Horror Jokes
148 horror jokes and hilarious horror puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about horror that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh -- and be chilled to the bone! Dive into a world of horror jokes that combine the thrill of a horror movie with the joy of a horror comedy. We'll have you screaming with laughter while at the same time being terrified. Don't miss this unique and thrilling experience, come join us today!
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- Short Horror Jokes
- Horror One Liners
- Horror Movie Jokes
- Horror Story Jokes
- Horror Film Jokes
- More Horror Jokes
Funniest Horror Short Jokes
Short horror jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The horror humour may include short nightmare jokes also.
- I've just started to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.
- A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run! His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape
- If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
- I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen… I can feel it…
- Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie? Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
- I've been reading a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen.
I can feel it. - A fool proof way to never feel lonely. If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.
- Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game? Cuz you know something's about to go down.
Im sorry - Started teaching myself braille by reading a horror story. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
- I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie... But I was too scared to come.
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Horror One Liners
Which horror one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with horror? I can suggest the ones about horrific and spooky.
- I'm reading a horror story in Braille Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it - Curiosity killed the... ...white people in horror movies.
- Did you hear about the Mime Murders? It was an unspeakable horror
- What do horror movies and printer ink have in common? The black one always dies first.
- What do you call a group of accordions? A squeezebox of horrors.
- Me trying to impress a girl Girl: I'm Into horror movies
Me: My dad's a serial killer - I watched a horror movie about pogo sticks. Too many jump scares.
- Why do cows never walk out of horror movies? They're able to stomach a lot.
- Been reading a horror book in Braille Somthing bad is going to happen, I can feel it!
- One sentence horror story: "Seems like we're the last two people left on Earth, m'lady"
- What's Gollum's favourite horror movie? The Ring
- What horror villain is best at saving money? Pennywise
- What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime? A Ouijaboo.
- What's red and caused horror among Game of Thrones fans? Ed Sheeran.
- I'm working on a script for a horror movie. It's called *my diary*
Horror Movie Jokes
Here is a list of funny horror movie jokes and even better horror movie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you cure loneliness? Watch a horror movie by yourself in a dark room. The feeling will soon go away.
- If you're feeling lonely, dim the lights and watch a good horror movie. By the end of it, you won't feel like you're alone anymore.
- A man screams at his TV, "No, you idiot! Don't walk into the chapel!" "Horror movie?" his wife asks from the kitchen.
"No," he replies, "Our wedding video." - If you ever feel lonely Just watch a horror movie in the dark, you won't feel lonely anymore
- You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
- Difference between Romantic and Horror Movie After watching a romantic one, you look for your teddy to hug.
After watching a horror one, your teddy starts looking at you - What's an Alzheimer patient's favorite horror movie? The Blair...Which project?
[Made my roomie laugh at least] - How to not feel alone Step 1: wait until its 1 am
Step 2: dim the lights
Step 3: watch a horror movie
Step 4: enjoy the feeling of not feeling alone! - I was watching a horror movie about the Apocalypse. It took me 5 minutes to realise I was on the news channel.
- I recently watched a North Korean horror movie It turned out to be a documentary.
Horror Story Jokes
Here is a list of funny horror story jokes and even better horror story puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard a horror story involving a camera and window blinds. I shutter at the thought of it.
- Not sure what to watch tonight.... American Horror Story on FX or the one on ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, CNBC and MSNBC.
- Shortest horror story Wife: "Honey, Let's go shopping"
- Two words terrifying horror story Gucci Gang
- Everyone's the protagonist of their own story... I just have crippling depression because I'm a horror novelist
- American Horror Story is on tonight! And will be every night for 4 to 8 years.
- AHS and the presidential debate are both on tonight. I guess that means there's two different American horror stories tonight then.
- A four word horror story G-Guy Fieri, she moaned.
- Where are you from? "Castle Rock, Maine"
"I've heard horror stories about that place." - What are filipinos horror stories? Crispy Pata
Horror Film Jokes
Here is a list of funny horror film jokes and even better horror film puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man was watching TV at home He said out loud "Run you idiot!"
His wife heard him and asked "Are you watching a horror film?"
He responded "Nah. Just our wedding tape." - I like watching horror films behind the sofa. That way my neighbours don't know I'm there.
- Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films. It follows It Follows.
- What do you get when you cross a horror film with a reality TV show? The evening news
- New horror film inspired by Facebook I liked what you did last summer.
- If Michael Jackson were a slasher in a horror film who would he be? Jason VorHEE-HEEs.
- Horror film director George A Romero has died… Give him a few minutes...
- "My girlfriend had a seizure during a horror film last night," I told the doctor. "Was it traumatic?" he asked.
I said, "Not really, but there were a few jump scares." - A paraplegic gets hired to play a lead role in a horror film The Silence of The Limbs
- Today I watched a horror film. An OSHA instruction video.
Unearthly Funniest Horror Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about horror you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fear jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make horror pranks.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
I brought my vegetarian girlfriend home for dinner...
...and my grandmother served us all, including my girlfriend, a very juicy, very much still hanging on the bone, rack of lamb. My girlfriend was looking at me in horror, whilst I took my gran aside.
"Didn't I tell you she was a vegetarian?" I asked.
She replied "oh yes dear, I checked with the butcher and he said the sheep he sells only eat grass!"
The only joke I've ever heard from my mother
my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)
Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."
Horror at the zoo
A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says
*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*
The man responds, *What happened?*
*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*
The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*
Horrors of poverty
I've been around, you know. I've seen some of the poorest slums where children are starving and disease is rampant. Let me tell you, you've not seen anything, *anything* like it, until you've seen it in high-definition plasma!
A boy is making sure a microphone works for an open bar stand up night.
Aa boy, not much older than 12 or 13, comes up to the mic and says
"Ice, ice, icicle".
"Pop, pop, popsicle".
"Test," and the crowd stares in horror as the inevitable is going to happen.
"Test, testing one two three"
So a man gets back from a holiday.
and he's showing his family a photo album. He gets to one picture and says, look this is a little monkey called a macaque, and it's diet consists mostly of c**.... His family is somewhat impressed and enjoy the cute picture.
The man then says "Well if you liked that, you'll love these!" turns the page and the family let out cries of disgust and horror. surprised, the man says "What? it's just another picture of a crab eating macaque."
"Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?", Mrs Mary asked.
"I know! I know!", Little Johnny said with vigour, " they go behind the bushes in the playground!"
"Please little Johnny, mind what you say"
"Oh its true Mrs Mary!", voiced Susan enthusiastically, "T.J took me there and showed me his w**...."
The teacher gasped in horror as T.J smiled mischievously.
"Oh, it was like a peanut it was!"
"Hah, so it was tiny?", the teacher relieved, asked.
"No, salty!"
the papal visit
the pope visited Glasgow during his visit he went to the Royal infirmary. He went to the ward where seriously ill patients were cared for. The first patient could not walk, the pope blessed him and he got up and walked, the second patient could not see after the blessing his sight was restored, the third patient shrunk back in horror. He shouted get back don't touch me I'm on motability.
When I die...
When I die, I hope it is peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in horror like his passengers.
Why do we all marry?
Why do we all marry? - because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, t**..., suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!
What is a geeks favorite horror novel?
Information Technology by Stephen King
If you're sad & lonely
If you're sad, lonely & home alone always watch good horror movie & you will feel someone's presence with you.
What is a surfer guy's favorite horror movie?
Saw duude!
I had s**... with a p**... in a clown costume before Stephen King wrote that horror novel.
In a pro pre-It.
Why are horror movies involving camping so scary?
They are in tents.
I recently had s**... with a girl who I thought I was legal age
A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old"
No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.
Imagine a horror movie about going camping...
It would be in tents O_O
A man sadly became blind.
The doctor said "Conventional medicine offered no cure, BUT! I believe I can cure you by replacing your eyes with cheese!
The man gasped in horror, but was convinced he had no other option, so he said yes.
After the operation, the man opened his eyes. The doctor asked "How's your vision now?" The man answered "Not perfect, but gouda'nough!"
Horror movies are always much tamer when I watch them on my iPhone
I have it set to Do Not Disturb
What do you call a generic horror movie where nothing happens?
A filler thriller.
I saw a girl busking today.
She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.
Drunk driving
A drunk guy was driving home on the wrong side of the road. His wife saw the scene live on TV and in horror rushed to call him: "Hello?! Are you driving home? Be careful, there is a madman driving on the wrong side of the road!". He replies: "I know, there isn't only one, there are hundreds!".
If you're feeling lonely tonight, don't worry. Just watch a horror movie.
You won't be feeling lonely for long...
Horror movies are like a box of chocolates
The dark ones always go first
Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel
Jane Scare
Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence
Wuthering Flights
(I do apologise for this)
A woman goes to a fortune teller
A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."
A plane hits a flock of ducks and begins to fall out the sky.
The people on the plane start screaming in horror in their final moments. This one beautiful wan suddenly stands up, tears open her shirt and says "I can die like this. Who's man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time."
A man stands up a few rows back. Pops his button up shirt off and holds it out for the woman. "Here. Iron this"
If genres were flavors SCI-FI would be sour, Fantasy would be sweet, Horror would be bitter, Mystery would be umami...
And Erotica would be salty.
Why did the young Chinese boy get frightened while covering his eyes at a horror movie?
He was Peking.
I love horror movies.
I'd know a good one if I Saw 1
I thought I'd surprise my new girlfriend after a recent movie talk we had. So, tonight when she came over, I had a Pornhub movie with a p**... scenario on. She saw it, told me to never talk to her again, and stormed out.
I am starting to think she told me she likes horror movies ...
My son was dating a girl, Stephanie, that I wasn't really fond of...
The last time he brought her over to the house, I said with a smile 'Hi there Amber!' She had a look of horror. 'Sorry, I can't keep all these girls' names straight' I said with a grin. I haven't seen her since!
The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.
Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.
Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.
Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?
Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...
I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day
With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.
I threw my mouse at the wall in anger
Everyone at the vet looked on in horror
Have you seen the horror movie about a bunch of campers that get killed?
It's in tents.
In another context, "Doom" could have been one of the scariest horror games of all time.
All you have to do is play one of the demons.
A man walks into a bar with a pineapple on his head.
The bartender looks at him quizzically and says Mate. Why the h**... do you have a pineapple on your head?! The man answers Oh, it's ok. I always wear a pineapple on my head on Tuesdays. The bartender says But it's Thursday... Upon hearing this the man's face changes to a look of abject horror and he says Oh God! I'm so embarrassed!!
My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with
Ourside of our marriage
She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability
Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!
However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face
And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the h**... are you going?!"
"I'm going round to see your sister," I said "good luck getting through to George Clooney's agent"
Two girls from Thailand asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said that it would be like winning the Lottery.
To my horror they were right, we had six matching b**....
A little old lady is late for work
And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischievously.
The old lady unsteadily gets to her feet, much to the priest's horror. "At your age?" He exclaims, "You should be ashamed!" The old lady swiftly retorts "Just because I don't have any teeth left doesn't mean I can't s**... on something from time to time!"
A zoo's only gorilla dies...
so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.
In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!
