hood Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hood puns

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic...

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three members of the KKK walk into a bar...

They sit at the back in full costume.

The first Klansman thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"

The second Klansman thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"

The third Klansman thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest.

She sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.

She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"

The wolf keeps grimacing.

She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth.

She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf finally snaps and says, "Fuck off! I'm trying to take a shit."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A grammatical joke

Two nuns are driving down the road when suddenly a vampire jumps out and onto their hood.

One of the nuns yells at the other, "Sister Mary! Show him your cross!"

She jumps out of the car and screams at the vampire, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY HOOD!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Robin Hood went to see a doctor...

...he was diagnosed with Menintightis.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A car broke down on a Native Reservation...

...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"

"Piston broke", he replied.

"So are we. Get in."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest.

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest, on her way to Grandmother's house.
She skips down the path for a while, and as she turns down a bend she sees the Big Bad Wolf sitting by a tree.

"What big ears you have, Mr. Wolf!" Little Red Riding Hood exclaims.
The wolf gets up and runs away.

She continues down the path for a while and again sees the Big Bad Wolf, this time sitting next to a large rock.

"What big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!" She says.
Again, the wolf gets up and runs away.

Red Riding Hood shrugs it off and continues on her merry way. A bit further down the path, once more she sees the Big Bad Wolf. This time he's sitting next to a fallen log.

"What big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf!" says Little Red.

The Big Bad Wolf howls in frustration and shouts "FUCK OFF KID, I'M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!!!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A car carrying 3 men broke down in the middle of a desert...

"Let's each take a part and try to make it back to civilization." One of them suggested. They all agreed it was a good idea.

"I'll take the hood," said the first, "This way if I find myself atop a hill, I can slide down quickly, like a sled."

"I'll take the wheels," said the second, "In case I want to bring something with me I can roll it along instead of carrying it."

"I'll take the door." Said the last, "If I get hot I can simply roll down the window."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood.

Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood and starts trying to climb onto the roof. The nun driving the car says to the other nun "Lean out the window, and show him your cross!", so the nun rolls the window down, leans out the window and screams "GET THE FUCK OFF OF OUR CAR!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend tried to get me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic...

I told her if I was gonna have sex, it would have to be on my own Accord

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping

happily down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf! says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a tree stump. My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf! Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About another two miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf!

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… Will you fuck off?! I'm trying to take a shit!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me Robin Hood .

Stealing from the bitch and giving to the whore.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

pulled over by a cop

I was driving down the street this morning and a stupid goose flew out in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to swerve or stop and ran right into him. It must've hit at the right angle because sure enough, the goose bounced off the hood of my car, popped up, and smacked straight into a police car's windshield right behind me.

Immediately his lights went on and I got pulled over. I'm a bit pissed off at this point when the officer walks over to my car. He proceeds to ask if I knew why he pulled me over and after a shrug he looks down and says, it's for flipping him the bird.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest...

And suddenly she sees the wolf hiding behind a big rock.

Red: I see you, wolf, you're behind that big rock - she says

So the wolf leaves. She continues walking in the forest, when she sees the wolf again.

Red: I see you, wolf, you're behind that big tree - she says

So the wolf leaves, pissed off. She continues walking in the forest and she sees the wolf again

Red: I see you wolf, you're behind those bushes - she says

Wolf: Would you give me a break, I'm trying to take a shit here.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin is driving to a job interview...

A penguin is driving to a job interview when suddenly he sees smoke coming from the hood of his car. Stressed and angry because he might be late, he pulls into an autoshop. The mechanic assures him: "Don't worry, these things are usually easy to fix. Go across the street and get yourself a coffee, come back in five minutes, and I should have it fixed." So the penguin, already keyed up, doesn't think coffee is a good idea, but crosses the street and buys a vanilla ice cream cone. Being a penguin, with only flippers, the ice cream goes all over his face and chest. Now the penguin is really angry, late for his interview and all messy. He returns to the mechanic, who looks up from the car and says "it looks like you blew a seal".

The penguin says: "No no, it's just ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?

Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.

Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little dirty joke

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards herΒ Β  grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."


πŸ‘πŸΌ

Red Riding Hood from Chernobyl with 3 boobs walks through the forest...

Wolf is checking her out from the bushes and thinks about raping her.
Wolf jumps out of the bush, tackles her and starts to undress her.

He sees three boobs and says: "Oh my God, you have three boobs!"
She replies to him: "If you don't like it, you can suck my dick!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do people in the hood enjoy eating?

Spaghetto

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you tell a real Ferrari from a fake one?

You take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does a Buddhist from the hood say after his friends ask him to leave?

Namaste.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why doesn't Batman like going to Robin's house?

They don't like rich people in Robin's hood

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you know princess diana was on the radio during her car accident?

She was also on the dash, windshield and the hood

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two nuns are on a road trip...

...When a vampire flies out of nowhere and lands on the hood of the car. The first nun looks at the second nun and says, "Quick! Show him your cross!" The second nun gets out of the car and shouts at the Vampire,
"Get the fuck off my car you idiot!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If the world was a giant sweater, where would all the black people live

In the hood

πŸ‘πŸΌ

3 guys are driving in the desert and their car breaks down...

Their destination is 2 days away on foot, so the guys decide to take pieces of the car so they don't die.

First guy says "I'll take the radiator, we can drink the water from this"
Second guy says "I'll take the hood of the car, it will give us shade"
Third guy says "I'll take the door, I can roll the window down if it gets too hot"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Red Riding Hood

Was walking through the forest on her way to grandma's house, when she spotted the Big Bad Wolf hiding in some bushes; "Haha," she said; "I see you!" "Damn it!" The wolf replied and Red kept on walking. After a while Little Red saw the wolf, hiding behind a rock; "Haha! I see you again!" She said. "God damnit!" The wolf replied and Red was on her way again. After yet another good while, Little Red Riding Hood caught a glimpse of the Big Bad Wolf yet again, this time crouching behind a fallen tree; "Haha, wolf!" She said; "You can't hide from me!" The wolf angrily screams at Little Red; "For fucks sake girl, I'm trying to take a shit!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)

Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live in Australia right? Why do you Islams continue to dress like that?"

Lady just looks at him wierd, rips off her head gear and says "You know we live in Melbourne right...I'm not Muslim, I'm cold, you f***** idiot" then walks off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men line up to show off their skills at archery

They are to shoot off the apple off of a young boy's head. The first one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple clean off of the boy's head, and says, "I am Robin Hood!". The second one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple of the boy's head, and says, "I am William Tell!". The third one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the poor boy in the skull, who then proceeds to drop dead. The archer looks at what he has done, takes off his hat, and whispers, "I am sorry."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: "HALT!"

"I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"

Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"

Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!"

Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest.

The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!"

"HALT!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him dead aswell. He puts his mask back on and yells "did anyone else see my face?". At this point everyone is staring at the floor too terrified to look up. After a few moments of utter silence an old man raises his hand his while keeping his face on the floor he says "my wife got pretty good look at you"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods, and the Big Bad Wolf leaps from the bushes...

He growls, "Take off your top, and let me suck your tits!"
She replies, "Nice try" and she takes off her skirt.
"The book says that you have to eat me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the only positive about living in the hood?

HIV

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Hood jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hood? Well, here are the best Hood dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hood pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes