Hope Jokes

What are some Hope jokes?

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

To the guy who stole my antidepresants,

I hope you're happy now

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I hope it's me this year!

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope!

Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

My friends say one of us is gay.

I really hope it's Todd... he's cute.

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"

It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in

Hello!

i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....

I'm sorry

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

If life gives you lemons...

I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna suck.

The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

Dicks are like paychecks.

You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Yes, I know this is a 30+ year old joke, but hope it gave some people a chuckle

I just found out I'm going to be a Dad! I'm really excited.

I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don't want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

An apple

A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.

Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

My friends say there is someone gay in our friend circle...

I hope is john, he's really cute

Four guys are hanging out.

One of them says, Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?

Larry says, I hope it's chuck because he's really cute.

My father suffers from short term memory loss

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.

This gives me hope for the next generation.

I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"

...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"

Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"

A woman's anger is like a Check Engine light...

There's no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.

Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."

I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...

We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.

The secret to Pavlov's hair?

Just a classical conditioner.

(I hope the name rings a bell)

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall.

We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

Wife: I hate you. Get out, I never want to see you again!

I hope you have a long and miserable life.

Husband: Now I'm confused. Do you want me to stay or not?

How to make Hope jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Hope to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Hope? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Hope pick up lines to share with friends.

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