Honor Jokes
153 honor jokes and hilarious honor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about honor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Did you know that you can salute and honor a person with an award, a joke or an honorable mention? Get a chuckle out of your Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor and Man of Honor when you share these hilarious and lighthearted honor jokes!
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Funniest Honor Short Jokes
Short honor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The honor humour may include short honour jokes also.
- The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
- A man is on trial for cannibalism A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,
"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man." - "Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat... And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
- My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
- In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice." - The show "COPS" is no longer filmed honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras
- When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work. It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
- Your honor, I have one last thing to say: If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.
- A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud. Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."
Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."
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Honor One Liners
Which honor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with honor? I can suggest the ones about glory and loyalty.
- In honor of Pi Day: Who founded the round table? Sir Cumference
- " Your honor, if you are what you eat then My client is an innocent man".
- What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69? Your Honor.
- What's a straight-A student's favorite type of sushi? The Honor Roll.
- But your Honor, if you are what you eat Then i really am an innocent child
- What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
- How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!
- Last week I fought for a woman's honor Apparently she wanted to keep it.
- What's better than honor? In her.
- White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee And surrender.
- In honor of St. Patrick's Day... Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
- A church sign says "Come Honor Faith"... Mike Tyson starts giggling.
- What does NASA stand for Need Another Seven Astronauts
- Why do pirates have trouble learning the alphabet? Because they spend years at Sea!
- Le Pen honored an age old French tradition. Losing.
Your Honor Jokes
Here is a list of funny your honor jokes and even better your honor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's this "✌"? A Roman ordering 5 more beers.
joke by Art Pozner. He told me I could take it with me, and in his honor, you can take it with you. - In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math. Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.
- My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
- She was a princess, He? a prince She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
All night long, it was
Honor, and Offer. - [In honor of Leonard Nimoy] How many ears does Spock have? Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.
- Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic. A big 10-4, if you will.
- In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender: Excuse me sir, is this stool taken?
- In honor of Cinco De mayo - Why do Mexicans cross the border two at a time? Because the signs say "No Trespassing".
- Onlyfans but it's a bunch of wholesome vietnamese guys that you can take home to your parents and bring honor to us all. It's called: OnlyPhans
- In honor of Father's day, a dad joke There is a rumor that a movie about a 17th century classical composers will be made. It will even star Arnold Schwarzenegger among others.
He'll be Bach
Man Of Honor Jokes
Here is a list of funny man of honor jokes and even better man of honor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- - Your Honor, I beg you. I have a wife and three children. I cannot go back to this nightmare. \- I'm sorry, Mr. Smith. You served your time and you are now a free man.
- A Man was on trial for cannibalism Judge:How do you plead
Man:your honor if the phrase you are what you eat applies then I am an innocent man - A man shot his wife Judge: Sir, why did you shoot your wife?
Man: Well your honor, it was easier than shooting a different man every night. - How Wonderful Did you hear the story of the man that had the great honor of being crushed by a steam roller?
He was flattered - A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony. Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.
- Why did the black man walk backwards? I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.
- Being a man of many flavors. I survived mustard gas and pepper spray, yesterday I was honored a seasoned veteran.
- What do you call a man accused with hysterical and unsubstantiated allegations? Your honor :\^)
- A man goes to court for public urination. The judge asks him, "How do you plea?"
The man replies, "standing up, your honor." - There is only one award higher than the medal of Honor: The Chuck Norris Medal of Roundhouse.
No mortal man has ever earned it.
Unearthly Funniest Honor Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about honor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean respect jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make honor pranks.
A man walks into work one morning...
A man walks into work one morning with a n**... black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.
"I got beat up defending my girlfriend's honor."
"Aww, that's sweet," said the receptionist, "what did your girlfriend think?"
"She couldn't believe how hard my wife could hit."
In honor of Lent . . .
It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! To who and for how long?"
A man is sentenced to 15 years in prison, but escapes after only 3 days
He's taken in front of a judge, who orders the prisoner to explain his actions. The prisoner says "Well your honor, the first day, they gave me a comb, then s**... off all my hair. The second day, they gave me a tooth brush, then pulled out all my teeth. The third day, they gave me a jock strap, I went over the wall". "Case dismissed" declares the judge
Joke in honor of mole day
Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"
s**... joke I made up, 101: Where does a sandwich go when it gets good grades?
Honor roll.
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
In honor of the Vikings/Packers game on Saturday...
How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you?
They grit their tooth at you.
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
A great cardiologist is being buried.
All of his colleagues and fellow surgeons are reunited to mourn his. All except for one man who is laughing. The cardiologist's coffin was in the shape of a heart to honor his career. The man continues to laugh. Finally they ask him why he is so happy at a f**... and he responds "I was picturing my f**... because I'm a gynecologist".
A guy moves into a new neighborhood...
And a r**... knocks on the door. The guy opens and the r**... says "howdy neighbor! welcome to the neighborhood! Tonight I'm gona throw a party in your honor - there's gona be a whole lot of dancin, a whole lot of drinkin and a whole lot of screwin!"
The guy replies "sounds great! What should I bring?" The r**... replies "wellp - you can bring whatever you want, it's just gona be you and me"
A Sunday School Teacher . . .
A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
In honor of Leif Erikson Day...
Leif Erikson returned to his village after many years sailing the ocean and discovering new lands. When he arrived home, he noticed his name was no longer in the town records. Puzzled, he visited the census-taker to inquire about the error.
"I've been a dedicated member of this community for many years. Why am I not on the town list?" he asked.
"I'm sorry about the mistake, Mr. Erikson," replied the clerk, "I must've taken Leif off my census!"
In honor of today's date (May the 4th be with you) I came up with a Star Wars joke
Did you hear about the new Jedi beer?
It's Force Ale.
So three ducks go to court...
The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."
Marriage Vows
A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people."
The night before the wedding
The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.
"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.
"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"
"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"
"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.
"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.
The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"
Trick or treat..
Smell my feet, give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear.
And that's why I was arrested, Your Honor.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
In honor of the Powerball
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
I've never been booed off stage.
I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.
In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.
"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"
- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before
A man is sued and goes to court...
A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)
It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...
He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.
"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"
Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a q**...?"
The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."
After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."
A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!
Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.
How do Reavers clean their spears?
They run them through the Wash.
(In honor of the late Shepard Book. RIP)
In honor of the Bowling Green Massacre, wear a green ribbon . . .
. . . or, perhaps more appropriately, some color you made up in your head.
Three guys were found trespassing in the city lake
They were put on trial and the judge called them in one by one
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 1: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 1 exits, Man 2 comes in
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 2: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 2 exits, Man 3 comes in
Judge: Dont tell me you were blowing bubbles too.
Man 3: No sir my name is Bubbles
At the wedding
Priest: Will you love & honor her?
Groom: I will
[Bride whispers to priest]
Priest: And leave your phone unlocked?
Groom: I'm out.
A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...
On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"
My friend told me I cant joke about r**....
So, your honor, I had to follow through with it.
An elderly woman appears in court for stealing
A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."
"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"
No way Jose! Another? I can Harvey believe it. Irma find somewhere safer to live.
The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.
RIP Hugh Hefner
Through his death, I'll be reaching for tissues in his honor for the rest of my life.
A woman gets called to court for shoplifting...
The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"
"Yes," the woman says.
"And what did you steal?"
"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.
"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.
"Six," the woman replies.
"Alright. Then I think it is just your sentence be six days in jail," the judge declares.
"...Uh, Your Honor?" the woman's husband says.
"Yes?"
"I think she stole a can of peas as well."
A man is arrested for killing a condor
A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."
What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has s**... with under age teens?
In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".
In honor of holocaust rememberance day
I told god a holocaust joke.
He didn't get it.
I said I guess you had to be there.
In honor of Pi day
I'm going to be irrational all day
Your Honor... this is why the child should be mine...
Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?
Me: Hey, how do you spell color?
British Friend: C-O-L-O-U-R
Me: How do you spell honor?
British Friend: H-O-N-O-U-R
Me: How do you spell neighbor?
British Friend: N-E-I-G-H-B-O-U-R
Me: Why do you keep adding an extra 'u' in these words?
British Friend: dQw4w9WgXcQ
The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"
"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."
Judge going through the file of an accused
Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time
There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.
His name was Sir Render.
Mac Miller recently passed away.
All of his homies are wearing their pants at half mast in his honor
In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke
Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."
She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"
He says, "Absolutely. But by the way, it's pronounced 'Fonz.'"
An American is moving to Britain...
...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:
"Good mourning sir....
A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
She was brought before the judge who asked, How many peach slices were in the can?
Six, she replied.
Ok, I'll give you six days.
Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
A man is on trial for m**....
The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.
The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on the apple peel and falls right on top of my knife."
The judge inquires: " And all this happened 16 times?"
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go.
The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog."
The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
When it comes to women, I always go by the honor system.
If you can't come in her, come on her.
In honor of international women's day....
Why are women like a hurricane?
at first they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house.
In honor of 420
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Bride
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out s**... life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.
And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.
