Holy Water Jokes
109 holy water jokes and hilarious holy water puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about holy water that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Holy Water Short Jokes
Short holy water jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The holy water humour may include short holy spirit jokes also.
- I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rain down in Africa. - I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa. Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa
- I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives I will start a religious movement anytime now
- I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water... They blessed the rains down in Africa.
- A masked priest just threw some holy water at me... ... I think it was a blessing in disguise.
- Why can't the vaccine contain holy water? Because you're not supposed to take the lord's name in vein.
- If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again. There's too much risk of cross contamination.
- What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water? One's a rectified sanctum...
- today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink it gave me a religious movement
- Why are there so many vampires in Europe and not in Africa? Vampires are killed with holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.
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Holy Water One Liners
Which holy water one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with holy water? I can suggest the ones about holy and holy land.
- What's the opposite of Holy Water? Nestle
- Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ? Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.
- What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water? A religious movement.
- I've just invented a perfume made from holy water. Eau my God
- What is the chemical formula for Holy Water? H2OMG
- Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water? She was taking god's name in vein.
- Why don't they use holy water in vaccines? You can't take the lords name in vein.
- What type of holy water is the cleanest? Anti-skeptic
- What's the chemical structure of Holy Water? H2OMG
- What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil? A religious movement!
- What do you get when you boil holy water? Eve apparition.
- How do you make Holy water? You boil the h... Oh wait, this is a re-post, isn't it?
- What do you call a whirlpool in a church? Holy water!
- How did the Ethiopian priest make holy water? He blessed the rains down in Africa.
- In the name of the noodles, the spice and the holy hot water Ramen
Holy Water Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about holy water you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean holiness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make holy water pranks.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
Three Christian boys live in a church.
One day the boys say, "Pastor! Pastor! We have done no bad deed." The pastor replies, "Very good. Now each of you are granted one bad deed." One boy comes back and says, "Pastor! Pastor! I broke a car window." The pastor tells him, "Go to the back, pray, and drink some holy water." The second boy comes back saying, "Pastor! Pastor! I punched a woman in the face." The pastor replies, "Go to the back, pray, and drink some holy water." The third boy comes in and says, "Pastor! Pastor! I peed in the holy water!"
A priest took a beautiful girl in his bedroom.
He put a Bible on the bed and asked the girl to lie on the bed.
When the priest tried to have s**... with her, the girl shouted:
"Father, what are you doing?"
The priest replied "Calm down my child.
Holy Bible under you, Holy Father above you and Holy water passing through."
What religion are bears?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A Rabbi, a priest, and a holy roller
walk onto a car lot. After much searching, they all find the car of their dreams. Perfect color, size, gas mileage, and price. They tell the salesman what they want, but he informs them that there is only one of these cars on the lot, and they have no idea when they will get another shipment.
The priest has an idea. "We will let God decide! Let us each bless the car, and God will then choose one of us and let us buy it!"
They all agree to this, so the priest starts saying a rosary and waving a cross over the car's hood. The holy roller starts babbling and splashing the windows with holy water. After about 10 minutes of this, the two men were confused; they hadn't seen the Rabbi since they started...
he was behind the car, cutting two inches off the tailpipe.
Jesus and his disciples are fishing in heaven....
After a while Peter says, "hey Jesus, remember when you walked on water...that was awesome!" Jesus says, "Yeah, that was fun! I'm going to do it again!" He steps off the boat and immediately sinks to the bottom of the lake. After a lot of effort the disciples manage to get him out of the lake. Paul asks, "Jesus, what happened?" Jesus responds, "I don't know...I guess last time I wasn't as holy...."
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
A Priest, Minister and Rabbi Try to Convert a Bear
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A good joke I heard a while back
A man walks in a church crying and says to the priest " I killed my sister and hid the body. My guilt is killing me what should I do?" The priest responded
"Drink some holy water"
A second guy comes in sobbing and says " I cheated on my wife and I can't tell her." The priest responded
"Go drink some holy water"
A third guy comes on laughing and the priest asks " Why are you laughing?" The man responded
" I peed in the holy water."
A mother superior called 3 nuns and asked them to do a sin or something wrong...
The nuns were hesitant because they didn't want to, but the superior said it would be a lesson in confession.
Then a little later, one came back and was crying
"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior
"I picked flowers in the garden."
"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."
The nun did as told, then another nun came, she was also crying
"Why? What did you do?"
"I stole a candy from a kid"
"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."
She also did as told...
Then the last nun came, but she was roaring with laughter
"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior sternly
"I peed in the holy water!"
A small church became infested with rabbits...
A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could be done, the leaders and the congregation tried to go on as usual, but the smell of rabbit droppings was overpowering even after thorough cleanings. Worse, inevitably a rabbit would be accidentally harmed or killed during the service, which would always lead to many children bursting into tears.
Finally, a solution was discovered. Sprinkling holy water throughout the building, they baptized the rabbits in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Now they only see the rabbits on Christmas and Easter.
There are 3 nuns two that are crying and one who is laughing...
a priest goes up to the first crying nun and asks, "What is wrong sister?" The nun says, "I broke into somebody's house." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The next nun says, "Father I stole someone's car." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The priest goes up to the laughing nun and asks, "Why are you laughing so hard?" The nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
The teacher was quizzing the bible students...
and she asked "Who parted the Red Sea?"
Just then, rotten little Johnny poked Suzy with a pin, causing her to exclaim "Holy Moses!"
The teacher said "Very good, Suzy!"
Then the teacher asked "Who turned water into wine?"
Johnny pokes Suzy with the pin again, who hollers "Jesus Christ!"
The teacher can't contain herself, and asks Suzy "What did King Davids wife say to him as they retired for the night?"
Johnny pokes Suzy yet again, bringing forth the exclaimation "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm gonna break it off!"
Heavenly Water
Three men form a line in front of the confession booth at church. The first man enters the booth and says, "Father, I have sinned".
The priest asks," what is it you have done?"
"I lied at work today." Replies the first man.
"All will be forgiven, pray to God and go drink from the holy water across the hall."
The man exits and walks over to the holy water to takes a drink.
The second man enters the confession booth.
"Father I have sinned. I cheated on my wife. I was also in such a rush to confess, I shoved and cut in front of the other man in line to this booth. I am a horrible person.".
The priest replies, "Pray to God and drink from the holy water across the hall. You will be forgiven."
The second man leaves te booth to go drink the holy water.
The third man enters the booth, but before the priest could say anything the man said, "I peed in the holy water."
A p**... offered me holy water the other day...
Still not sure what hole it came from.
A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
John Boehner is lucky Pope Francis didn't splash any holy water on him.
He wouldn't have been crying. He would have burst into flames.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi went to see...
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at his job.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at their job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?
(I'm just asking for a friend)
Holy Water
One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day.
The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed.
St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins.
The third sinner snickered.
St Peter ignored the third sinner asked the second sinner. She said that she sent a swarm of killer bees to wipe out an African village. St Peter paused in shock, but then told her to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of her sins.
The third sinner tried to hold back his laughter, but failed.
St Peter then asked the third sinner what was so funny. The third sinner replied, "I s**... in the Holy Water"
How do you make holy water
You stab it with a knife over and over
A Priest, a Minister, a Rabbi and a Bear
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."
They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."
A priest and a minister were golfing...
...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.
The minister says "Wow, I've never seen holy water do that!"
And the priest says, "That wasn't holy water... it was hare restorer."
Credit to my priest told this joke this morning.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who's the best at his job.
So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...
...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.
"Holy water from the shrine of the v**... Mary" replied the man.
The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"
"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"
Mom: Huh, you can buy holy water at that church.
Dad: You mean seltzer?
How not to convert a bear
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision
A Weapon Of Mass Destruction...
A cabbage and beer f**..., with a couple of boiled eggs thrown in, in the second pew at the 10:00 service at St. Agnes of the Holy Water Church...
What do you call masses of Holy water stored up?
g**...
So j made a joke up
A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.
For Christs steak Micheal.
What's the opposite of Holy Water?
Satanic Acid
A woman goes to a church and confesses to the priest there. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have seen another man's privates."
The priest tells her, "For your penance, say one Our Father, two Hail Mary's, and wash your face with holy water."
Another woman walks in and tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have touched another man's privates."
The priest replies, "Say two Our Father's, five Hail Mary's, and wash your hands with holy water."
The second woman goes to the holy water font and begins to wash her hands.
As she is rinsing, a third woman runs up to her, yelling, "What are you doing? I have to gargle with that!"
A minister is vacationing through the Holy Land
And is taking a historical trip to all of the sights associated with Jesus. Finally, he reaches the Sea of Galilee, where he is planning on taking a ferry boat across the water. Once he gets up to the ticket counter, however, he is shocked to learn the outrageous price of a ticket, and has to unfortunately end his trip early. As he walked away from the ticket counter, he was heard muttering well no wonder Jesus walked.
Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
I filled a steam engine with Holy Water.
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
Why is the Nile River filled with holy water?
People keep blessing the rains in Africa.
What happens if you use holy water to put out a fire?
Holy smokes!
I'm not allowed in church anymore...
I j**... off to the statues, some of it got in the holy water...now all the babies have harpies.
I once drank holy water with my laxatives.
I'm about to start a religious movement.
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
Just washed down a laxative with holy water
Im about to start a religious movement.
I threw holy water at the d**... and tried to banish it back to h**...
My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that
A guy comes back after a vacation...
He's in the airport when the custom agents stopped him.
"Sir, open the bag" said the agents.
The man obliges and opens the bag, revealing clothes, hygiene products and a small bottle of transparent liquid.
"What is this, sir?" asks one of the agents.
"Lourdes Holy Water, sir." he answers.
The other agent doesn't believe him, he opens the bottle and sniffs it, before saying:
"Hey, this is v**...!"
The man throws himself on the ground, hands in the air shouting: "IT'S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE!"
A priest had 3 people at confession.
He went to Guy 1 and asked: What sin did you commit?'
Guy 1 responded: I murdered someone.
The priest responded Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.
He did so and stood back.
The priest asked Guy 2 and asked: What sin did you commit?'
Guy 2 responded: I cheated on my wife.
The priest responded Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.
He did so and stood back as well.
Then it was the 3rd person's turn. The priest asked him: So, what sin did YOU commit?
Nervously, Guy 3 responded: Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.
4 Nuns
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**... in it.
A preacher and a young boy were sitting at a bus stop.
The boy had a bottle of clear liquid and he kept shaking it up, looking at the bubbles. The preacher asked the youngster what he had in the bottle. "Preacher man, this here is the strongest liquid known to mankind, Turpentine!"
The preacher reaching into his vest pocket, "Young man, I beg to differ! This here is holy water! You put some of this on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy!". The boy replied, "Heck preacher, that ain't nothing! You put some of this on a cats a**..., it will pass a motorcycle!"
What are there no vampires in Africa
Because vampires die from holy water , and we blessed the rains down in Africa
How to make holy water?
Boil the h**... out of it.
I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa .
Credits to u/Josh1804
Do you know how Holy water is made?
They boil the h**... out of it.
An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve?
He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.
This is how u make holy water:
U take the water, and boil the h**... out of it
I made holy water the other day.
I boiled the h**... out of it.
How do you turn normal water into holy water?
You burn the h**... out of it
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb
Shaking a bottle of turpentine. The local priest walking by, stopped and asked what he had in the bottle. Johnny said, this is the most powerful liquid in the world, turpentine. The priest said, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. A couple drops on a pregnant woman's belly, and she will pass a baby boy . Johnny said, That's nothing! A couple drops of this turpentine on a cat's a**..., it will pass a motorcycle.
i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.
still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.
How do you make holy water?
Just boil the h**... out of it!
One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."
How does the church make holy water?
They take regular tap water, and boil the h**... out of it!