Hors Jokes

What does a horse and kryptonite have in common?

They both paralyze superman

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

To which the horse replies "I have testicular cancer".

There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...

...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar...

...and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
And the horse replies, "I'm finally starting to realize that my alcoholism is tearing my family apart,"

A horse walks into a triangular bar of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.

"Y, the long face."

Why did the horse run into the bar?

He didn't jump high enough.

Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

Because they're all in *stable* relationships!

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"

A horse walks into a church...

Priest says, 'Why the long face?'
Horse replies, 'evolution'.

"Five Horses Is Her Name"

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

A horse walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says "are you feeling all right?" The horse replies,"I don't think I am," *p**...* the horse disappears. This is of course a joke referencing the famous quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained this ahead of time but I didn't want to put *Descartes* before the horse.

Horse trainers have stable jobs.

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "You come here a lot; are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders this for a moment and says, "I don't think I am."
p**...! The horse disappears.
At this point, a psychology student would begin to snicker because he knows about the Descartes postulate, "I think therefore I am."
I could have told you about that at the beginning of the joke, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Why can't horses vote?

'Cause their answer is always 'nay'.
I'm sorry, I'll leave...

A horse walks into a bar...

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from s**... in the City."

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today

it threw me off

A horse walks into a bar and says, On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?

The bartender says, Y, the long face.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

Which horse runs the city?

The mare, of course

So a horse walks into a bar...

So a horse walks into a bar. The barkeep seems to know that the horse frequently goes to bars, and he asks the horse, "Aren't you an alcoholic by now?"
The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears, seemingly into thin air.
See, the joke here is based on Rene Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", however, explaining that part first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A Horse Walks into a Bar...

He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

A horse walks into a bar

Oh, sorry it was a woman. Let me start over.
A horse walks into a woman.

How do you get down from a horse?

You can't... You can only get down from a goose

What did the horse say when it fell over?

Help I've fallen and I can't giddyup

Horseshoes look more like sandals than shoes...

They should be called Clip Clops.

A Horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey!" The horse replies, "You read my mind!"

What happens to horses when the get hurt?

They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.
The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.
See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

Do your horses smoke?

No.
Well, then I think your stable is burning.

I have a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.



Just kidding, they get shot.

There's a horse in our front yard!

Husband says to his wife. Honey look out the window, there is a horse in the front yard. She replies: that's no horse, that's a cow! Honey, I said look out the window, not in the mirror.

A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.
If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.
I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...
But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

Why are horses so pessimistic?

Because they're Naysayers

A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please"

The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

And this is my horse, Mayo

Mayo: *neighs*

A horse walks into a barn

A horse walks into a barn
The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, Hey!
The horse says, You read my mind, buddy.

If horse racing is the "sport of kings"

is drag racing the sport of queens?

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*p**...*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

He finished it, and the bartender asks if he wants another one. The horse replies I think not and disappears.
This joke is normally told with Rene Descartes as the subject, but to tell you that one first is to put Descartes before the horse.

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare

Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Why the long face?"
"Ha, ha, very funny," says the horse. "But I gotta say, today was not a good day. Injured my leg out, on the racetrack. My career's probably finished."
Bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a gun, and shoots the horse.
Then he feels sorry for him, says "Tell ya what, buddy. That round is on the house."

A horse walks into a bar...

... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.
​
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

What happens when a horse dies on a racetrack?

All the other racers beat a dead horse.

where do horse goes when they get sick

to the horsepital
jk they get shot

I have a horse named Mayo

and sometimes mayo neighs

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and p**... he disappears.
This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate,
" I think therefore I am."
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

"Because I have a crippling addiction to alcohol." says the horse.

A horse walks into a bar

.. and just like that my Olympic Equestrian Show Jumping dream was over. Thanks a lot you s**... horse.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says You know, you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don't think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.
See this was a joke about Descarte's famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Why don't horses use the internet?

They can't find stable connections.

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.

A horse walks into a bar.

He orders a shot of whiskey and a beer.
The bartender says Why the long face?
The horse replies My alcoholism is destroying my family.

A horse walks into a bar

"Hey" the bartender said, "Sure" said the horse

How do you keep a horses a**... from talking?

Suspend his Twitter account

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey!
Horse: Sure

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, s**... on the floor and leaves.

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, Are you an alcoholic?
The horse replies, I don't think I am. The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.
Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition Cogito ergo sum , or I think, therefore I am. If this was to be explained at the start of the joke though, it wouldn't work. It would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar

When he approaches the bar, the bartender said "Hey"
The horse said, "Nah, just beer please. I just ate"

A horse walks into a bar.

Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!"

A horse went into a pub every night for a week.

The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks in to a bar...

The bartender greets him, and says "You've been coming in here a lot. Do you think you might have a drinking problem?"
The horse pauses for a minute and says, "I think not."
And immediately disappears.
​
See, this joke plays on the famous Rene Descartes philosophical quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained that first, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar ...

The bartender says "why the long face?"
The horse, not understanding English, s**... on the floor and leaves.

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital!
Ha ha, just kidding. It goes behind the shed

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.
"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!" I hear that everywhere I go."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your
life?"
The horse responds with, "Stable."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

What did the horse say the first time they saw a zebra?

That horse has been to prison.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face?

Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don't have stable income.

I have a horse named Mayo

I have a horse named Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.

A horse walks into a bar...

... the bartender said "You're in here a lot, I think you may be an alcoholic." The horse replied, "I don't think I am", and vanished.
See, this is a play on Descartes famous line "I think, therefore I am". I would have explained this before the joke, but that would have been putting Descarte before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar…

bartender says you come in here an awful lot. are you sure you're not an alcoholic?
the horse replies i don't think i am and then promptly vanishes.
you see, this was based on descartes' famous line i think, therefore i am but i couldn't explain that before the rest of the joke because
that would be putting descartes before the horse

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.
The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"
"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested on people."