Amusing Holy Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
Interviewing Arab for US visa
Interviewing an arab for a visa
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: s**...?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, d**..., any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?
She was taking god's name in vein.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.
Lettuce pray.
A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...
During the trip the wife tragically dies. A f**... director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The f**... director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."
Did you hear about the temple that burnt down?
Holy smokes.
Can't take that chance
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
You can explore holy trinity reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean holy scriptures dad jokes. There are also holy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A conversation with my 7 year old brother.
"Look at all of these beautiful horse"
"Horses"
"Horse is already plural, isn't it?"
"You're thinking of elk"
"Holy mooses, you're right"
An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:
Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina.
Consul: s**...?
Arab: Every day.
Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?
Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even Camel.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer! run too fast.
Blonde and The Holy Man
Blonde: "I have heard that you can perform miracles. Can you demonstrate it to me?"
Holy Man: "Sure, why not. Remove your jeans, turn around and then bend down".
Blonde does as asked.
Holy Man: "Now can you feel my finger?"
Blonde: "Yes".
Holy Man: "But see, both my hands are up".
Blonde: "Wow. Superb".
A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'?
Is it:
A) Holy Loaf
B) Sacred Baguette
Or C) Naan of the above
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
Couple went to Jerusalem...
And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...
A masked priest just threw some holy water at me...
... I think it was a blessing in disguise.
A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over
One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
A golden retriever walks into a bar
Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."
The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"
The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"
A rabbi and a priest...
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
"Holy F**k" she screams "and you want ME to see a doctor about s**... my thumb?!"
What do you call a holy man who works at McDonald's?
A Friar
What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water?
A religious movement.
Did you hear about the Holy Cow?
Some say he was legend-dairy.
I've just invented a perfume made from holy water.
Eau my God
What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water?
One's a rectified sanctum...
A new hot secretary joined a company...
Two guys of this company start to speak about her:
"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"
So they start flirting with her.
One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".
Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have s**... with her three days later.
His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".
To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license.
Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"
The Holy Land isn't a fake place
Israel
Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report
Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'
A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Though some people may tell you that the holy land is fake...
... it Israel
Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...
it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...
Do you speak english?
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- s**...?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, d**..., any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.
So j made a joke up
A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.
For Christs steak Micheal.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
An American man visits the Holy Land...
An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."
What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?
H2OMG
Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
There was a family of moles underground.
They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says wow, I smell sugar . The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims wow I smell glucose! Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says holy cow I smell fructose! The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said all I smell is molasses
I got my kid baptized yesterday
Priest: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any s**... misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
I threw holy water at the d**... and tried to banish it back to h**...
My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that
I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water...
They blessed the rains down in Africa.
A couple has 4 sons
The first three were tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest son was short with curly blond hair and blue eyes. When the husband was on his deathbed, he called his wife over and asked, "Is that 4th son mine?"
His wife said, "I swear, on all things holy, that child is yours."
The husband died a few moments later. She said to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Why are there so many vampires in Europe and not in Africa?
Vampires are killed with holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.
A Muslim boy once asked his father: "why is it that Jews can't work on Saturday, Christians can't work on Sunday, but Muslims work on their holy day Friday?"
The dad looked down at his son and said, "God didn't need to force us to take a break because in His infinite wisdom He knew we'd never work that much to begin with."
I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa .
Credits to u/Josh1804
My mutant power
professor x: Whats your mutant power
me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls
professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power
me: I'm kidding i can heal paraplegics
professor x: [Still standing] holy s**...
I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.
Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.
today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink
it gave me a religious movement
A Christian once asked me if I had found Jesus...
I said "holy s**..., you guys lost him again?"
Do you know how Holy water is made?
They boil the h**... out of it.
Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?
Inflation
Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!
I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company
It's called "Holy Smokes"
my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum
f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"
If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.
There's too much risk of cross contamination.
This is how u make holy water:
U take the water, and boil the h**... out of it
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish for mor-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me:
Genie:
Me: I wish for more genies.
Genie: Holy s**....
All the new genies: Holy s**....
Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?
Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.
A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."
The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"
God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."
The flat earther exclaims, "Holy c**...! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"
Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.
First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy s**... man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."
Two muffins were in an oven...
One muffin says to the other, "Hey, does it feel hot in here to you?"
The other muffin says, "Holy s**...! A talking muffin!"
i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.
still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.
How do you make someone holy?
Simple, you beat the h**... out of them.
The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.
The Kama Sutra is more specific.
How do you make holy water?
Just boil the h**... out of it!
One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."
How does the church make holy water?
They take regular tap water, and boil the h**... out of it!
It was getting cold out so my husband asked me for his hooded sweatshirt with the least amount of holes in it.
I brought it down to him saying, "here ya go. The evilest sweatshirt you have." He stared at me blankly. I said, "It's the least holey (holy) hoodie you own. So it has to be the most evil, right?"
**This is a real situation that just happened. He's an ironworker, so all of his work clothes have holes in them. He just facepalmed so hard when I made that joke I had to share. Sorry.
The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.
The Kama Sutra, however, is a little more specific.
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister
A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it.
After they are done the priest says, "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion."
The minister said, "I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river."
The rabbi was bandaged from head to foot and said. "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
How do they make Holy water
Boiling the h**... out of it
The Holy Bible teaches us to love one another...
...the Kama Sutra is a bit more specific.
What's the opposite of Holy Water?
Nestle
A traffic policeman stops some boys on a bike.
"Hey, why are there three of you riding a single bike at once? Don't you know it's i**...?"
"Three?! Holy s**..., guys, did Jake fall off somewhere??"
How many Mexicans?
How many Mexicans does it take to...
Holy sh\*\* they're already done.
I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.
Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa
The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.
"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.
As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom one last time.... only to see his most trusted knight, chasing after him, shouting.....
"IT'S THE WRONG KEY! IT'S THE WRONG KEY!"
how do you make holy water?
HOLY WATER
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the h**... out of it!
God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit are going on vacation...
God the Father says "Let's vacation in Israel".
God the Son, Jesus, says "Too many bad memories there. Let's vacation in Berkeley."
God the Father says "I'm not into the Mother God, hippy v**...."
The Holy Spirit says "I know, let's go to Rome and visit The Vatican"
God the Father and Son ask - "Why?"
The Holy Spirit shrugs and replies "I've just never been there."
A man bought himself an expensive new car
He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.
First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.
Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.
Then finally, the rabbi sang a song & cut off the end of the tailpipe.
i was in Jerusalem for a holiday
Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.
From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.
Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:
Hebrews.
a dog walks into a bar
he orders a root beer and a plate of fries.
holy s**...! bartender says, a talking dog, you should join the circus!
circus? the dog says, why, are they hiring an electrician?
Have you heard of this thing called 'Hyperbole'?
Holy S#!t, it's the best g**... thing in the entire universe.
Two horses meet in a field
One says, "Howdy neeiighbor!"
The other says, "Holy s**..., a talking horse!"
Why can't the vaccine contain holy water?
Because you're not supposed to take the lord's name in vein.
If you put Holy Water in a humidifier
If you put Holy Water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives
I will start a religious movement anytime now
A man decided to march in the holy crusades...
Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. What's wrong?' he asks.
You gave me the wrong key!
