Hope Jokes

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

An apple

A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.
Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.

A woman's anger is like a Check Engine light...

There's no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

The captain and the p**...

A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

What's the difference between a Nun in Church and a Nun in the bath

One has Hope in her Soul the other has Soap in her Hole.

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

Recent study has revealed that m**... might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.

i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day

Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"

...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."

I hope college lives up to the hype

All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun

I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

My father suffers from short term memory loss

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

Paychecks are like d**......

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

I cheated on a girl that was a bartender.

I hope she gives me another shot.

Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine s**..."

Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall.

We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)

Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual b**....

I hope it's me this year!

To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!

Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.
- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....
I'm sorry

If life gives you lemons...

I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna s**....

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.

This gives me hope for the next generation.

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

I just found out I'm going to be a Dad! I'm really excited.

I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"
Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"

d**... are like paychecks.

You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.

Daily Mail online: "m**... may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in

Hello!

I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...

We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don't want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

I hope your internet is k**...

Because it's about to get choked

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in t**..., like his passengers

Wife: I hate you. Get out, I never want to see you again!

I hope you have a long and miserable life.
Husband: Now I'm confused. Do you want me to stay or not?

The secret to Pavlov's hair?

Just a classical conditioner.
(I hope the name rings a bell)

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

Four guys are hanging out.

One of them says, Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?
Larry says, I hope it's chuck because he's really cute.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

My friends say there is someone gay in our friend circle...

I hope is john, he's really cute