Hone Jokes

"Honey, if I die will you find another man?"

"No Honey, I will stay with my sister. And what if I die - will you find another?"
"No Honey, I will stay with your sister."

Why should honeymoons only last six days?

Because seven days makes a hole weak.

"You know, honey, when i'm old and very ill, i don't want to live like a vegetable..

i don't want to depend on any machine or any other fluids that are supposed to keep me alive". As i said that to her, she looked at me dearly, then she went on to confiscate my phone, laptop and flushed down the toilet all the beer i had.

Honesty Is Not Always the Best Policy (real news)

A Florida man arrested for speeding and DUI admitted to police that prior to getting in his car he'd been drinking beer and watching "The Fast & the Furious." Although, he admitted his favorite movie is "Dumb and Dumber."

Honeymooners (II)

Her friend asked how the honeymoon went. "OK," she said. "Though Niagara Falls wasn't as big as I hoped, either."

Honey, I slept with a stranger tonight.

April Fools'.
It was your sister.

How do you get honey from a graveyard?

From a zombee!
I'll see myself out

Honey, give me the baby.

-Wait until he cries
-Until he cries..? Why..?
-Because I can't find him...

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

"Honey, I just got into a terrible bike accident..

... So I don't think I can pick up the groceries on the way home. I think I broke my legs and maybe even a fractured rib. I'm bleeding all over too. Diane is bringing me to the hospital right now."
"Who's Diane?"
Girl's priorities.

"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"

And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"

"Honey, I'm pregnant"

"Hello Pregnant", he whispers, tears of joy in his eyes. "I'm Dad"

Her: "Honey, I want to be with you 24/7"

Him: "Ok, see you on the 24th of July"

If honey bees make honey, what type of bees make milk?

Boo bees...... My dad just told me this one

I can honestly say that the Just Say No! approach kept me completely drug free throughout my youth.

Whenever I saw a group of kids doing drugs and I asked if I could try some, they just said No!

"Honey, I think I lost weight!" "Get on the scale, I bet you'll find it."

Let's be honest...

Finn was a little bit on the Dark side...

Honey, we should really think about becoming parents.

I mean, we've already had the kids.

Honey, does the baby do parkour?

"No" she says. He replies "then he fell out the window".

"Honey, I don't like how you look with these new glasses."

"But I don't wear glasses.."
"I know, but I do."

Honestly I don't like mushroom hunters

Some are nice, others just don't have any morels....

Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.

When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.
Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.

Oh, honey baby; are you a mountaintop skateboard race?

Coz there's you with those curves, and me with no brakes!

To be honest

She: You cannot find another girl like me
Me: I'm not looking for another one like you

Honest Husband

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

Honesty

Wife : " ..but I always tell you the truth after I lie."

If we're being honest, there is really only one country that has to worry about North Koreas nuclear weapons...

That country being North Korea.

Honesty is the key to a good relationship.

If you can fake that, you're in.

M&M's Came out with a Honey Flavor.

They coated the peanuts in the Peanut M&M's with honey.
They called them "Beez Nuts"

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.

"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

"Honey I'm home!', says a girl to her boyfriend.

"Where have you been?"
"I went to the beauty specialist!"
"Wasn't she there?"

I honestly cannot deal with puns.

But I can with a deck of cards.

Honey, can we buy a mirror?

I need something that can actually turn me on in this house.

Why did the honest baker go out of business?

She refused to sugarcoat.

Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore...

Wife: why?
Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.
Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.
Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

I honestly believe if Kevin Spacey confesses his crimes that he can be forgiven.

As a Catholic Priest.

An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill.

Who gets to keep it? 
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.

Honey, do these pants make my rear end look big?

No, your rear end makes the pants look big.

Honestly 2017 should be recreated as a haunted house attraction.

But instead of being scared, You get angry and offended.

What's the most honest way to earn a living as a seamstress?

The Ernest Hemingway

"Honey, I'm late"

Wife: "Honey, I'm late"
Husband: "You're late? I should buy you a watch."
W: "No, I meant that I might be pregnant. "
H: "I know. I was making a dad joke."

I'm going to be honest and admit that I have used my phone while driving.

But seriously, who hasn't done things they regret when they are hammered

I honestly feel like sleeping is the thing I can do best.

In fact, I think I could even do it with my eyes closed.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I'm somehow a criminal

"Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!"

Says the woman.
But her wife was not happy.

"Honey, do you feel fat?"

"Yes, I do!"
"It's okay."
\*Rubs her tummy\*
"I feel it too! haha."

Honey, where did my underwear go?

"in your breif case"

If I'm honest...

I don't know where I'd be without my compass.

I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do with my life until i discovered dolphin-watching.

You could say I found my porpoise.

Honey, I really don't think you're fat ...

pull up two chairs and let's talk about it

Why did the honey bee swear so much?

Just bee cuss.

I can honestly say I've learned things from each one of my exes...

Patience

Honey i... husband starts.

- There's no "I", "Me" or "You" in marriage, there's only "we". The wife says.
- Ok, honey we fucxed your sister.

Honey, will you marry me???

No! But I will always respect your great taste.

Honey, do I look fat in this dress?

I said as I looked into the mirror.

I'm an honest, hardworking kind of guy.

I lied, I'm too lazy to even come up with a good punchline for this.

"Honey, do I look fat ?"

Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.
"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"
Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "
Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! I will just go get the fridge.. "

Honey, I accidentally set your son on fire!

Just kidding, it's not your son, it's arson.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

Honey, am I fat?

"No darling! You are not fat. You're skinnier than on the day of our wedding."
"Honey I'm hungry, can you carry me to the fridge?"
"Just a second darling. I'll bring the fridge to you."

"Honey, can you make me breakfast in bed?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"
"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,
"These idiots are in hundreds"

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

Him: honey, dew you want to run away and get married?

Me: what? no, we cantaloupe.