Home Improvement Jokes

28 home improvement jokes and hilarious home improvement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about home improvement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Home Improvement Short Jokes

Short home improvement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The home improvement humour may include short home repair jokes also.

  1. I was at my local home improvement store yesterday And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."
  2. Learning English So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
    Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
    Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace.
  3. Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff?

    ... go to the home improvement store in December?
  4. Why are my favorite home improvement shows about whole house fumigation? Because they are in tents.
  5. People who work at home improvement stores are great magicians Because just as you follow one around the corner, they somehow vanish right into thin air
  6. People who work at home improvement stores are the greatest at Hide-n-Seek Because just when you think you see them, you turn the corner and they vanish into thin air
  7. I saw a truck that works for Stolkholm Home Improvement. I really hope their slogan is "You'll eventually love it"
  8. If you were going to be executed, how would you dress? "Very slowly."
    Taken from Home Improvement S7E05
    So many good jokes on that show.
  9. I was browsing the countertops at a home improvement store... When a customer came up to me and asked if I was The Rock. I guess he took me for granite.
  10. I caught my boyfriend cheating with an 18 y/o. His excuse was his newfound love for home-improvement... He can't help himself from filling small cracks with his caulk.

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Home Improvement One Liners

Which home improvement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with home improvement? I can suggest the ones about handyman and home depot.

  1. What do you call a home improvement store for tyrannical leaders? Home Despot.
  2. For me, going to a home improvement store is like having s**.... It's all about DIY.

Home Improvement Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about home improvement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean improvement jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make home improvement pranks.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.

To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."

Jim and his s**... life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother

I love smoking w**... in a home improvement store.

Best way to take your highs with your Lowe's.

A man goes to the bank...

and asks for a home-improvement loan.
The loan officer asks him what home improvements he plans to do.
The man responds, "well, I'd like to send my wife on a 6-month vacation."
The loan officer replies, "sir, a vacation for your wife isn't a home improvement."
The man says, "well, have you seen my wife?"

Who would be the perfect host of a home improvement show featuring Ikea furniture?

Tim Allen Keys

A man went to a German food stand

A young man went to a German food stand to order a bratwurst. As he gets his order, both ends of the sausage were missing. It was nonetheless the best bratwurst he has ever tasted so he decides to ask why the ends were missing and if it improves the taste somehow.
The cook answered that just does it because that's how he learned it from his grandmother. Furthermore he told the man that if he wants to know more he can always visit his grandmother and ask her if there is something to it.
The man then went to the grandmother's home to ask her his question. She was baffled and asked if her grandson still has the old small frying pan.

A kid was doing horribly in math class..

He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?" He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."

Little Johnny was having trouble with school...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.
Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic School.
After coming home from the first day, Johnny went straight up to his room and began studying. Only coming back down to eat dinner, Johnny stayed in his room and studied till bedtime.
A few weeks later, his parents were overwhelmed to see that Johnny had improved his grades, especially his math grade which had been the worst of the lot.
They praised their son but were also quite interested in what had caused the improvement.
"Was it the nuns? The curriculum?" they asked.
Johnny shook his head and replied, "At first I didn't take them seriously, but when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

A son has just gotten his report card, it's not good....

"Hello father, here's my report card....", the son says.
"All Cs!" His father is furious. "Son, if you don't improve your grades by next term I will disown you....if you don't get As, I don't want you to call me father any more!" term comes and goes.....the son gets his report card.....that night he goes home....and right before he goes to bed his father asks about his new report card....
The son replies:
"I'm very tired, let's talk tomorrow. Goodnight uncle!"
(This joke was given to me by a friend in China)

A guy buys an old brass lamp at a flea market

He takes it home, and starts to clean it up. He rubs it a few times with a polishing cloth, and a genie pops out.
The guy says, "Hey, look at that, a genie. I get three wishes, right?
The genie says, "Sorry, no. People were wishing for all kinds of crazy stuff, so we had to cut it down. You get to choose from one of two wishes. You can wish for a better s**... life, or a better golf game.
The guy thinks about it for a bit, and says, "You know, my short game hasn't improved in years, no matter how hard I try. I'd like a better golf game."
The genie says, "Really? I haven't been at this genie thing for that long, but you are the first guy I've had who wanted a better golf game. You must get more chicks than Hugh Hefner.
"Oh, nothing like that."
"But still, you must be getting it two or three times a day."
"Be serious"
"Once a day at least"
"No, not that often"
"Well, what's your s**... life like?"
"I probably average once or twice a week."
"You're getting laid once or twice a week and you don't think that there's room for improvement?
The guy says, "Well, I think I do pretty well for a priest in a small town who doesn't drive."

A Jewish boy comes home with his report card.

His parents take a look and see:
English: A
Science: A
History: A
Math: F
They tell him he's grounded until they see improvement, but when the next report card comes he gets an F in math yet again! After thinking hard about what to do this time, they decide they must send him to Catholic school.
After just one term at Catholic school he comes home with an A in Math! The father asks, "Son, what made this time so different?"
He replies, "Well when I saw that kid nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have s**... with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house