Hors Jokes

What does a horse and kryptonite have in common?

They both paralyze superman

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar. The other customers promptly get up and leave, seeing the potential danger in the situation

So a horse walks into a bar..

and a duck walks into a bar
and a buffalo walks into a bar
and a cucumber walks into a bar
and a tomato walks into a bar...
and the bartender says "Alright, what is this? Some kind of joke?"

There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...

...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

Why did the horse run into the bar?

He didn't jump high enough.

Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

Because they're all in *stable* relationships!

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"

A horse walks into a church...

Priest says, 'Why the long face?'
Horse replies, 'evolution'.

A horse moved next door to me yesterday.

I heard that they make good neighbors.

"Five Horses Is Her Name"

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Horse trainers have stable jobs.

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Why can't horses vote?

'Cause their answer is always 'nay'.
I'm sorry, I'll leave...

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today

it threw me off

Which horse runs the city?

The mare, of course

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender confuses jokes with idioms, and offers the horse water but can't make it drink.

A Horse Walks into a Bar...

He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

A horse walks into a bar

Oh, sorry it was a woman. Let me start over.
A horse walks into a woman.

All the King's Horses, and all the King's Men, couldn't put Humpty together again.

But really, the horses weren't being all that helpful.

How do you get down from a horse?

You can't... You can only get down from a goose

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

"Because alcoholism has destroyed my life and my family. Let me get your rail whiskey."

What did the horse say when it fell over?

Help I've fallen and I can't giddyup

Horseshoes look more like sandals than shoes...

They should be called Clip Clops.

What do horses eat at a rave?

Oats Oats Oats Oats

I think my horse is a blacksmith.

I slapped him on the backside and he made a bolt for the door.

What happens to horses when the get hurt?

They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.

Where do horses like to hang out?

In the neigh-bourhood.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

Did you know that horses are monogamous?

They prefer stable relationships.

Do your horses smoke?

No.
Well, then I think your stable is burning.

76% of horses prefer running to walking ...

According to a recent gallop poll.

"Um."

--- First horse that got ridden

Horse race

A man has a racehorse who never won a race.
Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."
The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING"
The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."

Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.



Just kidding, they get shot.

There's a horse in our front yard!

Husband says to his wife. Honey look out the window, there is a horse in the front yard. She replies: that's no horse, that's a cow! Honey, I said look out the window, not in the mirror.

I tried horse racing once, but I fell at the first fence.

I might have done better if I had a horse

A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please"

The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

The horse goes into the hardware shop...

The horse goes into the hardware shop.
Horse: I would like to have a pound of bread!
Clerk: sorry but we have only pink.
Horse: no problem I came with bike.

A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the bouncer, "Seriously, Frankie, why are we even paying you?"

If horse racing is the "sport of kings"

is drag racing the sport of queens?

Horse committee is shutting down

Too many neighsayers.

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare

The horse joke - translated

From Bosnia (with love)
A horse walks through a corn field and smokes a cigarette. A cigarette falls and lights a field. The corn starts to pop, and the popcorn is now all over the field.
The horse thinks it is snowing and freezes.

Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Why the long face?"
"Ha, ha, very funny," says the horse. "But I gotta say, today was not a good day. Injured my leg out, on the racetrack. My career's probably finished."
Bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a gun, and shoots the horse.
Then he feels sorry for him, says "Tell ya what, buddy. That round is on the house."

Where does a horse go when he gets a little too tipsy?

The stable.

What happens when a horse dies on a racetrack?

All the other racers beat a dead horse.

How much for that horse tornado?

Sir, that's a carousel
I must have it

Why don't horses use the internet?

They can't find stable connections.

Why did the horse cross the road?

Because the chicken needed a day off.

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.

Why are horses always so negative?

Because they are neigh sayers.

The four horsemen were riding across the world, when Death decided to hit on Pestilence.

He looks over at Pestilence, and with a tip of his cloak, says "M'alady."

How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes?

Using the syrups.

In the horse world, how do you end up with millions?

Start with billions...
My family owns a horse. This joke hits a little too close to home.

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.
Lol jks, they get shot.

A horse walks into a bar.

Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!"

Why did the horse get kicked out of the Barnhouse Union?

Because he always voted neigh.

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!
Cr

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.
"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!" I hear that everywhere I go."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your
life?"
The horse responds with, "Stable."

What did the horse say the first time they saw a zebra?

That horse has been to prison.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face?

Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don't have stable income.

Why doesn't the horse go to the ICU?

Because he's in a stable condition.

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender asks, Are you singing karoake tonight?
Horse replies, Neigh, I don't like being the centaur of attention.

This never gets old

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face"

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

What did the horse say about his mouthpiece?

I don't like this one bit

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.
The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"
"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested on people."

You know why there's Four Horsemen in the Apocalypse?

Because they can't afford any gasoline!

Horses are awesome during the day.

But then, they become night-mares.