Horrible Bad Jokes
39 horrible bad jokes and hilarious horrible bad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about horrible bad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Horrible Bad Short Jokes
Short horrible bad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The horrible bad humour may include short horribly bad jokes also.
- I was at a hockey game yesterday and I came up with this horrible joke. Why are women bad luck at hockey games? Because they never have good periods.
- Why are moms and dads of transgender kids bad jokers and horrible magicians? They're transparent.
- This subreddut is horrible at making jokes! Whoever makes these jokes is almost as bad at is as me. *budumchhhhhhhh*
- Did you hear about the guy who had a horrible drug problem and a really bad lisp? He was methed up
- I had a horrible nightmare that my Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime service all got interrupted. . Thank goodness it was only a bad stream
- A pirate had a horrible date. He's really going through a bad patch, he couldn't even unhook her bra.
- If you s**... at playing the trumpet... ...that's probably why.
My neighbor who had horrible jokes passed away this week. This was one of his favorites. Enjoy a good (bad) pun in his memory.
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Horrible Bad One Liners
Which horrible bad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with horrible bad? I can suggest the ones about horrible and terrible.
- Why did the Cell Tower Cafe get bad reviews? Because the service was horrible.
- TIFU by reading a TIFU I forgot they're always horrible.
Tl;dr: TIFU = bad
Horrible Bad Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about horrible bad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean terribly bad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make horrible bad pranks.
Conversation in Heaven.
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking; from the attic
and all the way down into the basement,
I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
Caught by a local tribe.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a p**..., cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a p**... for me please." The chief gives him a p**..., the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you s**... cannibal!
(my dad told me this one)
Two ladies meet in heaven
Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."
A woman meets her friend in heaven
She says Marge!! I didn't know you died! What Happened?"
"I froze to death"
"Oh my God! Was it horrible?"
"Not really I guess...I got real cold, got the shivers, then went numb. I just drifted off. But what about you? I didn't know you died"
"Yeah.crazy thing. I knew my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. He was just sitting there watching TV...but I knew she was there. I ran through all the bedrooms, looked in the closets, under the beds, ran up to the attic...checked the basement...and I had a heart attack!!"
Marge sighs..." Too bad you didn't check the freezer first. We'd both still be alive."
Good and bad news.
So there was a couple who had 3 kids. All three were horribly disfigured, but the couple decided to give it one last shot at a healthy baby. So, 9 months later, the husband is sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear the news. Soon, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket.
The husband says, "So how is he?"
The doctor says, "Well, I've got some good news and bad news"
"Oh god, tell me the good news first!"
So the doctor pulled back the blanket and the husband saw that his child was just one big eyeball.
The husband cries, "Oh god this is horrible! What could possibly be the bad news?!"
The doctor replies, "He's blind!!"
I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,
I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was s**... but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room
Even as a women, this is funny.
Lady goes to the Doctor, she looks horrible and stressed. The doctor asks "What's wrong?" She replies "Well, my husband has a bad temper and he likes to yell at me." He looks concerned and says "Next time, get a bottle of water and swish some in your mouth until he leaves." So she goes home, and to her demise he starts yelling, so she gets her bottle of water and starts swishing. He leaves the room. She comes back two weeks later looking better and refreshed. "Doctor! It worked! But you have to tell me, what's with the water?" Doctor looks over and says "It's not the water, it's keeping your mouth shut."
Yeah boy. x]
Psychic
Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the psychic delivered the bad news...
'There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.'
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, 'Will I get away with it?'
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.....
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual s**... all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having s**... with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.
It was all a big misunderstanding..
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "OK, but that's not so bad."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: " So what happened then? "
Farmer: " I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left . "
Man: "Again?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: " I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. "
Man: "And then?"
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, 1 sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the s**... cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
Man: "Hmmm..."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. "
Confusion at the hospital
Mrs. Smith had just gotten home from visiting her husband in the hospital. He had fallen ill and the doctors weren't sure what was wrong with him so they wanted to keep him at the hospital for observation. Mrs. Smith had just walked in the front door and was setting her purse down when the phone rang.
"Hello?" said Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, Mrs. Smith, this is Mary calling from the hospital. I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some worse news about your husband."
"Oh dear," said Mrs. Smith, "I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Well," said the nurse, "The bad news is that we got the test results back for your husband but there's been a bit of a mix-up. It seems that there's another patient at the hospital with the same name as your husband, Bob, and we're not sure which test result belong to which patient. One of the tests came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other test came back positive for AIDS."
"Oh my goodness," said Mrs. Smith, "Well that's horrible. What news could be worse than that?"
"The worse news is that we can't find your husband. He left his room and we're not sure where he went," said the nurse.
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What do you suggest we do?"
"Well," replied the nurse, "if your husband finds his way home, don't have s**... with him."
Did you hear about the Shaman?
He chose to walk the world barefoot which caused he feet to blister a thousand times over.
He ate only bugs and berries that he found in nature which caused him to became very frail.
This diet also caused him to be plagued with horribly bad breath.
He was known as the Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis.
Cajun good news and bad news
Thibodaux walks up to Boudreaux and says, "Boudreaux, I've got some good news and some bad news; which do you want to hear first?" Ol Boudreaux replies, "Told me the bad news, den the good news cheer me up!" "Well git holt of yourself; we found your wife, dead, floating down the bayou."
"Oh my ya!" Boudreaux cries. "Das horrible!!! What could possibly be de good news????"
Thibodaux replies, "Well, when we pulled her out the bayou, we found 4 or 8 blue crab on her.... We're gonna run her again in the morning!"
A man walks into the doctors office.
The nurse takes him to the examination room and leaves him in there. He sits down on the table and waits for the doctor. The doctor comes in and says to the man, " Mr. Johnson, we have the results of your test. I have some very bad news for you. You have cancer."
Mr Johnson says, " Oh my god! Cancer! How long do I have to live, doc?"
The doctor says, " I'm afraid you have 6 months to live. And unfortunately I have more bad news.
" Let me sit down for a minute. Okay what's the other bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
Mr Johnson says, " Alzheimer's disease! Oh no! That's horrible!" Mr Johnson thinks for a moment and says, " Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
A doctor comes in with some test results...
Doctor: "I've got bad news and horrible news, which one do you want first?"
Patient: "The horrible news."
Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "Oh no, what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "You have alzhemier's."
Patient: Well, at least I don't have AIDS."
Two Women Talking in Heaven
1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.
My mother is horrible at breaking bad news...
I came home one day and my mother looked distressed. She told me that she felt really terrible and that she'd been having an affair. She also told me that I couldn't tell dad.
"Why not?" I asked.
She replied, "Because he just passed away."
The cruise ship survivors
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual s**... all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having s**... with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.
A woman walks into Walmart
She's wearing very dirty clothes, smells bad and looks like she is in a horrible situation. She has 2 kids who look worse in her shopping cart
The store clerk says: Wow, are they twins?
Woman: No you idiot, they obviously look 2 years apart.
Clerk: Oh, they don't look alike. I just couldn't believe you had s**... twice.
A woman looks at herself in the mirror in disgust.
Woman: I feel really horrible. Look at me, old, fat and ugly. I think I have lost my charm.
Man: Hmmm, well it isn't all bad.
Woman: What do you mean?
Man: At least you have perfect eyesight.
[Long] A man gets a call that his wife has been in a horrible accident...
When he arrives at the hospital, the doctor meets him at the nurses station. The doctor says "well sir, I have some good news, and I have some bad news". The man was very distraught and couldn't think clearly, so he told the doctor "doctor, I can't decide, you pick". The Dr. nodded and motioned for the man to sit down. The doctor then said "Sir I'm afraid your wife will never be able to speak again..." The man nods, and lets out a deep sigh. He then says "ok doctor... now, what's the bad news?"
A small issue
A guy goes to the doctor: Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can't control.
Doctor: Ah come on, it's not so bad as you think.
Guy: Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!
The doctor comes in the room and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."
The bad news is you've got "HAGS".
"HAGS? What's that?"
"That's what we call it when you have h**..., AIDS, gonorrhea, and s**... all at the same time.
"Doc, that's horrible, what's the good news?"
"There is a special treatment regime for you. First, we give you your own private room, then we put you on a diet of pizza and pancakes."
"Pizza and pancakes? Doc, will that cure me?"
"Oh no, that's all we can fit under the door."
The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God
"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".
The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
Xi Jinping held a speech in front of the CCP. "Horrible news, comrades, not only is God real, he also told us the world is coming to an end in 20 years".
Trump tweeted "Great news everyone! God knows I'm important!"
My buddy was in a horrible accident.
After a horrible accident, my mate went to the hospital. His condition was so bad, that he could not speak nor walk for three years.
Yeah, man. Being born, it does something to a person.
Bad boss
My friend Monica confided in me today:
My boss is a horrible man. He says awful things to me.
If he does not take back his words,
seriously, I will pack my s**... and I will get the h**... out from there.
So I asked: What did he tell you?
She answer:
He told me that I have to pack my s**... and get the h**... out from there.
4th of July picnic
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your 4th of July picnic?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. Everyone came down with food poisoning," the guy replies. "I knew the hot dogs might have gone bad, but turns out the brats were the wurst."
A horse walks into a bar
And the bartender asked "why the long face?"
The horse said, well, it has been a really bad day. Around 10 years ago, I married a pony, the absolute love of my life. She just passed away at the hospital from t**... cancer. I'm on my way back home and I just came in for a few drinks to ease the pain.
The bartender felt horrible about the s**... joke he said earlier and apologized profusely.
The horse just shook his head and said don't worry about it. In all honesty, we should have caught the cancer much earlier. She was always a little horse.