Home Jokes
162 home jokes and hilarious home puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about home that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need some lighthearted laughs? Check out this collection of funny home jokes, poking fun at work from home, nursing homes, funeral homes, retirement homes, and more. Don't miss out on these great one-liners from mothers, daughters, and other residence that will bring a smile to your face.
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Funniest Home Short Jokes
Short home jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The home humour may include short website jokes also.
- Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.
- Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50 Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless. - I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
- I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?
We've updated our privacy policy - I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
- Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
- I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids. But when I came back home, they were still there.
- I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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Home One Liners
Which home one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with home? I can suggest the ones about holiday and hotel.
- I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.
- How did communists light their homes before candle? with light bulbs
- What did Britons use to light their homes before candles? Electricity.
- How do Millennials fireproof their homes? By never owning one.
- 85% of all Fords made are still on the road today... The other 15% made it home.
- Strippers don't have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans
- I love eBay! Sold my homing pigeon 4 times this month.
- What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date? He wax off
- Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: Because they don't know where home is.
- I went to the acupuncturist the other day When I got home my voodoo doll was dead
- Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.
- Before crowbars were invented...... ...most crows drank at home by themselves.
- What are strippers doing during quarantine? Twerking from home.
- Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor? Because it can't hit home
- My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Home Work Jokes
Here is a list of funny home work jokes and even better home work puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft... I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
- Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
- The internet is an amazing thing. One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job. - Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day. If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
- Wife comes home from work. Wife: I left my job today, I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
Husband: So what did he say.?
Wife: "Katy, you are fired." - On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving.. Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.
- Working from home and told a joke on a zoom call. No laughed Turns out I'm not remotely funny.
- I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy. Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
- My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work. She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up.
- After a long day's work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary. Things just went from Bad to Worse.
Working From Home Jokes
Here is a list of funny working from home jokes and even better working from home puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
- Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years And then Bill started working from home.
- I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture. I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.
- I saw a Burglar breaking his own house the other day. Turns out he was Working from Home.
- Lottery This afternoon my wife came home from work early. The moment she was in the door, she called out pack your bags, I won the lottery!
I said, Where are we going?
What do you mean, 'We?' - As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
- I used to work at a cats home , but I had to leave. They reduced meowers.
- My wife hates it when I work from home I am an embalmer
- What's the difference between a wife and a dog? After five years, your dog is still happy to see you when you come home from work.
- Knock, Knock. Warning. Warning.
If you receive a knock knock email. Do not open it.
It will be Jehovah Witnesses working from home.
Walk Home Jokes
Here is a list of funny walk home jokes and even better walk home puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
- Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face? Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don't have stable income.
- My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
- It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home. The difference is staggering.
- Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan. - I was walking down the road and I saw this really hot homeless girl... So I asked her if I could take her home with me. She said yes and so I took her box to my house.
- Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.
- I was walking home and saw some drunk guy trying to steal someones gate... I was gonna say something, but I din't want him to take a fence.
- An empty water bottle walks into a bar... The bartender says, Go home. You're drunk.
- I saw an old lady being mugged by several men while walking home today, I figured I better go and help! She was a tough old broad but in the end we got her purse.
Work From Home Jokes
Here is a list of funny work from home jokes and even better work from home puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do lumberjacks work from home? They Log In
- Jokes from home I noticed that when I was in the office, people would always laugh at my jokes, but working from home, people never do. When I asked why, they said my jokes weren't remotely funny
- I think my iPhone is broken. I clicked the home button but I'm still at work...
- When I get home from work, my wife lets me put my feet up... When we first met, I stuggled to get two fingers up...
- Since the wife left me I've bought a motorbike, got a dog, slept with two women, and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go mad when she gets home from work.
- 2 friends are driving home when one said; Can you check if my indicator light is working?
So the other friend sticks his head out the window and says;
Yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no - Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
- Got sent home from work for my Halloween costume.. Apparently, being a brillo pad was too abrasive for some people.
- My girlfriend called me on my way home from work. Watch out, there's some idiot on the highway driving on the wrong side of the road
Me: It's not just one idiot, it's all of them - If you're looking for men to date, don't go to bars, Go to Home Depot. It's 90% men, and they are already looking for projects to work on.
Nursing Home Jokes
Here is a list of funny nursing home jokes and even better nursing home puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
- Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home) - A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
-Mike Close- - What do nurses watch at the old folks home? The grammies!
- My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.
- My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen. We call it LAARPing.
- Where is the largest nursing home in the whole United States of America located? Washington D.C.
- Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.
- My nursing home golf team won again... We had the least amount of strokes!
- What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home? "Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"
Hilarious Home Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about home you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean community jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make home pranks.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
Why is everyone criticising EA?
I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).
So the painters finish painting my home...
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?
SEIZURE SALAD.
I peed
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bros v. h**...
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Bill say to Hillary after s**...?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
The little black jewish boy...
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!
I met a pretty girl.
Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$
I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... are admiring their firearms.
One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."
I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.
I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."
One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.
"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.
"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size
... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
A student receives a bad grade on his exam
And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.
He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"
The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".
The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom got a s**... change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.
His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
A homeless guy asked me for money today
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.
An electrician comes home late....
Wife: "Wire you insulate?"
Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."
I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...
I don't even *have* a coconut...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?
An Uber so he can get home safely
After calling 5 different home security companies...
....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife complains about constantly being s**... harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I think my wife is racist.
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and now my wife isn't talking to me.
A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.
His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"
"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
I think my family is racist
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
Where the h**... do you think you're going? he says.
I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going? the wife asks.
I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 wives go on a girls night out
On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.
The first takes off her p**... and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.
The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:
"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no p**.... "
The other husband says:
"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They're appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.
The boy leaves and the girl's mom remarks, Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy.
* Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service? *
My son asked me, Dad, can we watch Spider Man—Far from Home tonight?
I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.
A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife
"We need a 4th for poker"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
A man runs home from work
The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.
The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!
Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in the dark!"
Who runs Mexican Amazon?
Jeff Pesos
It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it here I realised it hasn't been told this way on this subreddit yet either. So I'm claiming it as an original joke.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.
"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."
Source: 1913 newspaper
