Homes Sale Jokes
46 homes sale jokes and hilarious homes sale puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about homes sale that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Homes Sale Short Jokes
Short homes sale jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The homes sale humour may include short selling house jokes also.
- I wish my parents would have named me "Sale" I'd have a lifetime supply of free homes & cars...
- How would Madame Foster begin the process of putting her Home for Imaginary Friends up for sale? By contacting a Fake Estate Agent.
- A guy brought his girlfriend home and told her there was a sale in his bedroom. Clothes 100% off.
- I just bought a sleeping bag from a car boot sale and it's living up to its name. It's been snoring all the way home.
- A crime boss works part time selling grass to people in his home city... I went over to his shop and asked if I could help him with his sales. He told me to stay off his turf.
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Homes Sale One Liners
Which homes sale one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with homes sale? I can suggest the ones about house for sale and selling your house.
- They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership. The prices are pre-fabulous
Comical Homes Sale Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about homes sale you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean yard sale jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make homes sale pranks.
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.
” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.
” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife. "See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean." When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?" "Surprise," says the old man and hands her a s**... tiny teddy. The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on. She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small. She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening. Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely n**... and pretends to model it in front of him. Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says, "For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles."
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a man from Alabama . . .
He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated h**... type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .
Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?
One day, very tragically, Catfish Jeb's wife and sister died. A terrible hunting accident where he was mistaken and thought he was shooting at a deer. Beyond distraught, Catfish Jeb hurried home to his cabin and called up his church's preacher, Bill.
Bill answered his phone right away, greeting happily in that churchy way. Despite the cheeriness, Catfish Jeb was in tears as he told the preacher what happened. "Ma wife and sis'ta are ded, Billy," he blubbered.
Bill was a little miffed; he hated being called Billy. But with the light of God always shining down upon him, he forgave Catfish Jeb the instant the misname left his lips. "I am terrible sorry to hear that, Jeb," the preacher consoled.
On the phone, Bill and Catfish Jeb arranged a f**... for the bumpkin's wife and sister to be held at the church. It was to take place that Sunday, right before the bake sale. They planned the flowers, the music. Bill agreed to have someone make pamphlets on the grieving r**...'s behalf.
"One last thing, Joe," Bill said, pen poised in hand.
Catfish Jeb wiped at his eyes. "Yessa, preacher-man sir?" he simpered.
The preacher man pursed his lips. "Will you be needing one coffin, of two?"
There were two sisters...
Once upon a time, in the wild, wild West there were two sisters, Jill and Susie. A relative of theirs dies and leaves the two sisters a ranch. The ranch was run down and they had little else to their name besides the ranch so they thought they'd invest what they had left into a stud bull to mate with their cows.
They found an ad in the paper for a healthy bull for sale for $500 and decided Jill would go down and see if the bull would be suitable and Susie would stay back and manage the ranch. If Jill decided the bull was fine she would send a telegraph back home to have Susie come down and help bring the bull back up.
Jill travels out to look at the bull and decides that it is worth the money. She pays the $500 and goes to the telegraph office to send word to her sister. She told the operator she'd like to send a message to her sister that the bull was fine and that she should come down to help bring it back to the ranch.
The operator told her it would cost $1 per word. All Jill had left after buying the bull was $1 and she thought long and hard about the message she could send. Finally, she told the operator to send the word "comfortable." The operator shook his head and said, "I don't get it, why the word comfortable?" Jill said, my sister is blonde, she'll look at the word and read it slow. COM-FOR-DA-BULL.
A blonde and a brunette bought a farm...
...and although the farm came stocked with a barn full of hay, some chickens, and a few horses, they only had one cow and needed a bull to raise more. They checked the newspaper listings and found a bull for sale a few hundred miles away.
The brunette bought a train ticket and took their remaining $50 to buy the bull. When she arrived, the seller refused any offers below $45, leaving the brunette without enough cash to get her and the bull home. She decided she would send a telegram to her friend to pick them up.
At the post office, the postman tells her a telegram will cost her $5 per word. Since she only has $5 left, she can only send one word to her friend. Thinking long and hard about what to send, she finally decides on "comfortable". The postman looks puzzled and asks, "Why comfortable?"
The brunette says, "My friend is blonde and reads really slowly. To her, it will say 'Come-for-ta-bull.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Death Notice
An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""
Use this when a sales person calls you at your home
I saw this on seinfeld last night:
salesperson calls.
seinfeld: Hello?
salesperson: hi would you be interested in blah blah blah.
seinfeld: actually im really busy right now but if you give me your house number i can call you when im free.
salesperson: i actually can't give you my home number...
seinfeld: oh, because you don't want people calling you at home?
salesperson: yeah, exactly.
seinfeld: well now you know how i feel! (hangs up)
i am definitly using this next time i get a salescall.
The Diet Pill
A woman heads to a supplement store to buy diet pills in hopes to lose weight. She asks the sales clerk what he recommends and he hands her a pill bottle claiming they are the best. She pays and goes home eager to lose weight. After a week she notices no effects and that the pills are very light, she opens one up and to her surprise they are empty. She goes back to the store and asks why these pills are all empty. The sales clerk then replies, "Well miss, they *are* diet pills".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a woman walks into a pet store...
and sees a parrot on sale for 50 bucks. Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty v**... things." The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "I guess that's fine. I'll take him". So she brings the bird home and sets its cage up near the front door. When he knows what's going on he says, "new house, new madame!" The woman thinks to herself, "it came from a brothel, so I guess it's just learning". The woman's daughters get home from school and the bird says, "new house, new girls, new madame!". "It will just take time" she thinks. Then the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "hi Jeff!"
100 camels
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get back home.
A blonde goes to a electronics store...
and walks up to the sales associate and says, "I would like to buy the TV in the corner."
The associate says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes."
Furious, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair black. The next day, she returns to the store. She sees the same associate and says, "I would like to buy the TV in the corner."
He replies, "Sorry ma'am we don't serve blondes here."
Figuring the associate recognized her, the woman goes home and this time dyes her hair red. She returns to the store the following day. The previous associate isn't there and tells another associate, "I would like to purchase the TV in the corner."
The associate says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes here."
The blonde says, "You have never seen me before, how do you know I'm blonde?!"
He responds, "That is not a TV, it's a microwave!"
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Comfortable
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a slow reader."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas...
Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely n**... except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? ... IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hanging down
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely n**... except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
On his way home from work, a man realizes he has forgotten a birthday gift for his daughter...
He stops at Toys R Us and heads straight to the Barbies. Overwhelmed by all of his choices, he approaches a nearby sales associate. She then proceeds to show him their most popular Barbie dolls.
"Well, here we have Astronaut Barbie, Surfer Barbie, and Veterinarian Barbie... but our most popular doll by far is Divorced Barbie."
"Divorced Barbie? What makes her so popular? That seems like an odd choice..." the confused father replies.
The sales associate proceeded "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture, and Ken's best friend."
Cheap parrot
A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.
She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.
The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Divorced Barbie
One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's
birthday.
He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?"
"We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made from Ken's t**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely n**... except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
'Nope' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!' Bert yells.
To which Margaret replies… Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.
Lawnmower for sale
A little boy hears the doorbell and answers the door. The gentleman at the door says, "Hi, I'm here about the lawnmower that's for sale."
The little boy replies, "My parents aren't home right now, but it's in the garage if you want to look at it."
The man starts pulling the rope to make sure it will crank. After several tries, he says, "Son, this lawnmower won't start."
The boy says, "That's because you haven't cussed at it yet."
Startled, the man replies, "I'm a man of the cloth. I haven't said any swear words in years."
The boy says, "Keep pulling that rope - it'll come back to you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bartering with Beer
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads
"Talking dog for sale"
Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog
"I have had a very full life" says the dog
"I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq,
and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home"
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner
"This is incredible! why on earth do you want to get rid of this dog?"
The owner says "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that."
Little man in a bar, staring sadly at a shotglass for hours.
A big burly guy comes in, slaps him on the back, and downs the shot in a single gulp. The little guy bursts into tears.
"Hey, calm down, man, it was just a joke," says the big guy. "Look, I'll buy you another drink."
"No, you don't understand!" blubbers the little guy, struggling to keep it together. "I'm having the worst day of my life! Today at work, I flubbed a big sales deal. The boss chewed me out in front of the whole company and fired me on the spot. I came home early to find my wife in bed with another man. And just when I had decided to end it all, you went and drank my poison!"
A man walks into a car dealership…
And a sales representative walks up to him and asks if he could help him find a car. The man responds with little to no detail about what *kind* of car he is looking for. The sales representative continues to ask the man to think of something that would help narrow down the kind of car that they should be looking at.
The man finally says, On the highway, I tend to not use my turn signals…and…if there is traffic, I justify the shoulder as an open lane for me since I *need* to get home. Does that help?
BMWs are this way, sir.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color, new outfit and big sunglasses, and then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.
Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
No, replied the man. My son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date.
So what's with all the stuff? asked the neighbour.
Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!
I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a p**... hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!
I was at a garage sale yesterday
My wife saw a beautiful grandfather clock, but the guy told her it was beyond repair.
The little hand was broken, and it wouldn't move, so the clock was basically useless.
The guy said if we could fix it, we could take it home with us.
My wife kicked the clock, making the little hand start moving again.
Needless to say, the clock is hours.
Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in.
So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog.
I've led a very full life, says the dog. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?
The owner says, Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!
A man walks past a house that has a sign posted up saying "Boat for sale" and decides to check it out
As he's walking up the driveway, all he sees is an old car and a grill.
Confused, he knocks on the door and asks the Jamaican home owner, "hey, I can see that you have a sign out front saying you've got a boat, but all I can see is an old car and a grill.."
"Ya mon!" the Jamaican home owner excitedly replies, "and dem boat for sale!"
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...
The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was for 50.
The Apiarist replied: >!that's a free-bee!<