Hoping Jokes
134 hoping jokes and hilarious hoping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hoping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hoping Short Jokes
Short hoping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hoping humour may include short hopes jokes also.
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
- My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
- My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
- I hope that when kim kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim. The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
- My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
- My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
- I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute. I just really hope her mom gets shot.
- Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charge dropped... I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
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Hoping One Liners
Which hoping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hoping? I can suggest the ones about wishing and praying.
- I hope elon musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.
- Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.
- Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3? No
- I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me
- What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day? Extra Karma... I hope.
- Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
- Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster... Now it just doesn't work.
- To the guy who stole my antidepresants, I hope you're happy now
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- A Robber entered my home in hopes of finding money..... I joined the search with him.
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- I hope death is a woman That way it wont come for me
- Some say 1 out of 4 of your friends are gay or bisexual.. I hope it's Ted, he's cute!
- My friends say one of us is gay. I really hope it's Todd... he's cute.
- I surely hope Death is a woman That way it never comes for me.
Gather Around for Fun Hoping Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about hoping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hope and change jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hoping pranks.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear...
You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away
You may have heard of No Nut November
But after I came twice in April what I'm really hoping for is a No Fetus February
I got a sweater for xmas....
I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....
... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....
I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.
So there's this humor contest...
and a guy enters ten puns hoping to win with at least one. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
A man sent ten puns to his friends, hoping at least one would make them laugh
No pun in ten did.
A man submits 10 puns to a contest, hoping to win...
but no pun-in-ten-did.
I've been working on my favorite puns...
I took ten of the best puns I knew and entered them into a local radio contest, hoping that one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A blonde goes to her gynecologist...
A blonde goes to her gynecologist and tells the doctor that no matter how hard she and her husband have tried, she just can't get pregnant.
The doctor says, OK, t**... clothes and lay down on the table.
The blonde says, Um, all right. But I was really hoping to have my husband's baby.
Looking for a joke about being s**....
Sorry, there's no punchline, this isn't a joke.
I was hoping someone could help me here, though.
I'm trying to remember a joke that was told my a while ago by a Southern man after he passed out drunk. It was something along the lines of "Where is s**... in the dictionary? Between X and Y," where X and Y are two relevant words that start with "s."
Any ideas? Variations? Sound familiar?
Thanks!
Job at a Cadbury's factory ..
>I had a job putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say,
>"Oh packing fudge are we?"
>Or
>"Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
>Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.
>I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
TBH. I don't get the joke and it's annoying me. Can someone explain the obvious wordplay I'm missing??
A Priest and a p**...
One night, a priest walked up to a p**... he saw on the street corner.
Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"
The p**... went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"
My telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it
They said they'd look into it.
I submitted 10 puns to a local newspaper, hoping one would make it in.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Here's hoping 2013 is the year in which I finally fix the bugs in my new time machine.
-garyDelaney
Hacking is like gay s**......
you enter a b**... hoping there are no logs.
The fly and me
I'm translating this joke from my native language so I'm hoping its just as funny in English.
The other night I saw a mosquito in my room. I kept trying to catch it till I caught it in a corner, ready to end its life, when all of a sudden it turned around and said "Wait! Surely you won't kill your own family!", I stopped in my tracks and stared at the mosquito thinking what it meant. Then I realised the mosquito wasn't lying... My blood was coursing through its veins
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
I submitted a glass pane in for a competition.
I'm hoping I can window.
Pun contest
There was once a man who wanted to enter his local paper's pun contest. He sent ten puns in hoping at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
How many nice guys does it take to replace a light bulb?
Nice guys don't replace light bulbs: they'll just stand around complimenting it, hoping to get it s**....
Girl's are like blackjack
I'm always hoping for 21 but I keep hitting on 14.
My local newspaper ran a pun writing contest
I entered my ten best puns hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did
Request for a months worth of jokes for a cancer patient.
A friend of mine will be in the hospital for a month because of her cancer treatments. We are telling her jokes to cheer her up and were hoping you could help, Thanks.
I once entered ten puns in a comedy competition hoping one would win.
But, no pun in ten did.
A guy walks into a brothel with a donkey and a honeycomb
The brothel owner says "Why do you have an j**...? " Guy says, "I have a big farm, I want to trade it for some time with your girls."
Brothel owner says "Okay, why do you have a honeycomb?" Guy says "I have a lot of bees, was hoping to trade it for some food."
Brothel owner says "Why don't you just eat the honeycomb?"
Guy says, "Same reason I brought the j**..., tired of it."
What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common?
Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax.
There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation.
He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.
A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over
One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
So I was checking out at the store the other day.....
....and the cashier told me my total was $12.47. So I gave her a ten and two ones. She said it wasn't enough so I dug around and gave her a quarter. Still not right she says, so I just grab everything in my pocket and put it on the counter hoping she could help.
As a white man in America, I don't understand change.
Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.
They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous
If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone
My Version Of Flirting!
My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they're braver than I am.
I gave my friend 10 puns, hoping at least some would make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Whats the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas?
When he gets a sweater, but he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.
Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.
Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.
A Vietnamese couple were going to have a baby.
The father was really hoping for a boy, while the mother wanted a girl.
As luck would have it, they ended up having twins -- one boy and one girl.
It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...
hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess.
No one confessed.
But when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.
Pun competition
One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.
Radical Muslims
I'm really hoping this thread blows up now...
I entered a pun contest
I entered a pun contest. They asked me to submit ten of my best puns.
I came up with the best I could think of, hoping at least one of them would win.
No pun in ten did.
I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping it would make him faster.
But, unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
I sent 10 puns to the world best pun contest...
...hoping at least one of them would win.
Well,no pun in-ten-did.
At the Bee Prom...
A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line
I got slapped at the club the other day
I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"
I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."
My parents have been saving embarrassing videos and stories of me for my entire life, hoping to one day show the person that chooses to marry me.
Jokes on them.
My dad was always obsessed with puns
So when Reader's Digest held an unfunny joke/pun contest (in which they offered to pay any pun-tender $100 for each submitted 'joke' they published), my dad submitted 10 hoping that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I have a new idea for airplane design.
I'm hoping it'll take off.
Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?
He was hoping for a sentence.
A man entered a pun contest in the newspaper
He entered ten of his best puns hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
My girlfriend is slightly off the rails.
I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.
I'm done with wordplay.
I posted ten different jokes hoping that at least one of them would make someone laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?
It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year!
I'm hoping for an iPad!
Righty tighty, lefty loosey
Is what I'm hoping is true whenever I use Tinder
A man entered a local paper's pun contest and sent in ten different ones hoping one of them will win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I need someone good with photography to brighten all my images for me.
Hoping you'll do it for the exposure.
I've finally figured out why anti-vaxxers are so prominent in today's society.
Nowadays, everyone is just hoping to go viral.
I'm a 25 year old v**... and I'm hoping that this is the year I get laid. My dad said he'd buy me an e**......
It's nice of him, but to be honest I don't see how a c**... old Ford is gonna help.
So I sent my friend 10 puns hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh out of him.
No pun in ten did.
I'm broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works.
I am hoping she would give me another shot.
When I was young, my pet canary died
So my mother bought another one to replace it, exactly the same, hoping that I wouldn't notice.
But I noticed.
And I killed that one too.
My pirate friend's marriage is failing, his wife and him don't see eye-to-eye
But, I'm hoping they can patch it up...
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
After 10 years...
After 10 years, a mother realizes her kid looks a little funny and gets a DNA test done. Surprise, it's not her child! She tells the husband, who calmly replies, "What, you don't remember?" The wife shakes her head worriedly, hoping her husband's answer will fill in the gap. He says to her: "When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped in the diaper. You told me to change it, so I went back inside, grabbed a clean baby, and left the dirty one there."
A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...
He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist's face.
That was not the reaction he was hoping for.
Punny
*I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did*
Years ago, I sent ten of my best puns to a pun competition, hoping at least one would win...
... but no pun in ten did.
Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business
I'm hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.
In this house we say 'please' and 'thank you' to Alexa.
We're hoping she'll take it easy on us when Skynet goes active.
Drunks
Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's
I entered 10 puns in the pun contest hoping at least 1 would win
But no pun in ten did.
After dealing with dad-jokes all winter...
I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.
A detective is trying to solve a m**... mystery
A lady was killed by being stabbed 17 times. The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive.
The detective was puzzled. He was sure it was concrete evidence.
You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something?
Because it's always ruff...
A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday
She drops hints to her husband:
"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."
The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...
I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.
One that I can really sue.
Hoping for something funny to post, I asked my dad what his favorite joke was:
It was me
Jokes on him because I'm finally his favorite at something.
All this talk about hoping 2020 ends!
Even though its cursed, we can't let it defeat us. That would mean 2021.
