Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Honour Jokes
He raised a pretty good question, actually.
A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his g**... St. Patrick's Day.
He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honour of St.Patrick's Day, ' he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
Why did the bride's best friend become a Samurai...
because she was made of honour.
In honour of St Patrick's day, can you guess my Irish name?
Pat MiGroin.
Yeah, my grandpa just told me that one...some visual images cannot be unseen.
A woman was before a Judge for steeling a can of peaches.
**Judge:** "How many peaches were in the tin?"
**Woman:** "4 your honour."
**Judge:** "Very well you will serve a month in prison for each peach inside that tin."
From the back of the courtroom the woman's husband chimes up
**Husband:** "She stole a can of peas too."
A man is sitting in the dock at court.
The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".
A woman stood in court accused of attacking her musician husband with his own guitars.
The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked "First Offender?"
The accused replied "No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender".
*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*
Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"
Before a trial in a Death penalty case the judge asks the jury 1 question:
Judge: If the evidence warrants it, would any of you take issue with giving the death penalty to the defendant?
(Juror stands)
Juror: The prison is in Huntsville your honour?
Judge: Yes.
Juror: Well that's a pretty far drive for me & I work all week so I can only do it on a Saturday if that's alright with you.
A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my w**... for 9 months, so he is mine"
The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"
You can explore honour defendant reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean honour prosecution dad jokes. There are also honour puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Bought a litre of tip-ex today.
Huge mistake.
(in honour of all the dads out there, happy fathers day - UK)
So I was teaching my brother English...
I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.
An accused criminal is brought before a judge...
The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"
A man was in a court after being caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
The judge asked him, "How many peaches were in the can you stole?"
The man replied, "Five".
The judge gave him his sentence, "You will have five weeks in prison, one for each peach in the can".
The wife of the man, who was present in the court room, raised her hand and said, " Your Honour, he also stole a can of peas!"
My dad hanged himself recently. We decided to set up a committee in his honour.
However, we thought it would be inappropriate to have a chair.
She Offered Her Honour
He honoured her offer.
And all night long he was on her and off her!
Was given a VIP tour of a prison today
Maximum security? What an honour!
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
Judge: Well, we have 10 witnesses who saw you steal.
Prisoner: Maybe, your Honour, but I can give u 20 witnesses who did not see me steal.
Me: Hey, how do you spell color?
British Friend: C-O-L-O-U-R
Me: How do you spell honor?
British Friend: H-O-N-O-U-R
Me: How do you spell neighbor?
British Friend: N-E-I-G-H-B-O-U-R
Me: Why do you keep adding an extra 'u' in these words?
British Friend: dQw4w9WgXcQ
A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class
"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."
During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate all the food and returned her the empty container.
Shocked, she asked: "What happened? The boy replied: "Madam, I thought 'H' was silent.
A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody
The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**
An American is moving to Britain...
...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:
"Good mourning sir....
My local dental hygienist passed away last week.
A plaque was put up in her honour, but it kept getting removed.
A man got parking ticket
A man was charged in court for parking his car on the wrong side of the road.
Judge: Why did you park your car in a no parking area?
Man: Your honour, the sign read, Fine for Parking. So I thought it was fine to park my car there!
Asked my mum what she'd like for her birthday.
I wanna Dyson. She said excitedly.
So that's why is smothered her with a pillow, your honour
A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....
The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?
She replied "four, your honour".
The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.
Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of peas too".....
Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"
"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."
According to Scientists atom's are as old the universe
So therefore your honour she was legal
The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has came up with a new machine to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others , they have named it in honour of Putin who funded the project
It is called RARA's Grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine
I watched my friend die today
Before she died she gave me her epi-pen. I think it's an honour she wanted me to have it
Your honour, i'm not a robot
How could i possibly be charged with battery?
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
I got an honours degree in calligraphy.
To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job,
But it looks good on paper...
The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.
It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.
One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????
My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!!!
My English Teacher : What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container.
I replied, "sir, I thought 'H' was silent.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time?
Accused: No I didn't, your honour.
Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That's why I pressed charges against him.
Lawyer: Your honour, what if my client is guilty?
Cruella: w**...? You are supposed to defend me!
Lawyer: Relax. I'm playing de Vil's advocate.
Some people say I roll the best joints in the world
It's a doobious honour.
The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.
RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.
The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....
that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"
"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."
Edit : changed one word.
A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior
The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."
Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."
All, present in the court, burst out laughing.
b**... the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."
Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."
I invented a new aftershave in honour of the Omicron virus
I named it 'Leave me the Far Cologne'
My wife said, Let's honour his memory by watching a two hour documentary on Meatloaf.'
I said, I'll do anything for love, but I can't do that.
Part of a hospital was renamed in honour of an old man who scored three goals
It's now called the j**... Hat Trick Ward
Two Irishmen are stranded in the middle of the ocean
A bottle bobs up to their boat. One of the Irishmen opens the bottle and a genie comes out.
Thank you for freeing me! , says the Genie. In honour of your deed, I shall grant you one wish.
Before the first Irishman can get a word out, the second says Turn the whole ocean into Guinness!
The ocean turns a glistening black and the genie disappears. The first Irishman hits the second over the head and says,
Way to go, ya bleedin' idiot! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
A football fan appears in court for battery
The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?
The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.
The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?
(The judge points at the refs battered face.)
The fan: yeah... they were canned tomatoes...
Judge: "Lady, you shoplifted a can of tomatoes, so I sentence you to four weeks in prison, one for each tomato."
Lady's husband: "Your honour, don't forget she also stole a can of peas."
a gorgeous blond jumped out of her Porsche at an intersection and began shouting at me as our cars had touched ...
"Just ram me up the a**... why don't you" she shouted...
...And that Your Honour is where the confusion began. ..
What's the difference between the Mafia and Price Waterhouse Cooper?
The Mafia have a code of honour.
