Hoping Jokes
134 hoping jokes and hilarious hoping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hoping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hoping Short Jokes
Short hoping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hoping humour may include short hope and change jokes also.
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
- My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
- My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
- Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charge dropped... I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
- Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends... I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.
- I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
- McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed. Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.
- A verdict has been reached in the Jussie Smollett trial. I hope he doesn't beat himself up over this, again.
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Hoping One Liners
Which hoping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hoping? I can suggest the ones about fingers crossed and wishing well.
- I hope elon musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.
- Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.
- Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3? No
- What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day? Extra Karma... I hope.
- Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- Some say 1 out of 4 of your friends are gay or bisexual.. I hope it's Ted, he's cute!
- i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day
- Happy thanksgiving Guys! I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.
- Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.
- To whoever stole my antidepressants at work last night... I hope you're happy now.
- I cheated on a girl that was a bartender. I hope she gives me another shot.
- Almost done watching that Netflix special on Epstein. I hope it doesn't leave me hanging.
- I hope Jessica Biel names her first child Batmo.
Gather Around for Fun Hoping Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about hoping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mean i hope jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hoping pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear...
You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away
You may have heard of No Nut November
But after I came twice in April what I'm really hoping for is a No Fetus February
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....
... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....
I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to her gynecologist...
A blonde goes to her gynecologist and tells the doctor that no matter how hard she and her husband have tried, she just can't get pregnant.
The doctor says, OK, t**... clothes and lay down on the table.
The blonde says, Um, all right. But I was really hoping to have my husband's baby.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Looking for a joke about being s**....
Sorry, there's no punchline, this isn't a joke.
I was hoping someone could help me here, though.
I'm trying to remember a joke that was told my a while ago by a Southern man after he passed out drunk. It was something along the lines of "Where is s**... in the dictionary? Between X and Y," where X and Y are two relevant words that start with "s."
Any ideas? Variations? Sound familiar?
Thanks!
Job at a Cadbury's factory ..
>I had a job putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say,
>"Oh packing fudge are we?"
>Or
>"Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
>Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.
>I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
TBH. I don't get the joke and it's annoying me. Can someone explain the obvious wordplay I'm missing??
A guy submits a comment to a group of people, hoping to learn how the community approves/disapproves...
(?|?)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Priest and a p**...
One night, a priest walked up to a p**... he saw on the street corner.
Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"
The p**... went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"
My telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it
They said they'd look into it.
Here's hoping 2013 is the year in which I finally fix the bugs in my new time machine.
-garyDelaney
My internet is so slow...
Anyway, Happy New Year! Here's to hoping 2014 is a great year!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hacking is like gay s**......
you enter a b**... hoping there are no logs.
The fly and me
I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
I submitted a glass pane in for a competition.
I'm hoping I can window.
Pun contest
There was once a man who wanted to enter his local paper's pun contest. He sent ten puns in hoping at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Girl's are like blackjack
I'm always hoping for 21 but I keep hitting on 14.
Reservations
A couple walk into a nice restaurant on Friday night, hoping to get a table. Upon seeing the couple, the host asks the couple, "Do you have reservations?" The wife replies, "Yes, but we'll eat here anyway."
Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?
They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.
Request for a months worth of jokes for a cancer patient.
A friend of mine will be in the hospital for a month because of her cancer treatments. We are telling her jokes to cheer her up and were hoping you could help, Thanks.
It was my first time getting laid 5 minutes ago
I'm hoping to hatch soon.
I wanted to be friends with...
Hoping to become friends, I started talking to a sea anemone. After a couple minutes of talking, I asked him about his family, and he became hostile.
It was a touchy topic.
*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a brothel with a donkey and a honeycomb
The brothel owner says "Why do you have an j**...? " Guy says, "I have a big farm, I want to trade it for some time with your girls."
Brothel owner says "Okay, why do you have a honeycomb?" Guy says "I have a lot of bees, was hoping to trade it for some food."
Brothel owner says "Why don't you just eat the honeycomb?"
Guy says, "Same reason I brought the j**..., tired of it."
What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common?
Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax.
A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over
One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
So I was checking out at the store the other day.....
....and the cashier told me my total was $12.47. So I gave her a ten and two ones. She said it wasn't enough so I dug around and gave her a quarter. Still not right she says, so I just grab everything in my pocket and put it on the counter hoping she could help.
As a white man in America, I don't understand change.
Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.
They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous
If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone
My Version Of Flirting!
My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they're braver than I am.
Whats the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas?
When he gets a sweater, but he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.
A bride brought an AK-47 to her wedding, hoping no one would realize that she was dangerous.
She was a veiled threat.
I was hoping my sister could help me with trigonometry...
But then I remembered, "she's in middle school, of course secant"
A Vietnamese couple were going to have a baby.
The father was really hoping for a boy, while the mother wanted a girl.
As luck would have it, they ended up having twins -- one boy and one girl.
It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
Pun competition
One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.
I entered a pun contest
I entered a pun contest. They asked me to submit ten of my best puns.
I came up with the best I could think of, hoping at least one of them would win.
No pun in ten did.
At the Bee Prom...
A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line
A daughter takes her new boyfriend home to meet her parents
Her dad asks, "so, what do you do?"
The boyfriend says, "Im training in Madrid as a goalie. I'm hoping to work my way into the first team next season!"
The dad winks at his daughter, nudges her on the arm and says, "watch out for this one, he's gonna be a real keeper"
I got slapped at the club the other day
I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"
I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."
My parents have been saving embarrassing videos and stories of me for my entire life, hoping to one day show the person that chooses to marry me.
Jokes on them.
My dad was always obsessed with puns
So when Reader's Digest held an unfunny joke/pun contest (in which they offered to pay any pun-tender $100 for each submitted 'joke' they published), my dad submitted 10 hoping that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I have a new idea for airplane design.
I'm hoping it'll take off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?
He was hoping for a sentence.
My girlfriend is slightly off the rails.
I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.
If you were to describe me in a nutshell...
... it would probably be in a fetal position pushing against the sides hoping that the shell would break.
I'm done with wordplay.
I posted ten different jokes hoping that at least one of them would make someone laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?
It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
I was walking through the woods yesterday and came up to a river…
I was hoping to find a bridge, but I'll get over it
I'm not the tallest guy, so when I left university and applied for the job I wanted, I put down that I was a dwarf on my resume, hoping that being some type of minority would help me...
I didn't get the job though.
The interviewer just said that I was selling myself short.
My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year!
I'm hoping for an iPad!
Elon Musk launched the falcon heavy hoping to start a space race...
Of course he wants a space race, he's the only one with a car up there
Jokes for six year old
Hey guys. Was hoping all you hilarious people at jokes could help a dad out.
I recently started working out of town for long stretches and I just want to be able to tell my six year old son some funny jokes for his age.
I've looked some up but after the 4th website I realized they are mostly unoriginal and not that funny. Anyways, you guys got anything to make the little man laugh when I call him?
Righty tighty, lefty loosey
Is what I'm hoping is true whenever I use Tinder
I frolic through the woods, Hoping that someone dies, I never act the way I should, What am I?
The answer is Logan Paul
I need someone good with photography to brighten all my images for me.
Hoping you'll do it for the exposure.
I've finally figured out why anti-vaxxers are so prominent in today's society.
Nowadays, everyone is just hoping to go viral.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a 25 year old v**... and I'm hoping that this is the year I get laid. My dad said he'd buy me an e**......
It's nice of him, but to be honest I don't see how a c**... old Ford is gonna help.
Can he tame the crazy dictator from the North?
The whole world is hoping for Kim Jong-Un.
So I sent my friend 10 puns hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh out of him.
No pun in ten did.
I beat up some people with an algebra textbook and was arrested
I was charged with using a Weapon of Math Instruction
(Hoping this is somewhat original)
I'm broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works.
I am hoping she would give me another shot.
When I was young, my pet canary died
So my mother bought another one to replace it, exactly the same, hoping that I wouldn't notice.
But I noticed.
And I killed that one too.
My pirate friend's marriage is failing, his wife and him don't see eye-to-eye
But, I'm hoping they can patch it up...
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm really sad the iPhone SE is discontinued
I'd been hoping that they'd upgrade it to bezel-less and call it iPhone s**....
Aye girl, are you binary?
Because i'd like to put my 1 next to your 0.
I know, I know... Too nerdy and not a great joke, I came up with it last night. 0 laughed at it but I was hoping at least 1 would.
A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...
He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist's face.
That was not the reaction he was hoping for.
The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a drug convention hoping to buy the drugs I saw on Breaking Bad. Too bad I couldn't find any. All the dealers kept gossiping about two people I didn't know.
Who cares if Chris told m**....
I've been recently obsessed with the band Fish
They're having a few shows, I'm hoping to catch a live one!
Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business
I'm hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.
In this house we say 'please' and 'thank you' to Alexa.
We're hoping she'll take it easy on us when Skynet goes active.
Drunks
Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's
This Just in: Casinos in Vegas are hoping to be open by Memorial Day. I'm really excited to get back to work!
Said, the Corona Virus.
I was really hoping Jesus would reveal God's plan for 2020 on Reddit
But all he'd do is crosspost
After dealing with dad-jokes all winter...
I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective is trying to solve a m**... mystery
A lady was killed by being stabbed 17 times. The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive.
The detective was puzzled. He was sure it was concrete evidence.
You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something?
Because it's always ruff...
A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday
She drops hints to her husband:
"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."
The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...
I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.
One that I can really sue.
