two farmers were betting on a horse race.
They put up some of their grain crops for the gamble. One of the farmers is better at math and so kept a tally. At the end of the day, the other farmer asked the first one if overall they had won or lost anything. The other one responded: "we lost, but just barley."
On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.
At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.
5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.
After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's that day. So, I hopped on the number 5 bus again and went to the race tracks.
I paid $55 for my seat at the race tracks, which was seat 5, row E, section 5 of the stadium.
I bet $500 on the number five horse in race 5 (which happened at 5:00 PM). And you know what happened?
>!He came in 5th.!<
A physicist tries betting on horse races
The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical horses of uniform density applying a uniform force in a closed system and a vacuum."
