Hone Jokes

"Honey, if I die will you find another man?"

"No Honey, I will stay with my sister. And what if I die - will you find another?"
"No Honey, I will stay with your sister."

Why should honeymoons only last six days?

Because seven days makes a hole weak.

"You know, honey, when i'm old and very ill, i don't want to live like a vegetable..

i don't want to depend on any machine or any other fluids that are supposed to keep me alive". As i said that to her, she looked at me dearly, then she went on to confiscate my phone, laptop and flushed down the toilet all the beer i had.

Honesty Is Not Always the Best Policy (real news)

A Florida man arrested for speeding and DUI admitted to police that prior to getting in his car he'd been drinking beer and watching "The Fast & the Furious." Although, he admitted his favorite movie is "Dumb and Dumber."

Honeymooners (II)

Her friend asked how the honeymoon went. "OK," she said. "Though Niagara Falls wasn't as big as I hoped, either."

Second Honeymoon

Wife was reading a travel magazine and asked her husband..
"Honey, should we try Greece for our second honeymoon?"
Husband replied "What's wrong with k**...?"

Honey, I just won the lottery!

-- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!

How do you get honey from a graveyard?

From a zombee!
I'll see myself out

Honey, give me the baby.

-Wait until he cries
-Until he cries..? Why..?
-Because I can't find him...

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

"Honey, I just got into a terrible bike accident..

... So I don't think I can pick up the groceries on the way home. I think I broke my legs and maybe even a fractured rib. I'm bleeding all over too. Diane is bringing me to the hospital right now."
"Who's Diane?"
Girl's priorities.

Why does a honeymoon only last 7 days?

Because 7 days makes a hole weak

"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"

And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"

"Honey, I'm pregnant"

"Hello Pregnant", he whispers, tears of joy in his eyes. "I'm Dad"

Her: "Honey, I want to be with you 24/7"

Him: "Ok, see you on the 24th of July"

Honey, what is the name of that German that hides things around the house?

Alzheimer grandma, Alzheimer!

If honey bees make honey, what type of bees make milk?

Boo bees...... My dad just told me this one

"Honey, I think I lost weight!" "Get on the scale, I bet you'll find it."

Let's be honest...

Finn was a little bit on the Dark side...

Honey, we should really think about becoming parents.

I mean, we've already had the kids.

Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch

Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names

Honesty is the best policy

But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind.

Honey, the broken condoms are on the couch again.

I thought we were calling the kids by their names now dear.

"Honey, I don't like how you look with these new glasses."

"But I don't wear glasses.."
"I know, but I do."

"honey don't you think you're treating one of our kids unfairly?"

"who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?"

Honestly I don't like mushroom hunters

Some are nice, others just don't have any morels....

Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

"Honey, am I fat?"

"No, not at all"
"You're lying"
"I swear. By the way, you got something on your chin... no, the other one"

"Honey, you're not really nice to your son"

"Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"

"Honey, wouldn't you like to go back to the 60s?"

"Of course not! I like today's technology too much."
"But honey I'm talking about kilos you fat cow"

Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.

When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.
Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.

To be honest

She: You cannot find another girl like me
Me: I'm not looking for another one like you

- Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?

- I would take half of it and leave you.
- Ok, here's your $10

"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

"Honey, I think I'm ugly...."

So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:
"Darling, I mean look a that s**... smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"

If we're being honest, there is really only one country that has to worry about North Koreas nuclear weapons...

That country being North Korea.

Honesty is the key to a good relationship.

If you can fake that, you're in.

"Honey, I'm pregnant"

Hi pregnant ***I'm dad!***

M&M's Came out with a Honey Flavor.

They coated the peanuts in the Peanut M&M's with honey.
They called them "Beez Nuts"

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.

"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

"Honey I'm home!', says a girl to her boyfriend.

"Where have you been?"
"I went to the beauty specialist!"
"Wasn't she there?"

I honestly cannot deal with puns.

But I can with a deck of cards.

Honey, can we buy a mirror?

I need something that can actually turn me on in this house.

Why did the honest baker go out of business?

She refused to sugarcoat.

"Honestly son, it's all about separation of the w**... and the colored with some strategic hanging thrown in...

Other than that, there's not really much more I can teach you about doing laundry."

Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore...

Wife: why?
Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.
Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.
Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

I honestly believe if Kevin Spacey confesses his crimes that he can be forgiven.

As a Catholic Priest.

Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five s**... partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill.

Who gets to keep it? 
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.

Honestly 2017 should be recreated as a haunted house attraction.

But instead of being scared, You get angry and offended.

Me: Honey, we are having dinner tonight with a medieval ruler of Germany.

Her: F*c**.... Not Burger King again!!

-Honey, I have some problems at work.

Wife:
-Now there. Not "I" but "we"! When we got married your problems became my problems. What's wrong?
Me:
-Well then OUR secretary is expecting OUR child.

Honey, what's again the name of that German I am out of my mind about?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...

What's the most honest way to earn a living as a seamstress?

The Ernest Hemingway

"Honey, I'm late"

Wife: "Honey, I'm late"
Husband: "You're late? I should buy you a watch."
W: "No, I meant that I might be pregnant. "
H: "I know. I was making a dad joke."

I'm going to be honest and admit that I have used my phone while driving.

But seriously, who hasn't done things they regret when they are hammered

I honestly feel like sleeping is the thing I can do best.

In fact, I think I could even do it with my eyes closed.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I'm somehow a criminal

"Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!"

Says the woman.
But her wife was not happy.

If I'm honest...

I don't know where I'd be without my compass.

I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do with my life until i discovered dolphin-watching.

You could say I found my porpoise.

Honey, I really don't think you're fat ...

pull up two chairs and let's talk about it

Why did the honey bee swear so much?

Just bee cuss.

Honey i... husband starts.

- There's no "I", "Me" or "You" in marriage, there's only "we". The wife says.
- Ok, honey we fucxed your sister.

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an o**... action, don't you think?

"Honey, do I look fat ?"

Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.
"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"
Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "
Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "

To be Honest...

I'd have to change my name.

Honey, I accidentally set your son on fire!

Just kidding, it's not your son, it's arson.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

Honestly you gotta hand it to short people

No seriously they cant reach it themselves

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

Honey, I cleaned the bathroom!!!

Wife: Thank you
Hubby: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?!??!
Hubby: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the h**... are you talking about?!?
Hubby: The puffy thing with the handle!!
Wife: MY LOOFA
Hubby: You named the toilet brush?

"Honey, our son has very short attention span, we must do something about it!"

"Maybe we could send him to a concentration camp or something?"

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the h**... are we gonna play a tape?!"
​
"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

Honey, am I fat?

"No darling! You are not fat. You're skinnier than on the day of our wedding."
"Honey I'm hungry, can you carry me to the fridge?"
"Just a second darling. I'll bring the fridge to you."

"Honey, can you make me breakfast in bed?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"
"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,
"These idiots are in hundreds"

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

Him: honey, dew you want to run away and get married?

Me: what? no, we cantaloupe.