Honeymoon Jokes
124 honeymoon jokes and hilarious honeymoon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about honeymoon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some hilarious honeymoon jokes? Then look no further! Here are 10 of the funniest jokes about honeymoons that will have you in stitches.
Funniest Honeymoon Short Jokes
Short honeymoon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The honeymoon humour may include short holiday jokes also.
- She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man... Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.
- I met a old guy, he's been married 60 years. I asked how did you do it ... He answered, on my honeymoon I took my wife to France, I go back next week to pick her up.
- This one's true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied, I know you did, but where did you go?
- Honeymoon Sandwich I work in customer service and yesterday an old guy called just to share a joke with me and make me smile.
What's a honeymoon sandwich?
Lettuce alone with no dressing! - I was disappointed when it didn't snow on my wedding day... But I did get 8 inches on my honeymoon.
- What did Bill Gates wife tell to him after their honeymoon Now I know what microsoft stands for
- On their wedding night, the couple ordered a "Honeymoon Salad" Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
- Why couldn't the married couple wait for their honeymoon on Alderaan? It was gonna be a blast.
- Honeymooners (II) Her friend asked how the honeymoon went. "OK," she said. "Though Niagara Falls wasn't as big as I hoped, either."
- My wife asked for snow on her wedding day Sadly it didn't, although she got 8 inches on the honeymoon.
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Honeymoon One Liners
Which honeymoon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with honeymoon? I can suggest the ones about hood and trip.
- Why should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.
- Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon? To make the wife a mummy.
- Why does a honeymoon only last 7 days? Because 7 days makes a hole weak
- What is called a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone with no dressing.
- Ingredients for a Honeymoon Salad Lettuce alone without dressing.
- Why did the couple bring a melon to their honeymoon? Because they cantaloupe...
- Where did Prince Charles go on his honeymoon? Indiana.
- Seven days on honeymoon Makes one hole weak.
- Confucius say 7 days of honeymoon make one whole week.
- What does seven days of honeymoon make? One hole weak.
- I got a new dishwasher yesterday. We're on our honeymoon today.
- Definition of Honeymoon A man's last holiday
before he starts working
for a new boss !! - I prayed for snow on my wedding... No snow, but I did get 6 inches on my honeymoon.
- Dentist goes on honeymoon and puts up a sign saying "I'm not pulling out for 10 days".
- What were the 2 bees doing on the moon? They had their honeymoon
Honeymoon Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny honeymoon up jokes and even better honeymoon up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the worst possible city to visit with yout newlywed spouse during your honeymoon? Split, croatia
- My wife prayed for snow on our wedding day.. It didn't snow that day but she got 8 inches on the honeymoon. :D
- Did you hear about the couple who went on a second honeymoon to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary? This time it was his turn to sit on the edge of the bed and cry because it was too big.
- For their honeymoon, Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine Went to the beach and got a Tan. When they went back home, it took a Sec to find they needed a Cot.
- Yesterday I went on the 'Once in your lifetime Honeymoon' with my new wife... The manager congratulated me on my 100th visit
- A woman prayed for snow on her wedding day... But she didn't get any.
I prayed for snow on my wedding day, but sadly, there wasn't any snow. But on my honeymoon I got 8 inches. - You know the honeymoon's over when... your dog brings your slippers...and your wife barks at you.
- How do you make a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone, no dressing permitted.
(Credit goes to the tour guide on the Maid of the Mist ~1996) - Winnie the Pooh didn't really want to marry her ...he just dreamed of the sweet honeymoon.
- My best friend just returned from his honeymoon and told me he lost his brand new sunglasses and wedding band in the sea. I guess we will never know why the had their instruments with them
Amusing & Witty Honeymoon Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about honeymoon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lover jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make honeymoon pranks.
A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It's their first honeymoon night and the man doesn't quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says, "Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom." The newlywed thanks his father, hangs up the phone, and places his bowling ball in the toilet.
A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make."
She says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure.
You carry the suitcases!"
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend.
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."
"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"
While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asks her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
One of the two adult female friends got married and went on honeymoon to Hawaii.
On return curious other girl asked her friend, “What sightseeing places did you go in Hawaii and what did you see?”
The honeymoon girl explained, “For seven days, I saw only the fan on the ceiling of the room and occasionally when turned around, I saw the bed sheet too.”
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
A young, innocent couple goes on their honeymoon.
They get n**... and jump into bed, but neither knows what to do.
Eventually, they decide to rub their noses together.
After awhile, they decide to rub their toes together.
Finally, they begin to rub their hips together.
Suddenly, the man jumps up and runs to the bathroom.
After several minutes, he returns to the bedroom, looking scared.
"What happened?" asks his bride.
"I don't know," he replies, "but something curdled my u**...!"
A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar.
He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon.
The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation.
Lalu said, "Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know."
They went.
Had lots of fun and came back.
Wife back at home asked, "I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for."
The Husband said, "Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of s**..., jokes, fun all that is honeymoon."
The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."
How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
"Room service."
"Honeymoon salad."
"What's that?"
"Lettuce alone."
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her p**... and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your p**....'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-a**... attitude, you never will.'
A man was asked for his secret to a long lasting marriage...
**"Well, i took my wife to Italy on our honeymoon."** *"so what are you guys doing for your 20th wedding anniversary?"*
**"Im going back to get her."**
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"
A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"
Two lovers get romantic on the night of their wedding.
The newly wed lady blushes and asks, "Honey, where will you take us for our honeymoon?"
"I will take you to the farthest islands of the Caribbean!"
"Really? And what would you do on our 25th anniversary?", asks the wife, now blushing even more.
"I will bring you back."
Mr Sine and Miss Cosine go on their honeymoon..
Mr Sine and Miss Cosine get married and head for their honeymoon to a seaside destination. So they're chilling by the beach, and sipping on their drinks, and things get naughty soon. During a l**... session on the beach, Sine whispers into Cosine's ear, "It's a good thing I'm not on top, or we'd both be tanned".
Samantha got married
Samantha got married. And on the first day of their honeymoon, she and her husband had a fight. After a few hours of screaming and yelling Samantha cries and calls her mother.
Samamtha: "Ma, me and Steve had a fight."
Mother: "Oh, my dear Samantha, don't worry. I too had a fight with your father on our honeymonn."
Samantha: "And what did you do with the corpse?"
Second Honeymoon
Wife was reading a travel magazine and asked her husband..
"Honey, should we try Greece for our second honeymoon?"
Husband replied "What's wrong with k**...?"
Confessions of a newly wed.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn't sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up.
After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.
Recoiling, he says, Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks.
Told my friends I was taking my wife to the Caribbean for our honeymoon
One of them said "Jamaica?"
I said "No, she wanted to go"
Pricey set of teeth
A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a gift shop during her honeymoon in India.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Crocodile teeth" the salesman beamed.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that crocodile teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us"
"Of course not!" he objected.
"Anybody can open an oyster"
Winnie-the-pooh didn't want to get married
but the thought of a honeymoon was driving him crazy.
Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach
Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan.
When they returned it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"
My new oven cleaner is not working...
I said the honeymoon is over t**....
Do know what a honeymoon salad is?
Lettuce alone and no dressing.
Picked from the Stephen Colbert show.
My gay friend got s**... today.
I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.
The duck and c**...
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
Why is a honeymoon like a snow storm?
You don't know how many inches you're gonna get and how long it's gonna last.
My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.
I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"
"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"
Newly married bride : Ceiling fans
Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have t**... on premarital s**...
A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed
A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.
"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a h**... before we met, are you OK with that"
He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more
She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens"
Terrible diseases...
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other n**... for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"
I prayed for snow on my wedding day
Unfortunately I didn't get any, but i got 8" on my honeymoon.
A Christian couple
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
What? Why?
"It's all over the Bible, dearest."
"The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."
A husband's new wife really wants...
A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.
So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.
At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?
A r**... couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a s**... outfit and lies on the bed.
She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a v**...."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."
Who is he?
After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.
At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
A man and a women are in Hawaii on their honeymoon
They start arguing over the pronunciation of "Hawaii".
The man says it is pronounced "Hawaii" while the woman firmly believes it is pronounced "Havaii".
The woman is sick of this silly argument interfering with their vacation so she asks a local how it is pronounced and he says "Havaii".
The woman was elated to hear that she was correct and thanks the local for his help.
He responds, "You're Velcome".
On our honeymoon my new wife told me I was an awful lover.
I don't know how she could determine that in 2 minutes.
Every guy likes to think he's marrying a nymphomaniac..
Then after the honeymoon, the n**... leaves and the maniac stays.
She told me, No, sorry. My morals stop me from having s**... with a married man.
I wish she told me this before our honeymoon.
DISEASE
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other n**... for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"
A man asked his newlywed friend upon his return to work How did you spend your honeymoon?
The man replied Well we started out on the Riviera....but she slipped off the hood, so we finished on the driveway!
Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we're making out and the male duck said I forgot to bring any condoms! So he phones reception to see if they can help out. Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill? ...
No way! If you did that I'd suffocate!
Two virgins get married.
On their honeymoon the groom calls her mother and asks what they should do now.
The mother tells her son that the husband is supposed to stick the biggest thing he has where the wife pees.
To say the least, the wife was confused when she found her husband with his leg in the toilet.
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
