Horizon Jokes
46 horizon jokes and hilarious horizon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about horizon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make Horizon Jokes your source for witty one-liners and punchlines about Horizon Zero Dawn, Horizon Forbidden West, Forza Horizon, Event Horizon, and more! Laughs with a vast perspective, so you can crack yourself up while gazing at distant skies.
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Funniest Horizon Short Jokes
Short horizon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The horizon humour may include short cliff jokes also.
- The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon... ... it was the crack of dawn.
- Two cowboys looking at the desert horizon and a bunch of indians appear coming towards them... -Are they enemies or friends?
-They are obviosly friends, they are coming altogether. - How I know the World is NOT flat You can see the curve in a plane's chem trail as it approaches the horizon.
- Bring Me the Horizon gets thrown into the ocean... Do they sink or swim? Or simply disappear?
- NASA's New Horizons probe has shown that Pluto is a remote, hostile, and barren planet... this means it's now the front-runner to be awarded the next Fifa World Cup.
- On January 1, 2019, New Horizons will fly by a small, frozen world in the Kuiper Belt called Imndan, which orbits a billion miles beyond Pluto. This small frozen world is a stereotypical red dot.
- A married couple and their two kids were out sailing... when the father looked and saw a terrible storm brewing on the horizon. The situation was a bit four boating.
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Horizon One Liners
Which horizon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with horizon? I can suggest the ones about perspective and vista.
- After crossing which line in Siberia, can you no longer escape it? The evenk horizon
- I saw a girl in the distance, she had horizon me
- I want to broaden my horizon But none of the ladies would let me.
- What do you call a pair of male children dipping below the horizon? A son set.
- New horizons takes picture of Pluto. What does Pluto say? "ewww delete it"
Cheerful Fun Horizon Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about horizon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soil jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make horizon pranks.
The Fearsome Pirate
The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."
The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."
The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies "Arr, if I am shot and the crew sees that I'm bleeding they're liable to be afraid."
The first mate admires the captain's bravery, so he goes off to the captain's quarters to fetch his jacket. Once he comes above deck to find the captain, however, he realizes that just visible on the horizon is an enormous armada of ships - hundreds and hundreds of Royal Navy vessels coming towards them from every possible direction. They are completely surrounded.
The captain whispers to him:
"Aye, matey, find me brown pants."
Captain of a Ship..
Captain of a Naval ship spots pirates on the horizon, He calls the men to arms and asks "Quick men, Bring me my red shirt." Just before they encounter the pirates he puts on the Red Shirt, they fight, the win the battle.
That night while celebrating the victory some of the crew members ask the Captain "Why do you always wear the red shirt into battle?"
"Well, If the worst should happen and i get wounded, i do not want my men to see me weak, so i wear a red shirt so no one can see me bleed." the captain responded.
'Wow' they thought, our captain is really a great leader.
A few days later as they searched, they came across a fleet of pirate ships, dozens over dozens of pirate ships. Worse, the pirates were headed their way. The Captain called they to arms and say "Quick men, bring me my brown pants."
Display of courage in House of Leaves.
From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:
I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."
A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the captain and his crew were victorious.
The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.
Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."
2 Mexicans were walking through the desert...
It'd been more than a week since either of them had eaten anything, and their last bottle of water had just gone dry. They'd been walking for hours on end.
Suddenly on the horizon, one of the Mexican's spotted something. 'Look over there my friend, you see the green thing?'
His friend replies 'The thing with pink stuff on it'
Through the air a delicious salty, meaty aroma hit both their noses. They could see a large green, leafy shape in the distance, with pink slivers of what looked like greasy meat hanging from it.
'Yeah man, and you can smell it too!, amigo eetz a bacon tree!'
'AMIGO EETZ A BACON TREE! WE'RE SAVED!'
The Mexican who had first spotted the bacon tree on the horizon suddenly ran, as fast as his legs could carry him towards the plant in in the distance. When all of a sudden...
BANG! BANG! BANG! - Gunshots fired out, as if from nowhere
The other Mexican, who had not had the energy to run looked on to his friend, who lay bleeding and dying from his wounds
Barely able to mouth the words through lack of water the Mexican cried out to his dying friend. 'Amigo, what happened?'
With his last breath the dying Mexican warned his partner...
'Amigo, eetz no bacon tree, eetz a Ham Bush!'
Brave Captain Smith
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."
The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"
A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon
... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.
The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.
The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"
So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...
... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"
After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.
Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies "Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!"
The cabin boy thinks that's pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.
The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down "Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Bring me my brown pants!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Armenian Radio
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.
Then, what is a horizon?
We're answering: Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.
**And another one for good measure.**
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?
Both guarantee freedom of speech.
We're answering: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.
An admiral and his fleet are out at sea during war
An admiral at the head of his fleet is scanning the horizon for the enemy ships he's looking to destroy. Seeing them crest the horizon, he tells his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt."
"Why, Sir?"
"If I am wounded in the fight, and the men see me bleeding, they may lose heart. If I wear my red shirt into battle, that cannot happen. Now, bring me my red shirt!"
"Yes, sir!"
The Admiral continues to scan the horizon, and sees there are in fact ten times as many enemy ships as his own fleet has. The first mate returns with the red shirt. The Admiral turns to him and says,
"Bring me my brown pants."
Finnish joke where a competition between a finn, a swede and a norwegian ends in a tie.
So a finn, a swede and a norwegian are drinking and boasting on a shore of a large lake. They decide that the way to decide who is strongest is for them to swim to the opposite shore somewhere behind the horizon and see who is the fastest.
The swede goes first but drowns after 1/3 of the way. The finn and the norwegian don't see the drowning so they decide that the norwegian shoud go next. The norwegian gets to 2/3 of the way but then, all his strenght depleted drowns like the swede. The finn waits on the shore for a while to see a sign of either of them but then decides that even though they have probably already on the opposite shore celebrating their victory he too will try to brave the distance. The finn swims and swims untill he is only 40 meters from the goal but then feeling tired and defeated, he decides that he can't do it and swims back to the start.
The Captain's Pants
The Captain of a ship was standing on deck when his lookout called down "Captain! I see 1 ship on the horizon!" The Captain prepared the crew for battle and called to his first mate "Bring me my red pants! If I get hit I don't want my men to know! I want them to keep fighting!" The battle was long and hard won by the captain and his men. They were standing on the damaged deck when the look out called down "Captain! I see 10 ships on the horizon!" The Captain turned to his first mate and said "Bring me my brown pants."
A pirate ship is voyaging at sea.
First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle!
Captain: Bring me my red shirt!
The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed.
First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle?
Captain: Well, if I were to get shot during battle, the red shirt would disguise the blood and you would continue with the battle.
First mate: Wow, that is very honorable. Captain there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon!
Captain: Bring me my brown pants!
A Brit visits America
A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.
"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"
The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."
The Brit is somewhat puzzled, but after the farmer explains, he laughs uproariously. "Well done, sir, well done!"
When he returns to the UK, a friend asks him what Americans are like. "Oh, they have a jolly good sense of humour. When I asked a farmer what he does with all of his maize, do you know what he said?"
"We consume what we are able, and what we are not, we tin."
Why was the horizontal plane judged in Germany?
It was x-axis
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So two guys are wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree...
So there's two guys wandering through a desert, searching for water. o**... is a little ahead of the other one and they are walking in a line. After a few hours of wandering, the first guy sees a dark shape on the horizon. He points it out and says, "Dude, I think I see something!" And the first guy starts running towards it, and the closer he gets he realizes what he saw was a giant tree. But the tree was made entirely out of BACON. Every tree limb, every leaf, made from bacon. And so the guy is like "Dude, there's a BACON TREE!" And he starts running towards the tree. But as he gets closer he starts getting pelted with rocks from every direction, and he has no idea where they are coming from. So he turns around and yells to the other guy, "Turn back! It's not a Bacon tree-- IT'S A HAM-BUSH!"
a young lady in a purity group is on a flight that crashes in the desert...
as she's wandering she sees an oasis off the horizon! as she's running to it she comes across two men.
they speak little English but understand enough to know what happened to her. so, one of the men offers her his canteen of water.
she says "oh bless you! but I cannot accept, god has provided me an oasis over the horizon!"
he tries to offer her again but she refuses, says a prayer, and runs off out of sight.
one of the men asks the other, "did she take of your water?"
and he says "no, I think she's saving herself for mirage."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Tale of Two Whales
A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That was too easy." The guy whale says, "Alright, I dare you to eat all of the sailors floating in the water." The girl whale responds with, "No! I agreed to the b**..., but I refuse to s**... the s**...."
A captain and his crew...
A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."
The Captain of a warship is awoken by one of his officers
The Officer yells,
"Sir there is an enemy ship on the horizon!"
The Captain is quiet for a moment and then says,
"Bring me my red shirt."
The Officer is surprised by this,
"Your red shirt sir?"
The Captain nods,
"yes, so if I am wounded in battle the men shall not notice!"
They win the day and sink the enemy, but the next morning the Officer awakens the Captain again,
"Sir the entire enemy fleet is on the horizon!"
The Captain is quiet for a moment then in a soft voice he says,
"bring me my brown pants."
Two fish are in a tank...
...And one fish says "you man the guns, I'l drive!"
(laugh track)
Suddenly, the fish points to the horizon and says "What is that over there?" The other fish then exclaims "That's anemone! I can sea him!"
An admiral is going to battle...
An admiral is going to battle, he meets with his most trusted man and asks how many enemy ships he can see in the horizon
The man replies "sir, i see 2 ships in the distance"
The admiral then tells him to bring him his red coat so that his sailors couldn't see his blood during the battle
The man then brings the coat to the admiral and says to him "sir, now i see 20 enemy ships in the distance"
The admiral watches the horizon in silence for a couple seconds and says "bring me my brown pants"
Captains Pants (one of my favorites)
One day, a scout on a small ship sees another equally sized ship on the horizon.
He tells the captain that the ship looks hostile, so the captain orders everyone on board to ready the cannons.
He then tells the scout to bring him his red shirt so that way his blood will not show and the men on board will continue to fight and not be afraid if he was injured.
After a long and weary battle, the day is won.
The very next day, 10 ships appear on the horizon, and the scout tells the captain.
The entire crew waits to here what he has to say.
Staring at the approaching ships the captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa
They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"
The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."
The mathematician corrects him: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."
The computer scientist exclaims "Oh, no! A special case!"
Soviet Joke
Soviet Union, 1980. Lecturer in village talks about communism. Question from audience.
- Yes, comrade, what's your question?
- Will there ever be true communism?
- Yes, it's just on the horizon
- What's a horizon?
- An imaginary line that keeps moving away from you as you get closer to it.
Old western stranger
An old man sitting at the edge of an old western town sees a silhouette approaching from the dusty horizon. Its not long before he realizes that it is a 3 legged dog limping toward him. The old man shouts a warning to the dog "we dont take kindly to strangers around here". The 3 legged dog limps like john wayne while slowly raising his gaze up to look straight into the old mans eyes with a piercing stare and says" Im lookin for the man who shot my paw"
A man was out at sea celebrating buying a new Yacht with his girlfriend.
Man (raising a glass of champagne) : To our new "YAKT".
Girlfriend : The 'c' is silent, honey.
Man : (staring out at the horizon) : Yes it's very tranquil, you're right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm f**......'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're f**......''
The Last Fight
The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.
With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and lifted their chipped tools, charging nearly head first into death.
The final line proved too brutal for their torn souls, slipping from the elbows of war and plunging hard into the revolting, fetid puddle beneath them.
This is the last time I wear long sleeves while doing dishes.
This is Moscow Radio:
Our listeners asked us: We are told by the president that the Great Russian World is already seen at the horizon. Then, what is a horizon?
We're answering: Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.
At the dawn of the Stone Age…
Og the caveman noticed that after a long period of darkness the sun would rise, traverse across the sky and then sink below the horizon.
Then darkness… until the sun would again rise once again, travel across the sky and sink below the horizon.
Again and again. Over and over.
Og wished to give a name to this event.
He thought long and hard. He tried all
sorts of words until his brain hurt and his tongue lolled in his mouth.
He tried every variation of sounds he could think of until he was exhausted.
In the end, utterly exhausted, he just gave up and called it a day.
