Hopes Jokes
78 hopes jokes and hilarious hopes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hopes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hopes Short Jokes
Short hopes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hopes humour may include short hoping jokes also.
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
- My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
- My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
- I hope that when kim kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim. The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
- My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
- My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
- I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute. I just really hope her mom gets shot.
- Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charge dropped... I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
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Hopes One Liners
Which hopes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hopes? I can suggest the ones about hoped and hope and change.
- I hope elon musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.
- Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.
- Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3? No
- I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me
- What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day? Extra Karma... I hope.
- Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
- Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster... Now it just doesn't work.
- To the guy who stole my antidepresants, I hope you're happy now
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- A Robber entered my home in hopes of finding money..... I joined the search with him.
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- I hope death is a woman That way it wont come for me
- Some say 1 out of 4 of your friends are gay or bisexual.. I hope it's Ted, he's cute!
- My friends say one of us is gay. I really hope it's Todd... he's cute.
- I surely hope Death is a woman That way it never comes for me.
Hopes Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about hopes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wishes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hopes pranks.
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
So an Olympian walks into a bar...
and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
How do you make a Whiskey Sour?
Crush it's hopes and dreams.
Man Find Potato Latvia
Man is finally find little potato. Man think can eat and be hungry less but if plant in ground have many more potato soon. Many big potato. Hungry never! So he bury and water for weeks but no grow nothing. Then man realize was not potato that buried. Was just hopes and dreams.
The Diet Pill
A woman heads to a supplement store to buy diet pills in hopes to lose weight. She asks the sales clerk what he recommends and he hands her a pill bottle claiming they are the best. She pays and goes home eager to lose weight. After a week she notices no effects and that the pills are very light, she opens one up and to her surprise they are empty. She goes back to the store and asks why these pills are all empty. The sales clerk then replies, "Well miss, they *are* diet pills".
Kanye and Kim name their first child North West...
....in hopes that it will one day be the lead singer for One Direction
A husband and wife, both 86 years old, get interviewed by the local paper
for the occasion of their 60th wedding anniversary. The journalist asks the woman what she hopes their future might hold, and she says
"Oh, I'd like for us to live to 100 together."
The journalist asks the man, who says
"I hope to live to 101."
"Why's that?" asks the journalist.
"All I want is to have one year of peace and quiet."
A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white
They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.
"God! Are you white or black?"
"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.
"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"
"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"
"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."
I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...
...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"
Your Dreams, Hopes and Wishes
I do not want to say anything bad about you,
but if you were a princess trapped in a castle with a dragon, the brave knights would have stormed the castle in hopes of saving the unfortunate dragon.
What one noun, verb, and US President sums up a scientist's hopes and fears?
Grant.
Sources say Amazon to invest in maternity wards in hopes of expanding their delivery services.
A prince makes his way to a castle where he hopes to find the sleeping beauty...
...he indeed finds her, still asleep, but to his surprise there are already 3 other princes in her chamber apparently taking turns in b**... her. He asks what is going on, to which one of them replies "You can join right in, but make sure not to kiss her!"
When I'm on a date, ...
I like to tell the girl that "I'm available for a limited time only*
In hopes that her shopping instincts will kick in.
A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry
No pun in ten did.
A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes he would win.
To his surprise, 6 puns in ten did.
What do you call girls who sneak into your life, rob you of all your hopes and dreams and then leave you destroyed?
t**... w**....
"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on....
Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow."
Donald Trump has a new slogan that he hopes will help his numbers with African American voters.
"Orange Is The New Black."
The Browns asked if they could put a pokestop inside the stadium...
in hopes that people would attend their games.
Our local council said they are going to get all the coins out of the wishing well and put them into a balloon.
Talk about getting everyone's hopes up.
A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.
The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"
"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."
*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*
A pun contest...
A man's newsletter tells him about a pun contest they are holding. The person who submits the best pun will win $10000. The man thinks,
*I could really use that money!*
So he decides he will submit some puns. In the hopes of winning the $10000, he submits 10 puns in one letter. He hoped and prayed that at least one pun would win it for him.
But no pun in ten did.
My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up.
After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
"thirty-second birthday."
I like to call my son Bambi.
In the hopes someone will shoot his mom.
A small part of me hopes the Xbox One X fails
Not because i want to see it fail, I just kinda want to see Microsoft be able to add one more flop to its specs
So h**... decides to go see a psychic...
...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. h**..., obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".
Business is going well
A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and l**... business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 mattresses and 900 p**... and business is going well!'
The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no p**... Ive made 500,000 dollars!'
My sister turns 42 on Monday
Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.
"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."
When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."
I once opened a pub in hopes of serving people alcohol. But no one could see over the counter.
I guess I set the bar too high.
The bengals went into the steelers game this week with high hopes for the postseason..
Now they're far from Burfect.
Valentines Night Surprise.
My Wife was all exited when I told her that I had booked a table for Two for Valentines Night, I just hopes she likes Snooker.
My Hopes and Dreams are like unicorns.
I stopped believing in unicorns when I was a kid.
Hopes and dreams are like fire
Whenever I make them, they die.
What is something a woman from Alabama hopes she'll never have to change
her last name
Whats the difference between a politician and a bikini?
There is none.
Everyone wonders how he keeps himself up but everyone hopes that he falls.
This year's Comic-Con will be hosted in Hawaii
in the hopes that sacrificing a few virgins will appease the angry volcano god.
My brother is turning 32 tomorrow, so I told him not to get his hopes up.
When he asked why, I replied:
"Well, it'll be pretty short. It is your thirty-second birthday after all."
I was a dashing young man.
I dashed the hopes of my parents, my teachers, my rabbi...
What is the name of that phenomenon where you don't find something in it's normal spot, which causes you to search everywhere in hopes of finding it again?
I seem to have forgotten.
What do you call a man who smokes w**... who's trying win the lottery.
High hopes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
In hopes, after it's family was brutally slaughtered that it could join them in chicken heaven. The s**... attempt failed and the chicken was found hanged.
Why did God invent marriage?
Because hopes and dreams won't crush themselves y'know.
Did you hear about the guy who was turned into an air mattress?
His hopes were pretty high the first night, but by the next morning he was pretty deflated.
A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...
He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist's face.
That was not the reaction he was hoping for.
Why did God create women?
Because hopes and dreams cannot crush themselves.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's girlfriend broke up with him
Arnold Schwarzenegger's girlfriend broke up with him in hopes that it would be enough to stop him from dressing up as classical composers for halloween.
But deep down, she still knew that he'd be bach.
My girlfriend is like a lottery ticket.
I keep getting my hopes up, yet she always lets me down.
What's the only difference between Valentine's Day and April fools?
I don't get my hopes up when April fools comes around
My Girlfriend is turning 32 soon.
I told her not to get her hopes up.
After all, I say, we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.
She seemed upset and demanded to know why i would do that to her.
I calmly pointed out,
This is your thirty-second birthday...
In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May
May wants to leave at the end of May.
Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.
I call these socks lost soles.
I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.
He was as good as his word. The f**... is Thursday.
I took a sick day and lied that I had constipation
My boss bought it and even said he hopes I get well soon and stop being so full of s**...
During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams.
Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.
In hopes of making my racing snail faster, I removed its shell.
But it only became more sluggish
A king's chef was sentenced to death, after serving terrible food one too many times...
On the day the sentence was to be carried out, the chef brought one of his cakes and presented it to the headsman, in the hopes it would encourage him to make the death quick and painless.
When the headsman returned home, his wife asked how the proceedings had gone.
"Awful taste but great execution."
I hope to be a millionaire, just like my dad.
He hopes to be one too. What did you think?
for all the ladies waiting for their prince on a white horse
Keep up your hopes. With price of fuel it could happen any day now
A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.
The prophet old him, You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.
Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?
The prophet continued, No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class. .
