Hook Jokes
162 hook jokes and hilarious hook puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hook that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the funny side of hooks with our hilarious compilation of amusing puns and wordplay! From Captain Hook to fishing hooks, pirate hooks, sky hooks, and Dr. Hook, you won't be able to stop smiling. Laugh out loud at jokes about mutinies, rods, snare and more, even a hook nose!
Quick Jump To
- Short Hook Jokes
- Hook One Liners
- Hook Up Jokes
- Pirate Hook Jokes
- Fishing Hook Jokes
- Captain Hook Jokes
- More Hook Jokes
Funniest Hook Short Jokes
Short hook jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hook humour may include short trigger jokes also.
- A lot of russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
- With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village.. The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.
- Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag." - I hate double standards. When a guy hooks up with a lot of girls, he's a player … But when I do it, I'm a lesbian
- Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands
I like this joke because it never grows old
This joke is off the hook
Sorry - I went to a party dressed as an egg and I hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken.
I guess we have an answer to that age old question.
It was the chicken. - Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade. Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.
- My friend had a German plumber hook up his new shower.... I guess old habits die hard because he hooked up the gas line instead.
- An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked" I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..
- What do you trust more than the government? The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.
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Hook One Liners
Which hook one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hook? I can suggest the ones about plug and wrapper.
- I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
- I was hooked on auctions after only going once ... ...going twice…
- Where did Captain Hook get his hook ? The second-hand store.
- Why is pirating so addictive? Once you lose your first hand, you get hooked.
- What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor? Dead Pan.
- Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From a second-hand store
- Why do pirates like to watch boxing? Because they can all appreciate a strong right hook.
- Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water? She was taking god's name in vein.
- Why did the duck need to sell himself? He got hooked on the quack.
- (Star Wars) If Finn and Rey hooked up and had a child The child would definitely be on the dark side
- What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive] A sandy hook survivor.
- Where do pirates get their hooks? At the second-hand store!
- Where do pirates buy their hook hands from? From a second hand shop.
- Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks? At the second hand store.
- How to curse like an Irishman "Whale oil beef hooked!"
Hook Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny hook up jokes and even better hook up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I told my dad a joke about Sandy Hook the other day. He didn't think it was funny I guess it's aimed at a younger audience.
- Do you guys want to hear about my Friday night? I had quite an experience at home by myself. At one point I even picked my coat up from the floor. It was off the hook.
- Star Wars Joke... If Finn hooks up with Rey...
He would be the first stormtrooper to hit something - After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.
He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion. - Best pick up line. Hey is your name Sandy Hook?
Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of kids inside you. - I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine and hooked up with a girl named Claire Lee. I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone.
- Why can't pirates use sign language? Because the hook makes everything sound like a question.
- If I go on a discount fishing trip and I lose the worm off the hook of my fishing line... Am I entitled to a rebait?
- Why are fish always on drugs? They just keep getting hooked.
- What was the pirate boxing champion known for? His left hook.
Pirate Hook Jokes
Here is a list of funny pirate hook jokes and even better pirate hook puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you heard that new pirate song? It has a great hook.
- I just started a pirate themed band with my friends, but we're having trouble writing songs for it All we seem to be able to write are the hooks
- Where did the pirate get his hook? From a second hand store.
- What's the best part of a pirate song? The hook.
- Why do Pirates always win boxing matches? They have a killer hook.
- How does a pirate win boxing matches even when he has no hands? Using only his left and right hooks
- I once got into a fist fight with a pirate... He had mean right hook.
- I fell in love with a pirate once But in the end it just turned out to be a hook-up.
- A pirate started singing me a song. I didn't really like it until he started swinging his arm around. Then I was caught on the hook.
- Why is it so hard to stop being a pirate? You lose one hand and then you're hooked.
Fishing Hook Jokes
Here is a list of funny fishing hook jokes and even better fishing hook puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The very first time I went fishing, I was instantly hooked! The second time I went fishing, I was much more careful casting.
- Girlfriends and fishing are similar There are many fish in the sea, but till you hook one, you're just holding your rod.
- I was never really into fishing until the casting accident. After that I was hooked.
- My friend told me I could fish better if I took the worm off the hook. That was debaitable.
- What makes a fishing story interesting? A good hook.
- Why did the fish quit smoking? He didn't want to get hooked
- There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts, and it should be called "Off the Hook".
- I went fishing but my hook fell off, then my line broke, then my pole snapped. In frustration I threw my broken pole into the water where it hit a fish and killed it.
It was a fluke. - I asked a bass what he thought fishing... He said, "I didn't like at first, but now I'm Hooked!"
- What does a librarian take fishing? A good hook!
(Evidently the correct answer is book worm but I liked my answer better!)
Captain Hook Jokes
Here is a list of funny captain hook jokes and even better captain hook puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids That explains Captain Hook
- What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop? The second hand shop.
- How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand
- What did Captain Hook say when he broke up with his girlfriend? "It's not you, it's Smee."
- What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media site? TikTok!
- Why did Captain Hook cross the road? To get to the second hand shop
- Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online. It was off the hook
- What did Wendy do when she first saw Captain Hook? She Peedherpants
- What is Captain Hook's least favorite online trend? TikTok
- What's Captain Hook's favorite style of comedy? Deadpan
Comical Hook Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about hook you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hang jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hook pranks.
What do women fall for more than anything else?
A left hook
what do h**... and guns have in common?
the customer wants the most bang for their buck.
h**...
Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars", she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a h**... before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?", asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."
Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face."
What do you think Rihanna's favorite part of Chris Brown's music is?
The beat? ...or the hook?
A couple at the nursing home
So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.
Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."
To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."
Not the best joke, but i did make it up myself.
Q: Why can you not hook two CD-ROM drives together to create a CD Writer?
A: Because two ROMs don't make a Write.
What did the h**... hang on the christmas tree?
w**...-naments
Three h**... were sitting on a bar.
They chat for a while about work, when one of them ssays. "I can fit a glass up in my (you know)" the other one replies. "thats nothing, i can fit a bottle up in my (you know)" thats when the third starts to giggle. "whats so funny?" the other two ask. "ohh nothing" she says as she slowly glide down on the barstool.
I like my h**... like I like my treasure...
Buried.
I know a h**... downtown that charges by the inch.
I can't afford her, but you probably could.
Why did the pirate's rap song become such a hit?
The bass was pegged, his hook was just right, and it made all the girls shake they b**....
A lady goes to the store to buy a hook
..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."
(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)
I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...
They do this for two reasons;
One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.
And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.
(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)
Heard this conversation passing by in college today.
Guy: Do you know why I'm such a good fisherman?
Girl: No why?
Guy: Because I've got a nice rod and I hook all the ladies with it.
Girl: I figured it was because you were a master baiter
What does a h**... get from Santa?
50 bucks
Black guy and a white girl hook up.
A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.
What do you call a little kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
My prediction for the fight.
I predict Mayweather with a massive right hook and an uppercut to finish it. Then once he's done practicing on his girlfriend, he will lose on points to Manny.
What does a h**... do on a stormy day?
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.
Guess who got the front porch repainted.
Hooking a clock on your belt
It would just be a waist of time.
There were h**... talking...
Asked the one h**... the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?
Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
A h**... and a priest walk into a spaceship...
It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back.
What is a h**... in Alaska called?
A frostitute!
What's the difference between a hook and a h**...?
You can unscrew a hook, but you can't unscrew a h**...
If two feminists get drunk and hook up...
...were they both r**...?
What did the h**... left leg say to the right leg?
Between you and me, we can make a lot of money.
What do you call a punch that can kill 20 kids and 6 adults?
A Sandy Hook.
Hooked up with this woman for a n**...
We were in bed going at whrn she hears her husband coming in the front door. She says "quick use the b**...." Looking back I probably should have left, but how often do you get an offer like that.
Piracy is killing the music industry
I mean, have you tried playing guitar with a hook?
Some h**... get paid to go out on dates before s**..., and call it the "girlfriend experience."
Others t**... and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're t**....
That's called the "wife experience."
What does the h**... say after you pay her?
Thank you, it's a business doing pleasure with you.
What did the h**... say to Gilgamesh?
I love a man in cuneiform.
What did the butcher do after he forgave the thief?
He let him off the hook.
What do h**... and tattoo artists have in common?
The minimum is $60, unless you're willing to risk catching a disease.
How do you get 4 h**... to sit on a stool?
You turn it upside down.
Met Roy Moore at a bar once...
Chatted him up about wanting to hook up with twenty-nine year olds.
He looked at me with disbelief and asked "how are you going to do all twenty at once?"
I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.
Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery
If a girl wants a satisfactory s**... life, she should hook up with a nice guy...
They finish last.
Captain Hook is claiming that he was s**... assaulted by his first mate some years ago.
It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
A boy walks up to a pirate
A boy walks up to a pirate and curious about his missing leg, arm, and eye, asks about them.
"Why are your arm and leg missing?" the boy asks.
"Well, I was attacked by a gator while burying me treasure. Now I got me a wooden peg and hook for me hand"
"Then what happened to your eye?"
"s**... seagull pooped in it."
"A bird p**... in your eye made it fall right out?" The boy asks, surprised.
"No, lad. That was the first day I had my hook!"
Two h**... are standing on the side of the street..
Two h**... are standing on the side of the street. One says to the other, "It's going to be a great night! You can almost smell the d**... in the air!"
The other h**... responds, "I'm sorry, I just burped."
What do you say to a h**... as she's leaving?
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
How many h**... does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but the price will depend on where you want to put it in.
In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook's right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...
Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee
How do h**... get paid?
Income.
A h**... approaches a middle-aged man at the bar and says, I'll do anything you want for $50.
He opens his wallet and says, Paint my garage doors.
$5 h**...
A man goes to see a 5 dollar h**..., he does his business and the goes home. The next day he was furious, he got c**... from the h**.... He decides to go back to the h**... and complain.
Man: This is outrageous I pay you and I get c**...!!!
h**...: Well what did you expect for 5 dollars? Lobster?
h**... were prepared for the pandemic
because they've always offered curbside pickup.
h**...: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50
h**...: You're a man of class :)
Man: Class my a**..., I want it five times on grass
A sailor walks into a bar
The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"
And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."
"Why do you have that hook?"
"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."
"You lost your eye from bird p**...?"
"It was me first day with the hook."
Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50
Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.
How did captain hook die?
His b**... itched.
A pirate at sea has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.
One of his companions ask how he lost his leg. He answers, "A cannonball." Then his companion asks how he lost his hand. He answers, "A sword." When the companion asks how he lost his eye, the man says, "A spray of the sea."
It was his first day with the hook.
It was a man's first day on a pirate ship.
He noticed the captain had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The man was curious so he asked the captain how he lost his leg.
The captain responded, Arrrrr, a shark bit me leg off.
The man asked how he lost his hand. Arrrr, I lost me hand in a sword fight.
Finally, the man asked the captain while he wears a patch over his eye. The captain said, Arrrr, a seagull pooped in me eye, and it was me first day with a hook.
Did you know that h**... don't f**...?
They just let out little prosti-t**....
h**... on Naval Subs
Substitutes.
Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook?
The charges were too legit to acquit.
