Hookers Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb?

Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement is still dark

I heard hookers are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.

It includes every position.

3 hookers are at a bar

They are each taking shots until one talks about how she can take the biggest cock. She says "I can by far take the largest cock, I can fit a whole remote in my vag"

The second hooker says "Thats nothing I can fit a whole wine bottle in my vag and not even feel it"

The third hooker sits there silently as she slides down the bar stool

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know yet. My Basement is still dark.

A couple of hookers are standing on a corner as a police car slowly drives by

One turns to the other and asks:
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies:
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits."

Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.

That's called the "wife experience."

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark.

Two hookers were on a street corner...

They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

What can't you hide in a basement full of dead hookers?

My erection

How many dead hookers in a basement does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than four, because it's still dark as fuck in here.

Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive hookers?

The FIFA headquarters.

Who paid with a nickel?

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.
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"Everyone."

Blind hookers

You gotta hand it to em

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

It sure as shit ain't three...my basement is dark as fuck!

Two hookers are standing on a corner...

when a cop car rolls by and the officer eyes them suspiciously. The girls act like they're waiting on the light to turn, and the officer drives off. One of the hookers watches the policeman drive off with disdain in her eyes. She asks the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other hooker ponders this for a bit then replies, "No, but I was swung around by my tits once."

They say if you love something set it free...

but I don't really love the hookers in my basement.

What do you call a hooker who teaches other hookers?

A prostitutor.

Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house

They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers. The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests. She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didn't matter what type of women they used. She collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms.

The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night.
The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other:

- Last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!

The other man said to his friend

- That's nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"

Two midgets go into a bar,

where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE.. UUHH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."
The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

Three hookers were sitting in a bar...

The first hooker says: "My pussy is so big men can fit an entire fist up there!"

The second one says: "Oh that's nothing, most men can fit *two* whole fists up mine!"

The 3rd hooker just starts sliding down the barstool.

Hookers and blow

Whats the difference between a hooker and a crack dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

Two hookers are standing on the side of the street..

Two hookers are standing on the side of the street. One says to the other, "It's going to be a great night! You can almost smell the dicks in the air!"

The other hooker responds, "I'm sorry, I just burped."

A woman buys a talking parrot that belonged to a brothel house before.She takes the parrot home:

"Oh, new brothel, new dames...cooool ".After a while the daughters come home. The parrot:" Oh, new brothel, new hookers...cooool. "After a while husband comes home. The parrot: "oh, new brothel, new hookers, old friends...hello Bob."

I like my health care like I like my hookers (oc)

Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

What do you call a group of hookers?

A whorde.

Jesus arrives at the last supper...

...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold something."

What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

Both of them cost $100 and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed!

Two hookers talking.

One ask the other. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? To which the other replies No, but I've been swung around by the tits.

There once was a man named dave

Who dug up a hookers grave

She was moldy as shit and missing a tit

Bit think of the money he saved

Girlfriends, wives, and hookers, and the differences between them.

Hookers say "Are you done yet?"
Girlfriends say "Are you done already?"
Wives say "Tan, we should paint the ceiling tan."

So I got a nose job last Tuesday...

It's amazing what hookers will do if you tip them.

(Original joke)

Two midgets decide to get hookers...

They went to a motel with their ladies and get two rooms. The first midget is really embarrassed because he cannot get an erection. His confidence was hurt even more when he heard his friend in the room saying "1, 2, 3, push!" Over and over again.

The next morning he was talking to his friend over breakfast. He said "That was the most embarrassing thing ever. I couldn't get a hard on"
His friend responds "You think that is embarrassing, I couldn't get on the bed."

Guy goes hiking the German alps. Passes a small village while it's getting dark. [nsfw]

Decides to look for a room and continue in the morning. Checks in a small guest house. It's night, he cant sleep, no radio, no tv ... what to do?
Goes and asks the host: "You wouldn't happen to have hookers in your village would you?"
Host says: "No hookers. Only Fritz."
"Fritz eh? Well ..." says the guy: " ... sure, who would ever know. How much does Fritz want?"
"400 Mark." Host says.
"400? That's a lot." says the guest.
Host explains: "Well, from those 400 I take a 100, cause it's my house and I dont really like it happening."
"Oh! So Fritz does it for 300?"
"No ... not really, no. From the 300 our mayor gets 100. Cause it's his village and he doesnt really like it happening."
"Oh poor Fritz. Only gets 200 then."
"Well ..." says the host "... not really, no. From the 200 Hans and GΓΌnther take 100 each for holding Fritz. Cause it's his ass, and he really doesn't like it happening!"

Two old guys want to get laid

So they go to a whorehouse.
The lady that runs the place doesnt want to waste hookers on them.
So she sets them up with a room with some blowup dolls.
The old guys pay the lady; get their rocks off; and start walking back to their homes.
One says to other "i think the broad i was fuckin was dead. She was all cold a rubbery..."
The other old man replies; "really? Because i am sure the bitch i was doodlin was a witch..."
The first old man wonders how he came to that conclusion.
"well we were gettin kinda kinky an i went and bit her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

Cheap British hookers are the best

...pound for pound

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 1583 cause its still dark down there its starting to smell.

What do you call a street full of cheap hookers and a McDonald's?

Quarter Pound Town.

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said,

"Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.

Prostitutes

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She replies, "Well, most of them become taxi drivers."

A Guy Walks Down The Street One Evening...

... when he walks around a corner and finds some hookers working the streets. He decides that he's horny and it's dark enough, he might as well, so he gets the first one and takes her behind a bush next to the road.

A policeman doing foot patrol stumbles upon them a few minutes later, shines his flashlight into the bush and asks: "What is going on here?!"

The man replies: "Sorry officer, just having an intimate moment with my wife".

The officer replies: "Oh... Sorry to disturb then sir, I didn't realize she's your wife" to which the man replies: "me neither, until you shone the flashlight on her"

A kid asks his dad about differences

Son: Dad what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?

Dad: Well son, before I tell you the answer I need you to go ask your Mom, Sister, and Brother if they would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

The son goes and does as he's told and comes back to tell his dad.

Son: They all said they would.

Dad: Well the answer to your question is that "Potentially" we could be 3 million dollars richer, "Realistically" we are living with 2 hookers and a fag...

I wanna make a toast to blind hookers

you really gotta hand it to them.

Jack the Ripper's reasons for killing hookers was pretty understandable.

They wouldn't accept him into their ranks as Jack the Stripper.

Two hookers are standing on a street corner

When the first hooker turns to the second and says "Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The second hooker thinks for a moment and replies, "Nope, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

What did the hookers hang on the christmas tree?

Whore-naments

Did you hear about the whorehouse where all the hookers quit?

The owner had to run everything by hand

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not 6, because it's still dark down there...

What do hookers and tattoo artists have in common?

The minimum is $60, unless you're willing to risk catching a disease.

This guy testifies about his guru

"Guruji", he says, " has reformed me completely. With his guidance and blessing I have given up smoking, gambling, eating meat, alcohol, drugs, sex with prostitutes, gay sex, killing hookers, cheating and stealing, beating my wife and kids, and raping animals!"

The guru is pleased and the audience applauds. But there the guys wife interrupts "There is one thing that he has still not given up!"

"Eh? What is that one thing?" asks the guru.

"Lying!" replies the wife.

What did the hookers left leg say to the right leg?

Between you and me, we can make a lot of money.

Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but the price will depend on where you want to put it in.

There were hookers talking...

Asked the one hooker the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?

Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

what do hookers and guns have in common?

the customer wants the most bang for their buck.

I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other.

He finally paid a contractor

How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?

Another two if I move my bike.

A woman and her son are in a cab

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Cause it's definitely not 4. My basement is still dark & I'm running out of room.

What is the difference between a Cadillac and five dead Asian hookers?

I don't have a Cadillac in my garage

Three Hookers are applying for a job on a nightclub

The manager asks them, "If you found a 100 dollar bill on the ground, what will you do?"

The first hooker said, "I will give it to the management of this club."

The next hooker said, "I will ask around if anyone lost it."

The last hooker said, "I will keep it. I consider it to be a tip."

Who do you think got the job?

The one with the biggest tits.

I like my hookers like I like my treasure...

Buried.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

At least 8. I've got 7 in my basement, and it's still dark down there.

Three hookers were sitting on a bar.

They chat for a while about work, when one of them ssays. "I can fit a glass up in my (you know)" the other one replies. "thats nothing, i can fit a bottle up in my (you know)" thats when the third starts to giggle. "whats so funny?" the other two ask. "ohh nothing" she says as she slowly glide down on the barstool.

Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?

Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best hookers in town .

How do you get 4 hookers to sit on a stool?

You turn it upside down.

Did you hear about the med student caught picking up hookers?

He claimed he was studying whore moans.

How do hookers get paid?

Income.

Two hookers are on a street corner..

One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I've been swung around by my tits."

I spent all of my money on hookers and drugs.

The rest I wasted

What are the funniest hookers jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hookers? Well, here are the best Hookers puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hookers pick up lines to share with friends.

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