Horoscope Jokes
30 horoscope jokes and hilarious horoscope puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about horoscope that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your day a little brighter with a few laughs from these hilarious horoscope jokes. Get up to speed on the Scorpio, Aries, Taurus, and Bisaya horoscope developments and dangers with a wry glance at the astrological cosmos. Whether you enjoy a side of humor with your stars or just need a few chuckles, these horoscope jokes deserve a read.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Horoscope Short Jokes
Short horoscope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The horoscope humour may include short astrology jokes also.
- My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!
- Today's Horoscope: "You are easily influenced by what you read and have the ability to make vague sentences somehow applicable to your own existence."
- I think horoscopes are a complete and utter waste of time. But, of course, I'm a Scorpio, and we are all skeptics.
- Why is the USA like a horoscope? Because it's always telling everyone else what to do, and it's nearly always wrong.
- Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope? Doctor: Once again, it's stethoscope.
- Pope Francis warns the public about the evils of Horoscope readings... Born: December 17, "Your ideas are abstract and don't always make reasonable sense."
What a Sagittarius thing to say... - I read my horoscope today... It said I was gonna come into some money... which is weird because I usually just come into a tissue...
- I used to write horoscopes for a living, but I got fired because every day for Cancer I'd just write, "Keep fighting."
- A dark joke made by me. A guy : Hey do you have cancer?
Other guy: yes i do.
A guy : Really?!?
Other guy : yes a horoscope
- What do you call a microscope that when you look through it you see really bad things? A horoscope.
Share These Horoscope Jokes With Friends
Horoscope One Liners
Which horoscope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with horoscope? I can suggest the ones about zodiac and astrology sign.
- My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me? Single.
- My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died... She got eaten by a giant crab
- There's a name for people that believe in horoscopes. They are called single women.
- You guys ever heard of a horoscope? It's like a telescope but it can only see your mom.
- How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope? It's probably cancer.
- My horoscope said the eclipse would bring great change Yesterday I found 82 cents
- I think horoscopes are absolute tosh. But you know me, typical Virgo.
- My horoscope said that I won't get along with Cancer... Nether do people in hospice care.
- My Proctologist does horoscopes which, I guess, makes him an Asstrologist.
- Horoscopes are the enemy of rational thought. They are a cancer to critical thinking.
- I don't believe in horoscopes I'm leo, we're skeptical.
- According to my horoscope... I'm never going to read my horoscope.
- Do you know what is really cancerous? **Horoscope**
- What do you call a s**... telescope? A horoscope.
Comical & Quirky Horoscope Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about horoscope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean astrological sign jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make horoscope pranks.
An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.
The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."
"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
"Fair enough, in that case tell me your star -sign." said the doctor.
The anti-vaxxer replied "My star sign is Cancer."
The doctor said "Well what a d**... coincidence..."
Met a girl that's into horoscopes
Her : I'm a Sagittarius, bet that already tells you a lot about me.
Me : So according to this website, would you say you're a curious, energetic person that wants to be a part of things rather than be a spectator?
Her : Mmmhm that's me to a T
Me : Congratulations you're an Aries.
Will the ex pop up again?
A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What have you been up to today?" the bartender asks. "Funny you should ask. My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today," the gal says. "I've been down at the river all day, and luckily, no sign of him so far."
Reading the horoscope.
Reading the horoscope that her favorite female magazine publishes, a lady said in a sorry tone to her husband:
- Oh! This is s**...! This is s**...!
- What is it?
- If you were born only a day earlier, you would be intelligent, brave and passionate.
