hope Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hope puns

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

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Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

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Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

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A family walks into a hotel... NSFW

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

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When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

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Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

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I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

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My mother called me a son of a bitch...

So I hit her, because no one can call my mom a bitch.
Then I hit myself, because no one can hit my mum.
Then she hit me, because no one can hit her son.
And then she hit herself, because NO ONE can hit her son.
Then I hit her. because no one can hit my mum.
I hope we'll solve this when father gets home...

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

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I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

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My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

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If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

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There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

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Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

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Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

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I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

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I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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To the guy who stole my antidepresants,

I hope you're happy now

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My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

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I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

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Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

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A family walks into a hotel. The father walks up to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The desk clerk says, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

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Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

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The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

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Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I hope it's me this year!

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So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

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My friend told me there is a gay guy in our circle of friends...

I really hope its Todd, he's cute.

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A family goes to a hotel...

The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled..."

The guy at the desk replies "It's just normal porn you sick fuck."

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To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!

Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.

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What are the most funny Hope jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hope? Well, here are the best Hope dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hope pick up lines to share with friends.

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