Hope Jokes

183 hope jokes and hilarious hope puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hope that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A great collection of jokes with the theme of hope. You will find both light-hearted humour and reminders to be aspirational and stay hopeful. Find the perfect mean "i hope" joke to make everyone laugh, or a good "i hope" joke as a reminder to stay optimistic.

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Funniest Hope Short Jokes

Short hope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hope humour may include short hoping jokes also.

  1. I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
  2. My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
  3. My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
  4. I hope that when kim kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim. The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
  5. My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
  6. If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
    Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
  7. There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
  8. My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
  9. I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute. I just really hope her mom gets shot.
  10. Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charge dropped... I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

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Hope One Liners

Which hope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hope? I can suggest the ones about luck and pray.

  1. I hope elon musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.
  2. Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.
  3. Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3? No
  4. I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me
  5. What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day? Extra Karma... I hope.
  6. Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
  7. Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster... Now it just doesn't work.
  8. To the guy who stole my antidepresants, I hope you're happy now
  9. I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
  10. A Robber entered my home in hopes of finding money..... I joined the search with him.
  11. I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
  12. I hope death is a woman That way it wont come for me
  13. Some say 1 out of 4 of your friends are gay or bisexual.. I hope it's Ted, he's cute!
  14. My friends say one of us is gay. I really hope it's Todd... he's cute.
  15. I surely hope Death is a woman That way it never comes for me.

Good I Hope Jokes

Here is a list of funny good i hope jokes and even better good i hope puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree? Because they stick.
    I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
  • I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good
  • I really hope the new 'It' movie is as good as the original.. Because those are some big shoes to fill.
  • How do you say 'direction' in pig Latin? Hope you had a good one!
  • You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something? Because it's always ruff...
  • The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial... I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!
  • I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.
  • We hoped for a good clean World Cup Final. But instead we got a Messi one.
    Congrats to argentina.
  • I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress" My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.
    And that it's useful.
    And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.
  • There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy... He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

Hope And Change Jokes

Here is a list of funny hope and change jokes and even better hope and change puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How many internet users does it take to change a light-bulb? I dunno. Let's just sign a petition so that hopefully somebody will do it.
  • What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common? Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax.
  • How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? 0, they'll just protest and hope someone else changes it to one they like.
  • The legal age of drinking in Alabama has been changed to 31... Representatives hope that it will keep underage drinking out of high schools
  • The enthalpy change for a combustion reaction is always negative In other words, fire is hot.
    (chemistry joke, hope someone gets it...)
  • What is something a woman from Alabama hopes she'll never have to change her last name
  • I have been married 38 years but have never been very romantic, so this Valentines night I am going to change, I have booked a table for two for me and the missus. Just hope she likes snooker.
  • I hope Elon Musk sent the Tesla to space with some change. He'll need some way to pay the parking meteor.
  • How many US presidents does it require to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and the other to proclaim that it is shimming beacon of hope and freedom
  • Angry husband fills wife's car with concrete after she changed her surname I hope she takes him to court, she has concrete evidence
Hope joke, Angry husband fills wife's car with concrete after she changed her surname

Mean I Hope Jokes

Here is a list of funny mean i hope jokes and even better mean i hope puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • All this talk about hoping 2020 ends! Even though its cursed, we can't let it defeat us. That would mean 2021.
  • If 1 / 9 men are homosexual, does that mean that statistically, there is at least 1 gay man in my class? If so then I hope it's Michael, he's cute.
  • I hope that if I ever get rich I won't be mean to poor people Like I am now
    (Dark, I know, but one of my favorite deep thoughts)
  • My friend said to me "I hope you find a deep hole in the ground to collect water from." I know he means well.
  • If I ever get rich, I hope I am not real mean to poor people Like I am now
  • I hope I get $100 of bitcoin as a Christmas present I mean $120.23
    EDIT $97.56
    EDIT 2 $103.55
    EDIT 3 $111.47
  • Christmas Dinner with the inlaws Me: Don't forget you're eating for two.
    Mother\-in\-law (hopeful): You mean...
    Wife: Yep, I've got a tapeworm!
  • I'm off to a communist speed dating night. I'm hoping I can seize the means of seduction.
  • My Filipino flight attended was very mean to me She said she hoped I have a peasant plight.
  • Yoga, a Hindi word meaning I hope I don't f**...

Bob Hope Jokes

Here is a list of funny bob hope jokes and even better bob hope puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
    God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.
  • Kevin Bacon 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
    Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
    God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.
  • 20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs and no Hope. I really hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die.
  • There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.
  • I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
  • In 1987 we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope... Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
  • 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
  • How bad is the economy? Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
  • Probably too soon to update this, but here goes anyway. . . Twenty years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Aretha Franklin. Now we have no jobs, no hope, no cash, and no soul.
  • Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
Hope joke

Comical Hope Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about hope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean promise jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hope pranks.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

An apple

A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.
Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.

A woman's anger is like a Check Engine light...

There's no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

The captain and the p**...

A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

What's the difference between a Nun in Church and a Nun in the bath

One has Hope in her Soul the other has Soap in her Hole.

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

Recent study has revealed that m**... might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.

i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day

Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit" I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."

I hope college lives up to the hype

All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun

I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

My father suffers from short term memory loss

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

Paychecks are like d**......

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

I cheated on a girl that was a bartender.

I hope she gives me another shot.

Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine s**..."

Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall.

We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)

Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual b**....

I hope it's me this year!

To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!

Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.
- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....
I'm sorry

If life gives you lemons...

I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna s**....

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.

This gives me hope for the next generation.

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

I just found out I'm going to be a Dad! I'm really excited.

I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"
Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"

d**... are like paychecks.

You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.

Daily Mail online: "m**... may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in


I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...

We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don't want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

I hope your internet is k**...

Because it's about to get choked

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in t**..., like his passengers

Wife: I hate you. Get out, I never want to see you again!

I hope you have a long and miserable life.
Husband: Now I'm confused. Do you want me to stay or not?

The secret to Pavlov's hair?

Just a classical conditioner.
(I hope the name rings a bell)

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

Four guys are hanging out.

One of them says, Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?
Larry says, I hope it's chuck because he's really cute.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

My friends say there is someone gay in our friend circle...

I hope is john, he's really cute

Hope joke, My friends say there is someone gay in our friend circle...

jokes about hope