hope Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious hope stories

What are the best Hope puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Hope? Well here is a complete list of Hope to have fun with:

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

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Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

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A family walks into a hotel... NSFW

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

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I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

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The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

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A guilty neighbor . . .

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and with my promise that it won't ever happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:


Damn autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

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I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"

The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."

The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"

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A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

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Text from his neighbor

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed
his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife"

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The English team visited an orphanage in brazil.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope ,said Jose age 6.

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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

(Haven't seen this on here, hope its not a repost.)

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What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

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Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Diane Perish

*How to Get Rich* by Robin A. Bank

*I'm So Greedy* by Jenna Russ

*How to Drive a Manual Transmission* by Otto Matic

*How to be a Great Pilot* by Mae Day

*Where to Find Wildebeests* By Sara N. Getti

*Raising Kids* by Bill E. Goat

*Warriors of Feudal Japan* by Sam A. Rye

*Woodwind Instruments* by Clara Net

*Tragedy at the Grand Canyon* by Eileen Dover

*The Human Brain* by Sir E. Brum and Sara Bellum

*Deep in Debt* by Owen A. Lott

*The World is a Big Place* by Mike Robe

*Confessions of a Mental Patient* by Justin Sane

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Guess my age?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it`s done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

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My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

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On a recent business trip...

I was checking-in to my hotel and I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

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A little girl went to her mom...

*I don't know if I'm doing a good job translating this from my native language, I hope you like it either way*
A little girl goes to her mother and says: "Mom, guess what? Some hair grew on my pussy!"
The mother replied: "That's not a very polite thing to say, honey! If you tell your older sister tell her that 'your monkey grew some hair'."
The girl went to her sister and told her that "her monkey grew some hair". The sister looked at her and said: "You're still there?! My monkey is already eating bananas!"

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If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.

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A family walks into a hotel and the father walks to the front desk to check in...

...and says to the attendant: I hope the porn in the room is disabled.

The guy at the desk replies: It's just regular porn, you sick fuck.

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(Hope its no re-post) So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot...

and he says, "man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee." Little did he know, he had his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane. The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go of the button. On her way there a passenger shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

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Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

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The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

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Here is one of my favourite Iranian jokes that I've translated to English for you all, hope you like it

One day there was a king who had the the most beautiful daughter anyone had ever seen.

Everyone wanted to sleep with his daughter so he thought he would make a game of this.

King: "Anyone who can wrestle my lion and kill it will be given permission fuck my daughter"

For days men would turn up from all over the land to try and kill the lion and would fail miserably. Finally a Turkish man showed up and went into the empty arena with the lion.

They were wrestling for about 30 minutes and everyone could hear loud screams from both.

After 45 minutes the door opens and the Turkish man walks out batterer and bruised takes a deep breath, brushes off his shoulder and says "Right, so who do I have to kill?"

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A mud joke

(This is a translation from a french joke and my translation skill isn't great. I Hope it still makes someone laugh)

A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor.
After a long examination, the doctor says "You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don't think I can do anything to save you. I give you no more than one week to live"
The woman, desperate, begs him "Are you really sure there isn't any drug that can help me ?"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says "Well, ok, you can try taking mud baths 5 times a day"
The woman, with a big smile and a new hope says "Ok, that seems feasible. Are you sure that can cure my disease ?"
The doctor answers "Oh no, that won't cure you, but at least you'll get used to being in the earth."

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The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

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Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Yes, I know this is a 30+ year old joke, but hope it gave some people a chuckle

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An apple

A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.

Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.

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A woman's anger is like a Check Engine light...

There's no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.

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Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."

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BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

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BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags.
As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death. Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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What's the difference between a Nun in Church and a Nun in the bath

One has Hope in her Soul the other has Soap in her Hole.

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So a lady saw an army general..

So a lady saw an army general, looking quite charismatic. She instantly felt like hooking up with him. So she kissed him held his hands and took him to a room. On the way she asked him, "so tell me general when was the last time you made love to a woman?"

The general, still savoring the taste of the fine whiskey he had, replied, "around 1950". The lady giggled and said, "well I hope you are ready for an amazing night". The general replied with a smirk on his face, "sure, why not? It is only 2230"

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24 hour Pharmacy gets a call at midnight..(russian joke)

This a translation of an old russian joke that i heard as a kid, hope you like it:

A 24 hour pharmacy gets a call at midnight. The caller asks whether they have tampons in store. Yes answers the pharmacist, we have plenty of tampons. Well then shove them in your ass, says the caller and hangs up. The next day the pharmacist gets another call at midnight. Again he tells the caller that he has a lot of tampons in store. To this the caller tells him to shove all those tampons in his ass. The third night the phone rings again. Angrily the pharmacists picks up the phone. Do you have tampons? asks the caller. NO I DONT HAVE ANY TAMPONS IN STORE, yells the pharmacist in the phone. Well perhaps you shouldnt have shoved them all in your ass then says the caller and hangs up.

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The difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bathtub?

one has hope in her soul.

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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath?

One has hope in her soul...

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I hope the gays go to hell....

I don't have anything against homosexuals. I just know they're great at gentrifying neighborhoods. By the time I get to Hell, there will be a boutique and cafe on every block!

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Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...

Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.

Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time licking himself.

Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Chong replies, "well... maybe you should try to pet him first, man."

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Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

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"What does she have that I don't?" (Slightly NSFW)

Two patients at an old age home home (let's call them John and Mary), have always been close to one another. One day John tells Mary,

"Since we are such close friends, I hope that you aren't embarrassed by this request. My penis is feeling awfully numb and I was hoping that you would hold it for me."

Mary replies, "Of course, John"
She takes his junk in her hand and they sit there doing nothing else. Over the next few weeks this becomes a regular event. One day Mary finds another woman holding John's penis for him. She is outraged.

"After all this time you replace me so easily with this woman!" she cries.

"What does she have that I don't?".

John smiles at her.

"Parkinson's" he replies.

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Kind of a long joke, but it is my personal favorite to tell. I hope you all like it.

A husband and wife are driving on the highway when suddenly the wife turns to her husband and says

"I want a divorce."

The man says nothing only speeds up slightly.

"Not only do I want a divorce but I'm taking the house, the car, the bank accounts, the kids, and the credit cards."

Still the man sits stoic, only increasing his speed again.

Getting upset the woman turns to her husband and snidely says

"Well, isn't there anything you want, or have to say?"

The husband replies

"Nope, I've got everything I need."

Shocked the woman turns to him and says

"What is that exactly?!"

And just as they're about to smash into a brick wall at 90mph he replies

"The airbag, Bitch!"

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Three starving guys are wandering in a desert...

They come across a tree, but instead of leaves, it has strips of bacon. They happily climb the tree and start eating the bacon, until they hear a gunshot and one of the guys falls over, dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree.
It was a ham-bush.

(Not sure if this has been posted before, hope you enjoy.)

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Baby, I hope you are an ISO file

cuz I wanna mount you.

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Whoever stole my anti-depressants,

I hope your happy now.

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"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

"Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best hope jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty hope gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these hope jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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