holy Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious holy puns

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

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Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

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An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

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A readhead tells her blonde step-sister "I slept with 2 Brazilian guys last night!"

The blonde replies, "Holy shit, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

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Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

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Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

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A Buddhist monk goes to a barber

... to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.

That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his *payoss* [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know?

The barber finds on his doorstep β€” a dozen rabbis!

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Lawyer joke

There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.

He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"

The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like "Oh God, oh god…"
The Positive Orgasm goes "Yes, yes, oh yes, "
The Negative Orgasm goes "no, no, oh no"
and the fake orgasm, the fake one goes "Oh *insert the name of whoever you are telling the joke to*"

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I took this girl home after our date...

Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe-

Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card?

Her: *softly* holy shit

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A man and woman were having sex and the woman was dissatisfied

Woman : You know, this wasn't what I expected when you said you were magical in bed

*Man pulls out ten of hearts

Man : And is this your card?

Woman : Holy shit

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How do you make holy water?

You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

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A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"

"No my son. Why would you ask that?"

"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."

"Oh my son, that's just holy water."

"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"

"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."

"Mind if I take a sip?"

"Not at all my son."

As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...

"Father, this is wine."

The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Two black guys are walking down the street and see a sign that says turn white for $75

Black guy one: "Do you think it will work?

Black guy two: "Only one way to find out."

BG1: "I only have $50"

BG2: "Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change

BG1: "Let's do it then"

BG2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.

BG1: "Holy shit it actually worked! Let me get that $25"

BG2: "Fuck you, nigger. Get a job."

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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land....

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?"
The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

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4 Nuns get in a car accident and die...

When they get to Heaven, they are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them they must be pure before they can gain entrance to Heaven.
He asks the first one "Have you ever touched a penis?" She sheepishly replies yes, she touched one with the tip of her finger. St. Peter tells her she must dip her finger in the holy water before she can enter. He then turns to the second one and asks the same question. She becomes quite embarrassed and admits to giving her boyfriend in High School a hand job. St. Peter tells her that she must rinse her hand in the holy water before entering.
Turning to the third nun, he asks the same question. But before she can answer, the fourth one shoves her aside yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! There is no way that I am gargling that holy water after she rinses her ass in it!"

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What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water?

A religious movement.

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Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

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A lady sees a beautiful parrot at a petstore for $1

She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."

The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"

Her two daughters walk in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, two new whores!"

Her husband walks in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, Bob, I haven't seen you in three months!"

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So a line of women are before a priest before they become nuns

As the first one approaches the priest asks if she's ever come in contact with a penis. She says Yes I once saw a penis.

The priest says Wash your eyes with holy water and go on to the seminary sister.

The second approaches and states she has once touched a penis. The priest says Wash your hands with holy water and go on to the seminary sister.

Suddenly there is a lot of commotion in the line. The priest asks what is going on. One of the women yells, If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to go before Mary-Katherine washes her ass with it!

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"

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Two men were walking home after a party

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

To which the old man replied: "Those fools! They misspelled my name!"

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Nun Shall Pass

The waiting line to get into heaven is managed by St. Peter.
A busload of Nuns die and are in line.

The first nun goes to St. Peter and he says
OK I have to ask, have you ever seen a penis?

The nun replies, I saw one once.

St. Peter said, Well, it's OK, just wash your eyes with this
holy water. So she did and POOF she went to Heaven.

The second nun came up and was asked the same thing.
She replied, Well I touched one once...

St. Peter told her Well, it's OK, just wash your hands in this
holy water. So she did and POOF she too went to Heaven.

Suddenly, a nun near the back of the line pushed her way to
the front of the line. St. Peter asked, What are you doing?!

The nun who cut in line responded, I just wanted to wash my
mouth before Sister Anna put her ass in it.

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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

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How do you make holy water?

You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.

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A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Look at the goat outside. All of them are white, except for the one black one."

The chief leans into the missionary's ear and whispers,

"I'll let you off the hook this time, but you keep quiet about goat, okay?"

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A girl goes up to her father and tells him she's a lesbian.

The father says, "That's ok sweetie, I love you no matter what." Noticing how he reacted, his second daughter decides to also tell him that she's also a lesbian. The father doesn't care and procedes to tell her that he loves her too. Finally the third daughter goes up to him and also says that she's a lesbian. The father feeling like the whole situation is ridiculous, yells out, "Holy shit doesn't anyone in this house like boys?"

His only son walks into the room and says, "I do."

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A pilot and a priest die.

When both arrive at Heavens Gate holy Petrus says to the pilot:
"You are first! God will decide wether you rott in hell or party in heaven." So the pilot heads for Gods office trambling by fear.
A few minutes later he runs out of the office jelling: "JIPPY JAY JEAY! Heaven here I come!".
After Petrus noticed he says to the priest:" Well...I guess you are next."
So the priest walks into Gods office and finds the lord sitting at his desk. The lord then sayed quickly:" No! Rott in Hell!"
The priest is shocked and replies loudly :" But God! I have spend my whole live worshipping you! What my I have done to deserve this? And why do you let this stewardess fucking pilot in the most holy place?".
"Well..." God replies:" As soon as you start to preach everybody falls asleap. But as soon as the pilot lifts up everybody starts to pray".

Please excuse me if there are any grammar mistakes. I am German.

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It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

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To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license.

Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"

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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN THEM!!!"

The wife turned around and shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"Nothing", replied the husband in a calm and even tone. "Just wanted to give you an idea of what it's like when I am driving with you by my side."

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God doesn't normally poop, but when he does.....

Holy shit.

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A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

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The Holy Land isn't a fake place

Israel

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A Televangelist, a Rabbi and a Hindu were traveling together

They came across a farm and asked to spend the night there. The farmer said, I only have room for two, someone will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu volunteered. Moments later, there was a knock on the door. The Hindu said, There is a cow in the barn. I can't sleep on holy ground.

I will go said the Rabbi. Moments later there was a knock on the door. I can't sleep with a pig, pigs are unkosher.

So the Televangelist is sent out to the barn. Moments later, there was a knock on the door.

It was the pig and the cow.

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Three Nuns are in line at the gates to get into Heaven

Saint Peter tells them "Before you may enter the gates of Heaven, if you have ever touched a mans penis, place that body part in this bowl of holy water so you may be cleansed." The first Nun steps up and places her hand in the water, then walks into Heaven. The third Nun jumps in front of the second Nun and asks "can I gargle the water before she sticks her butt in it?"

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The power of prayer.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes. When he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

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A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

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So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?

Son: I went to school

(Beep)

Son: fine, I went to my friends house.

Dad: what did you do at your friends house?

Son: we watched a movie

Dad: what kind of movie?

Son: A Disney film

(Beep)

Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie

Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn't exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid

(Beep)

(Everyone looks at the dad)

Mom: Well, he's your son

(BEEP)

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Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Me: Hired.

Interviewer: (under breath) holy shit can he do that?

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One last kiss..

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

One of the bikers gets off his bike and says to the woman, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

Taking advantage of the situation, the man says, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Holy Shit! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

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How do they make Holy Water?

They boil the hell out of it.

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he's gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells Holy shit! How much water did you drink?

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Risky Burial

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."

The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."

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The Pope falls seriously ill and all the
cardinals are very worried.

They get the best doctors in Vatican City but nothing
helps. Eventually one of the cardinals says: There is only one doctor left that we haven't tried, he is the best in all Italy.

So the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the Pope. The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says:
I have good news and bad news, the Holy Father has cancer of the testicles, but the good news is he can be cured, all he needs
to do is take this drug and have sex with a woman.

The cardinals recoil in shock. Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the Holy Father and therefore must remain celibate. Unfortunately, there is no other way, so one of the cardinals approaches the Pope and explains the situation. Holy Father, you have a terrible cancer and will die unless you have sex with a woman.

The Pope ponders this for a moment, then declares, Ok, I'll do it, but on three conditions.

Okay, says the cardinal. What are the conditions?

One, the woman must be blind, so she will never know who she made love with.

Okay, your Holiness, what next?

Two, the woman must be dumb, so if she ever realizes who she made love to, she will not be able to tell.

Certainly, your Holiness. And the third condition?

She has to have big tits.

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5 Jokes about Boiling Water

1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
5. One cannibal says to the other cannibal "hey I ate a missionary the other day and he gave me an upset stomach." The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?" The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always." The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?" The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals." And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."

Bonus Related Joke: How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

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A busload of nuns goes over a cliff...

A bus load of nuns goes over a cliff in a snowstorm. All the nuns go to heaven and line us at the pearly gates in front of Saint Peter.

Sister Mary is first in line. St Peter asks her "Have you any sins to atone for?" She responds, "Once, I looked at a man's penis." St Peter tells her to splash some holy water on her eyes and enter heaven.

Sister Katherine is next. St Peter questions her likewise "Have you an sins to atone for?" She responds "I have, I gave a man a hand job." St peter tells her to wash her hands and enter heaven.

About this time there is a commotion towards the rear. St Peter quite angrily yells "What's all the commotion back there!" Sister Julie exclaims "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm doing it before Margaret sticks her ass in it!"

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It's 3 AM, and a general urgently calls by phone to the sergeant...

A private awnsers the phone:
-"Hello?"
-"Quickly, hand me over to the sergeant" the general says
-"No, i'm sorry, the Sergeant is sleeping, and he doesn't want to be disturbed, call him again in the morning".
The general, angry, says:
-"Incompetent! pass me with the sergeant"
The private yells into the phone:
-"Are you a tough guy? CALL BACK TOMORROW IN THE MORNING"
-"Do you know who I am?"
-"No, and I don't care"
-"I'm your General"
-"Holy shit, and, do you know who I am?"
-"Of course not" the general said.
-"Oh, what a relief" and he hung up the phone.

 

*I hope you guys liked it, if you find any grammar problems, let me know :P*
*

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Ahhhhh The Wisdom of the Ages........

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the
Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using
a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and
praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible
adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests
of the people ahead of their own interests"


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

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My favorite stupid joke to this day. I heard it when I was a young kid.

Two muffins were in an oven, the first muffin turns to the other and says "man it sure is hot in here!" The second muffin replies "Holy fuck!!!! A talking muffin!!!!!"

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If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

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How do you create Holy Water?

Boil the hell out of it!

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A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.

The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"

The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screams and nearly crashes the car into a tree.

"Holy shit! You scared me."

"Sorry"

"Oh no, it's not your fault. This is my first day at this job. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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How do you make Holy water?

You boil the Hell out of it.

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A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

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A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

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How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the Hell out of it.

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Holy Moly! - What's that smell!?

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all lived in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said: "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't because of the bigger moles were in the way so he said: "Geez, all I can smell is..."

Are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me for this one...

*MOLASSES*

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Holy shit there's a spider under my keyboard

I think it's under control

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So these four nuns are in a car accident and die...

... and are lined up at the pearly gates waiting to talk to St Peter. The first nun gte to the gate and St Peter asks her only one question: "Sister - Have you ever had anything to do with a man's penis?" The first nun replied "well i saw one once, but that's all". St Peter told her to wash her eyes in the bowl of holy water by the gate and to proceed inside. He then asked the second nun the same question, she replied "I touched one with my right hand once". So St Peter told her to wash the hand in the bowl of holy water and proceed through the gates into heaven. At this point St Peter observed the fourth nun cut in line ahead of the third nun. When he challenged her unfair behaviour and asked her why she was budging in line she replied "Listen, if you think I'm going to gargle that water after she's had her arse in it, you're crazy!"

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Husband and wife are walking down the street

Wife: Look at that drunk guy

Husband: Oh, do you know him?

Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him

Husband: Holy shit! He's still celebrating!

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nagging wife

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost Β£5000 to ship her home or Β£50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!"

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A Monk And A Nun Are Playing Darts In A Monastery.

The monk throws his dart, and misses the board. "Oh shit, I missed" he says. The nun says, "Don't say that here, this is a holy place."

The monk assures her he will not, and throws his next dart. It misses the board. "Oh SHIT, I missed!"

The nun exclaims, "DO NOT SAY THAT HERE, THE LORD WILL SMITE YOU!" and as if to back up the claim, thunder rumbles in the distance.

"Okay, okay," says the monk, "I won't."

The monk throws the third dart, and again, misses the board. "OH SHIT, I missed!"

Lightning Strikes the nun. A rumbling voice from heaven booms out, "Oh shit, I missed."


Note: I have posted this elsewhere, and have know this joke since I was little... One of my favorites.

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Puns Galore. Repeat at your own peril.

What do they do with dead chemists? Barium

Met a guy addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Met a priest who told me he found a new way to make holy water. You just boil the hell out of it.

PMS jokes are never funny. Period.

My medical chart said I had Type A blood. Turned out it was a type O.

Couldn't stand my fuzzy beard at first. Then it grew on me.

My wife got a severe bladder infection. I said, urine trouble.

Was reading a book about Star Trek's anti-gravity. Couldn't put it down.

Apologies to anyone who read this far.

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A Holy Burial

A wife and her husband go to Jerusalem on vacation. While they were there, the husband passed away.The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The wife thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The wife replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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243 [Slightly NSFW]

You asked for it :D

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So three guys were sleeping in a bed

when all of them woke up at the same time. The guy on the right said, "Holy shit I was just having the best dream about a girl wackin' me off." The guy on the left said, "No way I was having the same fucking dream!" The guy in the middle then said, "Dammit, I just had a dream I was skiing!"

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Three men died on Christmas Eve...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Paddy replied, "These are Carols".

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I've just invented a perfume made from holy water.

Eau my God

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Making holy water from regular water is easy.

Just boil the hell out of it.

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How do you make "Holy water"?

You take some normal water and boil "the hell" out of it...

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A guy moves away from home to go to college.

He lives in a dorm, so he had to leave his cat behind.

One day he calls home and his little brother answers. He asks what's new.

His brother says, "Mittens died."

"Holy shit. Why did you just blurt it out like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You could have broken it to me slowly, like you could have said that she's on the roof and we can't get her down. Then next time I called, you could have said that she got hurt, and then the next time you could have said that she died. It wouldn't have been such a shock."

"Sorry, I guess I should have broken it to you slowly."

"That's OK. Let me talk to Mom."

"She's up on the roof and we can't get her down."

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A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table.

A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table. His son cones in and the man tells him to sit down. He says to his son, "if you take the $100 you will grow to be a gambler. If you take the whiskey, you will die as a drunk in the streets. But if you take the bible, you will be a holy man of God and live a good and righteous life."

The son sits and thinks for a moment, he then reaches out and takes the bible, the whiskey and the money off the table and walks out the door. The man sits stunned for a moment before he jumps out of his seat and proclaims "By God!!! My son is going to be an Irish priest!"

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Three to Five times a week.....

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"Β 

Man: "Yes!"Β 

Reporter: "Name?"Β 

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."Β 

Reporter: "Sex?"Β 

Man: "Three to five times a week."Β 

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"Β 

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."Β 

Reporter: "Holy cow!"Β 

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."Β 

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"Β 

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."Β 

Reporter: "Oh dear!"Β 

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

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What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?

H2OMG

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A rabbi and a priest...

take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "

The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "

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How do you make holy water?

Boil the Hell out of it.

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A joke about nuns

A bus full of nuns crashes on the highway, and there are no survivors. The nuns all wake in a line to the pearly gates, with Saint Peter standing there with a basin of holy water.

The first nun in line walks up to Peter. He looks at her and says, "well, you were an all around good person, you gave your life to God... but let me ask you one question... have you ever touched a penis?"

The nun shys away for a second, but answers, "um... yes... but it was an accident, I didn't mean to." Peter smiles and says, "that's okay, just wash your hand off with holy water and you're allowed in."

The next nun in line comes up to Peter, and he says, "well, you were an all around good person, you gave your life to God... but let me ask you one question... have you ever touched a penis?"

The nun shys away, and says, "yes I have once... I held one in both my hands and rubbed it up and down."

Saint Peter smiles again and says, "well that's okay, just wash your hands off with holy water and you're allowed in."

Just then, a nun comes running up the line, knocking everyone down to get to the front.

Saint Peter says, "excuse me, what's the meaning of all this?! You can't cut in front of everyone!"

The nun replies, "sorry, but lemme gargle with some of that shit before Sister Anne has to stick her ass in it."

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Catholic School Girls

A bus full of Catholic School Girls go off the side of a cliff and everyone dies. As they all line up before the Pearly Gates St. Peter approaches them and says, "Girls, you all may enter Heaven. First, however, if you have ever touched male genitalia you must dip whatever part of your body touched it into the Holy Water."
The first two girls go and just dip their hands. Suddenly a commotion begins at the back of the line. As a girls runs up to the front of the line St. Peter stops her and asks, "What is the source of this disturbance?"
The girl replies, "If I have to swallow Holy Water I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who's the best at his job.

So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.

I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

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A masked priest just threw some holy water at me...

... I think it was a blessing in disguise.

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What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.

I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

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A muggle walks up to a wizard

And says "Holy crap, you're Harry Potter!!"

The wizard replies, "No, but you're close. I'm Harry Potter's godfather"

"Haha, nice try Harry Potter. I know it's you." Says the muggle.

"No, I'm Sirius"

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How do you make Holy Water?

Boil the Hell out of it.

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A Priest, a Minister, a Rabbi and a Bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."

The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."

They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."

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So a guy goes to the doctor to get a physical and the doctor says, "Holy shit you have five penises, how do your pants fit?"

The guy replies, "Like a glove."

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A conversation with my 7 year old brother.

"Look at all of these beautiful horse"

"Horses"

"Horse is already plural, isn't it?"

"You're thinking of elk"

"Holy mooses, you're right"

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The Pope Dies and Goes to Heaven

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.


He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.


All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R' .


God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

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How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!

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Religious wisdom

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

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A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

... approaching the bar, the bartender asks "What can I get for you?"

Immediatedly the parrot squaks and says "Two Budweisers please and a round of drinks for the ladies at the end of the bar".

Totally impressed, the bartender replies "Holy shit, thats amazing, where did you get it?"

Again the parrot squaks and says "Africa.... they got millions of 'em there."

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The flight got a little rough there...

So we're flying home, and about an hour out from our destination the pilot comes on the intercom and gives us the usual - the temperature at our airport, how we're twenty minutes ahead of schedule, if you look at the window you can see this feature of the landscape, etc. Then he adds,

"... and folks, the flight looks pretty smooth from here on out, except for a little patch of turbulence just ahead but we should be... HOLY SHIT! - "

At that moment the plane suddenly dived from an air pocket. Then the turbulence was *really* bad for a while. The pilot never turned his microphone off and you could hear the whole thing over the intercom:

"JESUS HOLY - hold on hold on hold - OH CRAP! Pulling up PULL UP GODDAM IT!!..."

Needless to say, it was all quite exciting and went on like this for a good while. But eventually they got it under control, the plane leveled and we passed out of the turbulence. We could still hear the pilot though:

"Phew - that was something! I could really use a beer and a blow job right now!"

Right away the stewardess *runs* forward, heading into the cockpit. At that point a passenger yells out:

"Don't forget the beer!"

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I know how to make holy water

You boil the hell out of it

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There was a family of moles underground.

They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says wow, I smell sugar . The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims wow I smell glucose! Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says holy cow I smell fructose! The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said all I smell is molasses

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Bob works in a saw mill.

Bob works in a saw mill. One day he comes into work, and his friend Ted asks him, "Hey, did you hear about Joe?"

"No, what's up?"

"Well, he was working late last night and cut off his hand."

"Holy crap Ted, is he alright?"

"Oh yeah, we picked it up, put it in a ziplock bag, and he got it sewed back on. He'll be back in a week."

"That's good, give him my best."

A couple days later, Ted asks Bob "Hey, did you hear about Paul?"

"Yeah, I heard he got hurt. What happened?"

"He ended up cutting off his foot!"

"Wow, is he alright?"

"Yeah, we scooped it up in a ziplock bag, and he had it reattached at the hospital. He'll be back in a week."

"That's great, modern medicine sure is awesome."

A few days later, Ted comes up to Bob again and asks, "Hey, did you hear about Bill?"

"Oh dear, what happened this time?"

"Well, he cut off his head last night."

"Holy crap! But he's alright, right? Scooped his head up in a ziplock bag and had it reattached at the hospital?"

"No Bob, he's dead."

"Wow, how come?"

"Well, we're not sure, but we think he suffocated in the bag on the way to the hospital."

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How do you get holy water

You boil the hell out of it

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Three dudes sneak into a barn

So, three dudes sneak into a barn, and they're forced to sleep on the same haystack.
The morning after, the dude on the left says, "I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob!"
The dude on the right says, "Holy shit, I had the same dream!" The dude in the middle goes,"I dreamt that I was skiing."

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Circumcision

Two five-year-old boys are standing at a urinal. One remarks, "your thingy doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised," the other explains. "That means they cut the skin off the end." "Wow!" exclaims the first boy. "When did that happen?" "When i was 2 days old," the second boy replies. "Did it hurt?" asks the first boy. "Holy crap, you bet it did!" he replies. "I didn't walk for a year!"

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Three nuns die and get to the gate of heaven...

..guarded by st. Petrus. He says: in order to enter the gates of heaven, each of you have to answer a question to prove your knowledge about the holy father and his reign. So he asks the first nun: who was he first man on earth? She answers: oh, that's an easy one! It was adam.

And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

So st. Petrus asks the second nun: who was the first woman on earth? She answers: oh, thats an easy one! It was eve.

And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

And st. Petrus asks the third nun: what was the first thing that eve said to adam?
She answers: oh... Thats a hard one!

And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

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Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...

it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

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New Year's Morning

A young man was drunk and staggering about with a key in his hand.

A policeman walks up and says, "What's going on here?"

"They stole my car!", answered the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?", asked the policeman.

"On the end of this key!", the man replied.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Sir, are you aware that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy shit!", the drunk cried. "They got my girlfriend too!"

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Holy holey

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

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How do you make holy water?

You take regular water and boil the hell out of it.

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A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

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A new hot secretary joined a company...

Two guys of this company start to speak about her:

"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"

So they start flirting with her.

One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".

Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have sex with her three days later.

His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".

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A nun was about to take a Bath

A nun was about to take a bath. She undressed and just as she dipped her holy toe in the water she hears a faint knock on the front door. "Who is it?" she calls. "It's the blind man from down the road!" Shuffling around, unable to find her towel, the nun races to the door and decides it would be okay to open the door. As she opens the door she is greeted with a bright smile. "Good morning sister. Lovely pair of tits you have. Now where do you want these blinds?"

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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

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I got my kid baptized yesterday

Priest: Β Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?

Me: I do.

Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?

Me: I do.

Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body andΒ life everlasting?

Me: I do

Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any sexual misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?

Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!

Priest: Too late! You said it!

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables....

So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27" said another

"Oh that's good" says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won 28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently, listening into the conversation.

"Excuse me gentlemen. But out of my last 72 races. I've won 70 of them" says the greyhound smugly

"Holy Fuck!" Exclaimed one of the horses.

"A Talking Dog?"

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How do you make holy water

You boil the hell out of it

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Can't take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker

told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man

thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and

you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take

that chance."

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Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god's name in vein.

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I just saw the pope in the restroom

Holy shit

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60 Years

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

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What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water?

One's a rectified sanctum...

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An American man visits the Holy Land...

An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."

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Damn girl are you playboy magazine?

Cause holy fuck you have a pile of issues

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I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do talk!" says I.

On to the next duck "Hey, how was your day?"

"Oh, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"alright, now you, duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh it was TERRIBLE!!!"

"How come?"

"My name is Puddles!!!"

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An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem...

when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost Β£5000 to ship her home or Β£50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!

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A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over

One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

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Today I learned how to make holy water....

You just have to boil the hell out of it.

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Most powerful liquid in the world

One day a preacher was out watering his lawn when he spied a young boy from his church running down the road with a bottle in his hand. He stopped him and asked, What you got there, son?

The boy replied Turpentine preacher! It's the most powerful liquid in the world!

The preacher said Now listen, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. You can rub holy water on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a child.

The boy laughed and said Shoot that ain't nothing! You rub some of this turpentine on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle!

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Do you speak english?

- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.

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Couple went to Jerusalem...

And the wife died there..


Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.



Man : I'll take the body home.



Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...




Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...

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The most powerful liquid in the world!

A young kid is sitting on some church steps shaking a bottle of liquid and watching the bubbles rise when a priest walks out from inside and asks him: "what have you got their son?"

The boy says, "this is the most powerful liquid in the world father, it's turpentine!"

The priest says" oh, you got that a bit wrong lad, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water, why if you put one drop on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a girl and if you put two drops on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a boy!"

The kid responds "Ah, that ain't nothing father, if you put two drops of this on a cat's ass, it'll pass a motorcycle!"

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So, a man walks into a bar...

... Upon entering said bar, the man notices a jar full of cash on the table.

"What's all this money for?", asked the man.

The bartender replied, "Well, if you can make my horse laugh, it's all yours."

"Alright, where's the horse?"

"In the back room."

"Thanks."

The man then enters the room. A few minutes later, the man comes out with the horse cracking up with laughter.

"Holy crap!" The bartender was so shocked, he could barely think of any words to say. "Well, a deal's a deal." The man then took the money, and left the bar.

The next day, he returns to the bar. The man spots yet another large jar of cash.

"Alright, what's THIS jar for?"

"All the money in this jar says you can't make my horse cry."

"Alright, fine. The horse?"

"Still in the back room."

The man walks into the room. He shortly returns, the horse next to him in hysterics, sobbing with such vigor.

"Okay, what the hell, I've gotta' know how you did all this; what's your secret?"

"Well, to make the horse laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick than him."

"Aha...?"

"Aaaaand to make him cry, I showed him."

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And so Christmas Season Begins

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

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Little Jimmy goes to church.

Little Jimmy goes to church on Sunday. There, he runs into the priest.

The priest says, "Good morning Jimmy!"

Jimmy: "Good morning, Father."

Priest: "Tell me Jimmy, how is your brother Timmy doing these days?"

Jimmy: "Well Father, Timmy is crippled you know? And just the other day Father, Timmy came to the church, took holy water and rubbed it on his right leg and threw his crutch away!"

Priest: "Oh my God, a miracle in my church! We are blessed by God! Then what happened?"

Jimmy: "Well Father, then he took holy water, rubbed it on his left leg and threw his other crutch away!"

Priest: "Praise Jesus! This is truly a miracle in my church! God is great! Then what happened, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "Well Father then he fell on his ass, he's crippled you know?"




This is my grandpa's favorite joke to tell. I think I've heard it at least 30 times. He likes to tell the joke with Jimmy having a lisp. Couldn't really figure out how to translate that to typing.

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Man and his wife are on vacation in Israel . . .

when the wife suddenly falls ill and dies. The funeral director said to the man, "You can have your wife buried here in the Holy Land and it will cost you only $1000 or you can have her flown back the United States and buried there but it will cost at least $15000." The man said, "Ill have her flown home." the funeral then responds, "But sir she is her IN the Holy Land and it will cost you so much less. I have to know why you want to go through all of that just to have her buried!" The man stood up and said, "Oh no you don't, I know exactly what happened the last time you guys try to bury someone here!"

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I saw a guy holding a TV

I was walking down the street, when I saw a black guy holding a TV.
I thought "holy shit, is that mine?"
I went home to check.
But nah, mine was at home polishing my shoes.

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How do you make holy water

Boil the hell out of it

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Two Muffins In An Oven

Two muffins are in an oven

One muffin says to the other muffin
"Man it's hot in here."

The other muffin replies
"Holy shit, a talking muffin... I must be baked."

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Little Johnny and father Joseph

ittle Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

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So a man was on vacation in the holy land

A man and his wife where off on a lovely vacation in the holy land touring biblical sites when a few days before they where supposed to leave his wife dropped dead of a heart attack. So the man was approached by the mortician who told him he could fly her back to the states for a few thousand dollars and have the funeral there or he could stay and have a beautiful funeral in the holy land for a couple hundred.

"Let's fly her back" The man said.

"But why?" asked the mortician, "We would hold a grand funeral for her, it would be magnificent!"

"Well," said the man, "A long time ago a guy was buried here and rose from the dead after a few days."

"So?" asked the mortician

"I don't wanna take any chances."

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The three nuns

there were four nuns in waiting at the entrance to heaven. god appears and says "confess your sins and you may enter this holy place", so the first nun says "i once saw a penis". so god says "fear not, wash your eyes in this bowl of holy water and enter". so she washed her eyes and carried on. The second nun steps up and says "i once touched a penis", so god says "fear not, wash your hands in this bowl of holy water and enter". so she washed her hands and carried on. suddenly the fourth nun ran front the third nun and god said "sister, why are you racing to the front of the line?". and the nun said "i am not drinking the same water she washed her ass with."

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One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers...

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.

After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''

The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''

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A white man rear ends a car...

The other driver steps out, and is an Asian man. They trade insurance and call the police to get it sorted out.

When the cop comes, he looks at the white guy, looks at the Asian man who was hit, and says to the white guy,

"How in holy hell did this man back up into you that hard? "

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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell outta it

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How many Mexicans does it take to build a

Holy Shit they're done!

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Two muffins are in an oven together....

One turns to the other and says, Man, it's hot in here . The other muffin turns any yells, Holy shit! A talking muffin!

Yes, I'm a dad.

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How to make holy water

You shake the hell out of it.

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A man with crutches walks into a church...

he dips one arm in Holy Water and throws the crutch away. Then he proceeds to do this with the other arm. Astounded, two boys run to tell the priest what happened. "Boys, you just witnessed a miracle", he said."Show me this man so I may bless him; where is he?" The boys replied, "Flat on his ass in the back of the church."

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What are the best Holy puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Holy? Well, here are the best jokes about Holy to have fun with.

Joko Jokes