Hope Jokes
170 hope jokes and hilarious hope puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hope that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A great collection of jokes with the theme of hope. You will find both light-hearted humour and reminders to be aspirational and stay hopeful. Find the perfect mean "i hope" joke to make everyone laugh, or a good "i hope" joke as a reminder to stay optimistic.
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Funniest Hope Short Jokes
Short hope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hope humour may include short hoping jokes also.
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
- My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
- My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
- Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charge dropped... I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
- Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends... I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.
- I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
- McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed. Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.
- A verdict has been reached in the Jussie Smollett trial. I hope he doesn't beat himself up over this, again.
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Hope One Liners
Which hope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hope? I can suggest the ones about luck and pray.
- I hope elon musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.
- Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.
- Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3? No
- What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day? Extra Karma... I hope.
- Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- Some say 1 out of 4 of your friends are gay or bisexual.. I hope it's Ted, he's cute!
- i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day
- Happy thanksgiving Guys! I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- To whoever stole my antidepressants at work last night... I hope you're happy now.
- I cheated on a girl that was a bartender. I hope she gives me another shot.
- Almost done watching that Netflix special on Epstein. I hope it doesn't leave me hanging.
- I hope Jessica Biel names her first child Batmo.
Good I Hope Jokes
Here is a list of funny good i hope jokes and even better good i hope puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree? Because they stick.
I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life. - I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good
- I really hope the new 'It' movie is as good as the original.. Because those are some big shoes to fill.
- How do you say 'direction' in pig Latin? Hope you had a good one!
- You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something? Because it's always ruff...
- The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial... I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!
- I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.
- We hoped for a good clean World Cup Final. But instead we got a Messi one.
Congrats to Argentina. - I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress" My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.
And that it's useful.
And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me. - There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy... He was hoping for a rash of good luck.
Hope And Change Jokes
Here is a list of funny hope and change jokes and even better hope and change puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many internet users does it take to change a light-bulb? I dunno. Let's just sign a petition so that hopefully somebody will do it.
- What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common? Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax.
- The enthalpy change for a combustion reaction is always negative In other words, fire is hot.
(chemistry joke, hope someone gets it...) - What is something a woman from Alabama hopes she'll never have to change her last name
- I have been married 38 years but have never been very romantic, so this Valentines night I am going to change, I have booked a table for two for me and the missus. Just hope she likes snooker.
- I hope Elon Musk sent the Tesla to space with some change. He'll need some way to pay the parking meteor.
- I never thought that the Internet was very useful, but now I've changed my mind.
Let's hope your new one works better than the one you had before.
Mean I Hope Jokes
Here is a list of funny mean i hope jokes and even better mean i hope puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- All this talk about hoping 2020 ends! Even though its cursed, we can't let it defeat us. That would mean 2021.
- I hope that if I ever get rich I won't be mean to poor people Like I am now
(Dark, I know, but one of my favorite deep thoughts) - My friend said to me "I hope you find a deep hole in the ground to collect water from." I know he means well.
- I hope I get $100 of bitcoin as a Christmas present I mean $120.23
EDIT $97.56
EDIT 2 $103.55
EDIT 3 $111.47 - I'm off to a communist speed dating night. I'm hoping I can seize the means of seduction.
- My Filipino flight attended was very mean to me She said she hoped I have a peasant plight.
Bob Hope Jokes
Here is a list of funny bob hope jokes and even better bob hope puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
God please don't kill Kevin Bacon. - There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.
- In 1987 we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope... Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
- Hope, Cash, and Jobs Steve Jobs is dead. Bob Hope is dead. Johnny Cash is dead. No jobs, no cash, no hope.
Comical Hope Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about hope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean promise jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hope pranks.
The difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bathtub?
one has hope in her soul.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)
...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."
The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."
Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."
This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that s**... when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
Missing South Africa
In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."
"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"
"Run-CMD"
(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)
An apple
A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.
Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.
A woman's anger is like a Check Engine light...
There's no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some men are discussing the meaning of life...
Some men are sitting around discussing the meaning of life.
One turns and asks the others, "If tomorrow all your loved ones found themselves at a f**..., gathered around your casket, what would you want to hear them say?"
One starts off saying, "I hope they would say I was a good father and husband".
The next says "I want them to say I was not only successful, but a kind and generous man too".
"I'd want them to say", says the last man, "Hey look, he's moving!"
The Entertainment
A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......
I at least hope they separate us by music genre.
What "being a man" is about
A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...
Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.
Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time l**... himself.
Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"
Chong replies, "well... maybe you should try to pet him first, man."
I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny
A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"
A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Recent study has revealed that m**... might help curing the common cold.
Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP
I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What face does a Syrian make when he has a bad day?
Assad one.
On a side note, I hope prosperity upon all the Syrians who have been displaced.
A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.
To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."
I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"
...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."
I hope college lives up to the hype
All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun
I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.
I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for s**...
I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church
I really hope I get the m**...
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paychecks are like d**......
Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope England beats Iceland...
Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."
"All of mine s**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
According to the vet, our dog is addicted to m**....
I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
Hey girl, are you the SAT?
Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual b**....
I hope it's me this year!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...
She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...
It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.
- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country
I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020
Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....
I'm sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If life gives you lemons...
I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna s**....
That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary
I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What did the Vampire say to the Teacher?
See you next period.
(Heard this 20 years ago, hope it's not overly recycled)
As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...
I said, "So you want me to stay now?".
I just found out I'm going to be a Dad! I'm really excited.
I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Daily Mail online: "m**... may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in
Hello!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...
We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.
I hope I never meet Frank
Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don't want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.
I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".
But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
I sure hope Roy Moore wins today
Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope your internet is k**...
Because it's about to get choked
The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.
The secret to Pavlov's hair?
Just a classical conditioner.
(I hope the name rings a bell)
Two blondes in a helicopter
Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"
My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.
A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Welcome to the "m**... 101" course. This is quite sudden, but there will be a test next week.
I hope all of you will come
My girlfriend is in a band
My girlfriend is in a band, and for our anniversary I bought her a new drum kit.
It was a cymbal of my love.
I hope this is an original joke.
The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..
"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
Four guys are hanging out.
One of them says, Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?
Larry says, I hope it's chuck because he's really cute.
If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:
Liver damage
My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.
I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard that 1 in every 4 men are gay...
I hope it's Steve. He's kinda cute.
When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...
Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!
