homeless Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious homeless stories

What are the best Homeless puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Homeless? Well here is a complete list of Homeless to have fun with:

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...

"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"

The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,

"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."

He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.

She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.

"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."

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I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.

She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes."

"Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat."

"How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow."

My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these -

"Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."

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This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". He said "Because it's MY hand".

It was so funny I gave the guy five bucks.

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy that was sitting on a bench last night

but he told me to fuck off and buy my own...

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A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

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Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

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The homeless pianoman

On a thursday afternoon, a homeless man walks down a street and sees a "pianist wanted" sign in the window of a bar. The man goes into the bar, sits at the piano and begins to play. The owner of the bar hears the man play and is completely blown away.

"That song is amazing, what do you call it?" the owner asks.

"Tits and ass," the homeless man says and starts to play another song. The owner, again amazed, asks the name of the new song.

"Fucking her slowly," the man answers.

"Alright," the owner says. "How about you come back tomorrow night and play here and I'll pay you, but whatever you do, do not say the names of your songs."

The next night, the homeless man is at the bar playing his first song and all the patrons love it. At the end of the song, the man stands up to take a bow and his dick is hanging out of his pants.

"Hey," says a parton. "Do you know your dick is hanging out?"

"Know it?" The homeless man exclaims. "I wrote it!"

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I saw this cute homeless girl on the street..

..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

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Told a girl to text me when she got home.

She must be homeless.

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What do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

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the homeless woman

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

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I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

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I tried to share a subway sandwich with a homeless man on the bus.

He kept telling me to fuck off and get my own.

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Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

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A homeless man told me this one. (Kinda NSFW)

Why do women have two pairs of lips?

One to bitch with, and one to apologize with.

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I've been dating a homeless women recently and I think it's getting serious...

she asked me to move out with her.

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A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

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I just waved a $100 bill to a homeless guy on the other side of the highway

Welcome to my version of Frogger

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The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless.

He has been declared mentally unstable.

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A homeless man walks by a bar...

He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".

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Willpower

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn, & a jumbo sausage. A poor, homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

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Confucius say...

Difference between camping and being homeless is intent.

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A few days ago I wanted to share a sandwich with a homeless person...

...but then he told me to fuck of and that I should buy my own sandwich.

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I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me

and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in.

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(OC) A little joke I just made up...

Homeless people never get inside jokes.

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A homeless guy walks into a bar

A homeless guy walks into a bar with an enormous smile on his face. The bartender says, "Wow you look happy today, what's the deal?" The homeless guy says, "Well, I've just had the most incredible day! This morning, I was walking along the train tracks when I saw something up ahead. I walked up to see what it was, and there was a woman tied to the tracks. So I untied her, took her back to my tent under the bridge, and we've just been having sex all day! This has seriously been the best day of my life!" The bartender looks at him with an astonished face and says, "Wow, that is amazing! Is she hot?" The homeless guy replies, "Well I don't know, I never found her head."

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Straws and Toothpicks

A bartender is clearing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he finds a homeless man standing there who asks

"Excuse me but could I bother you for a toothpick?"

The bartender doesn't see why not and so gives the man a tooth pick.
Later on there is another knock at the door and it another homeless man who again asks

"Excuse me could you give me a toothpick?"

And again the bartender gives him a toothpick.
Just as he is away to look up the bartender hears one final knock at the door. Upon opening it he sees just like the two previous times: a homeless man. Only this time he asks for a straw. The bartender fetches a straw but out of curiosity asks why. The homeless man says

"Some guy threw up round the corner, and all the good stuff is gone."

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Facebook

So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook.
It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'...

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Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

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If I had a Dollar,

If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked for change, I would still pretend to have not heard them.

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Why was the beaver homeless?

He just couldn't give a dam.

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Drummer

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?


Homeless.

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What's an advantage of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

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I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for a few dollars for food.

I pull $10 from my wallet and ask the man "if i give you this money will you buy beer with it?"

"No i had to give up drinking years ago" the man replied

"Will you use it to fish instead of buying food?" I asked

"No i dont waste time fishing" he replied " I have to use my time to try and stay alive"

"Will you use it to buy hunting equiptment i asked?"

"Are you NUTS? I havent been hunting in twenty years!!"

"Well" i said " instead of giving you the money im going to take you home and give you a nice hot bath, and a amazing dinner cooked by my wife"

The man, astounded asked " wont your wife be furious?"

I replied "dont worry about that. It's important for her to see what happens to a man when he stops hunting, fishing and drinking."

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What's the best part about dating a homeless chick ?

You can drop her off anywhere

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What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

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For sale, homeless man.

Still in box

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What did the homeless guy get for Christmas?

Very, very hungry.

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Two Jewish homeless guys

are down and out and just walking down the street when one of the men spots a sign on the Catholic Church and says, Look at that! The sign reads, Convert to Catholic and make $10. The other guy says, I don't know about that. Well I do says the other. I need the money. So the one goes inside and the other, with nothing to do, kicks back on the curb. After an hour and a half the guy comes back out of the church.
So what happened? asks his friend.
I converted, I'm a Catholic now.
Well, did ya get the ten dollars? asks the friend.
IS THAT ALL YOU PEOPLE THINK ABOUT?

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Bum wine

A gay guy walking down the street, really down in the dumps over his sex life, overhears a bum in an alley say to another bum "whenever I get good and drunk, I can't remember a thing. I mean, it doesn't even take much and I am just out cold, dead to the world".
Upon hearing this, the gay guy gets an idea. He leaves 10 dollars in the homeless man's cup and walks away. Now this guy hadn't seen so much as a dollar in weeks so the first thing he does is go to the corner store and buys a bottle of wine. He slams it down, and passes out in his alley. The gay guy, waiting for this, jumps at the chance to release a little sexual frustration and just goes to town on this guy. Come to find out, it's the best sex he's ever had. So he finishes, leaves 20 dollars in the mans cup and heads home.
The homeless guy wakes up with no recollection of the evening and 20 dollars in his cup. Ecstatic, he goes and buys 20 dollars worth of wine. Once again, he passes out and the gay guy swings by to get his rocks off.
This continues for a few days until he's leaving 100 dollars in the cup when he leaves. The homeless man heads to the corner store again and slams 100 dollars down on the table. The clerk says "100 dollars worth of wine, coming right up". Homeless guy says "no, no, no, lemme get a 100 dollars worth of whiskey. I don't know what's up with that wine you sell here, but goddamn it makes my ass hurt."

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I told a girl to text me when she gets home.

She must be homeless.

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There's 3 bears..

Mama bear, papa bear and baby bear.
The parents get divorced and have to go to court to decide custody of the baby bear. The judge decides to let the baby decide:
"do you want to go with your momma baby?"
Baby replies : " no because she beats me!"
Judge: " How about with your papa?"
Baby:" No he beats me too!"
Judge :"then what do you want to do baby bear?"
Baby: "I want to go with the Chicago bears"
Judge:" why the Chicago bears?"
Baby "Because they don't beat anyone!"

I'm from Chicago, a homeless guy told me this one on my way home from work because I have a bears patch on my bag. Found it funny but it hurt!

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Just saw two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard....

Pillow fight?

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Rodney Dangerfield joke

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike.

She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best homeless jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty homeless gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these homeless jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Homeless jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

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