Homeless Jokes

Following is our collection of jobless humor and vagabond one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Homeless puns for adults, dirty hypothermia jokes or clean beggar gags for kids.

There is an abundance of refugee jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes on homeless. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any unemployed witze you can hear about homeless.

The Best jokes about Homeless

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home

She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."


I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home.

She smiled and said yes! But seemed very surprised when I took her cardboard box and walked away.

A man goes to buy a Ferrari...

but he was short of $1.

He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."

The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.


I saw this cute homeless girl on the street..

..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...

Told a girl to text me when she got home.

She must be homeless.

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.

You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

What do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

What do you call a homeless horse?

Unstable

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

I've been dating a homeless woman recently and I think it's getting serious...

She's asked me to move out with her...

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"


i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me

like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

The iPhone X removes the home button.

Meaning you'll be homeless on several different levels.

What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can just drop her off anywhere.

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"




He said "I am very hungry."





"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."





You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?

He had no proper tea..

What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang...

This joke has been removed.

Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.

To desire more is greed.

I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them

I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning

I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, hey I know what you're about to do, and I won't pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It's been a really long time.

She replies, no you sicko!

So he says it's cool. I'll just go wait at the bottom.

Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard?

A pillow fight.

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you"

I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

This homeless man had a sign that said "one day this could be you"

So i put my dollar back in my pocket just in case he wasn't lying

I was walking down the road and I saw this really hot homeless girl...

So I asked her if I could take her home with me. She said yes and so I took her box to my house.

Dating a homeless girl

I can just drop her off anywhere after the date right?

What do you call a homeless Hitler?

A roofless dictator.

What do you call a bass player without a GF?

Homeless.

I've been dating a homeless girl

So I've been dating this homeless girl.

Things are getting pretty serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

I just waved a $100 bill to a homeless guy on the other side of the highway

Welcome to my version of Frogger

The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless.

He has been declared mentally unstable.

A homeless man walks by a bar...

He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".

This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it.

Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.

I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me.

She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.

I Always Feel Bad For Gay Homeless People

They have no closet to come out of.

Willpower

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn, & a jumbo sausage. A poor, homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A homeless vagabond approaches a woman, who is about to commit suicide from by throwing her self from the rooftop.

Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!

I made a homeless girl happy yesterday when I asked if I could take her home.

She got less enthusiastic when I walked away with her box.

Why did the duck become broke and homeless?

Because he smoked to much quack

I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...

And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.

Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society.

Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!

What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

What do homeless people get for Christmas?

Hypothermia.

A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;

"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

Sex with a homeless guy

is right up your alley

The homeless man and the farmer

A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.

In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"

"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."

"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"

"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"

"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.

"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"

"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..

I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.

Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.

I wish I had a home big enough for all the homeless people in my town.

They wouldn't be allowed to come there. That's just how big I want my house to be.

I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home.

She must have been homeless.

What did the homeless guy get for christmas?

Pretty hungry

Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."

The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."

The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"

The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

There were some monks in a monastery...

...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".

A homeless guy walks into a bar

A homeless guy walks into a bar with an enormous smile on his face. The bartender says, "Wow you look happy today, what's the deal?" The homeless guy says, "Well, I've just had the most incredible day! This morning, I was walking along the train tracks when I saw something up ahead. I walked up to see what it was, and there was a woman tied to the tracks. So I untied her, took her back to my tent under the bridge, and we've just been having sex all day! This has seriously been the best day of my life!" The bartender looks at him with an astonished face and says, "Wow, that is amazing! Is she hot?" The homeless guy replies, "Well I don't know, I never found her head."

Straws and Toothpicks

A bartender is clearing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he finds a homeless man standing there who asks

"Excuse me but could I bother you for a toothpick?"

The bartender doesn't see why not and so gives the man a tooth pick.
Later on there is another knock at the door and it another homeless man who again asks

"Excuse me could you give me a toothpick?"

And again the bartender gives him a toothpick.
Just as he is away to look up the bartender hears one final knock at the door. Upon opening it he sees just like the two previous times: a homeless man. Only this time he asks for a straw. The bartender fetches a straw but out of curiosity asks why. The homeless man says

"Some guy threw up round the corner, and all the good stuff is gone."

How can you tell when a surfer dude just broke up with his girlfriend?

He's homeless now.

What do you call a musician who's been dumped by his girlfriend?

Homeless!

Facebook

So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook.
It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'...

If two Homeless people are hitting each other with a cardboard boxes...

Is it a pillow fight?

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

Broke

I just really hate it when homeless people shake there cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they have more money than me?

Why was the beaver homeless?

He just couldn't give a dam.

If I had a Dollar,

If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked for change, I would still pretend to have not heard them.

The wine taster

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Very hungry.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes