Horoscope Jokes

Funniest Horoscope Short Jokes

Short horoscope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The horoscope humour may include short astrology jokes also.

1. Today's Horoscope: "You are easily influenced by what you read and have the ability to make vague sentences somehow applicable to your own existence."
2. I think horoscopes are a complete and utter waste of time. But, of course, I'm a Scorpio, and we are all skeptics.
3. Why is the USA like a horoscope? Because it's always telling everyone else what to do, and it's nearly always wrong.
4. Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope? Doctor: Once again, it's stethoscope.
5. Pope Francis warns the public about the evils of Horoscope readings... Born: December 17, "Your ideas are abstract and don't always make reasonable sense."
   What a Sagittarius thing to say...
6. I read my horoscope today... It said I was gonna come into some money... which is weird because I usually just come into a tissue...
7. I used to write horoscopes for a living, but I got fired because every day for Cancer I'd just write, "Keep fighting."
8. A dark joke made by me. A guy : Hey do you have cancer?
   Other guy: yes i do.
   A guy : Really?!?
   Other guy : yes a horoscope
   ​
9. What do you call a microscope that when you look through it you see really bad things? A horoscope.
10. My grandma's horoscope changed She was Taurus.
    When she got older, she became Saggy-tarius.

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Horoscope One Liners

Which horoscope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with horoscope? I can suggest the ones about zodiac and astrological sign.

1. My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me? Single.
2. My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died... She got eaten by a giant crab
3. You guys ever heard of a horoscope? It's like a telescope but it can only see your mom.
4. How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope? It's probably cancer.
5. My horoscope said the eclipse would bring great change Yesterday I found 82 cents
6. I think horoscopes are absolute tosh. But you know me, typical Virgo.
7. My horoscope said that I won't get along with Cancer... Nether do people in hospice care.
8. My Proctologist does horoscopes which, I guess, makes him an Asstrologist.
9. Horoscopes are the enemy of rational thought. They are a cancer to critical thinking.
10. I don't believe in horoscopes I'm leo, we're skeptical.
11. According to my horoscope... I'm never going to read my horoscope.
12. There's a name for people that believe in horoscopes. They are called single women.
13. Do you know what is really cancerous? **Horoscope**
14. What do you call a s**... telescope? A horoscope.

Comical & Quirky Horoscope Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about horoscope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean zodiac sign jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make horoscope pranks.