Following is our collection of trinity humor and preach one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Holy puns for adults, dirty scriptures jokes or clean hallow gags for kids.
There is an abundance of headstones jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes on holy. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any divine witze you can hear about holy.
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
A religious movement.
Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"
Israel
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
Eau my God
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
H2OMG
... I think it was a blessing in disguise.
"Look at all of these beautiful horse"
"Horses"
"Horse is already plural, isn't it?"
"You're thinking of elk"
"Holy mooses, you're right"
They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says wow, I smell sugar . The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims wow I smell glucose! Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says holy cow I smell fructose! The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said all I smell is molasses
it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Paddy replied, "These are Carols".
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Two guys of this company start to speak about her:
"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"
So they start flirting with her.
One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".
Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have sex with her three days later.
His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".
Priest: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any sexual misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."
She was taking god's name in vein.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
One's a rectified sanctum...
An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."
One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.
A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table. His son cones in and the man tells him to sit down. He says to his son, "if you take the $100 you will grow to be a gambler. If you take the whiskey, you will die as a drunk in the streets. But if you take the bible, you will be a holy man of God and live a good and righteous life."
The son sits and thinks for a moment, he then reaches out and takes the bible, the whiskey and the money off the table and walks out the door. The man sits stunned for a moment before he jumps out of his seat and proclaims "By God!!! My son is going to be an Irish priest!"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
when the wife suddenly falls ill and dies. The funeral director said to the man, "You can have your wife buried here in the Holy Land and it will cost you only $1000 or you can have her flown back the United States and buried there but it will cost at least $15000." The man said, "Ill have her flown home." the funeral then responds, "But sir she is her IN the Holy Land and it will cost you so much less. I have to know why you want to go through all of that just to have her buried!" The man stood up and said, "Oh no you don't, I know exactly what happened the last time you guys try to bury someone here!"
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?"
The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
ittle Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.
Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.
Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."
"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"
A man and his wife where off on a lovely vacation in the holy land touring biblical sites when a few days before they where supposed to leave his wife dropped dead of a heart attack. So the man was approached by the mortician who told him he could fly her back to the states for a few thousand dollars and have the funeral there or he could stay and have a beautiful funeral in the holy land for a couple hundred.
"Let's fly her back" The man said.
"But why?" asked the mortician, "We would hold a grand funeral for her, it would be magnificent!"
"Well," said the man, "A long time ago a guy was buried here and rose from the dead after a few days."
"So?" asked the mortician
"I don't wanna take any chances."
... to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his *payoss* [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know?
The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'
Some say he was legend-dairy.
Pearly Gates on Christmas Eve
Three men died on Christmas Eve
and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at their job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
The Chief says,
"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "
The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.
"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Look at the goat outside. All of them are white, except for the one black one."
The chief leans into the missionary's ear and whispers,
"I'll let you off the hook this time, but you keep quiet about goat, okay?"
The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news hound thrust a microphone at the Pope and asked, "Pope, what is your opinion of the large numbers of brothels in this city?" Mindful of the warnings he'd received from his advisors, he thought carefully for a second and replied tactfully, "Are there any brothels in this city?" The next day he was distraught to see the newspaper's headline which read "Pope's first question: 'Are there any brothels in this city?'"
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
... it Israel
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
"Holy F**k" she screams "and you want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb?!"
a priest goes up to the first crying nun and asks, "What is wrong sister?" The nun says, "I broke into somebody's house." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The next nun says, "Father I stole someone's car." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The priest goes up to the laughing nun and asks, "Why are you laughing so hard?" The nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all lived in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said: "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't because of the bigger moles were in the way so he said: "Geez, all I can smell is..."
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
*MOLASSES*
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the
circumcision.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Two old southern ladies, Ethel and Edith, are sitting in rocking chairs on a porch. Ethel says, "When I married my husband, he bought me this here rocking chair."
Edith says, "Well isn't that nice."
They rock in silence for a moment, then Ethel says, "And when I had my first child, my husband bought me this here house."
Edith says, "Well isn't that nice."
After another moment where they rock back and forth in silence, Ethel says, "And when my child had her first holy communion, my husband bought me this here plantation."
Edith says, "Well isn't that nice."
More rocking in silence. Finally Ethel says, "And what did your husband do for you?"
Edith says, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school?" says Ethel. "And what did they teach you in charm school?"
Edith says, "They taught me that instead of saying 'Fuck you,' you say, 'Well isn't that nice.'"
Lettuce pray.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."
A Friar
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."
The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him."
They both look down to the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."
The nuns were hesitant because they didn't want to, but the superior said it would be a lesson in confession.
Then a little later, one came back and was crying
"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior
"I picked flowers in the garden."
"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."
The nun did as told, then another nun came, she was also crying
"Why? What did you do?"
"I stole a candy from a kid"
"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."
She also did as told...
Then the last nun came, but she was roaring with laughter
"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior sternly
"I peed in the holy water!"
Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."
The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"
The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"
A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.
For Christs steak Micheal.
when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"
The father said "look, its great! just the other day, i rubbed some holy water on this lady's tummy and she passed a beautiful little baby"
Little Johhny said "ahh, thats nuthin. I rubbed some of this on my dogs arsehole and he passed a Mercedes"
One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day.
The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed.
St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins.
The third sinner snickered.
St Peter ignored the third sinner asked the second sinner. She said that she sent a swarm of killer bees to wipe out an African village. St Peter paused in shock, but then told her to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of her sins.
The third sinner tried to hold back his laughter, but failed.
St Peter then asked the third sinner what was so funny. The third sinner replied, "I shat in the Holy Water"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
Is it:
A) Holy Loaf
B) Sacred Baguette
Or C) Naan of the above
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R' .
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."
Holy smokes.
The Pope was dying and his followers were given to believe that his life would be saved if he slept with a woman.
That's impossible,' said the Pope. 'I am the Holy Father and cannot contravene God's law.'
They spent a long time trying to persuade him. 'It is in order to save your life, so that you can serve God further,' they argued. And at last the Pope agreed.
'All right,' he said, 'but the following conditions must be fulfilled. In the first place, the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see me.'
'We shall find a blind one,' they answered.
'In the second place, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear my voice.'
'We shall find one who is deaf too,' they promised.
"Thirdly, she must be dumb, so that she cannot tell anyone what has taken place.
And fourthly, she must have big tits...'
So, what is a three 'L' lama?
A big fire in Boston.
A university professor was taking a trip to the holy land. He had a break in his seminar schedule and was visiting the sea of Galilee.
He saw a sign advertising boat tours, and thought it would be interesting, so he asked the guy with the boats "How much?"
"Six hundred dollars!" Said the man proudly. "All day, up to three passenger and gear!"
"But, um, there's just me, and all I want is a quick row around and a couple of selfies!"
"Still six hundred dollars!" The man shook his head. "Minimum price!"
"That's outrageous." The man said as he walked away. "No wonder Christ walked."
.... from the convent one evening, when an old man jumped out of the bushes and had his way with her.
The man laughed and said: "What will you tell the Holy Father NOW, Sister?"
And the nun replied: "I can't lie to the Lord! I must say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes, attacked me and had his way with me TWICE...... Unless you're too tired?"
The boy had a bottle of clear liquid and he kept shaking it up, looking at the bubbles. The preacher asked the youngster what he had in the bottle. "Preacher man, this here is the strongest liquid known to mankind, Turpentine!"
The preacher reaching into his vest pocket, "Young man, I beg to differ! This here is holy water! You put some of this on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy!". The boy replied, "Heck preacher, that ain't nothing! You put some of this on a cats ass, it will pass a motorcycle!"
President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies.
The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.
The aides confer and tell the official that they will take the body home.
The official asks why they would do that rather than accept the immense gift of burial in the Holy Land.
The aides reply: A long time ago someone was buried here and arose 3 days later. We can't take that chance.
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"
...when the minister swung and hit a rabbit with his shot. They both went up to the rabbit and saw that it was dead. Then the priest takes a small bottle out of his pocket and pours the contents onto the rabbit. Immediately the rabbit wakes up and hops away.
The minister says "Wow, I've never seen holy water do that!"
And the priest says, "That wasn't holy water... it was hare restorer."
Credit to my priest told this joke this morning.
Blonde: "I have heard that you can perform miracles. Can you demonstrate it to me?"
Holy Man: "Sure, why not. Remove your jeans, turn around and then bend down".
Blonde does as asked.
Holy Man: "Now can you feel my finger?"
Blonde: "Yes".
Holy Man: "But see, both my hands are up".
Blonde: "Wow. Superb".
Still not sure what hole it came from.
Interviewing an arab for a visa
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast
A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision
[A match made in heaven](/spoiler)
What kind of cigarettes does he have?
[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)
During the crusades a knight was about to leave for the holy land , but he was worried about his wife. He wanted to ensure her faithfulness till his return. So he had a chastity belt made and tied it around his wife, as he was about to leave he thought , that what if he loses the key in the confusion of battle , what will he do then , so he decides to leave the key in the care of his best friend . As he rode off to the crusades , barely had he gotten a mile from home that he saw his friend tearing after him on a horse , as he got closer he heard his friend saying
"Come back! you gave me the wrong key"
And they say that they each want to commit a sin before they die. They priest tells them to go commit their sins on friday, and he will hear their confessions on saturday. So the nuns go commit their sins and on saturday the first nun goes to confession. The Priest asks "What are your sins?" The nun says that she had sexual relations with a man. The Priest says "Go drink the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." The second nun goes to the priest and he also asks what her sins are. "She says that she participated in a threesome. The Priest again says "Go drink the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." The third nun goes to the priest and he says "What are your sins." The nun replies "I peed in the holy water."
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.