Holy Land Jokes
41 holy land jokes and hilarious holy land puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about holy land that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Holy Land Short Jokes
Short holy land jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The holy land humour may include short holy jokes also.
- Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . . Cheeses of Nazareth.
- Why do people regard the middle east as the holy land? Because they're constantly drilling for oil.
- Three Jews walk into a bar The waiter sees them, and asks them what they'd like
THE HOLY LAND
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Holy Land One Liners
Which holy land one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with holy land? I can suggest the ones about holy water and holiest.
- The Holy Land isn't a fake place Israel
- Though some people may tell you that the holy land is fake... ... it Israel
- Did you hear about the fake Holy Land? The land of Isn'trael!
- Have you ever been to the Holy Land? Israeli cool.
- What did Mohammad eat while in the Holy Land? Makkah-roni and cheese!
- Do you know why it's called the Holy Land? Because it's full of bullet holes.
Holy Land Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about holy land you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean holiness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make holy land pranks.
my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum
f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"
A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...
During the trip the wife tragically dies. A f**... director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The f**... director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."
A rabbi and a priest...
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
i was in Jerusalem for a holiday
Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.
From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.
Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:
Hebrews.
The Pope and Hillary Clinton
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
Can't take that chance
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."
A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
An American man visits the Holy Land...
An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."
Trump goes to Israel
and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks why take the most expensive solution? The American responds, well another man buried here rose from the dead and we cannot take that chance.
A minister is vacationing through the Holy Land
And is taking a historical trip to all of the sights associated with Jesus. Finally, he reaches the Sea of Galilee, where he is planning on taking a ferry boat across the water. Once he gets up to the ticket counter, however, he is shocked to learn the outrageous price of a ticket, and has to unfortunately end his trip early. As he walked away from the ticket counter, he was heard muttering well no wonder Jesus walked.
Im so smart for thinking of this
o**... says to another: Hey, did you know, there's a Middle Eastern country on the Mediterranean Sea, and it's regarded by Jews, Christians and Muslims as the biblical Holy Land!
The other guy says: I don't believe you, you're talking rubbish.
So the first guy says: No, it isreal!
A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem
A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The f**... company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance.
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The f**... company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
Donald Trump is on a state visit to Israel and dies of a heart attack.
The f**... director explains to the President's entourage of diplomats that to fly the body back to the U.S. would cost $50 000 and to have him buried in Israel would cost just $100. The diplomats discuss amongst themselves. They then return to the f**... director and say they prefer to the return the body to the U.S.
Why? asks the confused f**... director, for less than a fraction of the cost you can have him buried in the Holy Land . The diplomats respond, A long time ago another man died and was buried here, and three days later he came back from the dead. That's a risk we simply cannot take.
President Trump is in Israel for the m**... Summit. He gets ill and dies...
President Trump is in Israel for the m**... Summit. He gets ill and dies.
The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.
The aides confer and tell the official that they will take the body home.
The official asks why they would do that rather than accept the immense gift of burial in the Holy Land.
The aides reply: A long time ago someone was buried here and arose 3 days later. We can't take that chance.
Donald Trump was on a fact finding visit to Israel
When he suffered a heart attack and died. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him that he can have his body transported back to the USA for a fee of $50,000 or they can bury him in the holy land for Just $100.
The diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes, they come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Trump shipped home.
The undertaker looks puzzled, Why would you pay all that money when it would be wonderful for him to be buried here in the holy land for Just $100?
The diplomats replied Long a go a man died and was buried here and he rose from the dead, we just can't take that risk
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land....
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?"
The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
Risky Burial
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."
A Preist a Rabbai and a Muslim Holy Man are talking
They begin discussing how they decide what part of the money from services should be kept by them and what part should be given to god. The Muslim HOly Man says "Well, I draw a circle, I stand in the circle, and I throw all the money in the air. Whatever lands out side the circle is for god and what is inside the circle, I keep." The priest says "I do something very similar. I draw a circle, stand in the circle, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle is for me. Anything inside the circle is for god." Finally, the Rabbai speaks. "I also do something similar. I throw up all the money, and whatever god catches he can keep. I take everything else.
Chastity belt
During the crusades a knight was about to leave for the holy land , but he was worried about his wife. He wanted to ensure her faithfulness till his return. So he had a chastity belt made and tied it around his wife, as he was about to leave he thought , that what if he loses the key in the confusion of battle , what will he do then , so he decides to leave the key in the care of his best friend . As he rode off to the crusades , barely had he gotten a mile from home that he saw his friend tearing after him on a horse , as he got closer he heard his friend saying
"Come back! you gave me the wrong key"
Man and his wife are on vacation in Israel . . .
when the wife suddenly falls ill and dies. The f**... director said to the man, "You can have your wife buried here in the Holy Land and it will cost you only $1000 or you can have her flown back the United States and buried there but it will cost at least $15000." The man said, "Ill have her flown home." the f**... then responds, "But sir she is her IN the Holy Land and it will cost you so much less. I have to know why you want to go through all of that just to have her buried!" The man stood up and said, "Oh no you don't, I know exactly what happened the last time you guys try to bury someone here!"
An old couple are vacationing in Israel...
The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.
The grave digger says "I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000."
The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.
The grave digger is stunned "Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?"
The man gets very close and whispers "A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her."
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[OC] During his search for the Holy Grail...
King Arthur sent his knights and squires to all four corners of the globe. One of his ships landed in Zimbabwe, and engaged in grueling battle with the local tribe of cannibals for no less than 30 days and 30 nights. The knights had fought long and hard, but ultimately succumbed to the sheer numbers of the tribe.
During the night's celebratory feast, one of the tribesman looked up from his haunch of meat and over to his brother. "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
His brother took a bite of his meal, chewed for a few seconds and after giving it some thought, replied "You know what?"
"What?"
"...I think we're on the same Page."
My grandfather told me this one.
A university professor was taking a trip to the holy land. He had a break in his seminar schedule and was visiting the sea of Galilee.
He saw a sign advertising boat tours, and thought it would be interesting, so he asked the guy with the boats "How much?"
"Six hundred dollars!" Said the man proudly. "All day, up to three passenger and gear!"
"But, um, there's just me, and all I want is a quick row around and a couple of selfies!"
"Still six hundred dollars!" The man shook his head. "Minimum price!"
"That's outrageous." The man said as he walked away. "No wonder Christ walked."
Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke
One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **real** Russians were in Russia. Men with Slovic blood and v**... flowing through their veins. My second wish is that you build a huge cement wall all the way around our beautiful land so no foreigners can set foot on our holy soil." The Golden fish made it so. He then turned to the Ukrainian. The Ukrainian looked at him innocently but confidently said, "Mr. Fish we Ukrainians are simple folk. For this reason I only need one wish, but tell me, in Russia there are only Russians, right?" The Golden fish nodded. "And there is a huge wall surrounding all their land?" Again, nodding in affirmation. "Alright, just fill it full of water then."