Hook Jokes

Following is our collection of Hook funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Hook jokes

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Hooker: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50

Hooker: You're a man of class :)


Man: Class my ass, I want it five times on grass

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands

I like this joke because it never grows old

This joke is off the hook

Sorry

I was hooked on auctions after only going once ...

...going twice…

Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.

That's called the "wife experience."

Where did Captain Hook get his hook ?

The second-hand store.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

My friend had a German plumber hook up his new shower....

I guess old habits die hard because he hooked up the gas line instead.

Hooker

Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?", asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."

Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face."

A hooker and a priest walk into a spaceship...

It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back.

What is a hooker in Alaska called?

A frostitute!

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Two hookers are standing on the side of the street..

Two hookers are standing on the side of the street. One says to the other, "It's going to be a great night! You can almost smell the dicks in the air!"

The other hooker responds, "I'm sorry, I just burped."

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird S*%t."
"It was my first day with the hook."

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they've always offered curbside pickup.

What do you say to a hooker as she's leaving?

It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

A sailor walks into a bar

The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"

And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."

"Why do you have that hook?"

"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."

"And the eye patch?"

"I looked up at a seagull and blimey, the scalliwag crapped right in me eye."

"You lost your eye from bird poop?"

"It was me first day with the hook."

What does a hooker get from Santa?

50 bucks

So I told my dad a joke about Sandy Hook the other day. He didn't think it was funny

I guess it's aimed at a younger audience.

What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive]

A sandy hook survivor.

Do you guys want to hear about my Friday night?

I had quite an experience at home by myself. At one point I even picked my coat up from the floor. It was off the hook.

A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.

Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."

To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."

A pretty poor man man walks into a bar.

He goes and sits at the bar before turning to the bar man.

'I only got a pound on me mate, anything I can get with that?'

'No,' says the bar man. 'But you can attempt a challenge for free drinks for the rest of the night.'

The poor man was up for it.

'Ok, so I'm gonna hook you up to this lie detector and you gotta try and make it get the wrong answer.' The bar man instructed.

So the poor man got hooked up to the lie detector.

'Off you go,' said the bar man.

'This lie detector will tell you that this is a lie.'

Nobody survived the following explosion.

Best pick up line.

Hey is your name Sandy Hook?

Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of kids inside you.

What was the pirate boxing champion known for?

His left hook.

Piracy is killing the music industry

I mean, have you tried playing guitar with a hook?

A bear and a squirrel are in the forest and find a genie's lamp.

Upon releasing the genie, he offers them each three wishes. The bear instantaniously wishes to be the only male bear in the forest so that he can hook up with all the female bears. The squirrel wishes for an acorn. The bear looks at the squirrel and tells him he's stupid for not wishing like the bear did. The genie asks what the next wishes are going to be. The bear, thinking bigger, wishes that he was the only male bear in the country. And the squrriel wishes for an acorn. The bear again pokes fun at the squirrel for not wishing like he did. Finally, the bear, thinking as big as he can, wishes to be the only male bear in the world. The squirrel takes off running, and just before he gets out of earshot, he shouts **"I wish the bear was gay!"**

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks how he got the peg leg.

"Well", says the pirate, "I fell into the sea and had to fight off a shark, but he ate me leg."

"What about the hook hand?" Pirate: "Me vessel got boarded by some scallywags and I lost me hand in the fight."

"Well, how about the eyepatch?"

"Ol' Polly here pooped in me eye!"

The bartender was confused and asked how that could possibly make him lose his eye. The pirate responds: "First day with the hook."

Not the best joke, but i did make it up myself.

Q: Why can you not hook two CD-ROM drives together to create a CD Writer?

A: Because two ROMs don't make a Write.

Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids

That explains Captain Hook

What did the hookers hang on the christmas tree?

Whore-naments

Where did the pirate get his hook?

From a second hand store.

My friend told me I could fish better if I took the worm off the hook.

That was debaitable.

What's the difference between a hook and a hooker?

You can unscrew a hook, but you can't unscrew a hooker

What do hookers and tattoo artists have in common?

The minimum is $60, unless you're willing to risk catching a disease.

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

What does the hooker say after you pay her?

Thank you, it's a business doing pleasure with you.

Hooker in Amsterdam

A man goes for a vacation with his wife to Amsterdam, he goes out alone for a drink, on a whim he decides to check the infamous red light district, while there he comes across a stunningly beautiful working girl, he goes up to her to negotiate the price, she demands 100$, he counters with 30$, she laughs at his face, so he goes on his merry way, the next day he is having breakfast with his wife at a cafe, the hooker passes him by and notices him and quietly whispers eyeing his wife, 'See this is what you get for 30$'

What do you think Rihanna's favorite part of Chris Brown's music is?

The beat? ...or the hook?

What did the hookers left leg say to the right leg?

Between you and me, we can make a lot of money.

How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but the price will depend on where you want to put it in.

Met Roy Moore at a bar once...

Chatted him up about wanting to hook up with twenty-nine year olds.

He looked at me with disbelief and asked "how are you going to do all twenty at once?"

If a girl wants a satisfactory sex life, she should hook up with a nice guy...

They finish last.

The pirate and the sailor

A sailor walks into a bar and sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eye patch. His curiosity leads him to approach the pirate and ask, "Why do you have a peg leg?"

"I was washed overboard and a shark bit me leg off." the pirate responds.

"Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your hook hand?"

"Me first mate tried to kill me with his sword but only got me hand instead."

"Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your eye patch?"

"I was walking along the beach and a seagull pooped on me eye." the pirate explains.

"A seagull pooped your eye out?" the sailor asks incredulously.

"No," the pirate explains, "it was the first day with me hook."

What did the hooker say to Gilgamesh?

I love a man in cuneiform.

How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand

There were hookers talking...

Asked the one hooker the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?

Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

What makes a fishing story interesting?

A good hook.

A lady goes to the store to buy a hook

..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

Childbirth: Special Delivery

A woman goes to a hospital with her husband to give birth because she is going into labor. When she arrives, the doctor tells her, "Ma'm, we have a device that will transfer pain from the mother giving birth to the father. It's incredible! Would you like to use it?"
The woman agrees and they hook her up to the machine. They turn the pain transfer to 25% given to the father. Her husband says that he is not feeling anything, but the woman is feeling less pain. So, they turn it up to 50% and the husband still feels nothing. The hospital staff turn it straight up to 100% and the woman has a painless childbirth and leaves hours later with her child.
When they arrive home, the woman says to her husband, "That was great! It's incredible that we both went through without any pain." As they get out of the car, the family goes to the front door to find the mailman dead on the doorstep. *

what do hookers and guns have in common?

the customer wants the most bang for their buck.

What do you call a punch that can kill 20 kids and 6 adults?

A Sandy Hook.

What do you call a little kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

$5 Hooker

A man goes to see a 5 dollar hooker, he does his business and the goes home. The next day he was furious, he got crabs from the hooker. He decides to go back to the hooker and complain.

Man: This is outrageous I pay you and I get crabs!!!

Hooker: Well what did you expect for 5 dollars? Lobster?

Heard this conversation passing by in college today.

Guy: Do you know why I'm such a good fisherman?
Girl: No why?
Guy: Because I've got a nice rod and I hook all the ladies with it.
Girl: I figured it was because you were a master baiter

I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch.

I can't afford her, but you probably could.

*(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*

Why did the pirate's rap song become such a hit?

The bass was pegged, his hook was just right, and it made all the girls shake they booty.

I like my hookers like I like my treasure...

Buried.

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar and sits. He is dressed as a stereotypical pirate, with a hook hand, peg leg, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder. As the bartender prepares his drink, he asks, "What happened to your hand?" The pirate replies, "I was sparring with me crew and one cut off me hand." Bartender: "What about your leg?" Pirate: "We were boarding an enemy ship and one guy went and cut off me leg." Bartender: "And the eyepatch?" Pirate: "Well, Polly pooped in me eye." The bartender exclaims, "That doesn't make you lose an eye!" The pirate sighs and says, "It was me first day with the hook."

Two fishermen are sitting in a boat indulging in some wordplay.

The first one says, "If I tell you a joke that relies on *casting* the word "rod" in a phallic sense, would you find it *fishy*?"

"Oh," says the second one, "I think I can *tackle* it."

"So... *net-net*, you'd take the *bait*?"

"Oh-ho! *Hook, line, and sinker*!"

"I don't mean to *lure* you..."

"Ha-ha! Brilliant, old chap! So, let's... *sea*: we've covered fishing tackle, bait, rods... what did we forget?"

"Well, I think we've covered it. After all, the *reel* jokes are in the comments."

How do you get 4 hookers to sit on a stool?

You turn it upside down.

Three hookers were sitting on a bar.

They chat for a while about work, when one of them ssays. "I can fit a glass up in my (you know)" the other one replies. "thats nothing, i can fit a bottle up in my (you know)" thats when the third starts to giggle. "whats so funny?" the other two ask. "ohh nothing" she says as she slowly glide down on the barstool.

How do hookers get paid?

Income.

Hooking a clock on your belt

It would just be a waist of time.

Why did Captain Hook cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop

Hooked up with this woman for a nooner

We were in bed going at whrn she hears her husband coming in the front door. She says "quick use the backdoor." Looking back I probably should have left, but how often do you get an offer like that.

My prediction for the fight.

I predict Mayweather with a massive right hook and an uppercut to finish it. Then once he's done practicing on his girlfriend, he will lose on points to Manny.

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook's right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

What did the butcher do after he forgave the thief?

He let him off the hook.

Pirate walks into a bar

As a bartender was cleaning up for the evening as a pirate walked into his bar. This was the most stereo typical pirate the bartender had ever seen. He had an eye-patch over one eye, a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, a hook for a hand, and spoke with the usual pirate accent. The only thing that set this pirate apart from all the other pirates the bartender had seen was the GIANT wood steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants.

The Pirate approached the bar and shouted "ARR...Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!"

The bartender said: "Sure pirate, but first, you have to tell me, what's with the giant steering wheel shoved down the front of your pants?"

The Pirate replied: "ARR, I don't know! But it's driving me NUTS!"

A hooker approaches a middle-aged man at the bar and says, I'll do anything you want for $50.

He opens his wallet and says, Paint my garage doors.

What do women fall for more than anything else?

A left hook

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.
At first, I didn't get this joke. I was lost, boys. But I love this joke, it never grows old, and it has a nice hook.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes