Homeless Jokes
165 homeless jokes and hilarious homeless puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about homeless that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of homeless jokes. From funny one-liners to hilarious jokes about being homeless, we've got you covered.
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Funniest Homeless Short Jokes
Short homeless jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The homeless humour may include short unemployed jokes also.
- I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her.
- I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
- I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
- I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I replied, "Surely you must be joe."
- 2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people. 1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs - Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless.
- I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket
- Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.
- A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days". She replies "where do you get the self control?"
- i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in
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Homeless One Liners
Which homeless one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with homeless? I can suggest the ones about hobo and nomad.
- I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$ I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$
- When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party Now I'm homeless
- I saw a homeless man living in a tire today, so I popped it Now he lives in a flat
- Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.
- What do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
- What do you call a homeless horse? Unstable
- What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can just drop her off anywhere.
- Why does the homeless man only drink coffee? He had no proper tea..
- What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard? A pillow fight.
- Why did the duck become broke and homeless? Because he smoked to much quack
- What do homeless people get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
- What's in common between Elon Musk and Homeless man They both do not pay taxes
- What did the homeless guy get for christmas? Pretty hungry
- How can you tell when a surfer dude just broke up with his girlfriend? He's homeless now.
- What if 85% of Homeless veterans are 2LTs lost on a land navigation course?
Homeless People Jokes
Here is a list of funny homeless people jokes and even better homeless people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend? A: Homeless.
These just jokes people... - Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society. Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!
- It's flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other. They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.
- Sometimes when I give money to homeless people, bystanders shout "Why bother? They're only going to buy drugs or alcohol with it!"... oh, like I wasn't?!
- Why are homeless people the best spies Because they can't afford to be seen
- There was a demonstration by homeless people in my town today. They were demanding change.
- People think I'm an idiot, just because I'm a homeless man that asks people to debate with me. I beg to differ.
- Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world. Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.
- What is the difference between homeless people and feminists? Sometimes the homeless get change.
- My friend is scared of the homeless people he sees on the streets. I told him to stop being hobophobic.
Homeless Shelter Jokes
Here is a list of funny homeless shelter jokes and even better homeless shelter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang... This joke has been removed.
Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.
To desire more is greed. - why didn't the clothing drive at the homeless shelter not work out? ..nobody gave a shirt.
- Thousands of homeless water faucets die on the streets without food or shelter each year. Let that sink in.
- The poster for a Homeless shelter's charity orchestra night reads... Come on down to the shelter and blow some Oboes!
- A joke my younger brother once made up when he was 5 years old: Where do homeless egg shells go? ...the shelter.
- Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.
Blame GROCO PCA - A Blind Man walks into a BART Train lol, no he's just at a Homeless shelter.
- BREAKING NEWS: Man covered in mirrors sets fire to homeless shelter! At last he has formally apologized to the shelter after having time to reflect.
- There was a birthday party at the homeless shelter It also had a poor punch line.
- The store supershoes is like the menu at a homeless shelter. Would you like the soup, or the shoes?
Homeless Kid Jokes
Here is a list of funny homeless kid jokes and even better homeless kid puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Don't adopt a puppy to see if you're ready for kids Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don't go anywhere.
- Can teachers give homeless kids... ... homework?
- Guy: Police, yeah there's this black kid harassing a homeless person. Police: You had me at black
- I asked a homeless woman if I could take her home for the night Just kidding. I'm hobophobic.
- What do you call a punk rock kid without a girlfriend? Homeless.
- When Kim Kardashian is off camera she is helping little homeless kids. Too bad she is always on camera.
The Funniest Homeless Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about homeless you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heartless jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make homeless pranks.
A homeless guy asked me for money today
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
I met a pretty girl.
Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
A man goes to buy a Ferrari...
but he was short of $1.
He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."
The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did homeless people vote for Obama?
Because he said he'd bring change.
I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!
The iPhone X removes the home button.
Meaning you'll be homeless on several different levels.
In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...
We call them "three seasoners".
They don't make it through the fourth.
Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench
One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...
Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"
He said "I am very hungry."
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst thing about a woman's p**...?
Your nuts hang out the side.
A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...
I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!
He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning
I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley
In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."
Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.
You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you"
I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
I was walking down the road and I saw this really hot homeless girl...
So I asked her if I could take her home with me. She said yes and so I took her box to my house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a homeless h**...?
A roofless dictator.
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
A homeless man walks by a bar...
He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".
I just waved a $100 bill to a homeless guy on the other side of the highway
Welcome to my version of Frogger
The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless.
He has been declared mentally unstable.
Willpower
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn, & a jumbo sausage. A poor, homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'
I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it.
Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.
I saw a werewolf behind the bus stop last night!
Or a really hairy homeless guy.
Either way, the silver bullet worked!
A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.
The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bagpiper at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...
And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.
The homeless man and the farmer
A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"
"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"
Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...
"I think you're supposed to open that first"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with a homeless guy
is right up your alley
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the s**... club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
Methylated Spirit
A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.
"Bottle of methylated spirit please."
"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."
"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"
"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.
"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.
A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"
The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have s**... with me? I haven't had s**... in 25 years."
The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."
The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"
The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."
Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..
I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.
Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.
There were some monks in a monastery...
...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".
I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home.
She must have been homeless.
I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog..
He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"
I saw a homeless man sleeping outside the train station this morning.
Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.
He immediately woke up and said, Thank you.
No problem. I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, It's empty.
I said, I know, it's meant to be a chimney.
So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook.
It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'...
I tried training for the Samaritans once.
But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.
-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the b**... homeless?
He just couldn't give a dam.
If I had a Dollar,
If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked for change, I would still pretend to have not heard them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's an advantage of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
At the tube station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: Help, I'm starving.
He can't be that hungry, he hasn't even finished his dog.
A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday
As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.
For sale, homeless man.
Still in box
