Hope Jokes

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

The captain and the p**...

A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

Recent study has revealed that m**... might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.

i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day

Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

Paychecks are like d**......

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual b**....

I hope it's me this year!

To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!

Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"

It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....

I'm sorry

If life gives you lemons...

I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna s**....

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

My friends say one of us is gay.

I really hope it's Todd... he's cute.

Daily Mail online: "m**... may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in

Hello!

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I hope your internet is k**...

Because it's about to get choked

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

To the guy who stole my antidepresants,

I hope you're happy now

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day?

Extra Karma... I hope.

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

I surely hope Death is a woman

That way it never comes for me.

My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

I haven't had s**... since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: That's a nice looking Aldi!

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y'all. It's been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

Women see s**... like buying a car

Can I see myself in this long term?

Is it safe?

Is it reliable?

Can it kill me?

Guys look at s**... like parking a car.

There's a spot.

There's another spot.

Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.

Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!

What did Yoda say when he saw himself on the 4K TV?

"HDMI"


I really hope this hasn't already been done.

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3?

No

I couldn't get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's got nail marks in his hands and feet..."

With that Jesus threw open his arms and embraced the old man. "Father!" he exclaimed.

"Pinocchio!" the old man cried.

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.

A married couple is fighting

A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 p**... of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my p**....

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

A verdict has been reached in the Jussie Smollett trial.

I hope he doesn't beat himself up over this, again.

Some say 1 out of 4 of your friends are gay or bisexual..

I hope it's Ted, he's cute!

My daughter painted her toenails black for winter formal tonight...

I told her "I hope you don't run into anyone who's black-toes intolerant."

What do you call someone who likes to add numbers when the weather is warm?

A summer

(I thought of this, hope it's original)

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

A n**... man was walking down the street with a woman on his back

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The n**... man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the n**... man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, that's Michelle."

EDIT - I changed the first "gentleman" to "bloke." I hope it makes more sense that way.

A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion

when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"

The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."

The rabbi asked, "And then?"

The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."

The rabbi again asked, "And then?"

The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!"

The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?"

The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?"

The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous variations out there. So just wanted to let you know that I read it on Reader's Digest Issue 1/09, finding it funny, I wanted to share with the jokers here.

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time

"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too, and died."

"Oh, how terrible!

I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . .

As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"

My New Year's Resolution is to exercise more

I hope it works out...

How does a carpenter order 5 beers?

With 2 hands.

(I hope this common Swiss Joke/Proverb didn't got posted a lot here)

Did you know in the average friend group, one in ten people are gay?

I hope it's Noah, he's so cute.

a blonde is standing on the street buzzing at a lantern

a blonde police officer sees her buzzing the lantern, stops and asks: what are you doing, madam? The blonde answers: I'm trying to buzz my friend down but he's not answering. Blonde police officer points confused at the light of the lantern and replies: but he must be home since the lights are on!


(my mom told me this in German the other day, I hope my translation makes sense! open for corrections!)

I signed up for a singles program looking for love.

It turns out it's a tennis program.

I've never played tennis before, and I'm a bit out of shape. Wish me luck, hope I score!

Booked a table for 2 for the valentine's day

Hope my girlfriend likes snooker

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains

This gives me hope for humanity.

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!