Holy Water Jokes
103 holy water jokes and hilarious holy water puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about holy water that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Holy Water Short Jokes
Short holy water jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The holy water humour may include short holy spirit jokes also.
- I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rain down in Africa. - I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives I will start a religious movement anytime now
- A masked priest just threw some holy water at me... ... I think it was a blessing in disguise.
- If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again. There's too much risk of cross contamination.
- today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink it gave me a religious movement
- If you put Holy Water in a humidifier If you put Holy Water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
- An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve? He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.
- I filled a steam engine with Holy Water. The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You! - What happens if you use holy water to put out a fire? Holy smokes!
- Why is the Nile River filled with holy water? People keep blessing the rains in Africa.
Share These Holy Water Jokes With Friends
Holy Water One Liners
Which holy water one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with holy water? I can suggest the ones about holy and holy land.
- What's the opposite of Holy Water? Nestle
- Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ? Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.
- What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water? A religious movement.
- I've just invented a perfume made from holy water. Eau my God
- What is the chemical formula for Holy Water? H2OMG
- Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water? She was taking god's name in vein.
- What type of holy water is the cleanest? Anti-skeptic
- What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil? A religious movement!
- What do you get when you boil holy water? Eve apparition.
- How do you make Holy water? You boil the h... Oh wait, this is a re-post, isn't it?
- What do you call a whirlpool in a church? Holy water!
- How did the Ethiopian priest make holy water? He blessed the rains down in Africa.
- In the name of the noodles, the spice and the holy hot water Ramen
- What's the opposite of Holy Water? Satanic Acid
- I once drank holy water with my laxatives. I'm about to start a religious movement.
Holy Water Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about holy water you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean holiness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make holy water pranks.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Christian boys live in a church. One day the boys say, "Pastor! Pastor! We have done no bad deed." The pastor replies, "Very good. Now each of you are granted one bad deed." One boy comes back and says, "Pastor! Pastor! I broke a car window." The pastor tells him, "Go to the back, pray, and drink some holy water." The second boy comes back saying, "Pastor! Pastor! I punched a woman in the face." The pastor replies, "Go to the back, pray, and drink some holy water." The third boy comes in and says, "Pastor! Pastor! I peed in the holy water!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest took a beautiful girl in his bedroom.
He put a Bible on the bed and asked the girl to lie on the bed.
When the priest tried to have s**... with her, the girl shouted:
"Father, what are you doing?"
The priest replied "Calm down my child.
Holy Bible under you, Holy Father above you and Holy water passing through."
An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.
This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken when he should be abstaining. So they began to spy on him to see how he could justify such an act, and they saw him spritz his chicken with holy water, saying "you were born chicken, you were raised chicken, but now, you are FISH!"
idk if this is a repost, but my dad told me this joke as a kid, and I thought it was funny.
What religion are bears?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A Rabbi, a priest, and a holy roller
walk onto a car lot. After much searching, they all find the car of their dreams. Perfect color, size, gas mileage, and price. They tell the salesman what they want, but he informs them that there is only one of these cars on the lot, and they have no idea when they will get another shipment.
The priest has an idea. "We will let God decide! Let us each bless the car, and God will then choose one of us and let us buy it!"
They all agree to this, so the priest starts saying a rosary and waving a cross over the car's hood. The holy roller starts babbling and splashing the windows with holy water. After about 10 minutes of this, the two men were confused; they hadn't seen the Rabbi since they started...
he was behind the car, cutting two inches off the tailpipe.
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
A Priest, Minister and Rabbi Try to Convert a Bear
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A good joke I heard a while back
A man walks in a church crying and says to the priest " I killed my sister and hid the body. My guilt is killing me what should I do?" The priest responded
"Drink some holy water"
A second guy comes in sobbing and says " I cheated on my wife and I can't tell her." The priest responded
"Go drink some holy water"
A third guy comes on laughing and the priest asks " Why are you laughing?" The man responded
" I peed in the holy water."
A mother superior called 3 nuns and asked them to do a sin or something wrong...
The nuns were hesitant because they didn't want to, but the superior said it would be a lesson in confession.
Then a little later, one came back and was crying
"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior
"I picked flowers in the garden."
"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."
The nun did as told, then another nun came, she was also crying
"Why? What did you do?"
"I stole a candy from a kid"
"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."
She also did as told...
Then the last nun came, but she was roaring with laughter
"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior sternly
"I peed in the holy water!"
A small church became infested with rabbits...
A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could be done, the leaders and the congregation tried to go on as usual, but the smell of rabbit droppings was overpowering even after thorough cleanings. Worse, inevitably a rabbit would be accidentally harmed or killed during the service, which would always lead to many children bursting into tears.
Finally, a solution was discovered. Sprinkling holy water throughout the building, they baptized the rabbits in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Now they only see the rabbits on Christmas and Easter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke
One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **real** Russians were in Russia. Men with Slovic blood and v**... flowing through their veins. My second wish is that you build a huge cement wall all the way around our beautiful land so no foreigners can set foot on our holy soil." The Golden fish made it so. He then turned to the Ukrainian. The Ukrainian looked at him innocently but confidently said, "Mr. Fish we Ukrainians are simple folk. For this reason I only need one wish, but tell me, in Russia there are only Russians, right?" The Golden fish nodded. "And there is a huge wall surrounding all their land?" Again, nodding in affirmation. "Alright, just fill it full of water then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three nuns go to a priest...
And they say that they each want to commit a sin before they die. They priest tells them to go commit their sins on friday, and he will hear their confessions on saturday. So the nuns go commit their sins and on saturday the first nun goes to confession. The Priest asks "What are your sins?" The nun says that she had s**... relations with a man. The Priest says "Go drink the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." The second nun goes to the priest and he also asks what her sins are. "She says that she participated in a t**.... The Priest again says "Go drink the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." The third nun goes to the priest and he says "What are your sins." The nun replies "I peed in the holy water."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic schoolgirl goes to church for confession...
When she gets to the church, she notices that the confessional is occupied, so she sits down in a nearby pew. A short time later, the confessional door opens, and her best friend exits. The friend sits next to the girl, who asks her, "So... what did you confess to?"
"I told Father Murphy I gave my boyfriend a h**... in the back seat of the car. He told me to say ten Hail Marys and wash my hands in the font of holy water."
The first girl winces and says, "Well, you might want to wait. When I'm finished confessing, I'm probably going to have to gargle in it."
The teacher was quizzing the bible students...
and she asked "Who parted the Red Sea?"
Just then, rotten little Johnny poked Suzy with a pin, causing her to exclaim "Holy Moses!"
The teacher said "Very good, Suzy!"
Then the teacher asked "Who turned water into wine?"
Johnny pokes Suzy with the pin again, who hollers "Jesus Christ!"
The teacher can't contain herself, and asks Suzy "What did King Davids wife say to him as they retired for the night?"
Johnny pokes Suzy yet again, bringing forth the exclaimation "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm gonna break it off!"
Heavenly Water
Three men form a line in front of the confession booth at church. The first man enters the booth and says, "Father, I have sinned".
The priest asks," what is it you have done?"
"I lied at work today." Replies the first man.
"All will be forgiven, pray to God and go drink from the holy water across the hall."
The man exits and walks over to the holy water to takes a drink.
The second man enters the confession booth.
"Father I have sinned. I cheated on my wife. I was also in such a rush to confess, I shoved and cut in front of the other man in line to this booth. I am a horrible person.".
The priest replies, "Pray to God and drink from the holy water across the hall. You will be forgiven."
The second man leaves te booth to go drink the holy water.
The third man enters the booth, but before the priest could say anything the man said, "I peed in the holy water."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A preist, a monk, and a rabbi are sitting on a boat...
The monk says "oh right I forgot something back at the dock" and then proceeds to run across the water to the dock and back. The priest is astonished at the powers of Buddhism and the rabbi simply nods. hours later the rabbi needs to use the restroom and proceeds to follow in the monks suit running across water to reach the bathroom. At this point the priest it blown away the powers of these two holy men, the priest then needs to use the restroom, he offers a prayer to god and leaps off the boat... Splash he falls right in. Undeterred he tries again and again prayer after prayer. hours later the priest gives up soaked and exhausted, defeated he begins to s**.... Seeing this the rabbi leans over to the monk and whispers " you did tell him about the rocks right?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A p**... offered me holy water the other day...
Still not sure what hole it came from.
A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
A priest, a minister and a rabbi went to see...
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at his job.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at their job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?
(I'm just asking for a friend)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Holy Water
One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day.
The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed.
St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins.
The third sinner snickered.
St Peter ignored the third sinner asked the second sinner. She said that she sent a swarm of killer bees to wipe out an African village. St Peter paused in shock, but then told her to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of her sins.
The third sinner tried to hold back his laughter, but failed.
St Peter then asked the third sinner what was so funny. The third sinner replied, "I s**... in the Holy Water"
How do you make holy water
You stab it with a knife over and over
A priest, a minister, a rabbi and the bear
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the
circumcision.
A Priest, a Minister, a Rabbi and a Bear
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."
They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water?
One's a rectified sanctum...
Bear Conversion
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they agree to each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together to compare results. The priest begins:
When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A priest and a minister were golfing...
...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.
The minister says "Wow, I've never seen holy water do that!"
And the priest says, "That wasn't holy water... it was hare restorer."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who's the best at his job.
So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...
...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.
"Holy water from the shrine of the v**... Mary" replied the man.
The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"
"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"
Mom: Huh, you can buy holy water at that church.
Dad: You mean seltzer?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. (a classic)
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the
circumcision.
How not to convert a bear
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Weapon Of Mass Destruction...
A cabbage and beer f**..., with a couple of boiled eggs thrown in, in the second pew at the 10:00 service at St. Agnes of the Holy Water Church...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call masses of Holy water stored up?
g**...
A priest, a rabbi and a minister.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
Converting bears
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
So j made a joke up
A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.
For Christs steak Micheal.
A woman goes to a church and confesses to the priest there. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have seen another man's privates."
The priest tells her, "For your penance, say one Our Father, two Hail Mary's, and wash your face with holy water."
Another woman walks in and tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have touched another man's privates."
The priest replies, "Say two Our Father's, five Hail Mary's, and wash your hands with holy water."
The second woman goes to the holy water font and begins to wash her hands.
As she is rinsing, a third woman runs up to her, yelling, "What are you doing? I have to gargle with that!"
A minister is vacationing through the Holy Land
And is taking a historical trip to all of the sights associated with Jesus. Finally, he reaches the Sea of Galilee, where he is planning on taking a ferry boat across the water. Once he gets up to the ticket counter, however, he is shocked to learn the outrageous price of a ticket, and has to unfortunately end his trip early. As he walked away from the ticket counter, he was heard muttering well no wonder Jesus walked.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi have a competition
They both have to find a bear, and convert it to their religion. A day passes, and they meet up again to see who won. The priest shows up with his bear dressed, and holding a bible. The minister shows up with a few scratches, and the rabbi shows up in a wheelchair.
"I baptized my bear in holy water, and read the entire bible to him" the priest said.
"I tried reading the catechism to my bear, but he scratched me and ran off" said the minister.
The rabbi finally has his turn and says, "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision"
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to find out who is the best at their job.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not allowed in church anymore...
I j**... off to the statues, some of it got in the holy water...now all the babies have harpies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three nuns
There were three nuns and they said that they were going to do on sin each. The priest says ok, do your sins, come back and I will bless you. So they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first woman, who was laughing, what her sin was. She replied:" I had s**... with a guy." So the priest forgave her and let her drink the holy water.
The next nun came and was laughing harder and said: "I got in a fight with another nun." The priest forgave her and let her drink from the holy water.
The last nun was laughing the most and said:"I peed in the holy water!"
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I threw holy water at the d**... and tried to banish it back to h**...
My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy comes back after a vacation...
He's in the airport when the custom agents stopped him.
"Sir, open the bag" said the agents.
The man obliges and opens the bag, revealing clothes, hygiene products and a small bottle of transparent liquid.
"What is this, sir?" asks one of the agents.
"Lourdes Holy Water, sir." he answers.
The other agent doesn't believe him, he opens the bottle and sniffs it, before saying:
"Hey, this is v**...!"
The man throws himself on the ground, hands in the air shouting: "IT'S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE!"
A priest had 3 people at confession.
He went to Guy 1 and asked: What sin did you commit?'
Guy 1 responded: I murdered someone.
The priest responded Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.
He did so and stood back.
The priest asked Guy 2 and asked: What sin did you commit?'
Guy 2 responded: I cheated on my wife.
The priest responded Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.
He did so and stood back as well.
Then it was the 3rd person's turn. The priest asked him: So, what sin did YOU commit?
Nervously, Guy 3 responded: Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street
when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"
The father said "look, its great! just the other day, i rubbed some holy water on this lady's tummy and she passed a beautiful little baby"
Little Johhny said "ahh, thats nuthin. I rubbed some of this on my dogs a**... and he passed a Mercedes"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
4 Nuns
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**... in it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A preacher and a young boy were sitting at a bus stop.
The boy had a bottle of clear liquid and he kept shaking it up, looking at the bubbles. The preacher asked the youngster what he had in the bottle. "Preacher man, this here is the strongest liquid known to mankind, Turpentine!"
The preacher reaching into his vest pocket, "Young man, I beg to differ! This here is holy water! You put some of this on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy!". The boy replied, "Heck preacher, that ain't nothing! You put some of this on a cats a**..., it will pass a motorcycle!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb
Shaking a bottle of turpentine. The local priest walking by, stopped and asked what he had in the bottle. Johnny said, this is the most powerful liquid in the world, turpentine. The priest said, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. A couple drops on a pregnant woman's belly, and she will pass a baby boy . Johnny said, That's nothing! A couple drops of this turpentine on a cat's a**..., it will pass a motorcycle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.
still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does the church make holy water?
They take regular tap water, and boil the h**... out of it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son accidentally pooped in the Holy Water
All I could say was Holy s**...