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Homes Jokes

139 homes jokes and hilarious homes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about homes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Featuring jokes about everything from nursing homes to mansions, this article has something to laugh about for everyone. Read on to explore the world of properties, homes and more through a comedic lens!

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Funniest Homes Short Jokes

Short homes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The homes humour may include short rooms jokes also.

  1. Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.
  2. Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50 Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.
    Riceless.
  3. I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
  4. I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
  5. My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
    No, I'm not, I laughed.
    She said, I'm talking to the kids.
  6. My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?
    We've updated our privacy policy
  7. Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00.. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
    Riceless
  8. I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
  9. Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
  10. I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids. But when I came back home, they were still there.

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Homes One Liners

Which homes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with homes? I can suggest the ones about hosts and shops.

  1. I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.
  2. How did communists light their homes before candle? with light bulbs
  3. What did Britons use to light their homes before candles? Electricity.
  4. I have designed a website for orphans there isn't a home page
  5. I just finished designing a website for an orphanage There isn't a home page
  6. How do Millennials fireproof their homes? By never owning one.
  7. 85% of all Fords made are still on the road today... The other 15% made it home.
  8. I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
  9. Strippers don't have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans
  10. I love eBay! Sold my homing pigeon 4 times this month.
  11. What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date? He wax off
  12. Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: Because they don't know where home is.
  13. I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids But when I got home, they were still there.
  14. A Robber entered my home in hopes of finding money..... I joined the search with him.
  15. I went to the acupuncturist the other day When I got home my voodoo doll was dead

Homes Sale Jokes

Here is a list of funny homes sale jokes and even better homes sale puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I wish my parents would have named me "Sale" I'd have a lifetime supply of free homes & cars...
  • They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership. The prices are pre-fabulous
  • How would Madame Foster begin the process of putting her Home for Imaginary Friends up for sale? By contacting a Fake Estate Agent.
  • A guy brought his girlfriend home and told her there was a sale in his bedroom. Clothes 100% off.
  • I just bought a sleeping bag from a car boot sale and it's living up to its name. It's been snoring all the way home.
  • A crime boss works part time selling grass to people in his home city... I went over to his shop and asked if I could help him with his sales. He told me to stay off his turf.

Foster Homes Jokes

Here is a list of funny foster homes jokes and even better foster homes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Yo mama is so ugly A foster home adopted a highway instead of her.
  • A Riddle: Where did the apple go when it's parents died? Answer: To a Bananas foster home.
Homes joke, A Riddle: Where did the apple go when it's parents died?

Nursing Homes Jokes

Here is a list of funny nursing homes jokes and even better nursing homes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
  • Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can't spell toboggan
    (This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)
  • A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
    'He's like a fish out of water.'
    'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
    'No, I mean he's dead.'
    -Mike Close-
  • What do nurses watch at the old folks home? The grammies!
  • My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.
  • My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen. We call it LAARPing.
  • Biden visits a nursing home. He goes over to an elderly woman and asks, Do you know who I am? She replies, No, but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you.
  • Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
  • Where is the largest nursing home in the whole United States of America located? Washington D.C.
  • Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.

Funeral Homes Jokes

Here is a list of funny funeral homes jokes and even better funeral homes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I want to make a f**... home in the forest I'll call it "Mourning Wood"
  • A young man is fired from his job after asking customers if they wanted smoking or nonsmoking. He was fired because the correct terminology in the f**... home business is cremation or burial.
  • What do you call two f**... homes right next to each other? Stiff competition.
  • I've always wanted to own a f**... home.... With the slogan, "We love it when business is dead."
  • A man walks into a f**... home... He asks the mortician if he's had much business lately.
    "Not really..." the mortician says, "It's been pretty dead around here".
  • How did the f**... home make so much money? They had the market coronered
  • I'm a f**... home director People are always dying to get my attention
  • I'm anti vaxx I own a f**... home so it's good for business
  • This bar that was near my house turned into a f**... home awhile back. The place isn't as alive as it used to be, but they've still got some cold ones in the freezer.
  • o**... working at our local f**... home is supposed to be a necrophiliac. He's responsible for the creamations.
Homes joke, o**... working at our local f**... home is supposed to be a necrophiliac.

Uplifting Homes Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about homes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jobs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make homes pranks.

A pious priest is taking a tour of the Glen Canyon Dam...

A pious priest is taking a tour of the Glen Canyon Dam when, suddenly, a hole blasts out of the side of the dam and water starts to pour out.
The priest knows that if the reservoir is emptied, the people downstream will be flooded and have to leave their homes.
He turns his attention to God as all good priests do and cries
O God! Dam it!

How many NASCAR fans does it take to change a tire?

None - they took the wheels off their homes years ago.

What did the Latino say when two houses fell on him?

..get off me homes.

What's a g**... say when a house falls on him?

Get off me, homes!

HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE

Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.

A funny joke indeed

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**...."

I got fired today, because my boss caught me m**... with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

Why are all rabbits n**...?

Because they dig homes.

Did you hear about the small portion of society that decided they were going to live in mobile underwater homes

I think they call themselves a "sub" culture.

Homesick

Husband talking to his wife: Honey im Homesick
Wife: What do you mean you are home
Husband: I know, Im sick of it.

What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him?

Ayyyy watch it homes!

Old age homes s**...

people are dying to get out of there.

Cholo

What did the cholo say when two houses fell on him?
"Get off me, homes!"
My brother heard this on Tosh.

The Mexican word of the day is "wheelchair"

"Yo homes, I got a lot of pizza. Want some? Come sit down and wheelchair"

What does a Mexican say when a house falls on them.

Get off me homes.

What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.

What size lumber is used to build homes in Dubai?

Dubai fours

Q. What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles?

A. Electricity.

What do you call a Mexican detective?

Sherlock, homes

What did the Mexican say when his house collapsed on him?

Hey, get off me homes !

My 8 year old son wrote this...

What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?
A poultry-geist.

What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake?

Get off me, homes.

Trump is the only candidate qualified to win this election

He is the only one with experience evicting black families from their homes.

I don't know why people call Donald Trump inexperienced

He used to remove black families from their homes all the time.

What do you call a detective in the real estate business?

Sherlock Homes

What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

What did the homeless Mexican bodybuilder say when he ran out of protein?

No whey, homes.

Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...

Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

Frog reads a book

There's a man who goes to the library and sees a frog there, who takes out 10 books.
The next day, the man goes back to the library and sees the frog return the ten books, and check out another 16 books! The man is very curious to how the frog reads these books so quickly so he decides to follow him home...
THe frog gets homes, sits down, picks up the book and goes "Readdit" Picks up the second book and goes "Readdit!" and so on....

What do Eskimos use to keep their homes in place?

Iglue

Dogs, Not Marriage or Kids, Motivate Millennials to Buy Homes

I don't know how they afford it though.
Dogs are expensive.

f**... homes are a great place to hit on women.

No matter how many times you punch them, they will never complain about it.
Or: They might give you the cold shoulder at first, but if you keep at it, they'll eventually warm up to you.
Or: Because of recent trauma in their lives, they are very receptive to having s**....

A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

Why do homes of the elderly smell funny?

Because they're dying on the inside.

How is the iPhone X like an orphan?

Neither of them have homes.

How is the iPhone like a homeless person?

They used to have homes but ever since they lost their Jobs they lost their home

BREAKING NEWS: Snails in Puerto Rico losing their homes just as badly as the people.

But with limited relief resources, they will have to slug it out for awhile.

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

Introverts unite!

Separately in their own homes

What do retirement homes smell like?

Depends.

What does an amateur Mexican real estate agent say to his clients.?

Hey look, homes

I hear they're building apartment buildings for detectives only

They're calling them Sherlock Homes.

Before candles, what did North Korean communists use to light their homes with?

Electricity.

What is communism?

- Let me explain.. If you had 2 yachts and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course.
- Well, that's communism. Another example, if you had 2 homes and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course I would.
- See, its easy. If you had 2 coats for example and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- No!
- No? Why not?
- Because I *do* have 2 coats

Want to hear a joke about building homes for charity?

Never mind, it has a long buildup but no real payoff.

In the 1950's people were worried about having their homes wire-tapped.

People today are are saying, Hey wire-tap what will the weather be like tomorrow?

How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?

Sight unseen.

I have a friend who's a cannibal, but he's a really great guy. He only eats murderers, rapists, and child molesters. He builds homes for the homeless. He volunteers.

He's a real humanitarian.

What do nursing homes smell like?

Depends...

Why don't Jamaican people secure their homes?

Because they dread locks

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

How many homeschoolers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea, but I can guarantee that every single one of them will get at least half of a credit for it.

Sherlock opens a realtor business.

Calls it Sherlock Homes.

What do you call a cholo investigating a crime scene?

Sherlock homes foo.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen....

.....Ungrateful bleeders, all I said was,
'Hurry up, for Pete's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

What do gay cholo gangsters and nerds have in common?

They love being in their homes and doing their essays.

Communists must love Tsunamis.

They take the homes of the wealthy and give poor people access to the beachfront.

We must wipe out all of the homeless people

By giving them homes :)

I can't stand it when my friend plays Skyrim.

Personally I play a lawful good approach, trying to stay out of trouble, but when I invite Jacob Yu over he goes full-on thief! Always breaking into homes, stealing things, getting fined and thrown in jail. I ask him on occasion if he'd prefer a different playstyle, but he simply prefers this one. So every time he comes over, I know...
It's a fine day with Yu around.

Do you know why ghosts always haunt the homes where they once lived?

Because they really hate the office.

What do you call Benedict Cumberbatch closing his front door.?

SherLock Homes

I am homeschooled and it has always been hard. Today though I found a really easy way to get an A!

All you have to do is sleep with the teacher

I was homeschooled growing up but I don't like to tell people that.

What I do like to tell people is that I had a teacher in high school that used to let me put her n**... in my mouth.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**....

What did the people of Venezuela use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

How can Homestuck Cosplayers teach us about diseases?

Assume a Homestuck cosplayer walks into a con, wearing body paint.
By the end of the con, everyone will walk out with that body paint on them in some way.

What did the cholo say when the house fell on him?

Get off me homes!

in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.

it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.

Americans leaving their homes to rally outside against having to stay in their homes

Thought the title was enough

I recently walked down a street where the homes were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1024K

It was a trip down memory lane

Did you know there's a room in US homes where you are no longer American?

The bathroom! Because then European.

Girl guides

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was
selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting
several homes, she commented on the different styles of
doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.
We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.
At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house,
the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look
of amazement on her face. "Now THAT'S a a door bell"

A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates

A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Homeschooling cancelled in Alabama

Too many students sleeping with their teachers.

Do you know how morticians get better at getting caskets to f**... homes?

They rehearse it.

Strippers don't have air conditioning in their homes

OnlyFans

In response to the pandemic, the construction industry is finally letting employees work from home.

Only catch is it ain't their homes.

What did communists use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity

Can you believe that only 40% of American homes have a safety switch?

I was shocked!

Homes joke, Can you believe that only 40% of American homes have a safety switch?

jokes about homes